what made you stay????
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: northern minnesota
Posts: 269
what made you stay????
i think each of us at some point have had to look back and analyze what made us stay in a relationship that didnt give back any of what we put into it. so why did we stay? was it something they said? or something they did? or just.. that gnawing unnamed belief in seeing that person as they truly are... behind this horrible disease?
i guess for me it was that glimpse of him as he really was. the moments that were beyond the anger, beyond the addiction, beyond the verbal abuse... perhaps it was all denial. but i think we "significant others to alcoholics" have a way of seeing thru to what a person could be, if they cleared out all the bs from their lives.
i guess that is also why i still pray each day for him.
i guess for me it was that glimpse of him as he really was. the moments that were beyond the anger, beyond the addiction, beyond the verbal abuse... perhaps it was all denial. but i think we "significant others to alcoholics" have a way of seeing thru to what a person could be, if they cleared out all the bs from their lives.
i guess that is also why i still pray each day for him.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 346
Naive', naive', naive', then some form of denial which I'm certain most of us go through.
I would say that the bulk of my experience was not that I was in true denial, but that people around me, in one of the many facets I was experiencing, told me that "when the stepkids are gone.........""When the former debt was paid.................""When you've survived the first year.........""When you've survived 5 years in a blended household............"
........"When hell froze over................."
So, I've paid my dues. Now reward me or call it quits and be good with it.
I would say that the bulk of my experience was not that I was in true denial, but that people around me, in one of the many facets I was experiencing, told me that "when the stepkids are gone.........""When the former debt was paid.................""When you've survived the first year.........""When you've survived 5 years in a blended household............"
........"When hell froze over................."
So, I've paid my dues. Now reward me or call it quits and be good with it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
Words, words, some actions, words words..
Each time he made some improvements...
FEAR...fear of being alone. fear of the pain I knew I would have to go through..
Love
Hope
And yes..his true self..there are some things about him that I probably won't find in anyone else..those things..I truely miss.
Each time he made some improvements...
FEAR...fear of being alone. fear of the pain I knew I would have to go through..
Love
Hope
And yes..his true self..there are some things about him that I probably won't find in anyone else..those things..I truely miss.
Putting it all together
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: St. Louis, MO.
Posts: 469
Originally Posted by quietsins
i think each of us at some point have had to look back and analyze what made us stay in a relationship that didnt give back any of what we put into it. so why did we stay? was it something they said? or something they did? or just.. that gnawing unnamed belief in seeing that person as they truly are... behind this horrible disease?
i guess for me it was that glimpse of him as he really was. the moments that were beyond the anger, beyond the addiction, beyond the verbal abuse... perhaps it was all denial. but i think we "significant others to alcoholics" have a way of seeing thru to what a person could be, if they cleared out all the bs from their lives.
i guess that is also why i still pray each day for him.
i guess for me it was that glimpse of him as he really was. the moments that were beyond the anger, beyond the addiction, beyond the verbal abuse... perhaps it was all denial. but i think we "significant others to alcoholics" have a way of seeing thru to what a person could be, if they cleared out all the bs from their lives.
i guess that is also why i still pray each day for him.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
I stay for one very simple reason. The good out weighs the bad. If I made two lists the good one would be very long and the bad very short. And it is not based on emotion.
It wasn't always that way either. There was a time when I viewed things though different eyes.
Hugs,
JT
It wasn't always that way either. There was a time when I viewed things though different eyes.
Hugs,
JT
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Amen JT. That's it for me too!
There was a time when all I could do was focus on the negative, and wouldn't ever dream of acknowledging all the good that he brought to our relationship. When I decided to change my attitude, I began to see the situation in a might brighter, healthier light. Yes, he still lies and manipulates situations so he can go and get drunk, but I recognize now that I have a choice to seperate from that. I don't HAVE to participate in that part of his life, and instead, I can go and do something that's good for me.
That being said, we don't have issues like infidelity and physical abuse... those would most certainly be deal breakers for me! I know my boundaries and what I will and won't accept and that really helps me keep a level head when evaluating our day to day interactions.
