zoe

My H and are are both home for the weekend and I will be driving him back up to his apt. today. We had discussed our sons attendance at school and the fact that he did not go on Friday while I was up visiting my H. We had a discussion about H spending more time with 15 yr. old before it was to late to form a good relationship and I had to explain to H that our son is not interested in fishing and hunting. He is into music,cars,motorcycles, etc. I told H that in order for them to form a bond he needed to do things with son that interested him, it was not about what H was interested in. Our son invited him to go to a local concert and H did not go then when the concert was over he says I guess I should have gone. No kidding!!!!! Anyway H tells son that he needs to get himself up the the A.M. and get his butt to school or he will be going to summer school or another year of HS to graduate. I am glad that he is finally taking some responsibility for raising the last child we have at home but now we have a new problem. H tells me this morning that our son is feeling left alone, I already new this and had mentioned it to him yrs ago. He was not giving our son enough attention. I ask how he would like to handle this and he tells me that the only way he can see is to sell our home and move everyone to where he is currently liveing. I agree that this would be the best for our son but for me it is not. H is in counselling and I believe he is doing well but I do not feel secure in our relationship enough to live in the same house right now. I would prefere to wait until H can be totally honest with me and share with me all that he is doing. He does not discuss with me his counselling so I do not know where he is at in his thoughts, this to me is keeping me at arms length, not letting me in. I also do not want to make any major changes until we have counselling together. I do want our family together, what is left of it, I just feel that it is to soon for ME. I do not know how to approch this with H. I have told him that I am not ready yet but I have not gone into detail why. I also feel that my resistance is holding us both back from moving forward. I know that I am being stubborn but it is coming from fear. If I tell H this he make take advantage of it. I am so confused.

JessicaNAJ

I think you have a right to be hesitant. Maybe what's he's thinking is best for your son is what he thinks is best for him? Is it possible your H could move closer and start spending more time with your son? Selling a house is a big deal, moving to another apartment is lot more simple. Just a thought.

zoe

Thank you so much for your support, I realize my situation is much more mundane than others here but I still need some support. My H does not have the choice of moving closer to us. His work demands that he be where he is at. When he first took the job we had planed to move but then I found out that he had been drinking again and lyeing to me so I decided not to move and sell the house. Even if I did move to join him and have the family together I would not agree to sell the house, I would rent it out to make sure I still have a home.

JessicaNAJ

Do you think you could live with your AH as "roommates"?

zoe

We still live as husband and wife now. We did not talk much from January to March. He called every day and we would just listen to each other breathe so I told him at one point not to call unless it was important and I would do the same. We started speaking again when he finally went into counseling. I then found out from the counselor that he had not been totally honest with her. Since then he has gone to counseling by himself and I have seen much improvement in his attitude and the way he treats me. He is working on himself because he now realizes that being a good husband means more than going to work and paying the bills.
My visits to him have started lasting longer. I started out staying the weekend and sleeping in the spare room, now we are back to staying in the same room and I stay for 4 or 5 days. When my H first came home he would sleep on the couch and he could only be here for a couple of days. He still only stays a couple of days but he no longer sleeps on the couch. When he brings up plans for the future or moving to where he is I do not make any comment usually, I just cannot bring myself to shoot him down continually. He has stopped asking so much and he says when ever you are ready. Just this last week I told him I do not know what to believe or what to trust because of all the lies and sneaking behind my back. My biggest issue with the whole process that he is going thru is how long will this last. Is this a permanent change for him or is it just for now until we are all liveing in the same house again. He says that this is a permanent change and he will continue with counseling and doing his best to change what he has done. He agrees with the counselor that saying sorry and telling me it will not happen again is not enough (duh) he has to show me. He is doing a very good job of showing me that he can be a good husband, bringing me coffee in the morning, holding my hand when ever we are out and about, paying specific attention to what I am saying to him, not ignoring me when he knows I am upset about something. Just this last weekend I was upset about something he had said and instead of ignoring it he asked what was wrong, we actually discussed the matter without him blowing up and shutting down the conversation, believe me that was a big milestone we moved out of the way. He has a tendency to get very defensive in these situations. I told him that I did not expect him to be perfect but if I did something to upset him I would want him to tell me and I felt that if I did not say anything to him the problem would remain. He does have a long way to go with communication but I do see and acknowledge the improvment.
I do not know how long I should wait to make the move, I have trust issues obviously and they are compounded by us liveing apart. How do I start to trust him if we do not share our everyday lives. We talk on the phone but I am constanly wondering if what he tells me is true, I am not there to see it. For two years he did not drink while home, he was drinking while we were liveing apart do to his work. The selfish behaviour has stopped for now and hopefully he is learning that there is no place in our marriage for him to start being selfish again. I am at a very pivotal point in the healing process so I am being catious I just wonder if I am being to stubborn.

walkingtheline

I think you should follow your heart. If it says "wait", you must wait.

