I cracked up - please reply
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Scotland
Posts: 70
I cracked up - please reply
Hiya all, i hope you are well. Last night at AA i cracked up. I was sitting there feeling so pissed off, i just wanted to forget about drink although i wanted to be out drunk and all people were talking about was vodca and DRINK!!! is it normal to feel this way sometimes? i thought, if anyone says one more thing about drink i will punch them!!! LOL! but i wouldnt have, ya know what i mean. I was just feeling really irratable and felt like walking out. I am sober two weeks yesterday and i felt like forgeting it. Its to hard. I was trying to defend drink in my head and they were all telling me how bad it was, i didnt want to here it! the thing is though, what hurt me the most is that they were right. I wasnt interested in what they were saying because it hurt me too much, i couldnt handle the truth. I said to myself when i first went to AA that i would soon find out if i was an acholic, if i found it hard to stop then i no doubt was. So when i was sat there struggling and i mean really struggling i felt so angry with myself, it dawned on me that i am an alcholic and reality set in 
Is this normal? also i had things going through my mind that i should have delbt with years ago and i couldnt hide from them anymore and it hurt so bad. I felt what was like a phiycical pain in my heart, i was hurting so bad with emotion. Does anyone know what i mean?
Finally when the meeting finished i went outside and burst into tears. I felt like an open wound, raw. I started shaking, and i am not joking, i have NEVER in my life experienced anything like it. Im not a phicical alcholic as i never drank everyday, it was like my head was going to explode and i just started shaking uncontrolably. I made a total fool of myself. Now i feel so stupid, do you think anyone would have judged me?
Anyway, when i came home i cryed on my bf for hours so deppressed. It felt like the "Doom" feeling which i feel after a mad drink ten times over. I couldnt sleep or anything. Today i feel just as bad, so so low. I just dont know what to do with myself, i feel like i am going of my head, im so anxious. Everything just seems to real.
Am i normal? please please reply.
Take care luv bonnie,xxxx
Is this normal? also i had things going through my mind that i should have delbt with years ago and i couldnt hide from them anymore and it hurt so bad. I felt what was like a phiycical pain in my heart, i was hurting so bad with emotion. Does anyone know what i mean?Finally when the meeting finished i went outside and burst into tears. I felt like an open wound, raw. I started shaking, and i am not joking, i have NEVER in my life experienced anything like it. Im not a phicical alcholic as i never drank everyday, it was like my head was going to explode and i just started shaking uncontrolably. I made a total fool of myself. Now i feel so stupid, do you think anyone would have judged me?
Anyway, when i came home i cryed on my bf for hours so deppressed. It felt like the "Doom" feeling which i feel after a mad drink ten times over. I couldnt sleep or anything. Today i feel just as bad, so so low. I just dont know what to do with myself, i feel like i am going of my head, im so anxious. Everything just seems to real.
Am i normal? please please reply.
Take care luv bonnie,xxxx
1 bite&all resistance crumbles
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: IRELAND
Posts: 2,208
Hi Bonnie
That is SO SO NORMAL!!! I promise you! wow, you are doing so well, girlie!!!! you are allowing yourself to FEEL - NO ONE would have judged you, they would have most probably thought, wow, welcome to the world of FEELING your FEELINGS and been so happy for you!!! This is a temporary glitch...the precise same thing happened to me - a few times - but IN a meeting. I remember sharing (at this totally foreign meeting about 2 weeks into first going to AA) it was around christmas time and i started sharing how I hurt my husband 2 christmases before by being abusive and drunk at his parents house...and I started crying so much I could literally not talk. you know what I wanted to do - i just wanted (intersting - this meeting was at a member's house so we were in his lounge me and say 5 other strange men!) to lie on his lounge floor and cry and kick my legs!!!! It was unbelievable!! they all told me afterwards, you are FEELING that's good. And that's what I am saying to you Bonnie - it is a GOOD sign - even BETTER is that you are still sober!!!! Bonnie, try and give yourself a break? you are doing so well, give yourself a HUGE pat on the back.
