herewegoagain

Please forgive my ignorance...I'm still new to this and still stumbling around, trying to find some answers. I don't intend this to sound confrontational or argumentative in any way - I'm genuinely wondering this.

I've been reading lots of posts since joining last week, and I still feel odd and unsure. As I've said in my previous posts, I believe my husband is a binge drinker, and like all of you - I worry about him, try to get him to control his drinking, get mad, yadda, yadda, yadda. He seems to be "higher functioning" than most of the a's I've read about on here. I don't mean that he's "better", but that for now, he's not as disabled by his drinking as a lot of others are. Will it get worse ? I don't know....I have no way of knowing. Could it get worse ? Definitely....I think that potential is always there. I guess where my confusion lies is here - I kind of feel as though I'm somehow "bad" or "wrong", or committing some sort of "betrayal" for loving him and wanting to be with him. I feel like I'm "supposed" to be deciding whether or not to leave him, and at this point, that's not what I want. I feel like for the most part our marriage is pretty healthy....yes, there is definitely room for improvement, as there is in nearly all marriages, but all in all, it's really not so bad. I still think Al-Anon isn't a bad idea for me...and I know I still need to work on me and how I react to him. But is it really so bad to still be in love with this man ? He's not abusive, etc., like I've said before...I just worry about his drinking...worry it could get worse, worry he'll get in an accident coming home from the bar.

Also, I'm a little concerned about telling him about going to Al-Anon, when I decide to finally work up the courage to go. In my head, I know that it's his choice to react however he reacts, and that I'm not responsible for that. But my heart isn't listening to my head, and I'm a little afraid he'll be angry and/or have hurt feelings. Dumb, I know - I need to focus on what I need...but how do I get past feeling that way ?

Thanks,
Heather

minnie

Oh, Heather, I know that sometimes I seem to advocate leaving someone, but actually all I am looking to do is to make people aware that they have a choice. Many people choose to stay with their drinking partners and I think that is a wonderful thing, providing it is an active choice to do so. Al-anon helped me realise that I could choose how to live my life, rather than get blown about by other peoples' drama.

If your husband is angry or hurt that you want to get healthier and develop yourself as a person, then that is a pretty sad reflection on him. It is more likely that he'll react that way because it is bringing his drinking out into the open. Alcoholics love secrecy - it enables them to carry on the denial. Would you be angry if he went to AA?

Try a meeting - in fact, try 6 before you decide. It'll be worth it.

Love

Minnie
xxxx

herewegoagain

Would you be angry if he went to AA?

GOD no ! I really wish he would ! In fact, I've tried to get him to go...but he said he "doesn't need it" and "can do it on his own". Sound familiar ?

I do know I have a choice, although I have to remind myself of that fact sometimes. I hope you didn't think this post was directed at you...it wasn't...it was just a general sense I was getting from the posts I've read.

Cynay

OH hon... Good heavens no its not wrong/bad to love an A. I still do and if he had not pushed me away I would be with him right now, trying to save what I thought we had.

I think to want to save that relationship is wonderful, but if your the only one doing the saving... well that is not so healthy for you. Try Al-anon and see how it goes, if you want to stay in the marriage then it just gives you the tools you will need to stay sane

walkingtheline

Does he not know he may be drinking too much?
Would he be angry that you want to be more comfortable in your own skin?
Would he resent you gaining knowledge?
Would you be resentful or hurt if he elected to attend a meeting about learning to live with a wife you love even though she doesn't share or enjoy your habits?

And if the answer to any of these is "yes"...doesn't that speak volumes?

IMHO honesty is always the best policy.

Please do not feel you're Many many women cherish their A's and still lead happy and joy-filled lives. There is no one-size-fits-all answer. All marriages are different, what one might view as wonderful and "right" might be seen by another as horrid and "wrong".

We all walk our own paths and the choices we've made or are contemplating are very individual ones. It's important that you do what is right for you...and ONLY you.

splendra

((((HEREWEGOAGAIN))))

I THINK YOU MIGHT FIND THAT MANY PEOPLE IN ALANON AND NARANON CHOOSE TO STAY IN THE RELATIONSHIP THAT DRIVES THEM INTO THE ROOMS.

