Is this part of my recovery? Or part of my problem.
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Is this part of my recovery? Or part of my problem.
Ok... something that I have been thinking about alot lately and wanted to bounce off everyone. Is this another part of recovery? or was it part of my enabling.
Since getting out more and seeing people (no relationship but dating) I have noticed the huge difference on how men respond to me compared to my ex-ABF... Now I know its different cuz its new, heck when he and I were new it was wonderful but some of my thoughts are headed this way.
Now 6 months later I have to wonder why I allowed him to treat me that way, with complete lack of respect. The things he did really were awful, the things he said were hurtful, before he quit drinking the staying out all night and not returning calls, the numerous breakups with me so he could sleep with someone else, the cold shoulder he would give me emotionally/physically MY WORD it really was shabby treatment. Was I enabling him by making it seem not so bad or have I just grown enough in my recovery to see and admit that YES it really was bad.
Even when he quite drinking, the treatment was bad. To say a person is the most important person in your life, then two weeks later say Im not in love with you, give you 500 dollars and tell you and your 15 year old to find another place 2 weeks before Christmas is REALLY bad. In March we started talking again.... it was more of the same, no time for me ... fit me in between AA meetings and his friends, to ask me out and then it be to a meeting and with his friends again, to walk away from me when I confess my hurt and need to set boundries.... OK .. Im getting it, this IS really bad behavior... I could go on and on.
So the question is .... now that Im seeing/feeling this.... Is that part of my recovery or part of the sickness that makes me co-dependant to accept that type of behavior and even make excuses or mimize it? How is it I could say to him in March .... I forgive you, it was not so bad..... WHEN IT REALLY WAS.
Im starting to think Im getting crazier more then healthy lately... does this make since?? And why is it just now 6 months later that this is coming to me.
Since getting out more and seeing people (no relationship but dating) I have noticed the huge difference on how men respond to me compared to my ex-ABF... Now I know its different cuz its new, heck when he and I were new it was wonderful but some of my thoughts are headed this way.
Now 6 months later I have to wonder why I allowed him to treat me that way, with complete lack of respect. The things he did really were awful, the things he said were hurtful, before he quit drinking the staying out all night and not returning calls, the numerous breakups with me so he could sleep with someone else, the cold shoulder he would give me emotionally/physically MY WORD it really was shabby treatment. Was I enabling him by making it seem not so bad or have I just grown enough in my recovery to see and admit that YES it really was bad.
Even when he quite drinking, the treatment was bad. To say a person is the most important person in your life, then two weeks later say Im not in love with you, give you 500 dollars and tell you and your 15 year old to find another place 2 weeks before Christmas is REALLY bad. In March we started talking again.... it was more of the same, no time for me ... fit me in between AA meetings and his friends, to ask me out and then it be to a meeting and with his friends again, to walk away from me when I confess my hurt and need to set boundries.... OK .. Im getting it, this IS really bad behavior... I could go on and on.
So the question is .... now that Im seeing/feeling this.... Is that part of my recovery or part of the sickness that makes me co-dependant to accept that type of behavior and even make excuses or mimize it? How is it I could say to him in March .... I forgive you, it was not so bad..... WHEN IT REALLY WAS.
Im starting to think Im getting crazier more then healthy lately... does this make since?? And why is it just now 6 months later that this is coming to me.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Part of recovery is recognizing the insanity of where you have been. At the time it seemed "normal" to you, because it was your normal. As you grow in your recovery, you begin to recognize how unhealthy your relationship was and you learn from that and get to a place where you won't allow bad treatment to be tolerated again.
And we have a part in how we allowed ourselves to be treated, and our unhealthy actions and reactions at the time. When I look back at how I responded to my son's addiction, the enabling I did at the time thinking it was love, and how far down I allowed myself to be dragged, it seems like a bad dream. I would not do the same today. Recovery has taught me to look after myself, to respect myself, and to set boundaries on what I will tolerate and not tolerate in my life. Today I know better, so I will do better.
You sound in a pretty healthy place to me. Sure it takes time to see clearly how bad it was, but during that time you have done a lot of healing, grieving, and growing. Now you can learn to live again.
Hugs
Ann
And we have a part in how we allowed ourselves to be treated, and our unhealthy actions and reactions at the time. When I look back at how I responded to my son's addiction, the enabling I did at the time thinking it was love, and how far down I allowed myself to be dragged, it seems like a bad dream. I would not do the same today. Recovery has taught me to look after myself, to respect myself, and to set boundaries on what I will tolerate and not tolerate in my life. Today I know better, so I will do better.
You sound in a pretty healthy place to me. Sure it takes time to see clearly how bad it was, but during that time you have done a lot of healing, grieving, and growing. Now you can learn to live again.
Hugs
Ann
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
This is definately part of our problem:
This is part of the healing:
You're noticing...and I would hope, enjoying some of the differences!