As alcoholics we are so used to NUMBING our feeings it's weird and strange to FEEL - but it's GOOD.
you are doing SO GREAT BONNIE!
much love
cathy31
x
That is SO SO NORMAL!!! I promise you! wow, you are doing so well, girlie!!!! you are allowing yourself to FEEL - NO ONE would have judged you, they would have most probably thought, wow, welcome to the world of FEELING your FEELINGS and been so happy for you!!! This is a temporary glitch...the precise same thing happened to me - a few times - but IN a meeting. I remember sharing (at this totally foreign meeting about 2 weeks into first going to AA) it was around christmas time and i started sharing how I hurt my husband 2 christmases before by being abusive and drunk at his parents house...and I started crying so much I could literally not talk. you know what I wanted to do - i just wanted (intersting - this meeting was at a member's house so we were in his lounge me and say 5 other strange men!) to lie on his lounge floor and cry and kick my legs!!!! It was unbelievable!! they all told me afterwards, you are FEELING that's good. And that's what I am saying to you Bonnie - it is a GOOD sign - even BETTER is that you are still sober!!!! Bonnie, try and give yourself a break? you are doing so well, give yourself a HUGE pat on the back.
As alcoholics we are so used to NUMBING our feeings it's weird and strange to FEEL - but it's GOOD.
you are doing SO GREAT BONNIE!
much love
cathy31
x
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Judgements from any that would have looked on you at the time...
Wow I remember when that happened to me...poor kid
Wow I remember when that happened to me... will say an extra prayer for her.
Wow good for her, she is well on the way to recovery. Sure wish mine came as fast.
and then a few that would look at it with a mean side sort of...
Good! I hope she remembers this
Ha Ha best thing for her. Hope she remembers this well
If any judgements, they would all be positive towards your recovery.
Your not the first and your not alone.
You are on the way to a great recovery.
Wow I remember when that happened to me...poor kid
Wow I remember when that happened to me... will say an extra prayer for her.
Wow good for her, she is well on the way to recovery. Sure wish mine came as fast.
and then a few that would look at it with a mean side sort of...
Good! I hope she remembers this
Ha Ha best thing for her. Hope she remembers this well
If any judgements, they would all be positive towards your recovery.
Your not the first and your not alone.
You are on the way to a great recovery.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Bonnie,
I do not believe anyone would have judged you. That is one of the first things I learned when I stopped drinking, that the people who go through all this stuff are some of the most compassionate, understanding people in the world.
And, it is an incredibly emotional experience to go through. I was devastated when I realized that I was an alcoholic. My mother was an alcoholic and I swore I would never be like that and in fact I didn't drink until my mid-forties. And, then, boom, there I was, an addict. Once you accept the reality, you can begin to move forward on this journey. It will be worth it.
Love, Anna
I do not believe anyone would have judged you. That is one of the first things I learned when I stopped drinking, that the people who go through all this stuff are some of the most compassionate, understanding people in the world.
And, it is an incredibly emotional experience to go through. I was devastated when I realized that I was an alcoholic. My mother was an alcoholic and I swore I would never be like that and in fact I didn't drink until my mid-forties. And, then, boom, there I was, an addict. Once you accept the reality, you can begin to move forward on this journey. It will be worth it.
Love, Anna
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Amsterdam, The Netherlands
Posts: 88
Job well done Bonnie!
I can relate to the crying right now as I'm doing that more and more.
Do I like it? Nu-uh!
But I'm SO glad I have real feelings finally!
And you know what my fellows say - eventhough it's from a different 12 step program - job well done Nick!
They tell me that this is normal so it must be normal for you too.
Hang in there Bonnie, I'm doing the same right now so at least you (and I) are not alone in this.
I can relate to the crying right now as I'm doing that more and more.
Do I like it? Nu-uh!
But I'm SO glad I have real feelings finally!
