7months of marriage over!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Verona, Ky
Posts: 11
7months of marriage over!
I wonder if there is anyone out there with a similiar situation. My daughter went to the lawyer yesterday to start the divorce papers. She was married only 5 months when her new husband admitted to using cocaine since before the wedding and taking on a girlfriend since. The girlfriend part did my daughter in! But, she is struggling with her decisions. She wants the marriage that she thought she had. We are all so depressed over the situation and watching our daughter go through the pain, well it's just terrible. Financially, the wedding gift money went to paying his bills! She is struggling to stay above water and he is sinking. She knows she needs to get on with her life but wants him to get help and straighten up. This isn't the first time as 2 years ago she went to AA meetings with him because he was drinking. Any stories of moving on shortly after the wedding vows? Is there a light at the end of th tunnel?
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
I have been hemming and hawwing about posting a response... and so here goes my best effort.
I am in the same situation as your daughter. We got married in October '04, after 4 years of dating and living together. I had plenty of time to figure out that there was a drinking problem. I had even identified it on several occasions, but I still chose to marry my husband. I guess I did it because I thought getting married would change him, but it didn't (no surprise there).
About 3 months ago I had "enough" and decided that I wanted a better life that sitting at home alone on Friday nights while he went out and got drunk with other "fun" women. I wanted a divorce, I wanted out, I wanted to punish him, etc. Instead, I went to Al-anon. I guess I went because I knew that I had some big decisions that I wanted to make and I was in NO condition to make them.
Al-anon has saved my life and it's given me hope. I'm still with my husband, and he's still very much drinking. But I'm working on putting "me" back together. I'm focusing on me, and what my needs are. I now know what it means to "not accept the unacceptable!" I don't know what is going to come of our marriage. I haven't thought much about a divorce b/c I'm too busy making myself happy. If the marriage is going to end, then I will at least be healthier and stronger when it happens!
What's more important is that Al-anon has given me a ton of tools to help deal with very common problems and personality issues. It helps me to see that there is a better, healthier way to deal with the situations that arise with addicts. A change in my attitude has brought a wealth of change to the overall situation!
The light isn't at the end of the tunnel... it's all along the tunnel! One day at a time because recovery isn't a destination, it's a journey! I really hope your daughter can reach out to a meeting, maybe you can offer to go with her?
Much love,
Shannon
I am in the same situation as your daughter. We got married in October '04, after 4 years of dating and living together. I had plenty of time to figure out that there was a drinking problem. I had even identified it on several occasions, but I still chose to marry my husband. I guess I did it because I thought getting married would change him, but it didn't (no surprise there).
About 3 months ago I had "enough" and decided that I wanted a better life that sitting at home alone on Friday nights while he went out and got drunk with other "fun" women. I wanted a divorce, I wanted out, I wanted to punish him, etc. Instead, I went to Al-anon. I guess I went because I knew that I had some big decisions that I wanted to make and I was in NO condition to make them.
Al-anon has saved my life and it's given me hope. I'm still with my husband, and he's still very much drinking. But I'm working on putting "me" back together. I'm focusing on me, and what my needs are. I now know what it means to "not accept the unacceptable!" I don't know what is going to come of our marriage. I haven't thought much about a divorce b/c I'm too busy making myself happy. If the marriage is going to end, then I will at least be healthier and stronger when it happens!
What's more important is that Al-anon has given me a ton of tools to help deal with very common problems and personality issues. It helps me to see that there is a better, healthier way to deal with the situations that arise with addicts. A change in my attitude has brought a wealth of change to the overall situation!
The light isn't at the end of the tunnel... it's all along the tunnel! One day at a time because recovery isn't a destination, it's a journey! I really hope your daughter can reach out to a meeting, maybe you can offer to go with her?
Much love,
Shannon
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
I guess I should add that I'm not at all suggesting that your daughter stay in the marriage. The emphasize of my point is that your daughter needs to focus on her needs and getting herself healthy/happy!
:-) Shannon
:-) Shannon
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
Welcome!
Are you old enough to remember the old TV drama Naked City? Do you remember the opening?
"There are a million stories in the naked city, this is just one of them"
Each story is unique yet they often have a common thread...someone we love is addicted to some substance and because of who we are, we find ourselves caught up in their drama.
I strongly urge your daughter to attend al-alon. She needs to learn all she can not only about his problem but more importantly about herself! She needs tools and knowledge to make informed decisions. And while you as her mother can love and support her, most of this journey is hers alone.
If you read through the "stickies" at the top of this forum and through the many stories here, you'll be amazed at how common our mutual problems are.
She is not alone, nor are you. ((((KyGram2))))
Are you old enough to remember the old TV drama Naked City? Do you remember the opening?
"There are a million stories in the naked city, this is just one of them"
Each story is unique yet they often have a common thread...someone we love is addicted to some substance and because of who we are, we find ourselves caught up in their drama.
I strongly urge your daughter to attend al-alon. She needs to learn all she can not only about his problem but more importantly about herself! She needs tools and knowledge to make informed decisions. And while you as her mother can love and support her, most of this journey is hers alone.
If you read through the "stickies" at the top of this forum and through the many stories here, you'll be amazed at how common our mutual problems are.
