JessicaNAJ

AH just sent me a text (which he never does) that says I love you. I'm sure he wants me to respond, but I'm scared. What should I do? We've been married 15 years...yet, I'm scared to tell him that I love him....is that crazy??

Help?

JessicaNAJ

Well, he sent it again. Same message. So I responded. I do love him, but I'm not sure that was the right thing to do. I feel like I just opened Pandora's box.

ASpouse

If you told him the truth no harm done. When my husband would say that to me, I'd tell him I love him without the booze, with the booze it was pure hatred.

kimmyf1965

Aspouse, Can I use that one? I've struggled with what I should respond back to my husband. He does that all the time and some when he calls me at work. He'll say, I love you." Sometimes I'll say, "Oh really!!" or "Actions speak louder than words". I love him too but I don't feel comfortable telling him after one of his episodes.

Savana 54

Yes, but it seems the dry drunks are just as bad, and there isn't any booze involoved there.

ASpouse

I made it very clear that he had to be without the booze with a program. There were no exceptions to that rule.

I told him only once, that he could not live with us being an alcoholic. He packed his stuff to manipulate me, to prove to me "I couldn't do it without him", but he knew I could so he never left. He was never a dry drunk ...... once he committed to not drinking he stuck to it. He had also been drinking for 35 years prior to quitting for good, so it's not as if this happened overnight.

His love for me had nothing to do with him quitting, it was our kids that were the catalyst.

In Jessica's instance, her husband is in a program I believe, so I would think it's ok to say I love you without the booze, hate you with it.

Yes, dry drunks are the worst and I'll tell you this, when my husband misses several meetings in a row because of work, or being busy with other things, he has a tendency to fall back on bad habits. I tell him that I feel like I'm living with an alcoholic again, calmly. He knows and he knows he needs to get to a meeting right quick.

ggnewme

JessicaNA - no harm done, I say - I broke it off with my exABF two months ago, and he knows I still love him - I tell him so. I think that generally we should give and accept love from whatever source it comes. Loving someone means that not only do you want them to be well, but thriving; and while sometimes an ill person can disregard that, sometimes it is a thing that will help them take the next step....

GettingBy

(((Jessica))))....

I am all too familiar with the situation you are talking about. I get the whole, "Do you even still love me?" questions... and they are hard. I know that 1) he's asking because he really is worried that what he's doing is pushing me away and 2) he's fishing for some sign that he is loveable. I get all screwed up thinking about how to respond... is saying it back enabling him? is not saying it manipulating him with guilt? I hate games and I feel like that's all we have at this point. We play games with each other for "control" of the relationship. It's so sad.

So back to the point... I guess if it were me. I would have to ask myself, "Do I feel love for him right now?" If so, then I'd say it back. If I didn't feel a sense of love towards him (which happens quite a bit lately), I'd have to either say nothing at all, or a simple "Thank you" so that he didn't think I was ignoring/shunning him. You can't say what you don't feel, so be honest with yourself.

I think it all goes back to walking on eggshells. I'm really beginning to hate eggs.

ASpouse

I have to ask ....... what is wrong with just telling the truth? I think all of this thinking is what gets us CoDe's in trouble in the first place. Should I, shouldn't I? This, to me is typical CoDe behavior, trying to manipulate what the A's in our lives do or don't do.

If you love someone, tell them, if not then say so. It has been my experience that NOTHING I said to the A in my life changed anything, for the good or the better.

There is no need to walk on eggshells if you are true to yourself and are confident in what your believe in.

I breed and train dogs as a hobby. I watch puppies go from happy go lucky little guys, to juveniles who lack confidence and with a bit of encouragement and support from me blossom into confident happy adult dogs. Now this is a weird analogy, we can't compare humans to animals in any respect, but the concept is the same. I see nothing wrong with giving support and letting our A's either do it or not. It's really up to them.

JessicaNAJ

Actually, he's not. He thinks those programs "AA", "After Care", whatever, are stupid. He actually critisized me b/c I will (sometimes) go out on a saturday, have a couple drinks, and then go to an Al-Anon meeting on Monday night.

He's not in a program. He's been to 26 weeks (one night a week) of after care (court ordered) and he's been to some AA meetings. He's also reading some self-help books BUT not actively working a program.

I am scared, b/c regardless of what he says, I feel in my heart he will start drinking again. I guess that is the trust issue and he needs to earn it back. Only time will tell. I don't want my heart broke again.

I have the tools I need and I know what is at stake. The only one I can get mad at now for a broken heart is me. I'm a little disappointed with myself for letting that wall down. And, I'M SCARED. Here goes..... Baby steps

ASpouse

I make that mistake all the time. Sorry! You have told me several times he is not in a program.

