Trying to Decide... Opion please
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Trying to Decide... Opion please
Question....
My ex-ABF called me on Mothers Day and left a message just wishing me a good day and good luck on an upcoming test...
I did not return the call, his B-Day is coming up and Im going back and forth questioning if I should call him.
There is part of me that says that the end is the end, I dont want the chaos back into my life and cut all ties.. which I have done. I have a girlfriend here that is a recovering A.. a little over a year and she tells me NO contact, that If I were to call and do that Im still holding on, not letting go like I need too and Im opening up to more hurt.
He has told me he cant be in a relationship till he has a year sober... he is the one that has not called me (just cut it) since March... but then leaves that message... and there was nothing in the message that suggested I give him a call. I do love him, I do miss him and YES I do know he is toxic for me and I not in a place that if we saw each other I would honestly say we are completly over..... Im getting there I think, but Im not there yet.
Part of me still wonders if he stays sober and gets healthy... Could we have made it? Is there anything left of us?? all the questions I dont have answers too... then I think to myself, bahhh insanity... doing it over expecting a different result.
Im just tooo confused about my emotions for him to determine if I should call and leave a Happy B-Day message. I would call when I know he wont pick up the phone.
What do you think?
My ex-ABF called me on Mothers Day and left a message just wishing me a good day and good luck on an upcoming test...
I did not return the call, his B-Day is coming up and Im going back and forth questioning if I should call him.
There is part of me that says that the end is the end, I dont want the chaos back into my life and cut all ties.. which I have done. I have a girlfriend here that is a recovering A.. a little over a year and she tells me NO contact, that If I were to call and do that Im still holding on, not letting go like I need too and Im opening up to more hurt.
He has told me he cant be in a relationship till he has a year sober... he is the one that has not called me (just cut it) since March... but then leaves that message... and there was nothing in the message that suggested I give him a call. I do love him, I do miss him and YES I do know he is toxic for me and I not in a place that if we saw each other I would honestly say we are completly over..... Im getting there I think, but Im not there yet.
Part of me still wonders if he stays sober and gets healthy... Could we have made it? Is there anything left of us?? all the questions I dont have answers too... then I think to myself, bahhh insanity... doing it over expecting a different result.
Im just tooo confused about my emotions for him to determine if I should call and leave a Happy B-Day message. I would call when I know he wont pick up the phone.
What do you think?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
Taking that you are happy with the relationship ending?
If that's the case and it's no more or less than a birthday wish all should be fine.
If you know in your heart you'll be waiting a response, wondering if he got it, wondering if he still thinks about you, sending him a reminder that you haven't forgotten him, hoping he thinks/feels something when he sees the card (that has you not his birthday in the main of the picture), if you want it to lead to anything other than a simple birthday wish; then maybe you need to wonder whether your words and heart are talking the same language.
If that's the case and it's no more or less than a birthday wish all should be fine.
If you know in your heart you'll be waiting a response, wondering if he got it, wondering if he still thinks about you, sending him a reminder that you haven't forgotten him, hoping he thinks/feels something when he sees the card (that has you not his birthday in the main of the picture), if you want it to lead to anything other than a simple birthday wish; then maybe you need to wonder whether your words and heart are talking the same language.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Also I was thinking of my Motivation in this... I would have to be honest and say that I guess I do want to keep that thread there... I dont want him to forget me.
Now that is nuts too considering that he is soooo toxic for me and the last I saw him nothing had changed at all. He was just a dry drunk...
Maybe Im not ready to give up all hope??? Bahhh I need theraphy
Now that is nuts too considering that he is soooo toxic for me and the last I saw him nothing had changed at all. He was just a dry drunk...
Maybe Im not ready to give up all hope??? Bahhh I need theraphy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
Originally Posted by equus
If you know in your heart you'll be waiting a response, wondering if he got it, wondering if he still thinks about you, sending him a reminder that you haven't forgotten him, hoping he thinks/feels something when he sees the card (that has you not his birthday in the main of the picture), if you want it to lead to anything other than a simple birthday wish; then maybe you need to wonder whether your words and heart are talking the same language.
