artman

Hi everyone-

Well, I'm not sure what to do. I'm sober over 5 years in AA and my wife and I are struggling to adjust to "new patterns" in our relationship and I am really trying to let go of old patterns so that we don't keep ending up in the same dynamic. Which took this form tonight: we were out to dinner and just in the course of the conversation she said to me "You were more fun when you were drinking." Which of course really hurt my feelings a lot. (after all I am such a sensitive guy;-)). At first I tried to just let it go by, to detach, but she could sense that I was holding back and we got back into the old dynamic of me getting hurt and angry and eventually telling her and insisting somewhat angrily that she needs to own her own part in that unhealthy pattern. She did apologize but then I'm not so good at letting go and it kind of degenerated from there, and the same thing is happening that has happened so many time before - as soon as I try to "call her" on her sh*t she gets incredibly angry with me and shuts me out and talks about how our relationship has never worked and we should probably separate.

I don't know where to go with this - I do know and have some clarity that the only person I can change is ME. But how do I not get my feelings hurt when she says sh*t like that, and how do I let go of it if? I guess my question is, how do you guys do this "detach with love" thing?? This is all so weird and I even hesitate to post because she's not an A but she does have major control issues, eats emotionally, grew up with a bi-polar mom, etc. How do I LET GO?!

sheesh.....

Amber23

Your situation seems similiar in a sense. I found that when my A was drying out, all of my issues came to the surface. Granted the issues were partly based on the relationship, BUT over the last few months I am seeing what my problems are. They were always voided out by the larger issue of HIS problem.I have acted more passively in my attempts to draw the focus back to him, It sounds like your wife is being a bit blunt.To say things like that is a conscious effort on her part to bring it back to the past issues. I would be grateful if my A was sober for 5 years and I would be terrified to make a statement like that. Because many would take that as an excuse to fall back into the drinking. Growing up with a bi-polar mother may have conditioned her to need to feel conflict. It sounds like she needs to get some counseling. Probaly best if you both do. In regards to detaching, I just try to breath. For her to say something like that sounds like she really is feeling lost and needs to focus on healing her wounds/problems from the past. I have a made a rule for myself. That I will heal rather than let myself play a dysfunctional game. I count before I respond and I try to envision what I want the outcome to be, pick the battles I can win. Not so much for his sake, but for my sanity. Sounds like you've come a far way, stay strong.

splendra

((((artman))))

You sound like you are doing good. I thank God that you are clean 5 years!!!!! That is great!!!!

My advise would be to just get some good detachment when she says stuff like that. Don't own what she says. It does sound like she has unresolved issues that you are powerless over. You did not cause them, you can't cure them and, you can't control them... Keep your focus on yourself and your own recovery.

I have found that meditation helps me to establish a place where I am serene and the more I meditate the easier it is for me to get detached with love....

JT

Early in recovery little by little I stopped re-acting in the ways that had become habit. If it felt automatic it was probably wrong. If you want to stop getting what you are getting first you have to stop doing what you are doing.

Our dynamic was Ward being hard on the Beav and me defending...among other things but that was a big one. So Ward says to me "Beav is an idiot" and off we go. In version two I said nothing. Before long Ward would backpeddle and almost speak for me. "well, not an idiot but I can't believe he did that"

Now I didn't stop re-acting because I wanted to. I did it because I was told to by my sponsor. Try it...pick one behavior or comment she makes and do not react. Someone has to change the pattern and since you are the one who see's it you are the only one who can.

Oh...and have considered adding Al Anon to your recovery?

Hugs,
JT

wraybear

I guess the above situation would be like you are trying to "take her inventory". It would really upset me if my H tried to "call me on my sh_t" As, he has is own sh_t to deal with.

You have probably heard this before, but using "I" statements helps. "I feel hurt that you think I am not fun - I want us to have fun together" or maybe you could secretly plan something you think would be fun. I LOVE LOVE LOVE it when my H takes the time to plan a date/vacation, etc.


I think the above is part of the answer, and you said it yourself in your own post!

Maybe you should accept the fact that it is okay for your feelings to be hurt as that is part of life. ALLOW yourself those feelings. Sometimes A's and others have been numbing their feelings for so long that maybe it is a good thing for you to be feeling anything!

Letting go of it, may entail talking to her. Telling her from the bottom of your heart that it hurts your feelings. I know we (spouses) try to avoid confrontation, but this could be a real sharing experience.

Take care!

cloudy

well I don't know what to say exactly, but I really like what has been said so far! and it is perfectly ok for you to come here and post. and yes alanon would probably help too with detachment and getting support, all kinds of things. her and you. but if only you go that is ok too. and right now, i'm with amber I WISH mine was sober! and I WISH he would spend all his time at AA. anyway getting off track. if you like, try some alanon out. and i have seen several people in alanon who are also in aa. best wishes and it's great that you've got 5 years and that you are striving for solutions
Cloudy

artman

Thanks everyone!

I can't tell you how good it feels to be able to get support. Thanks to all of you for your acceptance and your feedback. I especially appreciate the reminder that it doesn't help for me to "take her inventory." I saw that right away when I re-read my post from last night. I need to focus on what I can do to make things different for me, and I can see that I have to DO things differently in order to experience different results in the relationship. I can't change her. That's not my job. So I really appreciate the pointers and the encouragement.

I have been to a couple of Al Anon meetings and want to do more - there's one this afternoon and I'm going to ask her if she wants to go with me. We'll see.....it seems to me that in Al Anon at least part of the focus is on learning how to take care of one's self while maintaining healthy boundaries in a relationship, and that is so much of what I need. AA, it seems to me, is more about how to get out of myself and learn to be of service.....

So much of the difficulty in this relationship goes back to the covertly alcoholic home I grew up in, so I guess that really does "qualify" me for Al Anon.....;-). My maternal grandmother was an alcoholic and everyone sort of tip-toed around that and didn't talk about it, but made sure not to cross her and to keep her happy. So I got the "people-pleaser" mode from my mom, who grew up with that. And I followed on with trying "not to cross" my wife and to keep her happy, but I was also carrying on with a career as a secret isolated solo drunk. And I react to my wife's anger and criticism the same way I related to my dad's - by either repressing my own anger or by lashing out inappropriately. My AA sponsor keeps reminding me that I am relatively new at learning new behaviors and have many years of dysfunctional behavior "grooved" into me as it were, so I have to be patient too.

When we are "on the same side" we can both see how our family-of-origin issues strongly affect the way we relate to each other. We actually laughed at one point when we realized that she reacts to me the way she reacted to her mom and I react to her the way I reacted to my dad. Ugh! And then we saw a movie where one character said to another: "The truth is that we're not in love. What's happened is that your unconscious has been attracted to my unconscious, unconsciously...." How true.....

Last night was a LONG LONG night with a lot of tears and anger, but we will make it through this. I am going to suggest counseling again too.

Thanks again everyone!!!! You guys are awesome!

Minx1969

Artman,

Congrats on the 5 years of sobriety in AA! That is fantastic. Keep going to AlAnon..I really liked what you said above about the differences between AlAnon and AA.

I really think that Alanon will help you with your relationship..

best of luck.

minx