However, there are some things you can do for your son during this waiting period.

I was a divorced mother of four, the youngest was my only son. He lived in a houseful of women...poor guy! What about encouraging your son to explore some outside interests, things that would enrich his life...not replace his dad but ways to enjoy himself? Scouts, music, painting...whatever he would find great! Between the age of 8 until he graduated high school my son did scouts, took a class in mountain climbing and rapelling, learned to fly fish, took guitar lessons...he was one busy boy!

Just an idea...

JessicaNAJ

Wow - it does sound as if he's come a long way. But I still see why you would be hesitant. There's a lot to deal with there.

I WISH SO MUCH that my AH would go to counseling.

I honestly don't think you are being stubborn. Part of my CoDe issue was I would do for others before I would do for myself. That really got me stuck. Sounds to me like you are taking care of you first. I understand your son is involved and that is a huge deal, but there has to be another way of getting him the attention he needs.

Honey - If your not ready, your not ready, you know what I mean? Consider if you did move back in with these anxieties of not fully being able to trust him or any other issues there may be, you could very possibly make the situation worse.

I agree with you to wait until you are ready.

zoe

My son plays quitar, rides 4-wheelers with his friends, spends time with his girlfriend, and has a band. He has seen the relationship that my H has with his oldest son and he so badly wants to have a good relationship with his father. I can honestly say that my H has let him down. My H has a son and daughter from a previous marriage and has always shown favoritism to his oldest son. I have spoken to him about this numerous times over the yrs because I could see it affecting our son. Our son would be talking to H and as soon as The oldest would walk in my son would go to his room because H turns all his attention to the oldest. My son would try to join the conversation at first but he finally just gave up all together. Now the oldest is out of the house and liveing in a different state so my son is trying once again to gain his fathers love and attention. I am hopeing this summer will bring them closer together. They do have plans to work together. One week on one week off. I quess my son will take anything he can get at this point even if it means work.

gelfling

Consider getting him into alateen meetings. He's at a very influential age. Finding out about the disease and knowing what's afflicting his father could be beneficial to him in later years.

sunshinebluesky

I do not think you are being stubborn at all.i think you are being a very wise person.i know that you are probably afraid that if you hold off too long,you will hurt your son and possibly lose your h. but if your husband is really serious about his recovery, he should understand your feelings on this and give you the time you need. be careful that he doesnt use the situation with your son to make you feel guilty and pressure you into getting back together permantantly too soon. it seems you both are making great strides in and out of the relationship,and i am soooooo envious of that!!! so keep up exactly what you are doing.state your case in a loving,caring,honest way and give h lots of encouragement on all the great things he is doing. as far as your son, having seen both my sons( and my daughter) feel totally left out by their dad i cant stress to your husband enough,how much sons need their dads',and to feel a bond with them. one of my all time favorite songs is "the cats in the cradle". and in fact i wrote a poem about this subject,that i think i might post here.

sunshinebluesky

i wrote this poem because of my sons, but it was only then that i realized what my own brother had done to his family years earlier.

johnny had a father, took off when he was four or five
johnny never knew if he was dead or alive
johnny's been in jail a few times, and me-
i knew his father well
i looked up to him- till i sort of found myself in johnny's mom's shoes
a man just aint a man when he forgets about his kids
he can start his life all over again
but he can never live
so when you close that door behind your young son
you better think long and hard,
for his life may be over, long before it's done.

zoe

When I first went to Al-anon I told my son where I was going and let him know that if he felt like it he could go to Alateen. He has chosen not to go but we did discuss my meeting. I no longer go. I feel I have a pretty good handle on taking care of myself and not letting my H be the deciding factor in all I do. The guilt that I am feeling is not comeing from my H it is comeing from internally. I recently told him that I resented haveing to go thru all this when we did not have to in the first place and we never have to again, he agreed. My son and I have a great relationship and we do alot together. He shares alot of his daily life with me and I know that he would like the same with his dad, I do not want my decision to hinder any progress that may bring he and his dad closer. I am not really worried that my H will give up on the marriage, I see him working very hard on his issues and he is constantly reassureing me that he wants to make our relationship better. I have told him if you do not want to stay then please leave, I will get over it. I don't want him to leave but I would rather be alone than be with someone who does not want to be with me. I will give it some more thought before I make any decisions. Thank you all so much. This has helped so much.