And this is a good thing:
No relationship is good right now.
6 months is not a lot of time to rediscover yourself and work on becoming healthy! How long have you been the way you are? Think of it as we think of getting a degree...while you may not be obtaining a degree in something like business management, you are certainly working on your personal degree in self management, self respect building and life skills. And degrees take time! We learn some, digest it, learn some more...you get the idea.
I suggest keep on keeping on. Go to your al-anon meetings. READ. Work the steps. Meet new people, observe how they interact, watch how couples that seem peaceful and happy interact. Learn!
It's a journey of discovery we're on...one day at a time!
to accept that type of behavior and even make excuses or mimize it
I have noticed the huge difference on how men respond to me compared to my ex-ABF
And this is a good thing:
no relationship but dating
why is it just now 6 months later that this is coming to me
I suggest keep on keeping on. Go to your al-anon meetings. READ. Work the steps. Meet new people, observe how they interact, watch how couples that seem peaceful and happy interact. Learn!
It's a journey of discovery we're on...one day at a time!
Let go and let God
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: illinois
Posts: 116
Cynay,
I think it is a great sign that you are feeling what you are feeling right now. It seems to me that the stronger "we" get (meaning those that are affected by addictive behavior) the more bazaar the previous behavior seems. The more unacceptable the previous behavior is and the more we realize that we dont want the previous behavior. I think you are getting much stronger and able to realize what you want as far as repect and treatment from a loved one. I think that it is also a good sign that you are looking at your own feelings and searching your motives and beliefs. Keep up the good work.
Jeff
I think it is a great sign that you are feeling what you are feeling right now. It seems to me that the stronger "we" get (meaning those that are affected by addictive behavior) the more bazaar the previous behavior seems. The more unacceptable the previous behavior is and the more we realize that we dont want the previous behavior. I think you are getting much stronger and able to realize what you want as far as repect and treatment from a loved one. I think that it is also a good sign that you are looking at your own feelings and searching your motives and beliefs. Keep up the good work.
Jeff
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Wow your welcome CAdrmn... but Im thinking Im getting crazier ....
You know what is even more nuts..... I still love him.
Seeing everything that he did to me, how he tossed me aside even in last march because my "hurt" was causing him too much trouble/guilt, after seeing and feeling how I should be treated... Looking at all of what he had done/did. After thinking about he every friggin day for 6 months... after picking apart the whole of everything....
*sighs* I still love him. Now how crazy is that. I dont respect him, like him, know he is toxic for me, accept his behavor of me etc... but I can say I still love him.
You know what is even more nuts..... I still love him.
Seeing everything that he did to me, how he tossed me aside even in last march because my "hurt" was causing him too much trouble/guilt, after seeing and feeling how I should be treated... Looking at all of what he had done/did. After thinking about he every friggin day for 6 months... after picking apart the whole of everything....
*sighs* I still love him. Now how crazy is that. I dont respect him, like him, know he is toxic for me, accept his behavor of me etc... but I can say I still love him.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: northeast
Posts: 43
Cynay--you sound just like me girl!! I still love the guy, even after being treated like dirt. He kept rejecting me, being downright cruel and that only made me try to hold onto him tighter! Can you imagine driving 6 hours to see someone only to be told halfway through your tripto "turn around and go home--I dont want you here". then the phone gets hung up on you. So what did this wack job, me, do? I called him back and continued on to see mister arrogance himself! But I had to see this relationhsip through to the end. I know now that I did and accepted those mean things because I truly loved him and I was hoping it was the A that was twisting him. I am not ashamed of myself--it shows that we can truly love, something our guys really know nothing about. I gave it my all, and have nothing to be ashamed of. Neither do you--we should both go on to find true love and happiness with people capable of loving us back the right way! 
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Cynay,
I have felt that way before. Journalling and doing a thorough inventory helped me to get it out of my head and onto paper. It helped me to stop feeling so overwhelmed with where I was.
Like others have said, part of recovery is realizing that we have a problem or two, and that we need help to get better. That self honesty is the first step in getting better. Making sure we follow through with some direction on how to get out of the insanity is the next step. You are ok, even if you don't feel like it yet. Keep moving toward getting better and you will. Hugs, Magic
I have felt that way before. Journalling and doing a thorough inventory helped me to get it out of my head and onto paper. It helped me to stop feeling so overwhelmed with where I was.
Like others have said, part of recovery is realizing that we have a problem or two, and that we need help to get better. That self honesty is the first step in getting better. Making sure we follow through with some direction on how to get out of the insanity is the next step. You are ok, even if you don't feel like it yet. Keep moving toward getting better and you will. Hugs, Magic
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
Cynay,
Everything you have said is what I have felt in the past 8 months..Part of what I have had to do is forgive myself..More then anything I was angry at myself for doing it again!!!
