Beautiful

Why do we stay?

Seriously, I am ready --and impatient now -- to continue my life. I am tired of waiting for dry drunk H to "hit bottom". I am tired of being alone in a marriage. I am tired of his being addicted to debt, I am tired of being a single parent with 2 adults in the house, I am tired of feeling lonely when I am at home. I am tired of not having my husband as my friend but rather my very own Hitler. I am just plain out tired. I am tired of the counselor telling me to "trust the process." How the hell long does it take for the process to work????????? I have two small children who I will never teach this crap to. That's it, they won't learn it. If their father is a jerk, he will be a jerk out of their little eye and earshot.

I finally broke down and got some medicine from my doctor for my nerves. When AH is home, I take it. When he's gone, I don't need it. Here's the kicker: HE thinks he is doing better! He thinks it's ME. Well, I would say that most everyone likes and respects me -- except him and his two nasty troll adult daughters. Even his ex-wife can say a few nice things about me and she's a bonafide nut.

Leave love out of it because love in and of itself isn't a reason to stay anywhere.

So, why do YOU stay?

splendra

I stay because I know I have these issues that are either going to be acted out or resolved. I might as well act out and resolve with someone I already am involved with rather than risk that I will just find another person who is worse than the man I am with. Maybe it seems a little lazy to not just go ahead and do it on my own with what I know now but, I want to see where it goes I guess....

JT

You don't have to wait for anyone to continue living your life. If your life is on hold because of him, stop that right now! Whether you stay or go, your life and your happiness belongs to you.

And because you asked I stay because the good outwieghs the bad. It wasn't always that way and I wasn't always able to see the good that was right in front of me. My husband and son both still drink, but me? I have a better life today than I could have ever hoped for.

JT

minnie

I didn't stay, however I can tell you why I stayed in the relationship as long as I did.

I felt sorry for him
I thought I could change him
I thought my love and support would make a difference
I thought I knew how to solve his problems
I was scared of what I would do if I left
I didn't want to feel a failure
I was in denial
I had my own issues to work through
He owed me a lot of money
I didn't want to be the same as all the other women who had left him
I believed his promises
I thought it would work out in the end

Why did I leave? Because I deserve better.

equus

Am I missing something? You ask why I stay? Why 'we' stay? Surely the only thing that should matter is your reasons for staying?

I think each one of our lives is intricate and individual what matters has to be our reasons - within our lives. I could list the reasons I stay but reading your op I can't see how you would relate to them - the situations are so different. Just as I don't think someone else's reasons for staying or leaving would be relevent to me.

Even if the question was why I have stayed in jobs (as I am now), houses or towns when I have ceased to enjoy them each answer would still be different for each situation. The only thing they would have in common would be that I thought it was the best option available, once that's changed I've changed whatever is bringing me down.

Beautiful

I think that it is the attitudes that bother me the most. I wouldn't care if he drank himself into a stupor every night if I felt like I was part of a marriage. He was in recovery when we met so I didn't see these traits until after we were married and then they surfaced like a lion. Uneducated in the "ics" world, I chalked it up to a myriad of other reasons. I guess what I am trying to establish is the criteria a *reasonable* person has for leaving and how long do you "hope" before you give up?

"Trust the process" is subjective. And, at this point, I think that AH is using that to retain the THINGS he wants to have. So, at what point am I enabling him vs. getting this fixed or letting him go?

minnie

Hon, it doesn't matter what anyone else does. It's your life.

What do you want to do?

journeygal

Hi Beautiful,

A lot of people get caught up in the stay or leave trap, as if the solution to this huge addiction monster simply boils down to a matter of staying or leaving. Well, it's not that simple. Leaving doesn't mean an end to the chaos, although that does happen in a lot of cases...until the person finds a new alcoholic/addict to replace the old one. And this happens way more often than we'd like.

A "reasonable" person makes changes to improve their life. They start living again. They start taking care of themselves emotionally, spiritually, and financially. They set boundaries, keep them, and don't remain in dangerous situations. Sometimes this can only be accomplished by leaving, but some people can do all these things and live a happy life with their A's.

There is always hope. Can we always hold out for recovery? Only you can decide that and chances are when the time comes to make a change, you'll know.

osier59

I have to agree with JG, there are many reasons to stay. Ultimately I stayed and worked on myself and my recovery. My goal changed - before it was to fix him or to fix us... then it became to fix ME. My singular goal was to become happy, healthy and whole, regardless of what he did or didn't do.

Because the truth of the matter is: wherever I go, there I am. Leaving without healing is just a geographic cure, and all that baggage comes right along with me. SO - I worked on myself, my recovery, my healing. And you know what? I have found myself in a really good place now.

I hope that you can find the same.

Hugs and love
Barb

ASpouse

Patience is paramount in this process. Your husband feels he is better and you are not working on you ..... you sound as if you feel if he gets well, you will be happy. I can guarantee you, you won't.