Why not tell him that if he was in a program you would feel more confident in his feelings for you. No harm done with that. If he refuses, then you have an idea of where you stand, love or not!

JessicaNAJ

LOL....that's okay. If you ask him, he knows it all anyway.


I would definately feel better if he were working a program or counseling or something. You're right, then I would feel better.....like he was actually doing something, ya know??

JessicaNAJ

I just wanted to add something......

It's amazing how much can change in a year. A year ago I was so full of anger and resentment and always thinking about the past and what he's done.

I still have doubt, but I guess time will change that....or not.

Thank you SoberRecovery for being here to help me through....believe me - I'm not done yet.

Luckyv2

What I would have to really look at is my motives, and try to be honest with myself. The word love is used so loosly anymore it is just a four letter word. I myself know that the most important thing for me is my program. If I put anyone or anything before that then I will be in trouble. They say and this is my experiance that if you put something or someone which was my case that you would loose it and possibly relapse. Well a year ago I did relapse and I did loose the person that said that she loved me. I think that I was played, so does my sponsor but I don't regret it because it is just part of my journey. Anyway I will be praying for you to do the next right thing. God Bless you.


Just a run in the mill junkie trying to recover, NA WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ggnewme

Jess - same thing with my ex - he's not working a program, and not even given up drinking yet - he went from 3 weeks sobriety to a bender to "controlling" it and now back to daily drinking. It's taken me months - but I am SO relieved that I was able to put myself in a position to be unaffected by his choices, or lack thereof. He is not in a program, or reading, or talking to any other "recovering" As, not willing to give up his friends or lifestyle - although just recently he admitted that he won't be able to quit entirely on his own - that he NEEDS a program, and to read, and to talk.... Never the less, he is still not Walking the Walk, so I'm keeping my distance and moving on emotionally while he's sorting it all out. Yes I still love him, I always will and I want him to know that - but it has certainly taken a "tough love" turn recently. Not that I wasn't telling him all along what I thought he needed to do to help himself, but now, I'm safe - My stability is protected from his unbalance, and that is the best position I think I can be in to help him. Kudos to the people who can stay 100% in a relationship with an A and achieve that perspective - I couldn't - I wasn't able to be loving towards him anymore and maintain my romantic attachment to him. I believe we're both better off for now.

Although it just occured to me today, I may still be keeping him for hitting his bottom, by preventing him from seeking that same unconditional love in a HP, which is something he is definately struggling with, which is keeping him from AA....

I think this is a process of constant evaluation and re-evlauation, so long as we ever choose to have strong relationships in our lives, but especially with an A.

Hang in there - don't be afraid of your emotions, just spend a little time making sure your motives are pure. You'll do fine - you're a strong woman.

JessicaNAJ

ggnewme - I went from him being the only person I would ever love to not sure what I felt, to him being someone I hated and now back to not sure how I feel. I do love him. I know that. But I don't know how deep my love is. Is it just a feeling I've come accustomed to? I can't say it's unconditional b/c if he were to start drinking again, I would have to say goodbye. I will not put myself in that situation again.

I've shut down my feelings for him so I could work on myself. That is the only way I've been able to come as far as I have and in the 15+ years I've known him, that is the only thing that has ever worked - I'm a huge CoDe. Like I said before, I feel like I've opened Pandora's box. Am I setting myself up to be hurt again? I have prayed for my HP's guidance and strength to do the right thing. I guess he knows what he's doing

My dad told me to take it slow. I think as long as I do that and I am prepared for what may happen, I'll be okay. Expect the worst but hope for the best. One day at a time.

equus

Jess - Do you like him? I think sometimes that's easier to figure out.

ggnewme

I agree with your Dad - keep protecting yourself, take it slow. One thing to consider, I guess, is that your "I love you" was a response to his... maybe you wouldn't have volunteered that info unless prompted. An admission of love dosen't have to open Pandora's box, unless you let it. Shame on your H is he takes advantage of that. Saying I Love you doesn't have to be a long term committment, if you're still unsure about your marriage, you know? It's true, and you were feeling it at the moment, and that's ok too. You don't have to say it again if you don't want to, and furthermore, you can talk to him about what you both mean by that what you say it....

I understand about not being able to be with him if he relapses, especially since he's not in a program. That's how I feel too, right or wrong or whatever.... it's our feelings and I think we are both being realistic about the consequences, good or bad.

When you're ready, maybe he'll agree to marriage counseling? there are just so many elements to this - just saying "I love you" doesn't necessarily imply that you're going to live your life any differently than you did this past year - working on yourself. I suspect that if you didn't love him all along, you would be divorced by now- clearly you believe you have some reason to hope for your future together, and we all hope you are right.
AFter all, we can't truly love another person w/o loving ourselves first, and you are getting a firm grip on that! Maybe you're ready to be hopeful again....