Pony

Hey here I am on the Al-Anon forum. I know you all usually see me only in Eating disorders, but I felt thins time I needed here. I have just finished reading the post on detachment and boy did I need that. You know it's funny you know all the right things to do and say to yourself in your head but still somethings can still throw you for a loop.

Ok, here it is. Most of you know that I have three step-daughters (to which I am no longer married to their dad) that I have a raised since they were very young and are very much a part of my life, as well as a 5 yr. old here at home. My other daughters are all in their adult yrs. (use term lightly) and pretty much living their own lives. I have really pulled back and forced them to do so in the last few years. My oldest is married has given me a beautiful granddaughter; my third one is doing very well in her recovery and has a baby on the way also.
Now comes my "issue" . My 2nd daughter has recently informed me that she is pregnant also and has moved herself back into town here. She was living north near her dad. Now in it's-self that wouldn't be so bad, but with her comes trouble.....always! I have been trying to get her to seek some kind of coucling or 12-step program because of here very abusive childhood and currant disfunctional lifestyle, but she says one thing and never follows through. Now I know that she has to want it, and I know I can't force her, but it hard to watch her spiral down. And that was from a distance. Now she's living in the same town and about to bring another life into this world. She is in no way ready to be a parent; That's a shared opinion among even her piers and other adults that have been advising her. What I can't stand the most is the lying she does for no reason at all. She lies about things she doesn't even need to. For example: I asked her where she was going to stay when she came here....she told me a completely different place from where she is at and I'm still not sure why she did that. Considering her reason for coming back here was to be near family, why would she not want me to know where she is? The couple she is staying with seem nice enough, but still she had to lie about it. Crazy.
I don't know how much partying she is still into now that she's pregnant, because I don't believe she's telling me the truth when she says none.

I am trying very hard to let her, actually make her, take care of herself and her problems. She would definately leave them on my door step if I allowed it, but I don't. It still doesn't stop the feeling of guilt though. My other daughters do back me up, and still I feel I should try to help somehow. Not by bailing her out, but by trying to get her to see that she needs to change her behavior and make better decisions. I have supported my other two daughters in their decisions to keep their baby's and raise it, but I am having alot of trouble even thinking about her keeping hers. I know I need to let go, but there's another life involved that doesn't deserve a bad future. I have up till now truely left her to her own consequences, but a baby.?????

Well thanks for listening. I needed to ramble. Also to just set my boundries with her so my family who's still at home with me can live peacefully. I really don't like caos and that follows her everywhere.

Have a great day everyone,

Pony

JT

Kid,

It sounds like you have some practice letting go and it sounds like you have a definate opinion. It is my experience that if you voice that opinion when you weren't consulted it causes hard feelings.

When my son and his girlfriend announced they were having a baby I was so fearful for his welfare and it has turned out that he has had a pretty rough time of it. His mother died of a heroine overdose and Daddy is in rehab and hasn't had much contact with him. We have all made the best of it. His other Gramma and I are sharing responsibility at this time and all in all he is a good boy. Well behaved and not any trouble at home or at school. Kids are very resiliant. And we cannot know what the furure holds. Even the sober stock broker can ruin his children.

I would say let it go...voice your concerns if asked or the time is right but this truely is out of your hands.

Hugs,
JT

Paulie

Hey Pony -

I have to agree with JT. There is only so much you can do, and that so much is nothing usually. You have to set your boundries to keep yourself and the other members of your family safe in your home and that is the way it has to be.

Sounds like you know what to expect from her, so expect that, and if you get something different be thankful for it. You can hope that becoming a mother will change her, but you can't make her change just because she is becoming a mother. Unfortuately!!!

Keep your boundaries and be there if she needs you without being involved in the chaos.

Good luck and keep posting!!!

Ann

Hi Pony

And welcome to our forum. . It sound like you have your boundaries in place, and know how to look after yourself.

It is tough when they move so close, and we have to keep our boundaries to stay safe. Not much you can do about her choices, she already knows your point of view, so just love her and say a few prayers. Her mistakes will be her mistakes, and perhaps bring her lessons that she would not otherwise learn.

And never underestimate the joy this baby might bring to you. It won't be easy for anyone, but keep it simple and just be you.

Pony

Thanks all for your wonderful insight. I do know in my head what needs to be done, but my heart says otherwise, as you all know. As far as offering my opinion, yes, she did ask for it. And I have already told her what I am willing to do and "not" do for her, but she just seems to be in fantasy of what she going to get fromd us/me. And for the most part I have no trouble drawing the line at giving money and getting caught up in rescueing, but she crosses my lines all the time by lies and lack of respect for my home and personal space. AS if I owe her. As I said before it was easier to handle because she lived a distance, now she is very close. It will be a challenage on my heart strings. Luckily I have my boyfriend here that won't give in on these same matters, but it is up to me to not allow her to disrupt my currant life.

Like I said, thanks for all your support and confirming all these things I already know I need to do. And yes, babies can be a changing factor, but I don't count on it with her. I do so love babies and looking forward to the birth of my other daughter's little bundle really soon.

Hugs right back,

Pony