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Day 1

Old 05-29-2005, 07:34 PM
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Day 1

I am finally saying I have a cocaine problem. But tonight is different because tonight I am promising myself that I will not do any tonight and pray I have the courage to contact someone tomorrow if I feel the need. I already told the people I get it from that I no longer wish to continue because it is becoming a big problem and If I should go to them then they are to say NO!!! (they happily agreed and said they saw it coming) I also contacted a long time friend and my husband and said when I feel the need I will contact you ASAP. (They to happily agreed and said they saw it coming) And here I thought they were the stupid ones. WRONG!

I came here to SR last year and I was able to get off pain meds (thank you all). But after that I had a bad time and started doing cocaine. I have been doing that for 7 months now. I was trying to only do it once a week, but now I find myself wanting more. Needless to say I want off this junk. My face looks 10 years older, I have gained weight and am going broke. I am lieing not only to others but myself as well. So I came back to SR to help me start the process. I know that I have to start here since it worked so well for me before.

So there, I have finally said it out loud and am starting my new life today. Today was the first day in 7 months I went to a function sober. God it felt good. Thank you for listening and I will be back. I would appreciate any advice I can get.
Thanks again
Debby
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Old 05-29-2005, 07:39 PM
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i just wanted to say congrats, thats great. i have a problem, not with cocaine, but with my friend rachel who does cocaine. not only have i tried it for the first time like 2 weeks ago, which is not cool, but she's doing it so much it scares me. she's only gets a half hour to an hour of sleep a day, she's already a tooth pick so not eating cant be good. she always looks sick and its sad, but her skin all over her body has sores and is really disgusting...do u have any advice so i can help her?
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Old 05-29-2005, 07:40 PM
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Welcome back Debby, sounds like you are on the right track. Telling my dealer not to sell to me was one of the hardest things I did. He was more of a friend than a "real dealer" so he was cool with it. He too thought maybe things were getting a bit out of control for me. Comming out of the closet with this stuff is some of the best stuff you can do!! You've been around for awhile, so I'm sure you know all about NA and other recovery programs out there. I've found it does help to be involved to some extent, even if just to get around some clean people. I stay very active on these boards as well as some other recovery sites. It just helps to keep my head in the right place. Congrats on you decision to "come back", you know you are always welcome!! Take care
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Old 05-29-2005, 07:57 PM
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Congrats on admitting your problem! I have to disagree with your comment as far as telling your dealer not to sell to you anymore that wont work. If they are a friend and still selling most likely they are using them selves so if your around them u'll use again. If they aren't a friend and just a dealer they are going to sell to you and disregard what you asked them to because they want their $$ and they don't give a **** about you. I have been down that road before except I wasn't doing coke all the time. I never really became addicted to it to the point I was doing it every day but what was once just a weekend thing became a weekend thing a couple times a during the week. I had friends who lost weight while doing coke but I actually gained like you stated. I ended up spending half of my pay checks on coke and the worse feeling in the world was after you ran out you got the shakes and you nose starting to run and then after you go through that little period your nose starting to stuff up. It's a really bad addiction, expensive as hell, and the **** doesn't last long. (I switched to pain meds. after I went through my coke stage) None of it is worth it. Keep posting and I can def. relate your not alone!
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Old 05-29-2005, 08:00 PM
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One day at a time Debby.Hang in there.If I can do this anyone can
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Old 05-29-2005, 08:53 PM
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Welcome Back Debby...
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Old 05-30-2005, 06:27 AM
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Maria, thank you for congratulating me, but please dont tell someone trying to get sober that they are wrong. You made me feel like I was stupid which made me feel worthless which is how I became to love drugs to begin with. If I didnt tell my dealer not to sell to me any more than I am not serious about getting clean now am I.
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Old 05-30-2005, 07:59 AM
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Debby... I feel your pain. I had a major cocaine problem (among other things) in the 80's. I used for over a decade. I was clean for seven years and I'm not fighting it this time around, but I still remember the hell (thankfully).

I don't think Maria83 was saying you did the wrong thing. I read it to say that she doesn't agree it will work as far as the dealer is concerned. It comes off as a friendly warning to me. I would have to agree with her that it's a rare dealer that will agree not to sell to you. They're ususally using and a lot of them sell to be able to use. When I used cocaine, I dealt it because it was the only way to afford my habit. I wouldn't have listened to someone tell me not to sell to them.

Please don't chose to feel stupid or worthless. If you've been here in the past, then you know about all the love and support that's here. Including from Maria (read her post again). Take the advice you want and leave the rest behind.

I've been aggitated myself this past week, but this time around I know that any feelings I'm having are my responsibility and mine alone. When I realized that no one can "make" me feel any particular way and that I have the ability to respond any way I choose, it was the most liberating day of my life. I went from an angry young man to be able to laugh at anything.

I'm sorry if you find some harshness in this post as well, but I'm completely sincere that my words come from friendship and love as I believe they did from Maria as well. Keep posting and do what you think is best for your recovery. If something isn't working, change it... but keep an open mind to others advice... we're all in the same boat, right?

much love...
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Old 05-30-2005, 09:01 AM
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Hey Debbie, like I said before I think you did a good thing telling your dealer that. It is hard to to. It is tough to tell using buddies that you are done, and it sounds like at least they are being supportive. Don't worry about what one person says to you, I know its hard not to be ultra sensetive at this stage in the game. I thought maria was a bit harsh too and I was going to respond, but I just let it go. I'm sure she means well, some people talk a little too "tough" sometimes. Anyway, keep doing what you are doing, it sounds like you have a good plan. Take care
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Old 05-30-2005, 09:19 AM
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Hello Debby

Welcome back! I laughed when I read you saying you were only going to try it once a week. I tried that also, didn't work. My prayers are with you Debby. You know what to do. You did it before. We are all here for you.
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Old 05-30-2005, 09:49 AM
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Welcome back Debby.
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