Still In OC
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Still In OC
HELLO
Well almost a year alone now and some of you asked when another thread.
Well I will start one. You know I was doing ok this past few days and then started missing my son and then my wife.
All the self help and slogans and all the nice things do not change the fact of the pain.
It’s just what I feel, I miss my family and there is no changing that.
Yes I can change myself, grow and all that but I love my wife how many people know love and the felling of it?
No it goes beyond feeling sorry for my self because its just pain and the loss and after a year it still feels just as strong.
But with all that said she makes no effort to keep in touch or get help that I know of.
So I see all the times she called and look back to see the she always needed something. Never how are you Christian.
No I can not predict the future here, no one can.
Will she return? Who knows. Will I want her back after the trust and vows have been broken? Good question and it all rests on if I want “more of the same”.
The fact is leaving a 2nd or 3rd time would be some much easier for her and the others. The line has been crossed. Then there is the whole adultery issue. Can I or any of us be with someone that is prone to do this?
So many things to think about.
Like I said earlier here I was doing well and then today a wave of emotion that brought me to my knees hit this morning.
I’m starting over, no other way to look at it. I’m dealing with an alcoholic wife that left and lives with another man. She has cheated on me and lied. She broke her vows and promises to me.
Plain and simple.
Deal with it.
I wept at the loss and with the fact that, I’m alone. It really does suck no matter how you look at it.
The getting back of my life is to really prepare me to be
alone, and anyone that can not see that has further issues.
I might sound a little bitter; ok I am bitter for being tossed aside .
I put a lot of time and effort into this with a sad return. Yes I made my mistakes along the way, and I’ll take some of the blame. Hell I was hard to deal with once I had to baby-sit a full-grown woman.
It is a sad case to love as deep as I do. I find her the most beautiful girl I had ever met. She had charm and wit, and she in the beginning was so very good to me. In her defense she did try the best she could, she knew she was flawed and I would find her crying and unsure of herself a lot.
She would act like a little girl at times wondering if I loved her, or if she was enough for me.
I still tear up with the thought of my stepson effected by all this. You see the 1st time I met the little guy was on our 3rd date.
He peeked around the corner of the hallway wall when I first saw him. He looked very scared, so sweet and gentle, he was 2 years old.
I miss him so much I can not tell you in words.
I was my buddy for so long then something happened and he closed up. I could not reach him these last years but he cried the last time I saw him a week before
she left. I had told him things were strained and I feared the worst. I have not seen him since. She wont even let me talk to him.
So as a year comes to an end for me without her the only thing I still have left is myself.
Yes stronger, yes a little wiser, but still missing my family.
Well almost a year alone now and some of you asked when another thread.
Well I will start one. You know I was doing ok this past few days and then started missing my son and then my wife.
All the self help and slogans and all the nice things do not change the fact of the pain.
It’s just what I feel, I miss my family and there is no changing that.
Yes I can change myself, grow and all that but I love my wife how many people know love and the felling of it?
No it goes beyond feeling sorry for my self because its just pain and the loss and after a year it still feels just as strong.
But with all that said she makes no effort to keep in touch or get help that I know of.
So I see all the times she called and look back to see the she always needed something. Never how are you Christian.
No I can not predict the future here, no one can.
Will she return? Who knows. Will I want her back after the trust and vows have been broken? Good question and it all rests on if I want “more of the same”.
The fact is leaving a 2nd or 3rd time would be some much easier for her and the others. The line has been crossed. Then there is the whole adultery issue. Can I or any of us be with someone that is prone to do this?
So many things to think about.
Like I said earlier here I was doing well and then today a wave of emotion that brought me to my knees hit this morning.
I’m starting over, no other way to look at it. I’m dealing with an alcoholic wife that left and lives with another man. She has cheated on me and lied. She broke her vows and promises to me.
Plain and simple.
Deal with it.
I wept at the loss and with the fact that, I’m alone. It really does suck no matter how you look at it.
The getting back of my life is to really prepare me to be
alone, and anyone that can not see that has further issues.
I might sound a little bitter; ok I am bitter for being tossed aside .
I put a lot of time and effort into this with a sad return. Yes I made my mistakes along the way, and I’ll take some of the blame. Hell I was hard to deal with once I had to baby-sit a full-grown woman.
It is a sad case to love as deep as I do. I find her the most beautiful girl I had ever met. She had charm and wit, and she in the beginning was so very good to me. In her defense she did try the best she could, she knew she was flawed and I would find her crying and unsure of herself a lot.
She would act like a little girl at times wondering if I loved her, or if she was enough for me.
I still tear up with the thought of my stepson effected by all this. You see the 1st time I met the little guy was on our 3rd date.
He peeked around the corner of the hallway wall when I first saw him. He looked very scared, so sweet and gentle, he was 2 years old.
