GettingBy

I know that I can not change my husband, but for whatever reason I still keep trying! LOL! I'm a glutton for punishment, even when it's self-inflicted! So I'm learning a new way to handle it... and I know it's going to take some time for the miracle to happen.

But that's not all that I'm learning to accept. I'm sure like many others here, I had things in my childhood that have had a HUGE impact on who I am and why I'm here. Again, things I cannot change and just have to learn to accept and move on.

My father is an alcoholic, lying, cheating, abusive, piece of crap that I am have alot of issues with. He stopped drinking 20 plus years ago, so the active drinking wasn't the issue in our home. He was very verbally and physically abusive to us kids, and to my mom. He has slept with more women that I can even handle thinking about. On top of all of that, my Mom is so steeped in denial and that is causing me so much anxiety. She has taken to telling each of us (I have 2 older sisters and a yougner brother) how "perfect" our life was and how much of a great father and husband our dad is/was. She is chosing to deny it and that's how she wants to deal with it. Fine, whatever for her. For me though, it causes so much confusion and anxiety. I know what I saw/heard/experienced. I had a long talk with my oldest sister about this weekend, and she is trying to deal with the same issues. I get so upset and want to say something to my Mom, but then I feel like it's not really my business. What went on between my parents is their business... except that us kids witnessed so much of the "bad" that it's impossible for me to see that life as "good" let alone "perfect".

It has effected me. I have serious self-esteem issues. I don't trust. I'm constantly pestering my husband about possible infidelity. It doesn't help that he spends a considerable amount of time at bars, hanging out with other women. I can't let go of all of these feelings from my past, and I think that is what is sabotaging my life now.

I'm so fearful of steeping in my own denial. When something "bad" happens, I immediately jump on it. Obsess over it, and can't let it go. I don't want to pretend all is good and perfect.

I know all of this... and I accept that it has effected me. Now I have to unlearn all of that, and figure out a better way to live. I can't keep doing what I'm doing. It's killing me.

Any ES&H is greatly appreciated.
Shannon

herewegoagain

Shannon -


Your life sounds very similar to mine, only it was my mother that was the abusive one, and my father the one in denial. Both of my parents are alcoholics. I feel very much like you do....uncomfortable when things are good, waiting for the other shoe to drop, low self esteem...basically everything you said. This may not be particularly helpful since I really don't have any advice, but I just wanted to let you know you're not alone in what you're going through.

equus

I know something else as well - you survived all of that - not only did you survive it but you've come out the other side a loving, open minded person.

I think the lessons I've had to teach myself have often sunk in the deepest. I learned with my mother about 3 years ago that I couldn't change her, that she wasn't going to change unless she wanted to.

As for trust I try to look at it as a scale rather than something I either have or don't have. I try to find lots of little things to trust first while I see what happens. But I also try to remember that no-one can be trusted with everything, some people keep great secrets but never arrive on time, others are always dependable to be there when they said they would but gossip, some friends are amazing at dropping stuff to help, but lousey at being honest with their advice, some friends never seem to try and understand but keep secrets, always help, and turn up on time. I try not to let one failure destroy all trust - instead I think it's about knowing who you can trust with what. I try to remind myself there's plenty of times I've let people down.

gelfling

Oh Eq,

You're so wise. I love reading your posts. I agree that trust isn't a yes/no issue. We know whom we can trust with certain things. Just because they falter in one area doesn't make them untrustworthy in regard to something else.

escape artist

see-you allready have your answers to your questions. yes they did affect you and now you get to relive it all (those terrible feelings of betrayal) in your present-day relationship. isn't it wonderful how we get to keep re-living our dramas until we finally work them out?
i know how you feel....been in the same boat. at least now that you recognize this, you have the opportunity to put it to rest.
this place has lots and lots of excellent information for you to digest which may help you sort out what you are going through right now. it has helped me greatly to deal with these same issues. and it also takes the punch out of the situation (him out at the bars with the floozies) when you find out that 1. it is an act on his part
2. they really aren't having that much fun
3. you are ok even if you feel this way
4. you didn't cause it, you can't cure it
or control it
5. he does it to bounce his anger onto you
(try using detachment for that one)

good luck and keep posting!