And you know what my fellows say - eventhough it's from a different 12 step program - job well done Nick!
They tell me that this is normal so it must be normal for you too.
Hang in there Bonnie, I'm doing the same right now so at least you (and I) are not alone in this.
Jack
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Pocono Mts. of PA
Posts: 115
Early sobriety
Hi Fishy, early sobriety is tough but be assured you're doing the right thing.
You're gonna go thru hell for weeks, maybe months but the payoff is amazing.
After you're sober for awhile the worst compulsions go away.(I still get them after 6 yrs. sober) You might think you want a drink but the tools AA gives you will let you defeat those urges.
The reason people go to AA are many but one of the most important is to help newcomers by sharing our experience, strength and hope. Even today about the only time I think about drinking and/or drugging is at a meeting.
And yes I do get sick of it sometimes. One suggestion: Don't go to the same meeting all the time, look around for other meetings and you'll hear new and different things, get a new slant on how to look at your and others recovery.
it's a simple program but not an easy one. Meeting makers make it and don't leave 5 minutes before the miracle. Good luck and God bless.
You're gonna go thru hell for weeks, maybe months but the payoff is amazing.
After you're sober for awhile the worst compulsions go away.(I still get them after 6 yrs. sober) You might think you want a drink but the tools AA gives you will let you defeat those urges.
The reason people go to AA are many but one of the most important is to help newcomers by sharing our experience, strength and hope. Even today about the only time I think about drinking and/or drugging is at a meeting.
And yes I do get sick of it sometimes. One suggestion: Don't go to the same meeting all the time, look around for other meetings and you'll hear new and different things, get a new slant on how to look at your and others recovery.
it's a simple program but not an easy one. Meeting makers make it and don't leave 5 minutes before the miracle. Good luck and God bless.
Putting it all together
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: St. Louis, MO.
Posts: 469
Bonnie-Crying is good for your soul....it takes away all the crap that has been lying there for years. Nobody will judge you...they understand that you need to FEEL things in order to get better....good for you.....keep feeling and you will find many things that you did not even know were there.....Kahlia
It Is What It Is
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Peculiar, MO
Posts: 292
Hey Bonnie...way to go! Someone told me not too long ago that we go through a grief process when we realize what we are and come to the decision that we have to give up our addictions or die. They said that I would grieve the loss of my "best friend", the alcohol and drugs. First I would do exactly what you're doing, and I did, for days and days on end. Then they said I would get angry about "never being able to drink/use again", and boy did I! Then I came to accept that I can NEVER go back to the way I was, I don't want to. Next I have to come to terms with the harm I've caused myself and others. So I'm starting my fourth step...anyway...onward and upward, girlie! Welcome to Recovery!!! 
Another thing...I've never had such awesome support and friendship as I have found in AA and NA.
Another thing...I've never had such awesome support and friendship as I have found in AA and NA.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Scotland
Posts: 70
Thank you all....
Thank you all for the replys, they really mean alot to me. Im feeling ok just now, not on top of the world but sober and thats the main thing! im still having the nightmares but im hoping they will pass. Anyway, my best news is that when i went to my meeting on sunday, the day after i cracked!LOL! i told them EVERYTHING that i had said in this thread and ADDMITTED i was an ALCHOLIC! it was hard to say in out loud but there was no avoiding it. I know that i had to crack to realise it so i suppose it was a good thing. But it is hard.
I just wanted to say how gratefull i am for this board and everyone in it, you really are the best
Lots of love to you all, bonnie,xxxx
I just wanted to say how gratefull i am for this board and everyone in it, you really are the best
Lots of love to you all, bonnie,xxxx
We all need each other.
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: The road of happy destiny.