I was going to agree with Patty about sending a card, but you are absolutely right.Thanks Equus....I needed to hear that today.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
You have a point... I dont want him to forget about me.... that being said, If it were anyone but him I would not question sending a card or making a call.
I dont think I would "expect" anything from him and at this point I dont think I would obsess about it... but there is an amount of me that wants him to remember me.
I dont think I would "expect" anything from him and at this point I dont think I would obsess about it... but there is an amount of me that wants him to remember me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
True ... but it seems almost rude not to acknowledge his Birthday. I know he remembers me only because he called me on Mothers Day.
I have come to the point not to expect anything where he is concerned... also I think that the chances of us ever being together again are probably 10% out of 100... I just dont see that happening. If we had stayed together and worked through it we could have made it... but seperate I dont feel I would take that chance again. I dont really know what the chances of us being friends in the future are.
I have come to the point not to expect anything where he is concerned... also I think that the chances of us ever being together again are probably 10% out of 100... I just dont see that happening. If we had stayed together and worked through it we could have made it... but seperate I dont feel I would take that chance again. I dont really know what the chances of us being friends in the future are.
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
Originally Posted by Cynay
True ... but it seems almost rude not to acknowledge his Birthday.
Caution..tough love a'coming:
This man is TOXIC to you and you are worried about appearing rude? We can justify our wants and desires 6 ways from Sunday when we want to so something we KNOW we shouldnt.
You said several times he is toxic, you dont want that life anymore,that HE has broken up with you and yet you are trying to subconsciously finds excuses to contact him?
Only people pleasers care about the appearance of being rude. People who love themselves enough to seperate from toxicity dont.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 491
I have the very same thoughts as you Cynay as you know. I wonder what it would be like to date sober... you think, man, they stopped drinking, they sound and look happy!
But what if I told you really things are worst then when they were drinking... the dry drunk phase is covered up as much as possible when you barely hear or see them, they are on their best behaviors and keep in mind out of all the people they want to prove their life has changed one of the main people would include YOU.
They will enter this teenage mentality that says "I'll SHOW YOU I CAN DO IT!!!" as if your the enemy, or the parent that has disciplined them. Such reactions can be suprising cause you were always the supporter of anything and everything only to be looked at as the enemy. Its the biggest surreal part of this experience.
Thus when you get that call, he sounds so healthy and happy, its as if he's a new man. But you dont see what he's like alone... what I told you its worst then when he was drinking....
The dry drunk phase is very real, and its like waking up from a decade of being drunk. It will take years for this hangover to pass and if the drug damage was severe enough, some say its an IF it will pass, not when. Permanent damage happens to the mind and body easily whether people can easily see it or not.
I remember my ex, when we were still speaking terms, at one point, she even told me (this was post starting sobriety) how when she was alone, she started going nuts. Her life looks like its PERFECT in the very few minutes I have to see her, she is dressed and combed at her best, and etc... but when she is living her normal day, she recently got in a car accident cause she had to rush to a CDRP meeting and hit a car costing her $1000 out of her pocket which she barely has. If life was really so perfect, why would you still seem like the same hectic late for everything person.
I mean, she has no responsibility except to live, and visit a meeting or two during the day in order to stay in this half way home.
Yet, when we were TRYING to be friends (which I could easily imagine happening to you if you tried to be his friend again), she would be nice ... sometimes. Then her flakey nature would still happen, her lack of ability to keep her word would still happen, and her amazing ability to hurt me in front of others keep happening. Things that you wouldnt think a nice person would do will happen.
Dont forget your ex's lying, in the name of recovery, we shouldnt date babe.... only to find him dating others. The lies continue, the same self continues, and if anything, has gotten WORST.
