angelgirl

Hi there jcw. So happy you found SR. I really hope your wife posts and reads here. People here are wonderful.
I read a post of yours, your wife is coming home tonight from treatment? I think that is what I read.
You sound like wonderful man. Your wife is very, very lucky to have you. I'm sure she knows that, and I'm sure she is very grateful for you. I know I am sooo grateful that I have a wonderful husband that I have put through this addiction hell. He has stood by me through the bills, the detoxes, lying, embarrasment, and a long list of other things, I am not proud of. He stayed through it all, even when it would have been easier for him to leave. I love him so much, and am so grateful for him!!
I was using pain meds for over 4 years. I had a few detox's. and a few treatments. I don't know your wifes story, but I do know that it is a very difficult disease. Took me alot before I came to the point of truly surrendering myself. I hope you go get help for yourself. You will need it as much as your wife needs it. I know when I came home from treatment, even with detoxing at the hospital, you have some longer term withdrawls, and she will really need some outside help, but you will need outside help also, so you can understand what she is going through, and how to take care of YOURSELF, which in turn, also helps your wife. She may have cravings and using dreams (drug dreams). That seem more like nightmares.
It's truly a long road. My huisband went to some OPEN NA meetings with me in the beginning, it really helps, if she wants you to go, I think it put him at ease to know what goes on at the meetings, and also to see that she is going through and that what she is going through is not different than what others have gone through. If there is any nar-anon meetings in your area, they help you alot too. We don't have any in my area. My husband also went a couple of times with me to see my drug counselor, which really helped him alot. I also had a family day at one of my day treatments, and he came to that, and really learned alot there.
Like I said, I don't know your story at all, maybe you know all of this already, I am taking a shot in the dark, witht he info. I gave you, because I don't know if you have been through any of this in the past. I hope what I said helps you, in any way.
What I am really trying to tell you with all of my rambling here, is that please get help, for you and her, when she comes home. I know I needed alot of help. Treatment is great, but suddenly you are home from treatment, and if you don't have an aftercare plan when you leave, well it is easy to go back to using again. I hope also that you and your wife post here at SR. What a blessing this site, and these people are!!! So much support here.
I will pray for you and your wife. I know this advice was not asked for, but i hope it helps you. Keep us posted. Have a nice night. Kiss your wife and tell her how much you love her, it's kind of a scary world, when you first leave the safety of a treatment center. Love, Becky

angelgirl

I'm sorry, looks like you have been here or a while. Sorry if I told you things you already knew. I just read what you had written to me in another thread, and went with it. I feel stupid now. Sorry, I still think you are a wonderful person. Anyone who sticks with an addict through all we put you guys through, is truly a saint Love, becky

jcw1964

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NO need to be sorry. It is good to hear it more than once. I have been going to al-anon and CoDa (code dependants anonymous) meetings for several months and really strong for serveral weeks. It has helped tremendously. This site has helped tremendously also. She went in for a 23 hour assessment. They told her that she would then go into out patient treatment. They changed their minds. Now they want her to go to inpatient treatment. She liked the sessions with the other patients but the way that the staff treated the patients was not good. She is going to call her doctor tomorrow and see what else can be done. We have another treatment facility in town, they have already accepted her for outpatient so she may end up there.
Not sure how it is going to shake out. I think that I may be too trusting. I dont want to be manipulated again. But I want to trust her. She is acting normal. She isnt acting like she was last weekend.
I dont know what I am going to do. I have to balance her finding her own recovery path and me being confortable with her recovery path. Not sure how to reconcile that.
Sorry to ramble. I need a meeting.
THanks
Jeff

tyler

I've found that an inpatient program is really the way to go if staying straight been a continuing problem. If nothing else you get a break from the pills or whatever and some time to just work on yourself. I was never successful with outpatient, as I was one to hide my use, quite successfuly I might add, from everyone. I would go along with the classes and get high on the way home. Not saying your wife will do this, just my experience. You are not going to like the way the staff treats you just about anywhere you go because they have to treat you like a drug addict because.......uh you are one!! I know you said she has a bit of a problem with acceptance, this could be part of the issue with staff.....or they could just be a-holes!!! That happens sometimes too!! Hope some of this helps, wishin ya'll good thoughts.

