erino134

I recovering from a vicodin addiction.

I hate my husband today. Why? I have no idea. He's not perfect, but no one is and he never has been.

I hate him today because I feel horrible about myself, I hate getting clean, I hate that I am going through this, I hate that he is smug about it. (is he even?) I hate that he knows about my problem. I hate that he uses it against me. I hate him today because I can't hate anyone else. I can't do that to my kids - they are kids. I can't do it to my mother - she is elderly and I don't want her to feel bad. So I treat my husband badly because I don't know who else to be mad at.

I love him so much but yet I am so mad at him.

So - for all of you that are deal with people like me in your life. I'm so sorry. I am apologizing for your addict today. I'm so sorry - the way we treat you just makes us more miserable. You don't deserve it and it isn't your fault. And it cannot get any better until we stop using. It isn't possible to have a rational discussion with us until we stop using and heal.

I hope I am worth the wait. I feel miserable about how I treated him but I can't tell him. All I can do is not use. And I don't know why I can't tell him that I'm sorry for being a bitch. I just can't today.

So I am telling you - your addict is very sorry for treating you badly.

pmaslan

I think all any of us ever really wanted from our addicts is for them to stop using...thank you for your post, it made me feel a bit better about some of the things I have experienced with my A. Good luck in your quest for happiness....
Love, Patty

Blue2085

I'm here gurl,
clean? yep, 30 days tues. But I am struggling bigtime!
Start over with you? yes I will, I have a case of the "guilties"and have know idea why, been having these feelings for a few days now.WTF? Did I use in my sleep?
I've often wondered how you were doing.
Always here for ya!
Great post "poor Hubbies"

Cynay

Thank you!

Im no longer with my ex-ABF... his choice, but I have just started Al-non and after 6 months Im trying to put me all back together again. It helps alot to know ... just maybe he really is sorry.

EndOfRoadWife

Thanks I needed to hear that today....I'm feeling down because of the roller coaster ride..Prayers to you and your family..I hope everything works out for you!

gelfling

Thanks for your post. My hope and prayers are that your heart, mind and spirit are touched by your very post and that you can get the help you need.

erino134

Thank you for being kind. For some reason I thought I would get berated. I've apologized plenty of times, but I can't apologize for how bitchy I was this weekend. I've been thinking about it all day. All I can come up with is that I am embarrased and ashamed. I feel horrible that I've done this to us and even worse that I can't seem to handle things very well. I don't feel worthy at the moment and although I've calmed considerably since this morning, I am still pissed at him about it.

I'm pissed at him because I am embarrased about what I did. I believe that is a defensive emotion... But I can't tell him that either. I don't know why - I've shared everything with him during the last 13 years.

Anyway - I promise that your addict feels bad about the hurt they cause. And they feel even worse because they can't stop doing it. Maybe we look for a reason to treat you poorly - to give us an excuse.

It isn't right. It's all a big mess.

I am going to keep cleaning up my mess. Thank you.

cloudy

Thank you Erin, it does help. And you can post here any time. I think it's good for each "side" for lack of a better word to lend some insights to eachother.

Like the others, I also appreciate your post and am somewhat comforted by it. At my Alanon meeting Friday, a girl there talked about how she came from AA and has been sober for years. She goes to Alanon now as well. She gave us some insight just as you did, saying that the alcoholic doesn't like what they do, and they feel extremely miserable, guilty etc. and that it is just very sad and she's glad she's sober today.

It did help me out. I wish you well, appreciate your sharing your thoughts here in hopes of helping us out, and I'd be happy to read more from you whenever you feel like sharing again. I hope your husband goes or will go to Alanon.

thank you,
Cloudy

cwohio

thank you for your apology erin! i can't imagine what the feelings are that, as cloudy put it, the "other side" goes through. it took courage to share with us and i thank you!

gabigoo

Thank you so much for sharing your post with us. I wish you so much on your road to recovery. I found this to be so helpful because I can never understand the "other side". I often wonder how my AH can do these things to me, take out his anger or frustration on me when I know it is meant for someone else. Your post was so honest and yet showed so much pain and desparation. I hope you are able to find that peace you are looking for.

FriendofBill

Big thanks, Erino,,,I for one appreciate hearing an addict acknowledge thier responsibility for the pain. You have helped a lot of us by your post.

I hope you keep coming back to this board and post about you, your recovery and your husband/children. You may have a little codie in ya! LOL You never know, so keep coming back!

FriendofBill

Thats a typical, normal feeling. I do it too,,,always lash out at another when IVE screwed up. The best way you can begin to make ammends to your loved ones is to work you A$$ off staying clean and particpate in your recovery.

The rest will follow,,believe me,,,thats what we family mems want...a healthy YOU!

One day at a time, friend. You will make it,,just one day at a time!

FormerDoormat

Evening Erin:

I'm sorry you're in a bad place right now, but you just keep on working on yourself and I promise that things will get better. The road to sobriety is difficult and it will be a life-long struggle, but its a battle you must wage to survive. It's a shame that you vent your feelings of frustration and self-hate on your husband, but don't be too hard on yourself. It's all part of the disease. I'm not new to life with an alcoholic. I know how difficult it is to watch someone you love struggle with addiction and I know that addicts turn their inward self-hate outwards to those they love. While we know deep down in our hearts that the addict in our lives doesn't really hate us, it still hurts when someone you love lashes out at you.

You're on the right path now. You're working on yourself. You're learning how to cope without the numbing effects of alcohol, and you're finding new coping mechanisms. It's a long road to recovery and you can't change negative behaviors overnight. All you can do is to keep on trying, one day at a time, to get well. Remember, we strive for progress, not perfection.

You need to focus on getting yourself well and stop being so hard on yourself. You're human and you've made some mistakes. We all do. You need to learn how to love yourself again, and like youself, too. When you do, you won't need to take out your fears, anxieties, and frustrations on the people you love.

And one day, I pray you can muster up the courage to tell your husband that you're sorry for the way you treated him. As a codie who lived with an AB for 23 years, I would have loved to have heard him say he was sorry for everything he put me through, just one time. But those are words that I'm still waiting to hear.

Two months ago, I gave up the fight and all lost hope that he would recover, so I asked him to leave. He's now 60 years old. He's been drinking for 40 years, he's in the end stages of his disease and still he chooses alcohol over sobriety. I still love him. I still pray for him every night. I pray that he can one day reach sobriety and that the last years of his life will be his happiest years, but he will have to walk alone because I no longer want to be a part of his life.

I have suffered alongside my AB for many years. What I would have given for one "I'm sorry." Please don't make your sweet man wait for 23 years to hear those words. He needs to hear them, and he needs to hear them today. You see, there's no guarantee that there will be a tomorrow. He needs to hear those words from you. He needs it so badly.

EndOfRoadWife

erin, maybe you could write him a letter because sometimes its easier to put into writing..I, too, would love to hear "I'm sorry"..