Savana 54

I will be in serious financial trouble soon. My life is falling apart every which way that I turn. Abf moved back in on the 13th of May, he now wants to leave to go back to work in a different state. I should have known not to believe him, but I prayed to my HP for guidance and I thought this was the right thing to do.

I bought a new car a few weeks ago; he had his truck repossesed last summer, and this car is in my name but we agreed we both would have access to it, in turn we both would make equal payments on it and the insurance. He promised me he would be able to help out. Now he is leaving me with all of these problems. Not to mention the car that I bought broke down one day after I had it. I was on my way to pick him up at the train station three hours away, and a half hour before I got there it broke down. It's still in the town were it was towed; I bought it "as is," but the Dealer is working with me to have it fixed since the head needs to be replaced. It will probably cost close to 3,000.00 to have it replaced. So now I'm driving my trade in and paying a car payment and insurance on a car I only drove one day. Not to mention my Abf is planning on leaving me with all the bills, that he promised to help with. I'm supposed to start a part time waitressing job on Friday, now that the semester is over, but that job certainly won't pay all the bills.

I'm screwed financially as well as I'm hurting so bad and feeling very betrayed. My mind is so clouded that I can't even think strait. I've been screaming and yelling at him all day and last night; everything I've learned in Al-Anon has gone out the window. I feel like such a loser and I'm not liking myself much these last few days.

How do I get through this? It sometimes seems that since I started my recovery my life has gotten worse. Please I need your thoughts and prayers and some advice would be very helpful, since I'm at a lost for words. It was just a few days ago Abf was on the right track as far as finding a job in this area,talking about how he was planning on going back to AA, and how in general he was happy to be back home with me and our dog that he loves so much.Now all of a sudden he changes his mind, who acts this way?How do things with our relationship go from good to bad in a matter of hours without any signs of trouble ahead? How does he live with himself and his choices? How does he justify hurting me the way that he does?

Cynay

OMG *HUGS* to you Savana...

Boy do I know how much this one hurts... and Im soooo sorry you are going through all of it.

The only way to get through it is one day at a time.... Go to Al-Anon and learn from the mistake. I have to say that your post is helping me soooo much right now to keep things in perspective (see post today) cuz I just had the amazing talk with my ex-ABF and had thoughts along the line of where you were when you invited him back.

Some good advise was given to me. Dont change your life or your growth till you see them Walking the Walk and not for a short time either. I do know that you have more love and courage then I would ever hope too... I could not/would not even try with an A unless he was seeking help and in a program.

With the finances, That is a harder one. How about a roomate to help with the household bills giving you a little break. If you cant drive the car maybe just the basic insurance?

What I always struggle with is the "how can he" because he is an A hon.... he is in a fog, and will be for sometime even if he does get sober... Its not you, and its not personal. I struggle with that too, but its starting to make sense.

Rose56

((((((Savana))))))) My hugs and prayers are with you. Take a deep breath and repeat the serenity prayer. I know the situation seems very bad right now, but God is with you and situations can be reversed. I understand your disappointment that he was unable to follow through with his statements/intentions. This is the nature of the alcoholic - being unpredicatable. I agree that at the begining that recovery seems to be worse than being on the merry go round of alcoholism. But take heart, Alanon will work for you over time.

I hope someone else has an idea about the car. Does she have a recourse with the dealer? Can she contact someone to get action on that? Perhaps a local TV station expose'?

Try to center yourself on the alanon ideas and turn your focus from why he does what he does ( alcohol) and explore what you can do now. Take your time to get calm, then pray for guidance, then think about what steps you can take.

Hang in there, you can make it.

gelfling

Dear Heart...that's one of the problems we have with our alcoholics...we listen to our hearts instead of going with logic and reason. Seems this is what happened with you.

Until they work a program, the alcoholic is basically unreliable. Wouldn't trust them as far as I could throw one.

Most car dealers give you a 30 day guarantee. Check out your paper work to see if it says that. If it does, he's got to fix the car for nothing. Never heard of a dealer selling a car as is unless he knew there was a problem. He should burn in hell for that. kidding!!!

As to insurance, get his name off the policy. If he has a bad driving record, your premium is going to be higher. Get him off and it should drop a good bit.

Huggers to you

nocellphone

Savana, I'm sorry to hear that you're hurting.

Even our wrong turns take us to where we're supposed to be... I never know what the lessons are that I'm supposed to be learning while I'm in the middle of the experience, but the lessons are always valuable down the road.

Go outside and pick up whatever's gone out the window. It's all still there; it's just been temporarily misplaced.

Remember that feelings aren't facts. My self-esteem tends to take a nose-dive in situations like that, especially when I feel I've betrayed my better instincts in some way.

Meetings, step work with a sponsor, reading Al-Anon literature---that's what works for me. It's common for people early in recovery to feel some discomfort. It's like growing pains. When we put aside the old behaviors and get honest, all our feelings come up. Not all of them are pleasant, but all of them are necessary. Like they say in AA, the good news is you get to feel your feelings again. The bad news is, you get to feel your feelings again.

Alcoholics who aren't ready to change. How much "planning" is involved in "going back to AA"? Isn't it just, like, go to a meeting? He's not booking an Alaskan cruise or a frickin' safari... :jeez

By continuing to live in whatever form of denial suits him that particular day. Until he's ready to get honest with himself, this is the life he will live. Nothing changes if nothing changes...

I'm glad you continue to reach out, Savana. It shows that you still have hope, which is the first gift Al-Anon gave me. Don't quit before the miracle---your miracle, not his!

minnie

Oh, hon. I am sorry to hear what has happened.