The stage after sobriety is not a waking up turning into a butterfly, its really waking up in the COMA after some pretty serious body damage being hit by a truck. On the outside, the skin will become healthier as the alcohol fades. But inside, it is very much like that.
Lets not forget him waking up with a teenage mindset, thinking logic is an impossibility.
Dont be swayed by a nice hello and nice voice sounding so healthy, it is him at his very best! Afterall, he will want to prove to you he isnt a loser. And he's not... but he thinks 6 months sober means he's an amazing man now... really, he's waken up in the coma broken, and it will take a long time to walk straight again.
Just helping to remind you, cause I forget all these things all too easily. All the BOTHER that happens when she is around is gone, I can only see the love I had for her now... I know once she steps back in my life, all the BOTHER or "choas" you call it, will cover up the love and be much worst then the love is worth.
Take care yourself, best wishes always
Sorry my posting is so long.... as far as his birthday, he will be fine. He can have his new dates say it to him, and remind himself he's lying for the name of recovery.
But what if I told you really things are worst then when they were drinking... the dry drunk phase is covered up as much as possible when you barely hear or see them, they are on their best behaviors and keep in mind out of all the people they want to prove their life has changed one of the main people would include YOU.
They will enter this teenage mentality that says "I'll SHOW YOU I CAN DO IT!!!" as if your the enemy, or the parent that has disciplined them. Such reactions can be suprising cause you were always the supporter of anything and everything only to be looked at as the enemy. Its the biggest surreal part of this experience.
Thus when you get that call, he sounds so healthy and happy, its as if he's a new man. But you dont see what he's like alone... what I told you its worst then when he was drinking....
The dry drunk phase is very real, and its like waking up from a decade of being drunk. It will take years for this hangover to pass and if the drug damage was severe enough, some say its an IF it will pass, not when. Permanent damage happens to the mind and body easily whether people can easily see it or not.
I remember my ex, when we were still speaking terms, at one point, she even told me (this was post starting sobriety) how when she was alone, she started going nuts. Her life looks like its PERFECT in the very few minutes I have to see her, she is dressed and combed at her best, and etc... but when she is living her normal day, she recently got in a car accident cause she had to rush to a CDRP meeting and hit a car costing her $1000 out of her pocket which she barely has. If life was really so perfect, why would you still seem like the same hectic late for everything person.
I mean, she has no responsibility except to live, and visit a meeting or two during the day in order to stay in this half way home.
Yet, when we were TRYING to be friends (which I could easily imagine happening to you if you tried to be his friend again), she would be nice ... sometimes. Then her flakey nature would still happen, her lack of ability to keep her word would still happen, and her amazing ability to hurt me in front of others keep happening. Things that you wouldnt think a nice person would do will happen.
Dont forget your ex's lying, in the name of recovery, we shouldnt date babe.... only to find him dating others. The lies continue, the same self continues, and if anything, has gotten WORST.
The stage after sobriety is not a waking up turning into a butterfly, its really waking up in the COMA after some pretty serious body damage being hit by a truck. On the outside, the skin will become healthier as the alcohol fades. But inside, it is very much like that.
Lets not forget him waking up with a teenage mindset, thinking logic is an impossibility.
Dont be swayed by a nice hello and nice voice sounding so healthy, it is him at his very best! Afterall, he will want to prove to you he isnt a loser. And he's not... but he thinks 6 months sober means he's an amazing man now... really, he's waken up in the coma broken, and it will take a long time to walk straight again.
Just helping to remind you, cause I forget all these things all too easily. All the BOTHER that happens when she is around is gone, I can only see the love I had for her now... I know once she steps back in my life, all the BOTHER or "choas" you call it, will cover up the love and be much worst then the love is worth.
Take care yourself, best wishes always
Sorry my posting is so long.... as far as his birthday, he will be fine. He can have his new dates say it to him, and remind himself he's lying for the name of recovery.
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Though he called you on Mother's Day, did he call you any other time? Why does a person need a reminder to keep in touch? You calling him will leave the door open for you and probably you only. It's kind of you, but you admit to having a motive.