You definatly do not have to leave your s/o. Really what we do in group is learn how to look at the roles we play and the thoughts we have that contribute to our loosing control of our lives.

gelfling

Hi Heather,

For years I found "excuses" in my mind that said... he didn't have a problem...he only drank on the weekends (in the beginning)...he functioned and made good money...was a good dad...sex was good... and on and on and on. We have a tendency to make up reasons for our own sakes. For me personally, I was in denial and thought if I could justify his reasoning it made it less of a problem...but no, I was hiding from reality.

I went to one alanon meeting prior to his rehab and went all to pieces. I remember to this day the focus was on the spouses attitude. My response was "It sucks". I remember this over 20 years later. He never knew I did one meeting. But knows that I now go every week when possible.

Name of the game dear heart...it only gets worse. The fear, worry and concern whether you'll make him angry and he'll drink in retaliation.

He doesn't need to know you're going to meetings. This is for you. You'll discover the ins and outs of the disease and can pick up the free literature they have. In your mind, it may seem that you really don't need this stuff now, but you do. Especially if you're here at this forum and questioning his drinking. As Minnie said, try 6.

Blessings

equus

I think my marriage is healthy too. In fact we talk more than most couples, share more affection, laugh together more, do stuff together, and LIKE each other. No-one over the net can really get a picture of what our relationships are like - unless of course there's extreme stuff like violence or abuse. It has to be our decision and if someone out there thinks it wrong, so what?

Personally I think it's damn healthy to be with a partner you love in a relationship that feels healthy and fulfilling and very unhealthy to feel that's somehow wrong. When YOU are unhappy with the partner you have then maybe different questions are asked, but while you are happy the focus should be on enjoying that and staying healthy so that it lasts.

You're not alone, I love the flippin' socks off my hubby. I've said that since the day I arrived at SR and have recieved some great support here.

wraybear

Heather, the boards are full of people right now with spouses who seem to be at the progressive end of their alcoholism. From everything I have read and seen, it does get worse if untreated.

My AH is 47 and has been drinking since he was about 18. He has always known and always admitted to being an alcoholic. Thank God that he wasn't in total denial about that, so I think his desire for treatment came a little easier than for some, even though it took him 20 years to seek help. Over the years, he has gone from drinking only on weekends, to drinking in the evenings, and eventually drank morning, noon and night. About 9 years ago he went to his first rehab center. Since then he is a binge drinker. He won't drink for 4-6 months at a time and then go on a 2 week binger. It got so bad I kicked him out about 7 months ago... he has been hospitalized 6 times in 7 months because of his drinking.

My point is, we all have different stories. And, no matter what our story, it is perfectly fine and natural for us to still love our husbands (or wives) and want to keep our marriage together.
So, don't feel bad that you have this desire. I think you will find more of us
feel this same way than not. However, God made some of us with the hearts and minds to live with this disease and he made some of us with the hearts and minds to not live with this disease. Neither way is right or wrong. Sounds like you already know what you want to do. So, the next step is learning how to live with it in the healthiest way possible for you. Which may entail Alanon or a counselor or a support group at a church - many of the bigger churches have support groups now and they are very supportive of keeping marriages together unless there is abuse. So, support is out there.

I understand your desire to not want to hurt his feelings. I hope he will understand that this is for you. Maybe you can tell him you suffer with worry and you don't want to go on living with this nagging worry in your heart so you are seeking help for yourself.

I will pray that your talk with him goes well and that you keep seeking help for your situation so you can live a happy healthy life!

cloudy

Well, there you go that's the answer for right now :- )
nope :- )
don't know, but if you want to go then go :- )

Cloudy

herewegoagain

Thank you so much, everyone, for all your support. It's so nice to be able to talk with people who understand my feelings, even if they haven't been in the exact same situation as me.

I know I need to go to Al-Anon, believe me, I'm not denying that at all. Both of my parents are alcoholics. That by itself makes me need it. The way I react to my husband about many things (including his drinking), makes me need it. For some reason I'm still afraid to go....yet. I think maybe because going will mean admitting...I mean really admitting that the man I believe to be the love of my life is an addict/alcoholic/binge drinker...whatever color you want to paint this. That's a REALLY tough pill for me to swallow, even though I've "known" it the entire time...I was arrogant enough to think that the time I spent in Alateen as a teenager, and the years I spent in individual therapy, prepared me enough to know what to "watch out" for. The warning signs were there from day 1...I chose to ignore them...and that's something else I'm just starting to deal with - that I chose to marry this man, despite his drinking habits.

