no more blaming...........
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
no more blaming...........
Good Morning! My husband started his new job last Thursday. He is working in a convenience store and I think he likes it. I know he is glad to be working again. Yesterday I noticed that he had large bruises down his one leg and a burn on the other leg. I thought that he probably dropped his motorcycle again and this time got bruised badly. I told myself that I wouldn't even ask him if he dropped the bike, that there was no reason for me to scold him about it. Yesterday he did not work so he went to his bar for several hours. We are down to two cars now and at least he got dropped off and got a ride home. When he came home he was nasty and saying annoying things so then it just popped out of my mouth - did you drop the motorcycle again? So he says yes and I started giving him a hard time. Then he said "I don't want to talk about it, its none of your business". So I just let him go. I realized that he is right, he shouldn't have to listen to me scold him about doing something so stupid.
I can see that my current attitude is one of blaming and focusing on the negatives. I want to find the balance where I can acknowledge what is happening, the good and the bad, but not focus on the negatives and give them more power than the positives. So, the positives: he is working and paying bills with his income, he has decided not to ride the motorcycle to the bar, and he doesn't have as much time available to drink. The negatives: he has been drinking more than usual, he says several nasty comments when he drinks, and he is not doing his share of helping with housework and yard work. Giving more power to the positive: this week I will only speak to him about his new job, encourage him and tell him how happy I am that he is working. I will not do all the housework this week, the laundry is already done, so I will do the dishes and make dinner each night. Everything else will not get done unless my husband or my kids decide to do it (without my prompting). Thanks for listening.
I can see that my current attitude is one of blaming and focusing on the negatives. I want to find the balance where I can acknowledge what is happening, the good and the bad, but not focus on the negatives and give them more power than the positives. So, the positives: he is working and paying bills with his income, he has decided not to ride the motorcycle to the bar, and he doesn't have as much time available to drink. The negatives: he has been drinking more than usual, he says several nasty comments when he drinks, and he is not doing his share of helping with housework and yard work. Giving more power to the positive: this week I will only speak to him about his new job, encourage him and tell him how happy I am that he is working. I will not do all the housework this week, the laundry is already done, so I will do the dishes and make dinner each night. Everything else will not get done unless my husband or my kids decide to do it (without my prompting). Thanks for listening.
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Posts: n/a
Rose,
I know how hard it is to do what you are trying to do. When I did this with my son it just made life so much easier and brought a lot of healing to our relationship.
Even though my son relapsed the positive gain in our relationship remains. It also freed me from worry and feeling like I had to control everything.
It takes a lot of effort to stay positive and not nag and complain. You can always come here and vent when you need to.
We're all ears.
Hugs,
MG
I know how hard it is to do what you are trying to do. When I did this with my son it just made life so much easier and brought a lot of healing to our relationship.
Even though my son relapsed the positive gain in our relationship remains. It also freed me from worry and feeling like I had to control everything.
It takes a lot of effort to stay positive and not nag and complain. You can always come here and vent when you need to.
We're all ears.
Hugs,
MG
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
Rose,
The good news is that you are making progress! It takes a long time to change old behaviors. Be gentle with yourself, and remember that you can start your day over again at any time, whenever you choose! Break it down into manageable pieces - just for today I will (or won't) say this... and if that doesn't work, try Just for this morning....
Little by slow, things will change and you'll be better in it!
Osier59
The good news is that you are making progress! It takes a long time to change old behaviors. Be gentle with yourself, and remember that you can start your day over again at any time, whenever you choose! Break it down into manageable pieces - just for today I will (or won't) say this... and if that doesn't work, try Just for this morning....
Little by slow, things will change and you'll be better in it!
Osier59
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Rose,
They say that you can do something for just one day that you would never dream of doing for a lifetime...so like O59 said...one thing for one day..or part of a day..or one hour gives you more power than you had in the past. And seeing the positive! What a leap for you! Sometimes we realy have to look but it is there!
Hugs,
JT
They say that you can do something for just one day that you would never dream of doing for a lifetime...so like O59 said...one thing for one day..or part of a day..or one hour gives you more power than you had in the past. And seeing the positive! What a leap for you! Sometimes we realy have to look but it is there!
Hugs,
JT
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Great idea Rose. The more we try to keep our lives positive, the happier we are. I like the idea of trying things for one day - I will have do do that myself for many things I want to change.
Good luck and keep looking up.
Good luck and keep looking up.
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