Well, "I should have known" doesn't really cover it

Old 05-24-2005, 08:18 AM
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Well, "I should have known" doesn't really cover it

Man..I was stupid..I believed him. He looked different..he always sounded different..and I fell for it hook line and sinker. When when when am I going to learn that once a drunk always a drunk...once a liar always a liar. How many times am I going to allow my heart to be broken? I find myself sitting here at my computer..my head in my hands, thinking oh God..he's done it again...and worse, been drinking for some time now. I didn't know. I never suspected. Then I got a phone call last night from my youngest son...the one that I have been worried about..hah...no worries there. He tells me that SonnyBoy got mad at a co-worker and walked off his job....got drunk on Rum and proceeded to get so steaming mad at the world...he hit my daughter in law in the face. I am so ashamed of him I can't stand it. I have never allowed hitting...and certainly not hitting a woman..it doesn't take much of a man to hit a lady...EEERRRRRRR.(please no bashing..its the way i feel).

I have to stop now...I cannot continue to let myself fall down this rabbit hole...not again..not now...oh lord..my stomach hurts.
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Old 05-24-2005, 08:21 AM
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((((loving mom))))

What can I say that you don't know already?

Thinking of you.

Love

Minnie
xxx
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Old 05-24-2005, 08:28 AM
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*HUGS* Just let it out

The good thing about life is every single day is fresh and new. We will just start over again, new today and wiser
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Old 05-24-2005, 12:20 PM
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(((lovingmom))) cast it out to your hp and let him touch you with healing. hugs to you for how you must be feeling
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Old 05-24-2005, 01:09 PM
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Mom...repeat after me...
"What my son does is no reflection on me or my mothering."
Feeling shame about the actions of another indicates we think we are somehow responsible for their actions.
We're not.
We're only responsible for our actions.
Sonnyboy will get it, when Sonnyboy gets it.
Meanwhile, you take care of you.
Sending a hug your way.
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Old 05-24-2005, 02:08 PM
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Lots of times, this is the only way we learn. From experience. But for that, you a much wiser woman. Take heart in that.
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Old 05-24-2005, 02:20 PM
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Originally Posted by LovingMom
Man..I was stupid..
You're not stupid. None of us are. We just put our trust in the wrong place sometimes...

Please put down the 2x4. You don't need to beat yourself up about this or anything else.
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Old 05-24-2005, 02:39 PM
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I will say a pray for you and your son. Keep doing what you are doing he will finally get it. I know my girlfriend has a browm belt in ALANON. I made the promise's and told the lies to her. I was driving her looney Bird with all my BS. She kept pluging along such as your self and I finally came back to recovery 2 days ago. Support from a addicts side of things...

HMAN
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Old 05-24-2005, 02:55 PM
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You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

(((LovingMom)))

Hate the sin, love the sinner...you know the drill. Stand your ground. Support your D-I-L, maybe get her to al-anon and help her find some dv info in her area. Urge her to get a restraining order and to let it stand until he's clean and sober and has his anger in check for a good long while before she even considers dropping or amending it. Get every member of the family on the same page...no enabling. Love Sonny Boy but allow him to be responsible for all his own actions and all the consequences they bring.

This could be your HP opening a doorway...letting the sun shine upon Sonny and holding Sonny Boy in the spotlight so he can realize the impact of his actions. This could be his hit-bottom-wake-up-call.

(((Loving Mom)))
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Old 05-25-2005, 07:40 AM
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LovingMom-<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>

<o:p></o:p>

From one "Loving Mother" to another. I validate your feelings and your emotions. What your son does or does not do is not a reflection of your parenting skills, your level of love or what anyone in the public might think is a lack thereof.<o:p></o:p>

<o:p></o:p>

He is a grown man, yet your son. You taught him the skills he needed to make the "right" choices, he has to make "his" own choices and live with the consequences.<o:p></o:p>

<o:p></o:p>

Tough love, mother love, it's a hard thing to live with. When he is right, stand with him, when he is wrong...let him stand alone on his own two feet.<o:p></o:p>

<o:p> </o:p>

I have one teen on her way to flying out of the nest, two not far behind. One day soon, I might need your support- *smile*.<o:p></o:p>