There was a time when all I could do was focus on the negative, and wouldn't ever dream of acknowledging all the good that he brought to our relationship. When I decided to change my attitude, I began to see the situation in a might brighter, healthier light. Yes, he still lies and manipulates situations so he can go and get drunk, but I recognize now that I have a choice to seperate from that. I don't HAVE to participate in that part of his life, and instead, I can go and do something that's good for me.
That being said, we don't have issues like infidelity and physical abuse... those would most certainly be deal breakers for me! I know my boundaries and what I will and won't accept and that really helps me keep a level head when evaluating our day to day interactions.
Let go and let God
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: illinois
Posts: 116
Originally Posted by GettingBy
Amen JT. That's it for me too!
There was a time when all I could do was focus on the negative, and wouldn't ever dream of acknowledging all the good that he brought to our relationship. When I decided to change my attitude, I began to see the situation in a might brighter, healthier light. Yes, he still lies and manipulates situations so he can go and get drunk, but I recognize now that I have a choice to seperate from that. I don't HAVE to participate in that part of his life, and instead, I can go and do something that's good for me.
That being said, we don't have issues like infidelity and physical abuse... those would most certainly be deal breakers for me! I know my boundaries and what I will and won't accept and that really helps me keep a level head when evaluating our day to day interactions.
There was a time when all I could do was focus on the negative, and wouldn't ever dream of acknowledging all the good that he brought to our relationship. When I decided to change my attitude, I began to see the situation in a might brighter, healthier light. Yes, he still lies and manipulates situations so he can go and get drunk, but I recognize now that I have a choice to seperate from that. I don't HAVE to participate in that part of his life, and instead, I can go and do something that's good for me.
That being said, we don't have issues like infidelity and physical abuse... those would most certainly be deal breakers for me! I know my boundaries and what I will and won't accept and that really helps me keep a level head when evaluating our day to day interactions.
Thanks
Jeff
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
Originally Posted by Minx1969
Words, words, some actions, words words..
Each time he made some improvements...
FEAR...fear of being alone. fear of the pain I knew I would have to go through..
Love
Hope
And yes..his true self..there are some things about him that I probably won't find in anyone else..those things..I truely miss.
Each time he made some improvements...
FEAR...fear of being alone. fear of the pain I knew I would have to go through..
Love
Hope
And yes..his true self..there are some things about him that I probably won't find in anyone else..those things..I truely miss.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
I'm with JT!! But in my case there is emotion in the equation too. He really is my best friend, his support is often practical but also emotional.
At our wedding reception we were turning a battery powered, white fluffy bunny into a horror bunny (we had a Monty Python theme). D and I were giving it a bloody mouth and making it a muzzle from stuff on the table. D's mum nearly died laughing because of how we worked together - she said it was like watching twins.
We held each other in our hearts through nearly a decade apart, both in our own way. I suppose I will stay because of it being a thing that should be, because it feels like favourite slippers, like music that makes you start singing without realising it.
At our wedding reception we were turning a battery powered, white fluffy bunny into a horror bunny (we had a Monty Python theme). D and I were giving it a bloody mouth and making it a muzzle from stuff on the table. D's mum nearly died laughing because of how we worked together - she said it was like watching twins.
We held each other in our hearts through nearly a decade apart, both in our own way. I suppose I will stay because of it being a thing that should be, because it feels like favourite slippers, like music that makes you start singing without realising it.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Jeff,
I don't think that's being niave. I think as long as you know what it important to you, and what you will and won't accept, and you don't let your mate treat you like a doormat... then God bless you for being so forgiving! Hanging on to resentments and old harms does nothing but fill your heart and soul with hatred and anger. You end up spending every day living in the past and fearing for the future... and are therefore not enjoying the PRESENT!
Having hope is one of God's greatest gifts. I'm happy that it comes so naturally for you, others like me have to pray for it daily! I have to continually remind myself of the good/happy times. So which would you rather have? Live a happy hopeful life that you enjoy every day, or a negative fearful life that is filled with what ifs? Me, I'd take the happy hopeful one everytime!
I may or may not hit a bottom... maybe I've already hit it, maybe that was only half-way (I really hope not though 'cuz it sucked!), but as long as I live to enjoy today, then I don't waste time worry about the what ifs!