She is not alone, nor are you. ((((KyGram2))))
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
What an unfortunate situation.
I will briefly tell you my story. I have known my AH since I was 15. We didn't date until I was 29. I knew he had a drinking problem all this time. I married him anyway and now, 16 years later, I wish I would have listened to my intuition and my girlfriends who all knew he was an alcoholic.
We have had some good times, but many bad. I hoped having children would help him. I hoped me being the "good" wife would help him. My hopes and dreams for life with my addict have been shattered. I have lived with it for almost 18 years, and this past 3 1/2 years have been horrible.
It was about 9 years ago when he first decided to go to rehab. So, the first 8 years we were together he drank most of the time. Then he became a "binge" drinker. Drinking excessively, morning, noon and night for a couple weeks at a time, then he would be hospitalized, and stay sober for a few months. This pattern went on for about 5 years, then an almost tragic car accident with our children. Then he became addicted to narcotics for pain.
So, here I am 17 years later, really wishing I would have made a different choice back then. Of course, I have two beautiful children that I never would have had.
All I can say is, if she decides to stay, she should wait and see if he is capable of a pattern of change. Yes, a pattern, for like a year or so. I know when you are in love, especially young love, this may sound like an eternity. But, I wish I would have demanded a pattern of change a long time ago, then if he is incapable, moving on.
I am demanding one right now and looks like I am to be divorced in mid-June.
I know some addicts that have recovered. I wouldn't want you to think that it is impossible, as I can think of some who are the dearest, kindest, most-giving, caring people I have ever met in my life. What is so sad, is I know deep in my heart, my AH could be one of those successful recovery stories. But, his addiction has such a hold on him.
Time, time, time. If it makes her feel better, she doesn't have to get divorced today. She doesn't have to make a decision today. But I think it is best if she look for a pattern of change from him before returning to "business as usual."
Take care.
I will briefly tell you my story. I have known my AH since I was 15. We didn't date until I was 29. I knew he had a drinking problem all this time. I married him anyway and now, 16 years later, I wish I would have listened to my intuition and my girlfriends who all knew he was an alcoholic.
We have had some good times, but many bad. I hoped having children would help him. I hoped me being the "good" wife would help him. My hopes and dreams for life with my addict have been shattered. I have lived with it for almost 18 years, and this past 3 1/2 years have been horrible.
It was about 9 years ago when he first decided to go to rehab. So, the first 8 years we were together he drank most of the time. Then he became a "binge" drinker. Drinking excessively, morning, noon and night for a couple weeks at a time, then he would be hospitalized, and stay sober for a few months. This pattern went on for about 5 years, then an almost tragic car accident with our children. Then he became addicted to narcotics for pain.
So, here I am 17 years later, really wishing I would have made a different choice back then. Of course, I have two beautiful children that I never would have had.
All I can say is, if she decides to stay, she should wait and see if he is capable of a pattern of change. Yes, a pattern, for like a year or so. I know when you are in love, especially young love, this may sound like an eternity. But, I wish I would have demanded a pattern of change a long time ago, then if he is incapable, moving on.
I am demanding one right now and looks like I am to be divorced in mid-June.
I know some addicts that have recovered. I wouldn't want you to think that it is impossible, as I can think of some who are the dearest, kindest, most-giving, caring people I have ever met in my life. What is so sad, is I know deep in my heart, my AH could be one of those successful recovery stories. But, his addiction has such a hold on him.
Time, time, time. If it makes her feel better, she doesn't have to get divorced today. She doesn't have to make a decision today. But I think it is best if she look for a pattern of change from him before returning to "business as usual."
Take care.
Let go and let God
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: illinois
Posts: 116
Originally Posted by GettingBy
I guess I should add that I'm not at all suggesting that your daughter stay in the marriage. The emphasize of my point is that your daughter needs to focus on her needs and getting herself healthy/happy!
:-) Shannon
:-) Shannon
Focusing on her needs and getting herself healthy and happy!!!!!!!
Gets her started off on the right foot.
Thanks
Jeff
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
The deal breaker for me is the infidelity. Also your daughter is going to live a life of hell while he is using cocaine, he may never stop and just take her down with him.
7 months or not it may an idea to go to Alanon and move on.
Ngaire
7 months or not it may an idea to go to Alanon and move on.
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: over the rainbow
Posts: 487
if she is motivated enough to get a divorce now, she is probably on the right track-following her best instincts. she could still benefit from al-anon even if she is divorcing him- they can give her the support she needs to get through her situation. if he ever straightens up maybe they could get back together at a later date. but i would say cut bait and run as well!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Verona, Ky
Posts: 11
Thank you so much! All of you! I woke up this morning and I felt very down. This thread has given me the help I needed today. You are all so kind and giving. Thanks for sharing. This is what we all need to get through such a painful, life changing situation. My husband had said all along "With Mike, what you see is what you get". That was until we found out that what we got were lies and deceit. My husband quit drinking 17 years ago. He is a wonderful husband and father. Maybe that's why this is so difficult for us. My daughter also saw the good in Mike and wanted to help him reach for the stars. Now she is trying to keep her head above water. You are right. We need to find a meeting place. I'll check it out today. Have a wonderful day!
Lots of Love,
Dawn
Lots of Love,
Dawn
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