<o:p></o:p>

You're in my thoughts and prayers. (((((((((( hugs )))))))))<o:p></o:p>

<o:p></o:p>

Kat-<o:p></o:p>

<o:p></o:p>
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Old 05-25-2005, 05:37 PM
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All of you are amazing! You are so supportive and seem to know just what we need to hear. I somewhat know what your going through. For years I thought I raised my son wrong, was a terrible mother for always being there for him, helping him out of trouble, going to get him in the middle of the night, worrying myself sick over him... visiting him in re-hab, 1/2way houses, helping him go to college and whatever he needed to be happy without his Bud & drugs. But it was just this Jan (it's a terribly long story but my son has nothing to do with his family and friends now and is living with a abusive destructive mother of 2 that caused the father of her children to take his life) that on this site I found the steps to letting go posted here by 1 day @ a time. I made 3 copies and read them every single morning. They have helped me get by on some horrible days that I miss my son so much my heartache fills my body and soul. Maybe this will help you. It was posted 11/04/2003 under daily meditations. I'm pretty new to this and mostly just read (this is maybe my second response) but I hope I have helped.Good luck to you.
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Old 05-25-2005, 06:15 PM
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Originally Posted by Gabe
Mom...repeat after me...
"What my son does is no reflection on me or my mothering."
Feeling shame about the actions of another indicates we think we are somehow responsible for their actions.
We're not.
We're only responsible for our actions.
Sonnyboy will get it, when Sonnyboy gets it.
Meanwhile, you take care of you.
Sending a hug your way.
Amen.

(((( Lovingmom! ))))
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Old 05-26-2005, 06:36 AM
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Thank you all for your responses. I know that I am a "good" mom...I was never great..but I did the best I could. But be that as it may...SonnyBoy decided to pick up that alcohol...I dang sure didn't offer it or make it available...nobody put anything in his babybottle but milk. I am of a different mind set than most. I don't believe that he was predisposed to this "illness"...I believe it is a downright choice. A choice that he made for himself..a weakness in his charater or a weakness in his internal makeup that my other sons have managed to sidestep quite nicely.

Maybe that is why I worry so much over SB...I realized something the other day...I don't even know my oldest son...not really. He lives with his dad...is very quiet and just does what he has to do...work, home, work, home...my youngest is about to go in to the eleventh grade and is an AB honor student, third year ROTC officer and all around good kid...but I am having to long distance parent. I was the stronger of the two parents in the household. I had promised them at different times in their childhoods that our family wasn't going to be a "split" family...and then daddy changed the plans...and they all went to him...one by one. Oh they come back of course...the odd weekend and holidays...but it is Sonny who calls on my birthday and Mother's Day...but also "just because"...I guess you could say that he is my heart child. The one that connects with me on a slightly different level. And that is why it is SSOOOO hard to let him go. But I am. I am starting to see the ...what's the word???? UNhealthyNess of him...and how with a word..a phone call...he can drag me and my world down the rabbit hole. BUT..only if I let him...Only if I allow him... And for myself, for my other two sons and my daughter in law....and my husband...and even for their daddy(my ex)....I will not....I cannot be caught in his whirlpool as he sinks to whatever depths he is going.
I had in my signature that I was finally able to take a breath..because I had made it...well, I suppose I was only getting ready for round two. Well bring it on SonnyBoy...this lovingmom is ready now. I have the wherewithall to stand strong...I finally have a backbone..and she is called Alanon...

Mom
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Old 05-26-2005, 10:08 AM
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and how with a word..a phone call...he can drag me and my world down the rabbit hole
I am clawing my way out of that rabbit hole right now. My sons' father, his friend and the cops were just here, to try to convince SB to take rehab as a good choice from where he's currently at. He's not biting, ("I'll check into it in a few weeks when I'm ready") so I had to force him to leave my house. He was endangering my younger kids and making my life a nightmare of constant "minesweeping" so my little ones wouldn't ingest his poisons.
I've grasped a hold of even the tiniest shreds to convince myself that my son can pull himself out of this, was pulling himself out of this, was willing to try. To the point that a "conversation" without slurred words was a "good sign".
I lowered the bar for both of us I guess.
I can't stop crying now. But I'm sure I will. It's just so darn hard.

Thanks for posting, thanks for listening.
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Old 05-26-2005, 10:38 AM
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I lowered the bar for both of us I guess.