I miss him so much I can not tell you in words.
I was my buddy for so long then something happened and he closed up. I could not reach him these last years but he cried the last time I saw him a week before
she left. I had told him things were strained and I feared the worst. I have not seen him since. She wont even let me talk to him.
So as a year comes to an end for me without her the only thing I still have left is myself.
Yes stronger, yes a little wiser, but still missing my family.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
Let's try this. A good friend, maybe one of your roommates comes to you and says:
I miss my wife. She's an alcoholic and/or using drugs. She left me, she lives with another man. She cheated on me. She seemed to have issues when we lived together. She doesn't want counseling or help from AA or NA or treatment of any kind. She calls once in a while, but never to ask about me she just calls because she wants something from me. She left me with all the bills. I fell in love with her son as well, but now I can't see him either, she won't allow that. I don't see her getting any better, in fact, she seems to be doing worse. I just can't seem to let go of her, I think about her all the time, miss her way too much. I compare all other women to this mental picture I have of the woman who in reality doesn't exist any more, she changed and doesn't seem to want to change back. What do you think I should do?
And you would tell him......?????????
Your pal, who is also struggling and still in OC.
I miss my wife. She's an alcoholic and/or using drugs. She left me, she lives with another man. She cheated on me. She seemed to have issues when we lived together. She doesn't want counseling or help from AA or NA or treatment of any kind. She calls once in a while, but never to ask about me she just calls because she wants something from me. She left me with all the bills. I fell in love with her son as well, but now I can't see him either, she won't allow that. I don't see her getting any better, in fact, she seems to be doing worse. I just can't seem to let go of her, I think about her all the time, miss her way too much. I compare all other women to this mental picture I have of the woman who in reality doesn't exist any more, she changed and doesn't seem to want to change back. What do you think I should do?
And you would tell him......?????????
Your pal, who is also struggling and still in OC.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Home
Posts: 338
Hi MC, how are you feeling today? I understand about love and changes and heartbreak, it does hurt. We must love ourselves as well and move forward the best we can, and not feel like failures because of what's happened that is beyond our control as well as the other person's when they are not in recovery. I saw this posted by Ann over at Naranon, copied it to post here. Hope you feel some peace today. Hope I do too. I think it will come around today if only for a brief moment
Language of Letting Go - May 29
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Powerlessness and Unmanageability
Willpower is not the key to the way of life we are seeking. Surrender is.
I have spent much of my life trying to make people be, do, or feel something they aren't, don't want to do, and choose not to feel. I have made them, and myself, crazy in that process, said one recovering woman.
I spent my childhood trying to make an alcoholic father who didn't love himself be a normal person who loved me. I then married an alcoholic and spent a decade trying to make him stop drinking.
I have spent years trying to make emotionally unavailable people be emotionally present for me.
I have spent even more years trying to make family members, who are content feeling miserable, happy. What Im saying is this: I've spent much of my life desperately and vainly trying to do the impossible and feeling like a failure when I couldn't. It's been like planting corn and trying to make the seeds grow peas. Won't work!
By surrendering to powerlessness, I gain the presence of mind to stop wasting my time and energy trying to change and control that which I cannot change and control. It gives me permission to stop trying to do the impossible and focus on what is possible: being who I am, loving myself, feeling what I feel, and doing what I want to do with my life.
In recovery, we learn to stop fighting lions, simply because we cannot win. We also learn that the more we are focused on controlling and changing others, the more unmanageable our life becomes. The more we focus on living our own life, the more we have a life to live, and the more manageable our life will become.
Today, I will accept powerlessness where I have no power to change things, and I'll allow my life to become manageable.
Language of Letting Go - May 29
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Powerlessness and Unmanageability
Willpower is not the key to the way of life we are seeking. Surrender is.
I have spent much of my life trying to make people be, do, or feel something they aren't, don't want to do, and choose not to feel. I have made them, and myself, crazy in that process, said one recovering woman.
I spent my childhood trying to make an alcoholic father who didn't love himself be a normal person who loved me. I then married an alcoholic and spent a decade trying to make him stop drinking.
I have spent years trying to make emotionally unavailable people be emotionally present for me.
I have spent even more years trying to make family members, who are content feeling miserable, happy. What Im saying is this: I've spent much of my life desperately and vainly trying to do the impossible and feeling like a failure when I couldn't. It's been like planting corn and trying to make the seeds grow peas. Won't work!
By surrendering to powerlessness, I gain the presence of mind to stop wasting my time and energy trying to change and control that which I cannot change and control. It gives me permission to stop trying to do the impossible and focus on what is possible: being who I am, loving myself, feeling what I feel, and doing what I want to do with my life.
In recovery, we learn to stop fighting lions, simply because we cannot win. We also learn that the more we are focused on controlling and changing others, the more unmanageable our life becomes. The more we focus on living our own life, the more we have a life to live, and the more manageable our life will become.
