emily33

I am discouraged lately, I want a partner in my life to share things with. I dont think that I can accept doing things alone all the time, or doing things with just my kids.

I need more, can I truly find happiness within myself living with an A? I know that I am not suppose to let his actions and things he says affect me, but there is such a fine line. I pretend they dont affect me, and sometimes they actually dont, But it is the times they do, I know that what he says and does I have no control over, I feel like I have let go in some degree but his words make me feel like I am nobody.

He has no respect for me, love for me, i dont even know if he cares for me

I feel like the only time he wants anything to do with me, is when he wants sex, or needs money, or something done. He calls me everyday on his break, and we have nothing to say, it is a dead silence, almost eary. He sits in the living room on rare occasions and it is the same thing, the only words we seem to mutter are negative words.

I am longing for those kind words, special touches, and excitement to do something either together or as a family.

I am with someone who is not available and never will be available.

I am actually starting to think about other men, I am dreaming of other men (not sexually) the thought of having sex with another man or even kissing another man makes me sick, my dreams are holding hands, laughing.

Has anyone gone through a grieving period, still with the alcoholic?

Sometimes I think I am crazy

Minx1969

[QUOTE=emily33]II am with someone who is not available and never will be available./QUOTE]

So if you want more out of life and relationships why do you stay? Is it fear, is it finances?

There is no limit to the wonderful things that life has to offer if you let it..

I have had many relationships with alcoholic boyfriends and although it really hurts each time it has ended, I am stronger and grateful not to be in that abusive situation anymore.

It really is a choice to stay or go..I have a hard time sometimes watching my friends in Alanon stay in the chaos when life is great without an alcoholic.

splendra

((((emily)))

I think you are moving ahead pretty good. You ask yourself all the right questions...how are you going to answer them? What do you owe your H? What do you owe to yourself. I know your H is very difficult to talk to. I am praying that you will find the right thing for you and when you do it will also be what is right for everyone....

Cynay

Dont beat yourself up over it.... understanding all this takes time, and you can only come to the decisions in your own time.

Sounds to me like you are asking the right questions and also looking deeply inside for the answers... what more growth is there. Most people cant even do this.

*pats you on the back*

JessicaNAJ

I have and still do at times. I ask myself all the time "WHAT AM I WAITING FOR". I'm married and in a marriage, I feel I need to do what it takes and give him every option to get himself together. I thought I was on the right path toward what I wanted in my life. I was on my way out. Then, he quit drinking, got a second job and is on time (for the most part) every morning to get the kids. Now I'm stuck again. Are my needs being met? No, but I heard in the first year of recovery the focus is on the A (from his point of view). Should I stick it out and see what he's capable of. sigh.....

anyway....i feel ya

myselfagain

[U]Has anyone gone through a grieving period, still with the alcoholic?[/U

Yes, i did. He was too busy drinking til he passed out every nite to notice. He didnt notice much of anything though. I could do whatever whenever I wanted, I just could not have a particapating husband.
And when I got done with the grieving I decided divorce was next, the marriage was dead. He would not accept any help to recover. I do not regret divorcing him. He is a very miserable person who still will not work any program because he dont need that sh--. He was in a fog for so many years that he had no clue that our life was going downhill.I did tell him every now and then when I caught him sober what was going on. He knew that I was not happy but in his word "was not ready to quit". I am happerier now than I have been in a long time.
Good Luck

wraybear

I definitely went through a grieving period. My AH was in a horrible car wreck 3 1/2 years ago and is now disabled and was on pain killers for the past 3 1/2 years, plus drinking off and on.

I let him come back home after the accident because he was in such horrible shape, could hardly walk or even feed himself, that I felt it was the right thing to do. That first two years I grieved my marriage. The man that I married was gone. It was painful and very lonely. Then about 7 months ago, I kicked him out and the first couple months went through a grieving period again. But it got so much better. Without him sitting on the couch or laying in bed, I got "him" out of mind and started living my life. I know some people can do this while they are living together - I couldn't anymore. It took me a long time to get to the point of realizing, I COULD NOT DO IT ANYMORE.

I do believe what made it easier, was having a plan. I got my own checking account 1 1/2 years ago. I closed all credit cards (I kept one, which he didn't have access too in case of emergency) I had all the household bills put in my name as he got a PO Box, and the bills in his name would go there, and I couldn't risk him not paying the electric/water/etc bills.

I believe it was Dee at Mt Bully, who made a New Year's resolution which has become my motto this year - "don't accept the unacceptable". Spend some time figuring out what is unacceptable. I don't think detaching means to stop sharing. If he hurts your feelings, wait until he is sober, if that ever happens, and tell him. That is what grown ups do. But, we know our A's aren't grown ups.

I hope you can find some peace in your situation soon.

dollydo

My ex-hubby was an Alcoholic, we were emotionly detached, we just exsisted. He drank, he hollored, I withdrew. I grew to hate him and me too. After 18 years I divorced him.
He drank more than ever after we divorced, he was mean and hateful, then he stopped drinking, we have become friends, something we never were B/4. He wants me back, I do not want to go back...I am afraid he will go back to his old habits.
I don't trust him or myself for that matter.
I am soooo happy to have some peace...only you can make the right decision for you.

I know I made the right decision for me.

Take Care,

Dolly

PrayingForBrian

You aren't crazy. Trust me, you definitley aren't crazy. I'm having the same argument with myself right now. I think I'm ready to leave...but it's scary.

*HUG* You'll know when you are ready to walk away from him.

Peaches04

Hi emily! yes, I went through a very long grieving period with my AH. I realized one day I was miserable and started practicing alanon and began to detach. I slowly started regaining my happiness and slowly losing the love I had for him, other than the sort of "he's the father of my children and I'll always love him" type of love. I had the same doubts and fears you did - and I went through the thinking about other guys period, too. The truth is that it is all about choices and empowerment. You have to make the choice to be happy with or without your AH. I decided I could not be happy with mine, so I am now without him...that was my choice. It may or may not be the right one for you, but that is something only you can decide. I think I tried everything in the book to keep my marriage together and in the end I think I can say what I truly 'grieved' was the loss of the idea of marriage and happily ever after with him, for me and our children. I had lost all respect and love for him a long time ago. I think for me that was HUGE coming to the realization that I was not sad about the prospect of losing HIM, but the prospect of losing something (an intact family) that I worked so, so, so hard and long to keep together. But, I do know what you are going through and I wish you peace sweetie.

minnie

What Peaches said. (love ya!)