Oh my dear...I so totally understand that. I realized that the standards of basic care I had instilled in my children were no longer even recognized. I could finally see for my own self...with my own eyes..though red and swollen they were...that my son..whom I had hung my hopes and dreams on...was an addict. He has stolen from me, he lies to me, he yelled and screamed the most horrific things at me...coming all the way just shy of physical attacks. And I allowed it..because in the days when he wasn't high..wasn't drunk...oh heavens...I loved those talks..the verbal back and forth that made Sonny - Sonny. But those times came fewer and fewer and so I turned a blind eye and I guess just accepted that when the ONE good time came around...I would be there. But like you, I had other children that I have to protect..both physically and emotionally. I (through sheer habit) learned to toss a room with increadible speed. Sort the trash to find the hidden evidence.. I can tell you all the ways a pipe can be made...where his favorite hiding places are..Cause you know...I just fell off the turnip truck...HE STILL PUTS IT BACK IN THE SAME PLACE!!! So now, I can't allow him to come to my home. Oh I guess I could allow him to...but I won't allow him to. He even stole one of my prize pups and sold him without papers for a bag of junk.

I have finally realized that it isn't HIM that has lowered his standards...It's me. I lowerd mine to accomidate a RELATIONSHIP with this person who does not love me..okay...maybe in his own way he does..but certainly doesnt respect me as a mother, a lady and most definatly not as an intelligent human being.

Sorry to ramble on...but today has been a day of insight.

My heart to yours dear. Write back..I promise not to hi-jack again.
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Old 05-26-2005, 11:17 AM
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I love a good hijack........

It's the best way to learn from other people
And gosh knows I can "poor-poor me" all by myself so I need a nice redirect.

One thing that kept me "hoping" is that my son is so freaking polite, even when he is under the influence of whatever it is he's chosen at the time. Other than one time, I've never seen him disrespectful or lose his temper. (and that was when I took his cell phone so he couldn't call for more drugs)

He ended up being Baker Acted that time because he left the house and slashed at one of his wrists.
~sigh~

This week he left a full xanax bar on the counter when he passed out. My 5 year old had the sense to bring it to us. My tiny 3 year old would not have done this. Bringing this to my son's attention was met with a kind of indifference I hadn't seen in him before.

It's hard enough watching one child kill himself. Having him take another of my children with him would be something I could never forgive him or myself for.

I love my son. But Love just doesn't seem to cut it with this. I just keep seeing that little boy and wish I could scoop him up and bandage his knees and set him to walking again. But I can't dammit.
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Old 05-27-2005, 11:38 AM
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Originally Posted by ribsy
I just keep seeing that little boy and wish I could scoop him up and bandage his knees and set him to walking again. But I can't dammit.
Reading this made my heart ache for you. I haven't gone through what you're going through...my son is only 19 months old. But I can definitely imagine myself feeling as you do. A mother's instinct to protect their child is definitely a tough one to contend with - even when going against that instinct is in their best interest.
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Old 05-27-2005, 06:31 PM
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I know that I am a "good" mom...I was never great..but I did the best I could.
I think most mom's would describe themselves in the exact same way. We're human, we're not perfect. We each do the best we can. Some days we do better than others.

The addict in my life is my now ex-boyfriend. I was hell-bent on rescuing him from his troubles, so I can imagine the drive to rescue and protect a child runs even deeper. It's instinctual for a mother to protect their young, so it's almost unnatural for a parent to turn away their hurting child. Living with my AB was very painful and watching him struggle and destroy himself was unbearable. I can't imagine how painful it would be to watch your child destroy themselves.

Sending prayers and hugs your way and to all the moms out there who struggle to do what's best for their addicted children.
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Old 05-27-2005, 08:22 PM
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((Lovingmom))

My son is 30 with 5 DUI's, some jail time and now on a monitor for another 6 months give or take. He has called me for money, he has called me collect only to scream at me while I accepted the charges and he has also charmed me. We have had long talks while he was in recovery and when he was not and he has blessed me with a grandchild whom he has nothing to do with but I adore and co-parent with his maternal grandmother.

He didn't call on Mother's Day for the first time ever and I haven't heard from him since. I haven't laid eyes on him since before he went to jail so that must be...oh he has been out 6 months and he was in 9 so do the math....and he is living within 10 miles. He called here drunk and let slip that he has used me as a reason to leave the house (monitor) and yet he has made no attempt to stop by.

Don't know why I said all that but I suppose it is because even I have limits. I may have reached them.

I wish you peace...just peace,
Hugs,
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