CRYING FOR HELP ... FORGIVENESS > I come to you for reinforecement and encouragement
old enough to know BETTER!!!!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: NY, NY
Posts: 396
CRYING FOR HELP ... FORGIVENESS > I come to you for reinforecement and encouragement
I had a bad day yesterday. Relapsed for the first time in a month! WOW! You must be thinking ...... but a month was quite an accomplisment. The stresses of my home life (I KNOW I KNOW, excuses excuses) made me think I don't know any other way to get past this.
How does one try to forgive the failure of relapse. I would appreciate any advice ANYONE could give me!!!
I wasn't ALWAYS like this ....... I want my old *me* back!
All my love,
Maria
How does one try to forgive the failure of relapse. I would appreciate any advice ANYONE could give me!!!
I wasn't ALWAYS like this ....... I want my old *me* back!
All my love,
Maria
This land with vast openness I was once free to roam. But how could I get there? How could I get past the fear? How could I stop to look at myself when all I ever wanted to do was run? …. …… I wasn’t always like this. I wasn’t always scared. I was a good kid. In fact I am pretty caring even now. I do good deeds and go to believein a HP.... or I would not be here today. But how long ago was it? How many years do I have to go back to remember them with innocence? Too many? No, too few. Does it matter how it started? ……….. Damn, those whispers again…. I need a hit, I need a beer……… But those whispers……….. I want them, I do I want them, ……….I want to see the sun rise and set. I want….. It just seems so far away ………… but so very close………… Shhhh…. Listen, maybe you can hear them……………FOR ME!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
Hi Maria,
I understand your disappoint and pain at your relapse, but we forgive ourselves because we have to. There is no other way to move forward. If you keep beating on yourself you will continue to relapse. I know, because that's what I did. It took me far too long to even begin to forgive myself. It's a decision you can make to stop punishing yourself.
Love, Anna
I understand your disappoint and pain at your relapse, but we forgive ourselves because we have to. There is no other way to move forward. If you keep beating on yourself you will continue to relapse. I know, because that's what I did. It took me far too long to even begin to forgive myself. It's a decision you can make to stop punishing yourself.
Love, Anna
Stark Raving Sober
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Lucerne CA
Posts: 20
Hello Maria,
That you lived to try again, may be the most important thing. Lots of us don't get the chance to come back. Hopefully you didn't run over a couple of kids and kill them while you were out there.
I am not a bad person trying to get good; I am a sick person trying to get well. Shame, remorse and guilt are the hallmarks of people who believe they're bad cause they drank. This is quite natural for us to feel this way. I am doing something unnatural by not drinking. Except for when the going gets temporarily tough, it does become more natural to not use anything to change the way I feel.
That you lived to try again, may be the most important thing. Lots of us don't get the chance to come back. Hopefully you didn't run over a couple of kids and kill them while you were out there.
I am not a bad person trying to get good; I am a sick person trying to get well. Shame, remorse and guilt are the hallmarks of people who believe they're bad cause they drank. This is quite natural for us to feel this way. I am doing something unnatural by not drinking. Except for when the going gets temporarily tough, it does become more natural to not use anything to change the way I feel.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: western canada
Posts: 1,441
.. forgiving the failure of relapse....
What..?? You mean you couldn't do it... perfectly... ??
How human of you..
The question I would be asking myself at this point is "have I lost sight of my path to wellness?"
Am I still committed to finding a better way than using?
Can I use this slip to enforce the understanding that my disease will take no days off... and I will always have this tendancy to want to medicate my life's stuggles...
I have slipped many times myself.. for I am multi addicted... and if I do not use one... I will try to use another.
I accept this... and must content myself with wobbling on down the path of wellness... sometimes tripping and falling off because I let my focus stray or some such human thing.. but... always .. always looking again first thing for that path... dragging my bruised and bleeding psyche and body along ...
It's a battle for our lives...
happy.. joyous and free don't come cheap.
Just don't give up.
What..?? You mean you couldn't do it... perfectly... ??
How human of you..
The question I would be asking myself at this point is "have I lost sight of my path to wellness?"
Am I still committed to finding a better way than using?
Can I use this slip to enforce the understanding that my disease will take no days off... and I will always have this tendancy to want to medicate my life's stuggles...
I have slipped many times myself.. for I am multi addicted... and if I do not use one... I will try to use another.
I accept this... and must content myself with wobbling on down the path of wellness... sometimes tripping and falling off because I let my focus stray or some such human thing.. but... always .. always looking again first thing for that path... dragging my bruised and bleeding psyche and body along ...
It's a battle for our lives...
happy.. joyous and free don't come cheap.
Just don't give up.
In Memory Of
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Connecticut.
Posts: 3,736
"About this slip buisness-I would not be too discouraged. I think you are suffering a great deal from needless guilt. For some reason or other, the Lord has laid out tougher path's fpr some of us, and I guess you are treading one of them" ( BillW.Letter,1958)
trying to mend
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Where the Wild Things Are
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by bikewench
.. forgiving the failure of relapse....
What..?? You mean you couldn't do it... perfectly... ??