Today, I will accept powerlessness where I have no power to change things, and I'll allow my life to become manageable.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: houston, tx
Posts: 323
To help you deal with the infidelity you might go to www.survivinginfidelity.com. hugs dax
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Hello All!
Cloudy,
How are you? I’ve been doing what I can really to keep myself busy. I went to an Alanon/AA picnic on Saturday. It was good; I played basketball and softball, which I have not played for over 30 years.
It was fun, and there is a BBQ today, which I will be going to.
I must admit I have felt in a way that I did fail at the marriage, that old should of, could of thing.
It’s so hard to let go all the way.
You see I have only had 2 real relationships in my life. My 1st wife for 15 years and my wife now for 9.
I’m just not the hopping kind to go from one to another.
So I really feel strongly about her.
Walking:
Hello Hello!
Yes it does sound crazy if someone told me I would say run, but then again my emotions would not be there to feel the pain.
Dax:
Thank you for the link, I will check it out.
Cloudy,
How are you? I’ve been doing what I can really to keep myself busy. I went to an Alanon/AA picnic on Saturday. It was good; I played basketball and softball, which I have not played for over 30 years.
It was fun, and there is a BBQ today, which I will be going to.
I must admit I have felt in a way that I did fail at the marriage, that old should of, could of thing.
It’s so hard to let go all the way.
You see I have only had 2 real relationships in my life. My 1st wife for 15 years and my wife now for 9.
I’m just not the hopping kind to go from one to another.
So I really feel strongly about her.
Walking:
Hello Hello!
Yes it does sound crazy if someone told me I would say run, but then again my emotions would not be there to feel the pain.
Dax:
Thank you for the link, I will check it out.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Home
Posts: 338
love the avatar!
Sounds like you really did good things for yourself over the weekend and today. I understand about the shoulda wouldas and deep feelings that are not just easily shrugged off. We must allow ourselves time and patience for dealing with our feelings and thoughts, and we must allow ourselves to take our steps forward too. Sometimes our feet will be heavy, sometimes light, sometimes like we are stuck in quicksand, sometimes like we are running (ok I haven't felt that yet but working on it!)
keep going you're doing great
Sounds like you really did good things for yourself over the weekend and today. I understand about the shoulda wouldas and deep feelings that are not just easily shrugged off. We must allow ourselves time and patience for dealing with our feelings and thoughts, and we must allow ourselves to take our steps forward too. Sometimes our feet will be heavy, sometimes light, sometimes like we are stuck in quicksand, sometimes like we are running (ok I haven't felt that yet but working on it!)
keep going you're doing great
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Hello all,
Yes I’m a big nut for “Big Blue”.
Question :
Had a bit of upsetting news get back to me.
A neighbor friend of mine that used to work at the same club we did saw me just now.
She knew what had been happening and asked about my stepson.
I told her I did not get to see him.
She then sat me down and said she needed to talk to me.
She then told me that my wife had told her and others that I was a wife abuser.
She said that she had her believing it for some time.
Gang I was crushed. My tax lady asked me this also, so now that’s 2 people.
I am so hurt at this; I do not know how to react. I need some help here!
I NEVER could do that.
She would take swings at me when she was drunk and I would just stand there.
How could she say such a thing?
Is this why my son is gone?
What can I do?
Yes I’m a big nut for “Big Blue”.
Question :
Had a bit of upsetting news get back to me.
A neighbor friend of mine that used to work at the same club we did saw me just now.
She knew what had been happening and asked about my stepson.
I told her I did not get to see him.
She then sat me down and said she needed to talk to me.
She then told me that my wife had told her and others that I was a wife abuser.
She said that she had her believing it for some time.
Gang I was crushed. My tax lady asked me this also, so now that’s 2 people.
I am so hurt at this; I do not know how to react. I need some help here!
I NEVER could do that.
She would take swings at me when she was drunk and I would just stand there.
How could she say such a thing?
Is this why my son is gone?
What can I do?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
You have to realize that your wife has issues. You cannot ponder on what she is saying about you, as hard as it may be. I have a neighbor friend of mine who says the same about her ex and I know for a fact that she provoked anything he may have done to her. She is brutal too, let me tell ya.
She actually cheated and lied to her recently ex-bf over and over again. When he moved out, she asked him why he was being a jerk to her cause she didn't do anything to him????? HELLO.
Christian, you can't compete with that. There is nothing you can do. Let it roll off your shoulders. You know you didn't do anything to her and that is what matters. You know what you are made of. You will have your chance to make amends with your step-son. Just give it time, even if it is 5 years down the road. It's time for you to move on.
She actually cheated and lied to her recently ex-bf over and over again. When he moved out, she asked him why he was being a jerk to her cause she didn't do anything to him????? HELLO.