But I see this most recent relationship as part of my development and recovery..It made me stronger and taught me what I will and will not put up with! I am proud of myself because even though he was an A - he was still a better A then some of the other ones I have dated..
It's ok to still love him.. I do..I probably will for a long time..Everyone has a good side and a bad side..
Everything you have said is what I have felt in the past 8 months..Part of what I have had to do is forgive myself..More then anything I was angry at myself for doing it again!!!
But I see this most recent relationship as part of my development and recovery..It made me stronger and taught me what I will and will not put up with! I am proud of myself because even though he was an A - he was still a better A then some of the other ones I have dated..
It's ok to still love him.. I do..I probably will for a long time..Everyone has a good side and a bad side..
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 491
Everyone said what I couldnt say any better... You are recognizing you used to be sick, you allowed yourself to be abused for some reason (as I did too) and you have to ask yourself now as your ponder in this walk alone,... why?
This is the hard part where you must be completly honest with yourself, just you and your soul in a private room speaking, forget any shame, forget any secrets, just lay it all out with yourself so you may learn who you are and why you did certain things. The more aware of who you are or what you may need to improve or recover on the stronger you can come out.
Most people in this world in general, cant do that very step.
If you can do so, I believe we are more enlightened then the majority of the world already and this experience with an addict has actually turned from a bad experience to an ever so great life changing adventure. Possibly the greatest turning point for many of us....
This is what I've come to discover in my own adventure.
So what I think about you now? You used to be sick (like me) but your now recognizing that and that is a major step most dont do, now you have found the source of the problem you can focus on fixing it (which I guess is why its a good idea not to date seriously with anyone while repairing, this applies to me too). You have to be somewhat healthy of mindset to get to the point you are at now, so I would not say your sick, but instead, getting MUCH HEALTHIER and your self awareness will allow you access to an amazing life changing experience for the better.
This is the hard part where you must be completly honest with yourself, just you and your soul in a private room speaking, forget any shame, forget any secrets, just lay it all out with yourself so you may learn who you are and why you did certain things. The more aware of who you are or what you may need to improve or recover on the stronger you can come out.
Most people in this world in general, cant do that very step.
If you can do so, I believe we are more enlightened then the majority of the world already and this experience with an addict has actually turned from a bad experience to an ever so great life changing adventure. Possibly the greatest turning point for many of us....
This is what I've come to discover in my own adventure.
So what I think about you now? You used to be sick (like me) but your now recognizing that and that is a major step most dont do, now you have found the source of the problem you can focus on fixing it (which I guess is why its a good idea not to date seriously with anyone while repairing, this applies to me too). You have to be somewhat healthy of mindset to get to the point you are at now, so I would not say your sick, but instead, getting MUCH HEALTHIER and your self awareness will allow you access to an amazing life changing experience for the better.
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
Awareness does not change love. Love is love. Just because we are aware of reality doesnt mean we stop loving someone over night.
Letting go takes time. If you were a person who could immediately stop loving someone you would not be a loving person.
You, we, are loving human souls. It takes time to let it go. As we learn to love ourselves instead more and more, we learn to let go bit by bit....thats what Im trying to do. Healing takes time, let me always remember that.
Letting go takes time. If you were a person who could immediately stop loving someone you would not be a loving person.
You, we, are loving human souls. It takes time to let it go. As we learn to love ourselves instead more and more, we learn to let go bit by bit....thats what Im trying to do. Healing takes time, let me always remember that.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Thanks everyone for your thoughts, reasurances and support.
Guess I am getting better.... I struggle with believing that I would think any of that is acceptable, but now looking back on it all.... well I now I have to figure out what was going on with me that I would allow that Chaos into my life.
Also, I think this has brought to a new focus how important it is for me to have NO contact with him.... thinking about all this has also forced me to realize I can fight that love all I want and it will get me no where... its a fact, I cant change it I will just have to grow out of it.... I assume that will come with the healing... in time.
BOY do I have a long way to go *sighs*
OHHHHH just thought of this..... if he called me on M-Day... just to be nice does that mean I can expect more of these phone calls? Now that he has broken his self imposed slience???
Guess I am getting better.... I struggle with believing that I would think any of that is acceptable, but now looking back on it all.... well I now I have to figure out what was going on with me that I would allow that Chaos into my life.
Also, I think this has brought to a new focus how important it is for me to have NO contact with him.... thinking about all this has also forced me to realize I can fight that love all I want and it will get me no where... its a fact, I cant change it I will just have to grow out of it.... I assume that will come with the healing... in time.
BOY do I have a long way to go *sighs*
OHHHHH just thought of this..... if he called me on M-Day... just to be nice does that mean I can expect more of these phone calls? Now that he has broken his self imposed slience???
Let go and let God
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: illinois
Posts: 116
Originally Posted by Cynay
BOY do I have a long way to go *sighs*
You are well on your way to a happier life.
God bless
Jeff
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