JessicaNAJ

AH asked me Friday if I was seeing someone from work. As most of you know, we have been seperated since April or May of last year (each of us needed to work on ourselves) and he has not drank since March 7th of this year.

I was floored when he asked me that question (which he's asked about 3 or 4 other times since we've been seperated) - like any one would want me anyway. He said, "Well, it's been a year and four months since we've "been" together." So I guess he just finds it hard to believe that I don't need to "be" with him (or any man for that matter) in that way. Whatever.... It's not like I ever enjoyed it anyway.

I think I may be reading too much into why he asked. At first I thought maybe he was just feeling insecure and needed some reassurance that I was still "his wife" <- that's what he said. Now I'm thinking that maybe he's wanting to go out and find someone to "be" with.

What do you think? Could there be some kind of control, manipulating on his part that I'm not seeing? Could he be sincere and genuinely worried? Or, could he be looking for a way to get what he wants from someone else and hoping he can blame me....."well, you did it....so can I".

OR should I just say.......it's not worth worrying about?

I'm just curious what you think.

pmaslan

Possible he is really sincere and genuinely worried. Now that he has some sober time under his belt he may be starting to think about you and your marriage. Since I don't know him it's hard for me to guess but that sounds possible......
Love, Patty

minnie

Hmm. Probably nothing to worry about. I don't know him, so I can't possibly know what he's thinking. Maybe he's just checking how the land lies.

cwohio

i wouldn't try to read into it. you just open yourself up for mind churn which i know does me NO good at all.

ASpouse

I think we need to hear from a man who posts to this board, maybe a Recovering Alcoholic would be nice.

GettingBy

That is a tough one. I think it's a culmination of things. His insecurities over feeling like he's losing you and that he failed at the marrige, or wanting to calm his fears of thinking you've "been" with someone else... maybe he's also looking for an excuse to move on himself. I think any speculation on your part will just add to the confusion. If it bothers you, you need to say something to him. Ask him, "What are you looking for when you ask me if I'm seeing anyone? Do you want me back? Are you looking for an excuse to move on?" I think being honest with him cuts out alot of the "games" that As play. You may not get an honest answer back though (one of the BIG pitfalls of the disease) so be prepared for that as well.

Just keep focusing on you.

CodeMaster

It could really mean anything, but it wont mean anything to the point where you need to worry or think about it in my opinion. I think you should just focus on you and let destiny guide your future.

Love always....

JessicaNAJ

Thank you all for your responses. Every little bit helps....that's what I always say.

I told him that my life was an open book. There is nothing he don't know. I also told him that I was ready to call an attorney before he stopped drinking. But then he quit, got a second job, has been on time (for the most part) every morning to get the kids. I told him that I heard it takes someone a year in "recovery" to get themselves together before they can focus on anything other than their recovery. So I decided I would sit back and wait. Wait to see what he was capable of.

I also told him that if someone did ask me out, I would tell him. I have nothing to hide from him.

I won't fester on this anymore. Chris, you were right, mind churning never did me any good either.

Minnie and PM - It is hard to understand what a person is thinking when you don't know them I appreciate your support. Only time will tell, I guess.

Gettingby - You gave me some good questions to ask. If my mind does keep churning, I will ask them. Thank you.

ASpouse and Codemaster....as always

I know I need to keep the focus on me. Its so easy to forget that when I don't have a clue what is going through his mind. It makes me wonder and then I get defensive and those old habits start coming back. The only way I can get him to say what is on his mind and the "50 Question" game. I don't want to do that.

btw - he quit his second job. The hours were too hard for him. I'm just waiting. For what, I don't know.

cloudy

good thoughts your way, just wanted to say :- )

dollydo

I've said to my ABF, "It's not that you want me, you just don't want anyone else to have me".

May apply here.

Have a great day,
Dolly

GettingBy

(((Jessica)))),

Sounds like you're really working through this... so good to hear. One of things I have to CONTINUALLY remind myself is that when I try and guess what's going on in B's head... I'm generally doing just that GUESSING. And with guessing comes alot of ASSUMING... and we all know that to assume... makes an A$$ out of U and ME! Doh!

It is hard though, because when I just ask him (instead of assuming) he sometimes comes back with, "You know me. Why would you ask that?" "Well B, I guess I don't know you and that's WHY I asked!" When I assume what I think he may/may not do or think, I tend to be the one who ends up hurt. I guess it comes back to MY expectations of what I would WANT him to do/say/think. They tend to be (very) different than what he really does.

You're doing great! Big hugs to you!
Shannon