How human of you..
The question I would be asking myself at this point is "have I lost sight of my path to wellness?"
Am I still committed to finding a better way than using?
Can I use this slip to enforce the understanding that my disease will take no days off... and I will always have this tendancy to want to medicate my life's stuggles...
I have slipped many times myself.. for I am multi addicted... and if I do not use one... I will try to use another.
I accept this... and must content myself with wobbling on down the path of wellness... sometimes tripping and falling off because I let my focus stray or some such human thing.. but... always .. always looking again first thing for that path... dragging my bruised and bleeding psyche and body along ...
It's a battle for our lives...
happy.. joyous and free don't come cheap.
Just don't give up.
What..?? You mean you couldn't do it... perfectly... ??
How human of you..
The question I would be asking myself at this point is "have I lost sight of my path to wellness?"
Am I still committed to finding a better way than using?
Can I use this slip to enforce the understanding that my disease will take no days off... and I will always have this tendancy to want to medicate my life's stuggles...
I have slipped many times myself.. for I am multi addicted... and if I do not use one... I will try to use another.
I accept this... and must content myself with wobbling on down the path of wellness... sometimes tripping and falling off because I let my focus stray or some such human thing.. but... always .. always looking again first thing for that path... dragging my bruised and bleeding psyche and body along ...
It's a battle for our lives...
happy.. joyous and free don't come cheap.
Just don't give up.
Amen.
never heard it said better
old enough to know BETTER!!!!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: NY, NY
Posts: 396
WHAT DO I SAY besides THANK YOU!
There are things going on in my life that I JUST CANNOT deal with ..... because it means hurting another (my ex) ...... last night was one of those nights where I, for the first time, said no (to you know what) because we're divorced, and because that's one of the reasons we're divorced. But he's a good a good man with a good heart; so the GUILT was AWFUL!
No, thankfully I did not drink and drive and did not cause a tragedy. Drank at home.
But I still feel weak, vulnerable, and disgusted at myself.
Thanking you all for your continued strength!
Maria
There are things going on in my life that I JUST CANNOT deal with ..... because it means hurting another (my ex) ...... last night was one of those nights where I, for the first time, said no (to you know what) because we're divorced, and because that's one of the reasons we're divorced. But he's a good a good man with a good heart; so the GUILT was AWFUL!
No, thankfully I did not drink and drive and did not cause a tragedy. Drank at home.
But I still feel weak, vulnerable, and disgusted at myself.
Thanking you all for your continued strength!
Maria
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: QVB NYC NY
Posts: 620
we're alcoholics/addicts, we're supoosed to drink/use!!!!
the miracle is when we don't. try to look at this slip as a learning experience instead of a failure. an old timer told me that and it worked for me, of course it only started working for me after i was done beating myself up for two weeks! LOL
in our disease it is said that we stopped growing mentaly when we started using, so to say, we are still emotional children. when we pick up we think it will be different. maybe it won't hurt as bad?
try and look at it like a kid with a fork and an electrical outlet. the kid puts the fork in the socket and ....ZZAAAPPPP! he gets rapped. the kid knows this will hurt so he doesn't do it again. but the fork still fits in the socket? maybe if he bends down one of the tynes it won't hurt as much? ......ZZAAAPPPP!!! HOLY MACKERAL! it still hurt just as much.
hmmmmm, maybe the kid should try bending two tynes down and leave two up? ZZAAAPPPP!!! nope that wasn't it?
maybe try turning the fork around? ZZAAAPPPP!!!!
nope?
this is how i was with my disease, for thirteen years of trying to attain sobriety i kept putting that fork back in the socket! i tried every which way i could to do it differently, be it control, pacing, or different excuses. but i always got ZZAAAPPPPED!!!!
i learned that the fork in the socket will hurt me no matter what. so today i eat with plastic cutlery!
plastic cutlery because......... nothing changes if nothing changes!
the only way i could stop putting the fork in the socket was to look inside of me and see what was making me do it. i had to change that behavior before i got electrocuted!
you know why?
because it ain't old behavior if i'm still doing it! LOL
so to forgive the failure of relapse really isn't the question, it's realizing that you didn't fail, you still have that month sober, no-one can take that and that's an accomplishment to look forward to again! but this time remember what set you off and do things differently!
do you go to meetings? have a sponsor?
if not, getting one and going would be a good start in doing things differently!
good luck kid,
bill
the miracle is when we don't. try to look at this slip as a learning experience instead of a failure. an old timer told me that and it worked for me, of course it only started working for me after i was done beating myself up for two weeks! LOL
in our disease it is said that we stopped growing mentaly when we started using, so to say, we are still emotional children. when we pick up we think it will be different. maybe it won't hurt as bad?
try and look at it like a kid with a fork and an electrical outlet. the kid puts the fork in the socket and ....ZZAAAPPPP! he gets rapped. the kid knows this will hurt so he doesn't do it again. but the fork still fits in the socket? maybe if he bends down one of the tynes it won't hurt as much? ......ZZAAAPPPP!!! HOLY MACKERAL! it still hurt just as much.
