Osakis

My 50-year-old brother spent three months in treatment (2nd time) and was supposed to spend three months at a half-way house about 200 miles from myself and my mother. Today I learned from my sister that he is leaving the half-way house and coming back to our vicinity to be closer to his 15-year-old son.

The half-way house he was in certainly was NOT conducive to recovery -- everyone else there was court-ordered and had no interest in recovery; my brother was threatened by residents and there was violence there daily. I can understand him wanting out of that place, and wanting to be closer to his boy. But still I feel resentful and stressed out. I had hoped to have at least the summer before Mom and I had to start dealing with his problems again. He has been sober for four months and vows to remain so; he's even been attending AA while in the half-way house, though he still doesn't seem to have much faith in the program. I'd like to hope he's genuinely getting on his feet this time, but we've been disappointed before.

I think my sister is irritated with me because I'm not feeling good about bro moving back here. He had promised not to move closer than 60 miles, but now plans to be back in our small town. My 78-year-old mother has endured so much from him already; it's taken a great toll on her health. Now she gets to start worrying again. Bottom line: I love my brother, but my life is better without him in it. So I feel guilty and selfish.

kgm

minnie

What if? What if? What if?

You can't know what's going to happen, hon. And I'm sure you've done lots of reading about boundaries so that if the worst came to the worst you are able to protect yourself and your mum. You don't need to deal with his problems - they are his to sort out.

I see his desire to be near his son to be a good thing. Don't you?

Osakis

His devotion to his son has never been in doubt. Unfortunately, young John has been put in the position in the past of having to "keep an eye on" his Dad. As for not having to deal with his problems, we live in a small town, so the calls from the sheriff, the irate girlfriend, the boss wondering why he didn't show up for work, the creditors -- these came to OUR house when they couldn't find him at his number. Yeah, we can tell people we don't know where he is and can't fix his problems, but it's still upsetting to get the call.

Well, I suppose I just have to start with the assumption that things will be different this time.

herewegoagain

I don't think you're being selfish for the way you feel at all. Why the heck would you want all that to start over again ? As Dr. Phil says - the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. I hope your brother really does it this time, and doesn't just slide back to his old habits.

Minx1969

If you don't have any expectations, you won't have any resentments...

FriendofBill

why are HIS problems, YOUR problems?

Osakis

Again, HIS problems become OUR problems when we're the ones who get the calls from the creditors, from the women he's conning, from his boss, from his landlord, from the sheriff, from bartenders around town wanting to let us know that he's on a drunk. Yes, our answer has to be that we aren't responsible for him or his problems -- but that doesn't make GETTING the phone calls any less painful. My mom is 78 years old. This is going to kill her. So yeah -- this is MY PROBLEM, whether I like it or not.