sketscher

I am the enabling co-dependant GF of the MM. This evening I need advice badly on how to not fall back into his trap. I left him a goodbye note telling him that I've realized I made a mistake, can't be involved with a MM, can't deal with his A, and I deserve better, along with some of his belongings. He just called, knocked me offline and I did not pick up the phone. I know I need to help myself and get away from his disease, marital troubles, indecision, suicidal tendencies, rude behavior and all the other horrible things that go along with an A. But you all know the power these men have to manipulate. I am scared that he will suck me back in somehow. He's done it before. His words can be so graceful and touching. Even though I know he's betraying two women I am scared that I could falter in this decision. Do I just ignore him? That's the best thing right now isn't it?

I don't want an apology from him! I've heard that a hundred times. Hear it once more and I will snap. I'd like to say something like "your apology means nothing until you own up to what is causing you to apoligize". But he would somehow rationalize it. Plus I am afraid that is still allowing myself to care and remain co-dependant.

Please help. I can't avoid him forever becasue I work with him and he has to get the remainder of his belongings from my house.

Minx1969

Hey Sket -

You can pack up his belongs and leave them outside for him..if he wants them, he can get them..Honestly, don't give him the opportunity (outside of work) to see you..You are correct that they easily manipulate us. And we allow it!

Please go to Alanon..As I got a sponsor and started working the steps, I changed and wanted more out of relationships..I did not let my exABF manipulate me back into the relationship nor did I manipulate him back into the relationship..I honestly just let go to see what happened..what happened is..my exABF did not want to work on the relationship (that might mean getting sober or healthy..scary)..I started Alanon before he broke up with me. Thank God..Alanon gave me the strength to stay away..I can't believe how many times I went back..

When my exABF called a month ago, I didn't return his call..

You will get lots of support and people to call with Alanon..

If you can, find a meeting tonight...

meli2005

They do manipulate. I heard one time the most worthless words alc says is "I'm Sorry" and "I love you". Very often they are just words, no actions are there to back them up. If I were you I would try my best to avoid contact with him. I would also think about changing jobs if you can at all do that. It would be best for you to have a fresh start.


Good luck!!! We all support you. YOu are a GOOD person and deserve BETTER!

Cynay

I always find it truely amazing how easily I fall back into wanting to be with my ex-ABF.

Trust me, he will pull you back, and the SAME thing will happen over and over again. I went so far this last time to change my number. Get the help you need, Al-anon is working for me right now, and right now is all Im concerned with. For me, I can not have ANY contact with him... Im just not ready, I feel too deeply and he has cut me to deeply to expect my wounds to have more then a surface scab.

I agree, just pack his things and put them outside, leave a note telling him he can pick them up and dont see him, no contact unless you have too at work. Be thankful you are not legally bound to him, I feel bad for his wife... Im sure he tells her the same things he told you, remember that when you feel weak and come here or call a friend who will understand.

Its hard ... I know. *hugs*

quietsins

want to know what i did? every time i thought of him i consciously did something for me. took a walk.. etc etc... right now i am building a retaining wall with my bare hands. lol. just so i dont enable and fall into that trap again.

pack his stuff. change the lock on the garage.. put his stuff in the garage and arrange not to be home on a set day so he can get his chit out of your garage and yet not have access to get into your house. although...i must say i wasnt so nice and pitched all his stuff out in the yard, then burned it. lol.

you will be ok... truly.. you are never alone for your HP is with you. and all your friends at alanon and here.

quietsin

sketscher

Can't leave his stuff outside because it's all heavy furniture that I can't lift. BUT I did tell him to make arrangements to come get it (without the use of my truck) in my note. Thank you for reassuring me that no contact is the best. I need that hammered into my brain!!!! And I am 100% sure he is telling his wife all the same crap that he tells me. Thanks for the reminder. He's done that before and said to me things like "hey walk a mile in my shoes" "she's not some flash in the pan" "don't you think I'd be callus to not care about her?" . So I always accepted that in time he'd get better as he always promised. I accepted that I came second or actually 4th — 1. Alcohol 2./3. wife/child 4. maybe me. I accepted this because I am a codependant and I did a morally terrible thing and thought I deserved the punishment out of my own guilt. Then his depression made me guilty. I felt I was the one least hurt by this situation because he always reminded me how much he was giving up to be with me.

Wow writing this is really making me realize how extremely manipulative he is.

Cynay

BINGO

extremely manipulative.... that always suprises me so much

sketscher

I think I might just do the garage thing. Moving all his stuff will be theraputic. It was sure helpful to bag the little stuff. Suggestion is greatly appreciated!