angelgirl

Thanks for responding, even though I messed up.
Sounds like you have been through this before then? I am a bit confused about what you meant about last weekend. You mean she seems clean? Off the drugs? Has she been to this treatment center before? Or did she decide in 23 hours that the staff wasn't treating her right? I hope for you that she is serious. I just know it took me 5 detox's, and about 4 treatments. I know that it doesn't take veryone that many, but I also know that I was in detox with people that had relapsed and been in the hospital 15 or more times. It just takes some longer, everyone is different. I do know that if I would have found this sitewhen I went to my first detox., or know what i know now, I may have worked harder than I did before. Maybe I would have relapsed just as many times, but I believe what I found on these boards, and thru the people here at SR, it really helped me, maybe just as much as anything else I did to stay clean.
I am just really happy I am clean today. I also feel it must be really, really difficult for family members, who watch an addict (me) relapse over and over. I bet a few of them would just have liked to slap me up side the head, because it has to be so hard for them. I feel bad for all the damage I caused them. I know I will work thru that in NA, with the steps. I can't fix what I did, but I can apologize.
Sorry, I am rambling again... I hope all works out for you. Please keep us posted, we all learn so much from eachother. Remeber what she does is not intensional, she doesn't mean to hurt anyone, saying that, I also believe we need to find recovery as soon as we can, and become responsible for our recovery. I'm sure my husband thought at moments (although he never said it to me) that life would have been better if he wasn't dealing with the crap I was causing, but I also believe right now, he is happy he stuck with me.
God bless you and your wife. Please let us know how it is going. Love, Becky

jcw1964

You didnt mess up.
She bought valium last week and was in denial that it was a problem for a newly (34 days) recovering addict to have an unprescribed valium bottle. SHe wouldnt go to our therapist cause she knew that he would tell her that she was wrong. She left and tried to OD on sleeping pills. She said that she was drug free and would let me go to her doctors visit on Monday. Well she was acting totally stoned all weekend and I found some valium and sleeping pills in her purse (her sisters said that they took all of them). SHe lied straight to my face about having pills. I confronted her at the doctors appt and she didnt try to deny it. The doc told her that she was missing the problem and that she needed to get help. now. we went straight to the hospital for an assessment. they said that she could have outpatient and she needed to come back for the 23 hour observation period. Well, they changed their mind. I wont go into all of the things that she said the staff did. But they seem quite extreme and not good for recovering addicts. NOt sure what to think of that yet
Trying to trust and protect myself at the same time
I agree that she needs treatment. Not sure if she needs inpatient but that is what the doctors say. I guess I just dont want to be away from her for that long. but that isnt a good reason to not want her in inpatient. I know that
I hope I can sort through my motives.
I want her to get the help she needs. She is not going to agree to in patient.
Any thoughts?

Thanks
jeff

angelgirl

Hi, first I wanted to say I have 34 days clean. Neat.
The last detox I went to they wanted me to stay. I did not stay, they were very angry with me, and said some nasty things. That's what they do. I had all my aftercare worked out already, I had outpatient all set up. I was going in the day after i got home. But I had already gone through their treatment program 2 times ( I detoxed there several times, but did their 2 week treatment 2 times, I did treatment, and relapse prevention) so I wanted to do out patient. I get more from the help in NA, and all the outpatient treatment, counselers, and so on, here at home. My counselora here in town agreed it was the right thing for ME to do. Besides, I had decided to leave, and that's what I was doing, had my mind set, so as bad as it may sound, I would not have gotten all I need if i had stayed. Once I decide something, I can be stubborn. I believe most addicts are that way. At least in the beginning. A character flaw.
I am still happy I made the decision. But, that should not influence you on her staying, or leaving. I had decided I am done, I am surrendering, I am working harder than ever, and I want this so much. If this were one of my first times, and I hadn't gone through all I did, staying would probably have been the best thing for me. It's alot of work. And alot of want. But if yopur wife is being untruthful to you, or was untruthful to you last weekend, maybe she really need the round the clock help, and the time away from drugs that a treatment center can provide.
I also wanted to say, I totally understand your wanting her to be home, I really do, and her wanting to come home, it i sreally hard to have someone away for that long, but also remeber, she really needs help, she was using, and lying to cover it up, is she ready to face life outside yet? Does she need the time away, were she is locked in a place that deals with all the problems she has? Will she get out and use again, and put you both back in this same situation again? I know it's one day at a time, but for this moment, think ahead, to the situation in a year, she will be home, she may be working a program, if she stays, and I do say these are things that she may be doing, if she stays, when she does leave, she is armed with that much more time in treatment, that much more info. she has gained, and more time she has to solely work on drug addiction. but think ahead to if she does not stay?
I also wanted to say that the detox/treatment center that I have gone to over and over does not treat people very well either, but they deal daily with drug addicts, and alcoholics, and they see these same people come and go, and come back, and go, and the cycle is the same for alot of addicts. They are also lied to, and I have seen those nurses and counselors treated vey badly as well. When we are using, us addicts/alcoholics are not the most upstanding citizens, we can be down right difficult. I think they treat us as best they can, the way they think they need to tret us. To help us. I do know, I have been angry at those nurses/doctors/counselors and have not been nice to them on alot more than one occasion. I hope you understand what i am trying to tell you. I am rambling, I know....
Let us know more if it helps, if you want to. Love, becky