The fact that you are here means that you are being realistic about the situation. You acknowledge there is a problem, and are trying to get a better understanding for YOU. None of that sounds like niavity to me!
:-) Shannon
I don't think that's being niave. I think as long as you know what it important to you, and what you will and won't accept, and you don't let your mate treat you like a doormat... then God bless you for being so forgiving! Hanging on to resentments and old harms does nothing but fill your heart and soul with hatred and anger. You end up spending every day living in the past and fearing for the future... and are therefore not enjoying the PRESENT!
Having hope is one of God's greatest gifts. I'm happy that it comes so naturally for you, others like me have to pray for it daily! I have to continually remind myself of the good/happy times. So which would you rather have? Live a happy hopeful life that you enjoy every day, or a negative fearful life that is filled with what ifs? Me, I'd take the happy hopeful one everytime!
I may or may not hit a bottom... maybe I've already hit it, maybe that was only half-way (I really hope not though 'cuz it sucked!), but as long as I live to enjoy today, then I don't waste time worry about the what ifs!
The fact that you are here means that you are being realistic about the situation. You acknowledge there is a problem, and are trying to get a better understanding for YOU. None of that sounds like niavity to me!
:-) Shannon
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Ashland City, TN
Posts: 28
I stay for other reasons. I have a handicapped child that is very bad shape. I can't lift him anymore and I can't do the day to day things for him. I'm the career mom and he's the stay at home step dad. Part of me feels like I'm using him but part of me does love him. He stays home keeps the house clean (somewhat) and I work 2 jobs to pay the numerous medical bills that I have. I've tried very hard to figure out a way that I could juggle a career and be able to take care of my son's needs but can't figure anything out. I sometimes want to walk away from everything but none of this is my son's fault and I can't imagine life without him. My sanity is that I found this site and have met some really nice people here.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
FOB -
The improvements..I honestly think that is what kept me hooked..he is honestly a sweetheart in some ways and I really do miss him every day..I have regrets..he offered to go to a therapist one time but I didn't push it (his dad was diagnosed with cancer so I didn't want to stress him some more..)
Anyway, he's with someone else..
The improvements..I honestly think that is what kept me hooked..he is honestly a sweetheart in some ways and I really do miss him every day..I have regrets..he offered to go to a therapist one time but I didn't push it (his dad was diagnosed with cancer so I didn't want to stress him some more..)
Anyway, he's with someone else..
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 491
At the time, I did not know who I really am, didnt know myself, my maturity level still low and my codependancy high. I got my feeling of SELF judged by how beautiful a girlfriend I have... thus when I was without one, I started going crazy as I constantly wonder if people are judging me for not having anyone love me.
But looking back, a lot of it was low self esteem, low sense of SELF, insecurity, desperate, allowed myself to take abuse or disrespect from anyone, didnt have the concept of you train people how to treat you philosophy.
This isnt the case anymore... I've grown a lot since then and I love it. I can tell as I dont have this insecurity, desperate feeling or insanity to purchase things to try to fill some kind of empty void inside me. I dont feel the need to desperately ask a girl out to replace the missing. I'm enjoying life, the free time, and building up on myself. I'm meeting people, I'm seeing the world, and I'm going to do my research on what I want before accepting anyone that comes my way.
I am looking forward to building myself up so much, that I cant wait to see what life may offer after I become even stronger in every way!
But looking back, a lot of it was low self esteem, low sense of SELF, insecurity, desperate, allowed myself to take abuse or disrespect from anyone, didnt have the concept of you train people how to treat you philosophy.
This isnt the case anymore... I've grown a lot since then and I love it. I can tell as I dont have this insecurity, desperate feeling or insanity to purchase things to try to fill some kind of empty void inside me. I dont feel the need to desperately ask a girl out to replace the missing. I'm enjoying life, the free time, and building up on myself. I'm meeting people, I'm seeing the world, and I'm going to do my research on what I want before accepting anyone that comes my way.
I am looking forward to building myself up so much, that I cant wait to see what life may offer after I become even stronger in every way!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Northern VA
Posts: 82
I stayed because I had faith that my AH would get better. That lasted for about a year and then my faith died and I gave up. The day I gave up (literally - I changed the locks and told him it was over) was the day he decided to change. Had he not changed, I would have left.
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