Christian, you can't compete with that. There is nothing you can do. Let it roll off your shoulders. You know you didn't do anything to her and that is what matters. You know what you are made of. You will have your chance to make amends with your step-son. Just give it time, even if it is 5 years down the road. It's time for you to move on.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Hello Jessica,
I can not begin to tell you how hurt I am with this. After all that has happened, this is set in front of me.
You know I never even cursed at her while we were together?
This is the ultimate kick in the crotch. I feel like someone let all the air out of me, I’m really floored with this.
I did speak to my sponsor about it. He said that this is common with alcoholics to start stories like this to validate their actions.
It’s just another point that shows we never know how far someone will go to hurt another.
I can not begin to tell you how hurt I am with this. After all that has happened, this is set in front of me.
You know I never even cursed at her while we were together?
This is the ultimate kick in the crotch. I feel like someone let all the air out of me, I’m really floored with this.
I did speak to my sponsor about it. He said that this is common with alcoholics to start stories like this to validate their actions.
It’s just another point that shows we never know how far someone will go to hurt another.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
You know one thing that helped me was.....
She is not doing this TO YOU. She is saying those things FOR HER. She is not sane and has to lie and make things up so she can live with herself. I supect most A's will say anything not to take responsibility for what happens.
So remember when she is lying about you... saying these things she is probably lying cuz she cant stand to live with the truth.
She is not doing this TO YOU. She is saying those things FOR HER. She is not sane and has to lie and make things up so she can live with herself. I supect most A's will say anything not to take responsibility for what happens.
So remember when she is lying about you... saying these things she is probably lying cuz she cant stand to live with the truth.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Hello All,
Well after the shock of hearing what I did, I felt sad that it had come to this.
I spoke to my sponsor and helped me out, and asked the same thing all of you have.
I this how you want to be treated?
Can you go back to this?
Well no who wants this?
Bur what pains me is being put in this position by someone I trusted whole-heartedly and have loved for so long.
That is what hurts.
Work is ok, boring at times, but ok.
I went to listen to a band on Saturday night last week. I met a girl who kept coming over to talk to me through out the night.
We have talked a couple times since, almost an hour at a time on the phone. She seems real nice.
I dare not share any of this past life with her right now.
I afraid to, I like her and I really do not want her to run off right now without getting to know me 1st.
I don’t know.
Well after the shock of hearing what I did, I felt sad that it had come to this.
I spoke to my sponsor and helped me out, and asked the same thing all of you have.
I this how you want to be treated?
Can you go back to this?
Well no who wants this?
Bur what pains me is being put in this position by someone I trusted whole-heartedly and have loved for so long.
That is what hurts.
Work is ok, boring at times, but ok.
I went to listen to a band on Saturday night last week. I met a girl who kept coming over to talk to me through out the night.
We have talked a couple times since, almost an hour at a time on the phone. She seems real nice.
I dare not share any of this past life with her right now.
I afraid to, I like her and I really do not want her to run off right now without getting to know me 1st.
I don’t know.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
But what pains me is being put in this position by someone I trusted whole-heartedly and have loved for so long.
What exactly are you having difficulty with here? Is it that she has let you down? Or is that you feel YOU have let you down? Do you feel like you've been conned? Do you feel like your judgement let you down? Do you feel like you have been used?
I have been through all of these emotions in recent months. In fact, I had a 2 hour counselling session on the phone to talk through this specific issue. Let me share what I learnt. I have no idea if any of it will apply to you, however it may help.
I learnt that my ex is only capable of loving someone to the degree that he loves himself. Which is virtually nil.
My ex confuses love with need.
He doesn't even realise this, so can't do anything about it.
He never really gave me any reason to trust him, however I did so in my naiveity.
In many ways, I was merely there to fulfill his unhealthy emotional needs, however I could never do enough. That void was a bottomless pit that can only be filled by him.
He became who I wanted him to be. He is a chameleon and very clever at sussing out what other people want from him. I don't think I ever saw the real him.
None of what happened was personal. I could have been anyone. In fact, what happened with us was part of a larger pattern, as I'm sure his ex wives would confirm.
His internal pain is so great that living a life of chaos is preferable to facing up to that pain. That is something that I can't even come close to understanding.
This was never about love, it was about need on both sides. It is hard to look back over the years and work out what was real and what wasn't. It is tempting to dismiss the whole of our relationship as fake, but I'm not comfortable with just wiping out 3 1/2 years of my life. I still have a lot of work to do in order to "file" the memories in the correct slot.
Ooops, this has become all about me. Maybe this has given you some food for thought.
You have been stuck in this place for many months now. Is this where you want to be for the rest of your life?
(((hugs)))
Minnie
xxx
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Have you checked out this thread?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...5&page=1&pp=20
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...5&page=1&pp=20
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