eddie z.

Didn't quite know where to put this, so I thought...Newcomers Board!

I realized last night that when I said I quit my self-harm in 1986 that wasn't entirely true. I think it really started earlier and ended later than I was counting. I stopped cutting back in '86, but then there were tattoos, body piercings, and IV drug use. All involving needles. Now I can safely say I haven't self-harmed since I got clean in December 2002 because that's when I quit injecting drugs. But I believe I was as hooked on the process as on the drugs themselves.

I haven't had many drug cravings since getting clean, but I have had those urges to self-harm. Why is this, do you think? Does anyone else find there's a relationship between the two? Just wondering...

Love and hugs,
Eddie

sickk&tired

Hmmm......I can't answer the question, but I definitely know what you mean. Maybe we're coorolating our addiction with some sort of punishment, and even though we don't use anymore our minds still expect the punishment? Like abused spouses who continue to crave the abuse after its gone..they still look for it because they're so used to it. A wierd dysfunctional comfort thing.

OK I really need to go to bed. It took me 5 minutes to determine whether or not I spelled "dysfuncitonal" right. :-P

ToriGirl

You don't have to answer..but were you abused as a child or any other time in life?

Sometimes we continue to abuse ourselves long after the abuser is gone.

My boyfriend has been clean for 2 years..but he loves the pain from getting tattoos. I never thought anything of it. Till you mentioned this.

eddie z.

Yes, and I know there's a correlation between the two, but I have yet to figure out what it is, for me at least. There's a theory that the pain causes endorphin release and that's what people get addicted to. I think for me it was more like Bea said, I was punishing myself. Sometimes, anyway...

Thanks for your responses!
Love and hugs,
Dysfunctional Ed

ToriGirl

I'm sorry Ed. I don't understand why there are people in this world who wanna hurt others.

I cry sometimes thinking about the pain my b/f went through. I don't know what to do. I just hope he is ok inside. But I never really know.

Hopefully the saying is true.."What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger"

Take care Sweet Girl !!!

Hugs ,

~Kelly

eddie z.

((((Kelly)))),
The guy that did my tattoos said alot of times people get drowsy while he's working. I guess that's the endorphins which are pretty "addictive." I don't think everyone who is into stuff like tattooing was necessarily abused, but there just seems to be alot of self-harm type stuff in those who were. Does this make sense? Don't worry so much, honey!

Love and hugs,
Eddie

ToriGirl

I do worry...too much. It became more intense after I had my kid. Is there a worriers anonmous?

He was abused as a kid. I just worry about him...I can't help it.

But on the up side..I have stopped worring about washing whites with colors. And my kid can wear his shoes without his socks and I don't care anymore. So I am making some progress. :hugehug

eddie z.

teehee

That's right. It's progress, not perfection, to use a cliche from AA.

-ez

shestruggles

worries anon - sign me up!

eddie z.

Isn't that called Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, or CoDA? LOL. I'm not knockin' them at all! I actually go to Al-Anon sometimes, or should I say WA? LOL again.

Love and hugs,
Eddie

jbm125

Hi, I don't know why any more than any of these other replies you got. I do know we develop an addiction to the process. I saw a PBS special about recovering heroin addicts. They had a hidden camera set up in a Dr.'s office and one at a time recovering addicts would come in to talk. The doc explained the works on his desk wre filled with sterile water and would not get them high. Then he'd make an excuse to leave for 10 minutes. They almost all picked up the works and banged. Knowing they wouldn't get high. Go figure. With me it was pills. If I couldn't get what I wanted I was taking vitamins, tylenol, immodium etc. Just the act of popping a pill did something for me psychologically. Go figure that too. I can't. God bless.

eddie z.

We're all just a big mess, aren't we? LOL.
Thanks for your response!
Love and hugs,
Eddie

splendra

I find this to be an intersting topic. I have done my share of dope I never did inject it. I wonder if people who cut and harm themselves are trying to take something out of themselves like they are trying to find the right place to put a hole that will drain something out?

eddie z.

Although I was a self-harmer, I never could explain it except that sometimes I felt such mental/emotional pain that I didn't know how to express that hurting myself physically seemed to say the right thing. Now THAT made NO sense! LOL.

I thought we were trying to FILL a hole. That emptiness. Sometimes I was punishing myself but more often than not I don't know why I did what I did. BUt your post reminded me of a line from John Prine's song Sam Stone. "There's a hole in Daddy's arm where all the money goes..." Great, tragic song.

Love and hugs,
Eddie

ToriGirl

It's physical proof of an internal pain that is not able to be seen.

We feel so much pain inside we want it to hurt for real on the outside.

I would scratch my skin up bad when I was comming down off weed. I would feel better after I did it and be able to see how much pain I was in.

Hard to belive that I did that looking back. It was just when I was comming off the weed that I did that. Makes me see how powerful that drug really is.

eddie z.

I think that's what I was trying to say. Anyway, it makes more sense to me.

((((ToriGirl))))
Aren't you so glad to have that mess out of your life? I never was big into pot but I smoked enough of it for long enough a few times to have withdrawals and I know what that is like. Man, was I b**chy! And depressed...and tired. No thank you.

Love and hugs,
Eddie

eddie z.

claymama,
You missed the thread we had about "why I'm not a junkie." It was about all our rationalizations and denial. Crazy stuff. Like, I'm not a junkie because I never shot heroin...I only snorted it, etc. LOL.

Please VOTE in the poll, everybody, OK?

Love and hugs,
Eddie

ToriGirl

Yes Eddie, my friend...I am super glad not to be smoking pot anymore. I never knew it was this evil. Alot of my friends don't know either. But as the years go by one by one..they start getting the clue. Maybe one day ..they will all be sober. At least me and my brother finally understand how dangerous it is.And that's why I post in here alot. To let others know that doing "just weed" can do as much harm as any other drug...it just takes longer and sneaks up on ya.

eddie z.

Keep up the good work!! "The therapeutic value of one addict helping another is without parallel!"

Love and hugs,
Eddie

infinate

self harming to me is like screaming without words. i feel better afterwards, and then stupid after that.

and the drug thing, i agree, its the whole process...

and tattoos and piercings yes im in love with those too. having tattoos is good because the feeling goes on for longer. and piercings...


infinate