What is it you want him to remember? That you're still out there waiting for him. You said 1 year. Give it that time. Even a call or a card from you could cause him problems. Not being a BI*** here, but he needs to get cleaned up in more ways than the booze.
What is it you want him to remember? That you're still out there waiting for him. You said 1 year. Give it that time. Even a call or a card from you could cause him problems. Not being a BI*** here, but he needs to get cleaned up in more ways than the booze.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Thank you for all the posts... I need them.
Gelfling how could a B-Day card cause him problems.... I would think a nice card would do the opposite, I would think it would say Hi, yes I remember your B-Day and hope it finds you well?? No he has not called me any other time.
I love him, therefore I do want him to remember that there is someone out there that thinks about him, somehow I thought this would be a good thing instead of ignoring him.
Gelfling how could a B-Day card cause him problems.... I would think a nice card would do the opposite, I would think it would say Hi, yes I remember your B-Day and hope it finds you well?? No he has not called me any other time.
I love him, therefore I do want him to remember that there is someone out there that thinks about him, somehow I thought this would be a good thing instead of ignoring him.
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
In the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous it says if a person thinks they can still control thier drinking they should go out and do some more, take just 1 and stop.
Sending him a card is exactly the same..its not letting go.
Sending it is not about him, its about your desire to hold on to a possibility things will be different. It will hurt you, giving false hope, holding onto that thread.
So, go ahead and send it and see how you feel. If you dont get an emotional "hangover" (Thinking "I wonder if he got it, or Wonder if hes gonna call me after he gets it" or similar) then youve let go,,if not,,,then you havent.
Sending him a card is exactly the same..its not letting go.
Sending it is not about him, its about your desire to hold on to a possibility things will be different. It will hurt you, giving false hope, holding onto that thread.
So, go ahead and send it and see how you feel. If you dont get an emotional "hangover" (Thinking "I wonder if he got it, or Wonder if hes gonna call me after he gets it" or similar) then youve let go,,if not,,,then you havent.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Marysville Ohio
Posts: 34
The responses you would expect are those of a normal person(without addiction problems) a rational unaddicted person has different buttons than an addict. I recommend sending a card through the mail. That is a nice thoughtful thing to do, and will make you feel good, it may also make him feel good, but a phone call will leave you open to a response etc. Leave it at that. God Bless.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 491
Wow FriendOfBills. Thanks for that. I'm learning a lot from this thread myself!
Cynay, I think these people really have it down... please hang in there, be strong... I think by letting him still spin in your head and allowing yourself to reach out, you are only preparing for a pretty big crash in your life in the mist of this calm you have found for now....
I believe you are preparing to injure yourself, I know you want to reach out, I feel it all the time to be honest. But last time, or two, or 50th tries I always got hurt. I only have myself to blame, when they dont react with gratitude or appreciative or even seem to care for your kindness, it hurts.
Cynay, I think these people really have it down... please hang in there, be strong... I think by letting him still spin in your head and allowing yourself to reach out, you are only preparing for a pretty big crash in your life in the mist of this calm you have found for now....
I believe you are preparing to injure yourself, I know you want to reach out, I feel it all the time to be honest. But last time, or two, or 50th tries I always got hurt. I only have myself to blame, when they dont react with gratitude or appreciative or even seem to care for your kindness, it hurts.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
You make good points... all of you.
I have time to think about this.... and I think I will do just that, think some more about it. On the one hand I dont want him to feel the way he makes me feel... Like how can it mean so little that he fogot all about me. If given the choice I would prefer him to know I care, but realize its a harmful relationship to us both and we need to be seperate.
On the other hand, I dont want to take steps back backward for me. I still struggle thinking about him all the time, wondering etc. Im getting better at seeing things for what they really were, Im getting better and understanding his disease and my part in it and the last thing I want to do is open for more hurt.