Maybe there's a lesson here that needed to be learned. Only time will tell.

You b/f seems to do a lot of talking and planning, without a whole lot of action. From now on, it might be wise to plan YOUR life, along with action of course. You need to be practical here and see what the options are - check your paperwork for the car, separate yourself from your b/f financially, get a room-mate, demand he sees through his part of the agreement, whatever it takes.

It really doesn't matter what he does or why he does it. What you do and why is WAY more important.

Hang in there

Love

Minnie
xxx

Savana 54

Thanks so much (((everyone))) Your responses made me cry, I mean really break down and cry..Of course when I was bawling Abf comes in the room and says "but I didn't say for sure if I was leaving." UGHHHHHHHHH!!!! I know I'm supposed to take it one day at a time; but him still here just really hurts, knowing he wants to leave.

You know the last week has been good; we took a drive up to a beautiful lake in The Rockies, he went fishing, and my Golden got to swim in the lake for the very first time. I took pics and we just had a great time. We have had many heart to heart talks and so many laughs; and I realize he is an A, but to me he is still a person, I guess I just don't understand this crazy disease.

Now he is saying that I deserve better and crying to me, saying he will always be a "loser" and that he is only good at running away from the people he loves the most. This is ripping my heart out

As far as the car goes, I talked to my old boss who is an Attorney, and I don't really have a leg to stand on legally. He just said to be grateful the Dealer is trying to fix it.

Cynay

God hon.... I SO feel for you I get tears in my eyes at your post.

*HUGS*

Rose56

Savana, good morning. I have been thinking about you and praying you will find a little peace today. Keep at it, go to a meeting if you can.

JessicaNAJ

First thing that came to mind was.....don't focus on what is going wrong, but what you can do to fix it.

You cannot go back and change anything that has happened. Live and learn. You are a bright young woman and I know YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS!!!

Just remember, your HP will never give you more than you can handle. All these little trials and errors are your HP's way of making you a stronger person.

cwohio

((savanah)) - just a few hugs for you!!

Savana 54

Thanks everyone for the thoughts and replies..

I layed down on the floor last night in a fetal position and just cried and cried. I feel as though I'm going into a deep depression and don't seem to care much about life in general. I was going to get up early and go to a meeting, but turned my alarm off and went back to bed. All I want to do is sleep and forget the world around me.

He is still here, now sleeping in the other room. I yelled at him last night, asking why he is throwing this all away. See everything I've learned I'm not using at all. What the heck is wrong with me?

I don't know if I should allow him to stay here, I've basically said to get out now! Since seeing his face is only more difficult for me right now. I'm probably wrong by kicking him out with no where else to go. I think he wants to see me give him the satisfaction of being the "bitch" again; and well I'm doing just that. How should I handle this? Should I be more understanding, because as of right now I'm being very cruel and mean to him for making the decision to throw this all away again.

He even got a call back for a second interview today, its for a pretty good position and he is making excuses as to why he doesn't want the job. He basically just wants to run away from me and everything. I don't think its about the good paying job he has awaiting him in a different state, since this new job pays a few dollars less and he doesn't even want to go back to a second interview. BUT last week he sure needed new clothes to interview in, well there goes more of my savings down the drain.....

minnie

I have to ask why on earth you keep giving him money? Whichever job he takes, I hope you can get an agreement (written) about paying you back.

Sleeping is OK. If your body (and mind) need to sleep, then go for it. Please don't do it forever, though! You need to deal in the here and now and make sure that you have a plan. Don't rely on him - he seems to change his mind every 5 minutes.

Understanding? I'd say use some of that understanding on YOU. Let him do what he wants, because he's going to anyway by the sounds of things.

What's your plan from here, hon?

Love

Minnie
xxx

Savana 54

Long story with the money thing. About 4 months ago I put some of his paycheck into my account, since he overdrew his checking account, after going out on a gambling binge. He isn't able to open up any type of bank account now, so some of the money is his. We just kind of put it in one pot, so I figured some of the money is his. But there is really know way of splitting it up or determining what exactly is his and what money is mine.

I don't know what my plan is. I feel so lost and confused. I can't make decisions and plans when so much is changing, I HAD a plan a few days ago, that was to take what I could get as far as a job was concerned, unfortunatley its only a part time job. But I don't want to stay in this state. Before he moved back I had started to think about moving back to the state I'm from. Now that he's been back I've spent money on things I wouldn't normally ie-a lot of groceries at Costco, buying a different car..other misc. things.

JessicaNAJ

Short story here...... My mom was married 11 years. Had five kids. She didn't work. He decided one day he was leaving. She was devastated. She had to find a way to provide for 5 kids, a house, and any bills there were - AND SHE DIDN"T WORK. Not to mention her husband was leaving her for another woman. She overdosed on Valum. Yep, all she wanted to do was go to sleep and not wake up. Lucky for her my 12 year old sister broke the bathroom door down and got the pills away from her before she could take more.

Guess, what happened next? She got on her feet. She got a job - worked 2 for a while there - my sister cooked our supper, did our laundry and put us to bed. But MOM held it together and is doing quite well today.

She thought she could make life go away, but you have to face it to get through it. and Savana - YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS!!!!

nocellphone

Umm... you're HUMAN...?

Write it down.. Put it on a Post-It. Put it in your pocket. Pull it out when the self-doubt creeps in...

Savana 54

I will try to move forward...I just don't know if I will suceed. I posted a new post "He's gone." I feel empowered right now, now that he is gone. But it seems a few weeks later I start to get lonely and miss him or the chaos....???