hmmmmm, maybe the kid should try bending two tynes down and leave two up? ZZAAAPPPP!!! nope that wasn't it?
maybe try turning the fork around? ZZAAAPPPP!!!!
nope?
this is how i was with my disease, for thirteen years of trying to attain sobriety i kept putting that fork back in the socket! i tried every which way i could to do it differently, be it control, pacing, or different excuses. but i always got ZZAAAPPPPED!!!!
i learned that the fork in the socket will hurt me no matter what. so today i eat with plastic cutlery!
plastic cutlery because......... nothing changes if nothing changes!
the only way i could stop putting the fork in the socket was to look inside of me and see what was making me do it. i had to change that behavior before i got electrocuted!
you know why?
because it ain't old behavior if i'm still doing it! LOL
so to forgive the failure of relapse really isn't the question, it's realizing that you didn't fail, you still have that month sober, no-one can take that and that's an accomplishment to look forward to again! but this time remember what set you off and do things differently!
do you go to meetings? have a sponsor?
if not, getting one and going would be a good start in doing things differently!
good luck kid,
bill
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Washington
Posts: 5,093
(((findingme)))
Straight to the point. I could always find an excuse to drink. Guilt was one of many excuses. When I couldn't find one, I'd make one up. Get to a meeting and start working the program with a sponsor. Until then, chances are things will remain the same. We will always have guilt at one time or another. It's how we deal with it that makes the difference between getting drunk and staying sober.
Straight to the point. I could always find an excuse to drink. Guilt was one of many excuses. When I couldn't find one, I'd make one up. Get to a meeting and start working the program with a sponsor. Until then, chances are things will remain the same. We will always have guilt at one time or another. It's how we deal with it that makes the difference between getting drunk and staying sober.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: San Jose, CA
Posts: 77
I slipped last week as well. I also did it because of the pressures of home life and some other things. It is hard to deal for us right now and easy to drink. I, in particular, always hid behind a bottle. Now I have no place to hide and it is terrible. I'm having a terrible time coping. You may be as well?
I am not angry at myself nor should you be. As was said earlier, nobody can take away what you have done nor what you have learned. You slipped, that is all. Just keep trying and eventually we will get it right.
I am not angry at myself nor should you be. As was said earlier, nobody can take away what you have done nor what you have learned. You slipped, that is all. Just keep trying and eventually we will get it right.
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Washington
Posts: 5,093
Just keep trying and eventually we will get it right.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and go forward...left, right, left, right...
You can do it, we are imperfect people living in an imperfect world.
Life is a song worth singing, sing it...
Dolly
You can do it, we are imperfect people living in an imperfect world.
Life is a song worth singing, sing it...
Dolly
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: San Jose, CA
Posts: 77
One more thing. I don't do this often enough but when problems get to be too much I pray. I ask God to take the thoughts out of my mind and bear the weight of my pain on his shoulders as I am only human and not strong enough right now. It really seems to help a lot and when I remember to do it the thoughts are gone and I can sleep at night.
Just a thought but it seems to help me. Actually it DOES help me.
Just a thought but it seems to help me. Actually it DOES help me.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: West Texas
Posts: 34
I just slipped myself. I had 14 days (this time...I have had 6 years sober)
I never could get a positive attitude, I just kept wondering when I was going to screw up....THAT'S WHAT I NEED TO CHANGE!!
Well it happened...I had the perfect opportunity, (I have to sneak) husband and kids left town...and I turned into a zombie...I was getting dressed...got into the truck and drove to the liquor store...I didn't even want to!!!! I swear that demon just waits ever so patiently! I told myself that I could handle it this time; drink like a "normal" person....$hit, I don't even remember the last 2 days!
I feel like such a pig! My kids hate me, hubby told me I have to leave (hope he dosen't mean it this time!) and I'm sicker than a dog!
I understand about the guilt and pain...It is just too much to handle sometimes...REALITY! EEKKK!....that's why I'm still drinking now.
Forgive me!
Why , oh why are some of us chosen for this nitemare of a life?
Maria, Please don't beat yourself up! If anything the key to getting out of this mess is loving ourselves!
Hugs my friend,
Jazz
I never could get a positive attitude, I just kept wondering when I was going to screw up....THAT'S WHAT I NEED TO CHANGE!!
Well it happened...I had the perfect opportunity, (I have to sneak) husband and kids left town...and I turned into a zombie...I was getting dressed...got into the truck and drove to the liquor store...I didn't even want to!!!! I swear that demon just waits ever so patiently! I told myself that I could handle it this time; drink like a "normal" person....$hit, I don't even remember the last 2 days!
I feel like such a pig! My kids hate me, hubby told me I have to leave (hope he dosen't mean it this time!) and I'm sicker than a dog!
I understand about the guilt and pain...It is just too much to handle sometimes...REALITY! EEKKK!....that's why I'm still drinking now.
Forgive me!
Why , oh why are some of us chosen for this nitemare of a life?
Maria, Please don't beat yourself up! If anything the key to getting out of this mess is loving ourselves!
Hugs my friend,
Jazz
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