If he did call after receiving the card I dont think I would pick it up, I really dont want to talk to him, I just dont want to hear more lies, chaos and the issues he has...
I have time to think about this.... and I think I will do just that, think some more about it. On the one hand I dont want him to feel the way he makes me feel... Like how can it mean so little that he fogot all about me. If given the choice I would prefer him to know I care, but realize its a harmful relationship to us both and we need to be seperate.
On the other hand, I dont want to take steps back backward for me. I still struggle thinking about him all the time, wondering etc. Im getting better at seeing things for what they really were, Im getting better and understanding his disease and my part in it and the last thing I want to do is open for more hurt.
If he did call after receiving the card I dont think I would pick it up, I really dont want to talk to him, I just dont want to hear more lies, chaos and the issues he has...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
Cynay,
I went through so much of what you are going through right now..My exABF didn't even have the courtesy of calling me to break up..he just didn't call..when he hadn't heard from me in two weeks..he sent an email asking if there was anything to pick up..anyway I waited until AFTER his birthday to call him to see we were over...
In the 8 months we have been apart I have called him exactly 1 time (he has called a few times..until he found his girlfriend..) The one time was when I bumped into him on the streets of Scottsdale..he told me his dad was in the hospital..even then I waited a week to call him.
BIG MISTAKE...that's when he HAD to tell me he was in love..
he called two weeks ago..some excuse he wanted to ask me about a trip but I didn't call back..
I've just decided to let go..He hasn't forgotten me in 8 months..I know that..but he's not changed so I don't need the chaos and toxicity in my life..
I went through so much of what you are going through right now..My exABF didn't even have the courtesy of calling me to break up..he just didn't call..when he hadn't heard from me in two weeks..he sent an email asking if there was anything to pick up..anyway I waited until AFTER his birthday to call him to see we were over...
In the 8 months we have been apart I have called him exactly 1 time (he has called a few times..until he found his girlfriend..) The one time was when I bumped into him on the streets of Scottsdale..he told me his dad was in the hospital..even then I waited a week to call him.
BIG MISTAKE...that's when he HAD to tell me he was in love..
he called two weeks ago..some excuse he wanted to ask me about a trip but I didn't call back..
I've just decided to let go..He hasn't forgotten me in 8 months..I know that..but he's not changed so I don't need the chaos and toxicity in my life..
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
I think it is interesting that he called on mothers day do you have children with him? Or, does he think of you as a mother figure? If you and he do not have children it seems kinda odd that Mother Day would be the day he thought of you.....
Also a card from you could establish in his mind that you are wearing down and not sticking with your deal for a year apart...Onething I have learned is if I set a boundry with an addict I need to keep it cause if I don't they will find a way to send a hurricane thru my life...again...
Also a card from you could establish in his mind that you are wearing down and not sticking with your deal for a year apart...Onething I have learned is if I set a boundry with an addict I need to keep it cause if I don't they will find a way to send a hurricane thru my life...again...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Ahhh splendra another good point I had not thought of, No we do not have children together... I have a daughter but not with him... I thought it odd at the time too.
He knows nothing about my boundries since I have not talked to him since I made them, he just stoped calling and I did not pursue... but your right they can send a hurricane very quick.
Im sure he has not changed much since seeing him in March and I dont really want to know how he is doing cuz I dont want to focus on him in my life more then I already do..
Friend you have a very good point too.... wonder if Im afraid of the answer, I dont think I would expect anything but to feel better knowing I sent the card... but I dont know that for sure unless I send it.... hurmm
He knows nothing about my boundries since I have not talked to him since I made them, he just stoped calling and I did not pursue... but your right they can send a hurricane very quick.
Im sure he has not changed much since seeing him in March and I dont really want to know how he is doing cuz I dont want to focus on him in my life more then I already do..
Friend you have a very good point too.... wonder if Im afraid of the answer, I dont think I would expect anything but to feel better knowing I sent the card... but I dont know that for sure unless I send it.... hurmm
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