Sapphoness

You should be proud of yourself in coming such a long way in such a short time. You should avoid all contact with him, any conversation will be more of the same and if he thinks you may be vulnerable or lonely he will try to work his manipulation magic. Don't give him the oppurtunity to do so. Be strong like you have been. If you have to change your phone number if he starts obsessively calling you then do that too. He should be getting the hint by now that you are moving on and sending him packing, in more ways than one!!!

sunshinebluesky

i am begging you for your own good....stay away from him. i have finally come to the realization that i have already told mine how i felt....OVER AND OVER AND OVER......he did NOTHING.if you have to tell them more than once, what is the point of putting yourself thru it over and over again. i have given him a full year to show me something,and he showed me nothing. and now, even though he has a new girlfriend,it seems he wants to stay friendly with me for his own convenience. today i realized i am smart enough not to allow it. now, when he hits bottom, it will be without me. maybe yours will hit bottom without you AND his wife.
at work,you are around other people so its not so bad. as far as his things,somehow get them in the garage,and make him get them when you are not there.
hey, they shut us out,now its our turn to shut them out.

sunshinebluesky

can you tell by my posts today, that i am just alittle fiesty today????? :e02b :e02b AND IM LIKING IT!!! in fact i think "formerdoormat" should let me have her screen name!!!!!

walkingtheline

What can he offer you other than graceful and touching words? For that, get some fabulous books...curl up in a chair and let Pat Conroy draw you into the low country or some poetry...or whatever words may sooth you.

Want unconditional love? Get a dog.

Want an honest relationship? RUN from the MM.

Pack his stuff. Tell him it will either a) be on the sidewalk on such and such day at such and such time OR he can buy it at your next yard sale.

This might be a good time to remember the lady and the rattlesnake story.
I use it as a reminder often.

Once upon a time a young girl was trudging along a mountain path, trying to reach her grandmother's house. It was bitter cold and the wind cut like a knife. When she was within sight of her destination, she heard a rustle at her feet.

Looking down, she saw a snake. Before she could move, the snake spoke to her.

He said: "I am about to die. It is too cold for me up here and I am freezing. There is no food in these mountains and I am starving. Please put me under your coat and take me with you."

"No," replied the girl. "I know your kind. You are a rattlesnake. If I pick you up, you will bite me and your bite is poisonous."

"No, no," said the snake. "If you help me, you will be my best friend. I will treat you differently."

The little girl sat down on a rock for a moment to rest and think things over. She looked at the beautiful markings on the snake and had to admit that it was the most beautiful snake she had ever seen.

Suddenly, she said: "I believe you. I will save you. All living things deserve to be treated with kindness."

The little girl reached over, put the snake gently under her coat and proceeded toward her grandmother's house. Within a moment, she felt a sharp pain in her side. The snake had bitten her.

"How could you do this to me?" she cried. "You promised that you would not bite me if I would protect you from the bitter cold."

The snake hissed: "You knew what I was when you picked me up". He slithered away.


In our hearts, we know what they are.

escape artist

God Walking, I'm going to post that on my refrigerator. would that be cold? he says to me, "you knew i liked to drink before you married me". do you think he would see the Irony in this?

CatsTail

Married men are bad news, do yourself a favor and get him out of your life.

Ngaire

sketscher

Funny that that rattlesnake fable was brought up because i was just thinking of that the other day.

Anyway. He called again and I did not answer. Yes it got to me. He left a message, sounded sad, said he wanted to talk and realized he'd have to wait til tomorrow (work).

I know he will try to tell me he is sorry. I've told myself I will have to expect that and just be strong enough to simply nod or just say ok and walk away. Because he was so worried about what people would think of HIM at work it's been customary for us to avoid each other for the most part.

I keep thinking that I must hold in my mind something really awful that he did to me when I see him. I hope it's not wrong to do this but I think the part that most hurts me is the deception about his commitment to me. The alcoholism is something I need to hand back to him as his problem. Thinking about it at this time just makes me feel sorry for him. But the lying about what and why he was with me is what really stings tonight. Had he not done that I'd still be with him trying to painfully cope with it.

chrisea

I accepted that I came second or actually 4th

It isn't 4th that you are in, but more like 12th or more...

1. alcohol, 2. the money to get the alcohol, 3. the vehicle to get the alcohol, 4 the people who he/she drinks the alcohol with, 4 the bar stool, (or recliner) wherever they are more often, 5 the stuff they do while drinking the alcohol 6 the alibi (lies) they need while drinking the alcohol, 7 how/when to get more alcohol, when this alcohol is all gone, 8 the bed to crash in after they drink all the alcohol....etc.... 10/11 wife/children... so maybe you are #12 or more

walkingtheline

I made that list about a month ago.
1. Mr. Miller
2. Brandy
3. His shoes
4. His Car
5. Money
6. Michael Jordan
7. His friend Pancho
8. His sister Cookie
9. His job
10. His drinking pals
11, Daytime stupid drama TV (Jerry Springer, Maury ect)
12. Sports on tv
13. Cheap wine
14. His stereo
15. His watches
16. His mother
17. His brother
18, His other two sisters
19. His tools
20. His leather jacket
21. His old AGF

I gave up after that...it was too depressing