Beautiful

I was whole before I married him. Not perfect, just whole. I have been down the disaster road with him and find that making the ultimate decision to leave needs to be made out of something besides anger. Well, I'm not angry about what I've lost. I'm angry at the same attitudes that he keeps displaying, then guilt, then remorse, then the cycle begins again. I think that by leaving that I would be able to gain some peace because the same cycle would stop happening. When I'm away from him I am happy and content. When I am with him, I am a bundle of nerves. My issues would be settled by having some control over my destiny which is completely compromised as my husband lives beyond our means and only sees what he wants to see. The real picture is much more heinous than he could comprehend.

I want some security in this life -- partner or no partner. I have said a million times that I would rather live in an outhouse and walk than I would live where we live and have what we can't afford. He doesn't "get" that.

ASpouse

But you do have control over your destiny, you are letting him control your destiny. You can't change him, but you can change your circumstances, with or without him. Trying to get him to understand something that he can't comprehend is fruitless and it can be time spent trying to control your own destiny.

Beautiful

It's funny you wrote that. I just decided that in the car about an hour ago. I decided, after yesterday's dry drunk rage, that I was finished. I will be his roommate and live here until I decide it's time to go. I now consider myself a single mom with small babies.

Thanks for the advice.

CodeMaster

I didnt stay, and I cant tell you how even right now at this moment I feel this constant joy in my heart it feels like I'm high on drugs or something but I'm not, I'm just high on life and I never knew you could feel this way all day and night. What changed?

I left all contact from alcoholic ex girlfriend and though at first I felt like I was at a loss, and I did fall to the ground HARD, and I really crashed, I felt prayers from people here being answered and I felt destiny reaching out to lift me and I cannot tell you how I now know it was all in destiny's plan that I be released of this disease.

I cannot tell you how awesome it feels to be so free and how life changing of an event it has. I remember at my worst point, I was very determined to bring myself back up to be very strong again, but at that time, I never imagined it was even possible to be in the state I am right now, as strong and healthy and sane and lovefilled and a life that is overwhelmingly full.

I wish everyone else all the very best in life always and I know destiny watches over all of us, especially whom are suffering from this disease right now.

Beautiful

He's been bringing me coffee in bed for the last 2 days. Then he lingers around to see if I'm going to bring this subject up. I haven't. I won't. It's pointless and a waste of my energy. We see the counselor in another 10 days. If he's apologized by that point then great. If not, the counselor can sort it out. I simply can't waste anymore energy on this.

teach2read

Why did I stay? My answers are only that, mine. Your answers have to be for you, not for anyone else. Your recovery needs to be about you.

I didn't ask anyone if I should stay or go, cause I didn't even know myself. Now I am relieved that people didn't tell me what to do, instead they let me make my own choice on my own timetable.

I love my AH, but he is in relapse w/an addiction to an affair he began while helping another woman w/her recovery.

I had my reasons to stay and they fit me at the time, howerver then I had a reason to ask my AH to leave the house while he is still acting out. And then again, it was my choice for my recovery and on my timetable. Still painful, still sad, and still a loss.

Hang in there!
Teach

JessicaNAJ

Seperated, but still married. Why do I stay? Cause he's sober now and I want to see what he is capable of. Pretty stupid, huh?

Cap3

Why do i stay?Because there is something deeper going on here between the 2 of us,that words cannot explain.Call it love.Even this word hits, only the tip of the ice-berge,so to say.I have never made the decision to stay.When i first came to recovery programs i was ready to leave.I,made the decision to stay, then until i could have some recovery to make clearer decisions.But thats not what happened.I gave my life,my marriage,,all of me over to the care of God.I let go,and let God.As living in the 12 steps im changing,through His grace.Seeing,hearing,viewing situations /hub,so very differently.And seeing myself too with new eyes and heart.Doing my 4-9 steps freed me to love again,be more open.And through that conscious contact with God,to love unconditionally.God has done for me,what i cannot do for myself,and our marriage.

clyde

Cuz I do not want to be alone.

Because I do not want to be a single parent.

Because surley I can fix this.

Because I am already here and change suks.

However, he will not be staying much longer. He has asked for more time to work on him and I have said NO. The counsler has said NO. Really it is just a matter of hours to figure out if the last session with the counsler had any effect whatsoever. I doubt. BTW I did not mention love before because it is so damaged by all that I have been through that it is not reason it is just a word.

Magichappens

I stayed because I decided that I could change and learn to live no matter who was around. I stayed because I was going to give MY recovery a decent try before I threw in the towel. I stayed because I believe alcoholism is a disease, and that I loved a sick person. I stayed because I knew I had as much of a hand in that disaster of a relationship as he did, and I was going to at least right my part in it. All very personal decisions which ultimately helped my own life and recovery. Hugs, Magic