I am a little afraid I'm trying to "justify" or "deny" how bad things are...I do want to have clear vision and see things exactly the way they are. Despite other areas of our life being pretty good - I do believe he's an addict, and I've told him that several times. I'm a pretty outspoken person most of the time, unless my fear gets the better of me, lol.

equus

Here's the DSM IV diagnostic criteria for alcohol dependence if that helps:

Alcohol dependence

Whether you feel he fills this criteria or not - surely it doesn't mean you can't get help?

I went to counselling rather than Al - Anon largely because I'm an aitheist version of a god botherer for athiesm!! Not something I think would marry well with a spiritual programme but I know Al-Anon has helped many others here.

In some ways I had it slightly easier because D was diagnosed by a doctor a long time ago, so that was never an issue for me. However him no where near filling the stereotype has sometimes been an issue. I'm not ashamed that he's had a major problem with alcohol, I'm not ashamed he ended up diagnosed dependent on it. Actually I'm proud of how much he's achieved despite that. Discussing my own feelings with a counsellor helped me so much. I needed that extra little bit of care for me because when all is said and done it isn't easy to live knowing a loved one has something this serious.

Whatever you decide to do - it's always worthwhile to get whatever help you need to be in a strong position to deal with whatever life throws up.

herewegoagain

Thank you for that link !

This is what I see in him:

Diagnostic Criteria

1. [*]

#3 was true before I came along...he drank MUCH more heavily then....went through this "partying" phase in his early 20's. In the nearly 4 years we've been together he's nursed a handful of hangovers...NOT that I'm excusing it, because I'm not in any way. But from the stories I've been told compared to how he is now, he seems to drink less...and I've been told by many people how "different" he is (in a good way, supposedly) since being with me. If that's the case, that's by his choice - not because I "made" him do it. So if he's capable of doing that, then I believe he's capable of stopping all together, but just isn't ready to.

FriendofBill

Sounds like you are detached from your own feelings.

Is it wrong to feel in love withyour own husband? What do you think?

Feelings are not right, they are not wrong, they just are. Why do you need approval of the way you feel?

Feelings are not facts. If youre human, you got them,,,feel them. Thats what theyre there for.

herewegoagain

You know FOB...you have a damn fine point. I've been reading your responses to other posts, and I really like your direct, tell-it-like-it-is style.

What do I think ? I think I'm afraid of being played for a fool. I'm afraid I'm blind to the way things are, and keep doubting my own judgement. I'm afraid that down the road, 20 years from now, his drinking will escalate and I'll be faced with the decision of whether to leave or stay. I'm afraid of loving and trusting him, and of getting hurt. I'm afraid that my son (and any future children) will resent my husband for spending so much time at lodge, and resent me for not "doing something" about it.

In short, I love this man with all my heart - and that scares the sh*t out of me. I guess that's why I need approval...as twisted as it is. Without realizing it, I was looking for someone to say to me "despite his faults, he's an ok person for you to love."

equus

When it came to committment I asked myself some hard questions. 1. Would I marry him if he had early onset alzheimers? Would I marry him if he had a brain tumour? Would I marry him knowing we would only have a few years together?

For me the answer to all three question was yes, I haven't got children and I'm not planning on having them so it was simply about whether I would want him whatever the future held. It wasn't a wavering yes, it was the same strength of yes as if I'd imagined the worlds rosiest future. It was an absolute yes.

Once I'd faced myself with that - that he'd been alcohol dependent, that he still drank wasn't as scary. He has improved so much over the last 6-7 years and unlike all the above there is a great deal of hope, but whatever the future holds I have now and that is certain. Now is good, now my heart does flip flops because I wake up next to him, now he's my best friend, now is also a time we might never have had if he hadn't really begun to fight alcoholism himself many years ago.

herewegoagain

I asked myself those questions as well, equus. It's good to look at alcoholism like any other disease - a fact I tend to forget. I would marry him again under any other circumstance. He's a good man. He's kind, has a wonderful sense of humor, treats me and our son wonderfully, etc. I think alcohol addiction is simply a frightening and painful subject for me because of my childhood - and I realize that speaks much more about me than it does him. The situation I'm in (my marriage) seems like it could be even a tiny bit remotely familiar, so I'm super-sensitive to that and poised to hyper-react. Not that his drinking habits are ok, but I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm realizing more and more I really do need the benefit of something....whether it be Al-Anon or going back to my therapist. For the time being I'm choosing the option of Al-Anon, and am looking into meetings.