Rose56

Hi Friends,
I just returned from a vacation with my hubby, kids, and father in law. On the last day of the trip an incident happened with my daughter that stirred up feelings that I have experenced before. She was playing bingo by the pool and won two games in a row. After the first game she collected her $15 winnings and brought it to me to hold for her. I placed the money in my beach bag. After the second game she won again and the pool attendent told her he didn't have the change, to give him back a $5 and he would give her a $20. She comes dancing over to me and I give her the $15 she origionally gave me from the bag. Now I need to mention here that she was having a drink at the pool as well and was acting very boisterious etc. So instead of just giving her the $5 I gave her the two bills. She gave the pool attendent the two bills(I think) and returned the $20 to me. After the bingo she comes over to me for her money and there is only $20 instead of $30. Well she makes a big scene, saying "where's my money" and refusing to accept any responsibility for the situation. After this incident I felt terrible. I felt guilty for not ensuring that she got the money she was due. But I also felt angry that I have to be so responsibile for everyone else. I felt it was her fault for not paying attention and for drinking.

So here is my point: I felt an overwelming sense of unease, felt almost sick to my stomach. I felt like I wasn't ok, like I was floating along and someone would catch me and find that I was deficent. It is hard to describe the feelings of anxiety and unease I felt - hard to describe how strong they were. I got through the day by trying to keep busy, and by telling myself that it was just a feeling and it would pass. But I would like to understand why this happens to me and what I can do to avoid it in the future.

I think it stems from feelings of intense anxiety when I was a child and my Mother was so unpredictable, with harsh mood swings, due to mental illness. The feeling is so intense that it must come from here. So what do I do about it? Intellectually I understand that I am not responsible for others -- but somewhere on an emotional level, I feel I still am. How can I ever make progress if I still carry around an underlying feeling that if I cannot make those I care about happy that I am the worse kind of failure? The heart of codependency.

I appreciate any thoughts or insights. thanks

Helene75

You are not alone. Its ok to feel this way. When my ABF drinks in public with me around, I always get sick like that. Especially on the fourth of July when there is a big parade in his hometown. The whole town drinks and as the day goes on I feel like I am developing an ulcer. So, what to do? Well, as hard as it is you must let go of it. No matter how many times I just want to stop my Bf I cant. It is his problem not mine. I understand it is heartbreaking and fustrating but, the more you ignore it, the better it is for you (and your stomache)

I also wanted to add that I too grew up with a bi-polar mother and yes, sometimes I feel like I did when I was younger all over again. I started therapy 5 years ago and it worked wonders.

Cynay

I know that feeling as well.... all too well

I was an abused child by an A mother.... when I found out I was going to have a daughter of my own I went to theraphy, because I knew I did not feel the way normal people did ... I was disfuncional... call it co-dependant .... there are alot of words for it... When I would come to a point that I had to punish my 2 year old, I would break down when I heard her cry.... causing me not to be consistant because I could not stand to hear my interchild crying through my daughter voice. Here is what help and is helping me.

1. I got theraphy, lots of it (I was pretty unhealthy) and I worked very hard to find the core of the issues... and work through them

2. Then I worked just as hard to find God, to be in a place that no matter what I knew I was going to be ok, that I could give it up to him.... he granted me a mesure of peace and a whole lot more work to do on myself and gives me lessons all the time still.

3. Currently Im going to Al-Anon to learn to change my behavior.... I must have forgotten some things since theraphy... I need to relearn them and they keep that focus in my life.

I really hope that helps, I do really understand.

smoke gets in my eyes

Just keep practicing Rose! You're trying to break a lifetime habit. Making your goofy daughter hold her own damned money was a breakout act for you, right? Of course it feels weird to see her suffer for her own irresponsibility. You have always tried to protect everyone around you from that.

I think one thing that sets us apart from non-codies is that we're far-thinkers. We follow an act and it's consequences in our mind a long way. Dino, for instance, was born a near-thinker. If he was thirsty, we stopped for a Coke and he'd swill it down, not thinking about the fact that there were no restrooms for the next 150 miles. I, of course, could not only imagine my potential discomfort, but the fight we were going to have, the detour into the brush, the hazard to my socks, the delay, the embarassment, the having to explain what happened AND the clear impression that the same thing was going to happen on the way home, the fight, and him leaving me and my subsequent suffering for the rest of my life. (Far-thinkers tend to be pessimists. )

Dino has learned to be a far-thinker. Farther anyway. And he actually learned in spite of me for the most part, because I was protecting him as much as I could for as long as I could from every little thing I could. But you can use your far-thinking to an advantage here. Follow the events through in your mind, starting with the pool and going on to every possible event you can think of where you are going to step back and let your daughter screw up. No, don't stop at the part where she's being pissy with you. We always get hung up there. Keep going. See her learning how not to screw up? Feel your relief?

Now you may be playing a tape in your mind where you resign from your stewardship and your daughter stubbornly goes from idiot act to idiot act and winds up deeply disturbed or in jail. It could happen. But play the protection tape out awhile longer. She still winds up in jail. You don't have to see it of course, because it's when she's out of your reach and you're resting with the angels. Or do you fantasize getting a pass to mosey back to earth and sweep up once in awhile? I'd bet not. Look around. God, it seems, is not an enabler. We pretty much suffer the consequences of our actions when there is no human interferance. So... give her the chance to learn and let yourself off the hook, whydon'tcha???

What you're feeling is emotion by habit. The habit started a long time ago and it takes concentration and discomfort to break any habit. But you can, and the trick for me has been to think far... no... farther.

HUGS!
Smoke

minnie

Smoke is right - I learned on here to play that "what ifs" ALL the way through. It has helped me to see that I can handle stuff whatever happens.

Change is uncomfortable. It doesn't always feel right. In fact, it doesn't often feel right, because it's not "right" according to the lessons we learned in childhood. There is some really good info on "inner Child" healing around. Maybe it's worth having a look? You already have a lot of insight into why you feel this way.

Hang in there, hon. It takes time to connect the head and the heart.

Love

Minnie
xxx

Rose56

Thanks for your thoughts. Smoke, I think you hit it right on the head. I need to be far thinking enough to let those around me be responsible for themselves. This incident is another wake up call that I still have work to do. Luckily I have a meeting to attend today. I have to keep trying to pull my attention away from others and focus it on myself.

Smoke you are so great! You are right on about the coming back to earth to sweep up! Hahaha, that's me all right. The good news is that my daughter is actually very capable of handeling her own life, without my interference she will do just fine. In fact, she asks for my inference less and less - but she still sometimes asks and I need to learn to step back and apply some of the coaching skills I am learning at work.

Yes, emotion by habit - that too is right on. But I can change this because I use to get into negitive thinking by habit and I was able to change that habit. Thanks for being here and for caring all.