Posts: 2,294
Hey there, Bonnie--Glad to hear you are feeling better. Welcome to the rollercoaster ride that is early sobriety. I was an absolute emotional wreck my first few months. I experienced super-high highs and way-down-low lows. I had times when I thought I would never stop crying and times when I thought I would never stop laughing. Thing is, it was all good. It felt strange and unnatural--I hadn't felt REAL feelings in such a long time, but for the first time I really felt alive. The ride has slowed down a bit now. The hills are not quite so high and the valleys are not as low. I am grateful for that, but I am glad I am still feeling my feelings. Thank you for reminding me to be grateful. You have helped me stay clean and sober another 24 hours.
Hugs to you--
Hugs to you--
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Bonnie,
it gets better. I know, you hurt now but, life will get better. There wouldn't be so many of us with multiple years of sobriety telling you it does if, it wasn't so. Kepp going to the meetings and get you a sponser.
ps
early in my recovery, that's all I could say is, I didn't drink that day. Just stay sober for the moment, no matter what a drink will not solve your problems
chris
it gets better. I know, you hurt now but, life will get better. There wouldn't be so many of us with multiple years of sobriety telling you it does if, it wasn't so. Kepp going to the meetings and get you a sponser.
ps
early in my recovery, that's all I could say is, I didn't drink that day. Just stay sober for the moment, no matter what a drink will not solve your problems
chris
Member
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Gillam,MB. Canada
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by fishyfishy
Hiya all, i hope you are well. Last night at AA i cracked up. I was sitting there feeling so pissed off, i just wanted to forget about drink although i wanted to be out drunk and all people were talking about was vodca and DRINK!!! is it normal to feel this way sometimes? i thought, if anyone says one more thing about drink i will punch them!!! LOL! but i wouldnt have, ya know what i mean. I was just feeling really irratable and felt like walking out. I am sober two weeks yesterday and i felt like forgeting it. Its to hard. I was trying to defend drink in my head and they were all telling me how bad it was, i didnt want to here it! the thing is though, what hurt me the most is that they were right. I wasnt interested in what they were saying because it hurt me too much, i couldnt handle the truth. I said to myself when i first went to AA that i would soon find out if i was an acholic, if i found it hard to stop then i no doubt was. So when i was sat there struggling and i mean really struggling i felt so angry with myself, it dawned on me that i am an alcholic and reality set in Is this normal? also i had things going through my mind that i should have delbt with years ago and i couldnt hide from them anymore and it hurt so bad. I felt what was like a phiycical pain in my heart, i was hurting so bad with emotion. Does anyone know what i mean?
Finally when the meeting finished i went outside and burst into tears. I felt like an open wound, raw. I started shaking, and i am not joking, i have NEVER in my life experienced anything like it. Im not a phicical alcholic as i never drank everyday, it was like my head was going to explode and i just started shaking uncontrolably. I made a total fool of myself. Now i feel so stupid, do you think anyone would have judged me?
Anyway, when i came home i cryed on my bf for hours so deppressed. It felt like the "Doom" feeling which i feel after a mad drink ten times over. I couldnt sleep or anything. Today i feel just as bad, so so low. I just dont know what to do with myself, i feel like i am going of my head, im so anxious. Everything just seems to real.
Am i normal? please please reply.
Take care luv bonnie,xxxx
Is this normal? also i had things going through my mind that i should have delbt with years ago and i couldnt hide from them anymore and it hurt so bad. I felt what was like a phiycical pain in my heart, i was hurting so bad with emotion. Does anyone know what i mean?Finally when the meeting finished i went outside and burst into tears. I felt like an open wound, raw. I started shaking, and i am not joking, i have NEVER in my life experienced anything like it. Im not a phicical alcholic as i never drank everyday, it was like my head was going to explode and i just started shaking uncontrolably. I made a total fool of myself. Now i feel so stupid, do you think anyone would have judged me?
Anyway, when i came home i cryed on my bf for hours so deppressed. It felt like the "Doom" feeling which i feel after a mad drink ten times over. I couldnt sleep or anything. Today i feel just as bad, so so low. I just dont know what to do with myself, i feel like i am going of my head, im so anxious. Everything just seems to real.
Am i normal? please please reply.
Take care luv bonnie,xxxx
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