child abuse from alcoholism - we can recover
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Second star to the right....
Posts: 845
child abuse from alcoholism - we can recover
ABUSE is from ALCOHOLISM...STORED, PURGED, CONSOLIDATED...what an experience to share. i was sexually, physically and emotionally AND spiritually abused at the hands of my own father but i thought so much of it was behind me. recently something phenomenal happened.
the sexual abuse was the most harrowing for me. for years as it came out in my therapy sessions so did repressed memories, slowly... i didnt realise how much it affected who i had become, how i acted, what i was attracted to, what repulsed me...and how confusing when i attributed things to sexual abuse when others had the same problems but were never sexually abused. it comes from ALCOHOLISM...this cunning baffling and uncontrollable disease brought out self-pity, anger and insanity to my father, it brought spin offs of ABUSE, DYSFUNCTION and misery.
i was first molested raped when i was 2. it sounds softer to say molested when it was rape. memories came slowly to me and they were horrific and hazy but astoundingly accurate. the worst things being my mum and sister were there, powerless by the effects of alcoholism to stop my father.
i remember being in the bath with him, him raping me and then me floating out of my body looking at the whole thing, then there is a black patch. three nights ago it all came up. the missing link between the FIRST time i was sexually abused and after, after trust was destroyed.
I was at an Alanon BIRTHDAY meeting and was chairing. a newcomer came (always a happy moment) with a daughter and younger son, 14 and 12. the resemblence to my mum & sister & me in times past was harrowing and haunting. the older sister was the SECONDARY MOTHER and the boy was the MICHEIVOUS CLOWN and ENTERTAINER and the mother was a wreck but full of hope in something.
it blew me away how affected i was, id never seen kids this age in alanon before. i went to an alanon friends house and we shared on our childhoods again but also on our sisters and fathers and my sexual abuse came up but more descriptive this time. i started to talk about my 'funny' sense of humour, sexually depraved and crass at times in selected company, disturbing?, she thought so but unjudgementally.
then i began to laugh. not because it was funny but through DEFLECTION THROUG HUMOUR. MY LAUGHING WAS INSANE and erratic, i felt that something moving up my body and through my throat. that somethings i laughed away all the time.
maybe you should let it out, she said.
i was so scared and ashamed within myself to let such a deep and serious emotion affect me. extreme happiness or misery were laughed off or cycnically shut down,,,not this time.
i began to cry, silently, then to shudder and then to wail. something deep and ancient was released and i knew it was sexual abuse trauma i didnt even know was buried within. i asked her to hold me in a non sexual way and she stroked my arm as i wailed.
disturbingly i sounded like a little child with high wavy wails, thinking for some reason the words, why why why. REPRESSED PURGINGS. i wanted to force myself to vomit as the phlegm and mucus in my throat got worse but i wouldnt force it. shortly i vomited and coughed up phlegm for ten minutes, rinsing my face. i filled the sink with water and screamed many times into the water. i scared myself with this pain and emotion coming out of me but i knew somehow that it was important to release.
scary hoe id had phelgm issues for years and this cleared them away, what had been stored from that experience. my body shvered like id just gotten out of that bath tub and my teeth chattered. my physical body went back to that tfirst time when i was only 2! scary how that memory was stored and buried in my body all that time. causing that INCLINATION TO SADNESS which was more of a yearning to PURGE out the misery and hurt and pain.
at the time my young body needed to survive, it couldnt endure the fact that my father my caregiver and protector was so dangerous so repression and denial ensured survival.
i shuddered in my friends arms that night and she told me I WAS SAFE, THIS WAS SHOWING GREAT STRENGTH, HE WASNT GOING TO DO IT ANYMORE.
words i never heard, words i should have heard wheni thappend. not empty hugs and misunderstanding. what a blessing that god sent me her. more memories came, i had cried when i was 2 just like i had in my friends arms, that painful moment was blocked until now, its terryfying how the human body can protect young minds from such horrors. ITS SCARY how much the disease of alcoholism can cause such pain. physical embedded in the depths of my core. THIS WAS A ROOT CORE ISSUE FOR ME.
CONSOLIDATING THE PURGE as i call it with GOOD FOOD< PLENTY OF SLEEP AND REASURRANCE AND ALANON. gid released the memories when i could handle them, all at once i couldnt have handled. as we cannot handle all the knowledge in the world because we are not god and woulndt explode
we couldnt handle alll repressed memories at once OR all the feelings of instant serenity. REcovery takes time, one day at a time. some milestones are small but some are all encompassing. all are important. and i pray we can all continue to heal, to feel and to grow in love, strength, serenity courage and wisdom ONE DAY AT A TIME under the care of our Higer Powers. OUr higher power is bigger than alcoholism. this is my salvation.
amen
the sexual abuse was the most harrowing for me. for years as it came out in my therapy sessions so did repressed memories, slowly... i didnt realise how much it affected who i had become, how i acted, what i was attracted to, what repulsed me...and how confusing when i attributed things to sexual abuse when others had the same problems but were never sexually abused. it comes from ALCOHOLISM...this cunning baffling and uncontrollable disease brought out self-pity, anger and insanity to my father, it brought spin offs of ABUSE, DYSFUNCTION and misery.
i was first molested raped when i was 2. it sounds softer to say molested when it was rape. memories came slowly to me and they were horrific and hazy but astoundingly accurate. the worst things being my mum and sister were there, powerless by the effects of alcoholism to stop my father.
i remember being in the bath with him, him raping me and then me floating out of my body looking at the whole thing, then there is a black patch. three nights ago it all came up. the missing link between the FIRST time i was sexually abused and after, after trust was destroyed.
I was at an Alanon BIRTHDAY meeting and was chairing. a newcomer came (always a happy moment) with a daughter and younger son, 14 and 12. the resemblence to my mum & sister & me in times past was harrowing and haunting. the older sister was the SECONDARY MOTHER and the boy was the MICHEIVOUS CLOWN and ENTERTAINER and the mother was a wreck but full of hope in something.
it blew me away how affected i was, id never seen kids this age in alanon before. i went to an alanon friends house and we shared on our childhoods again but also on our sisters and fathers and my sexual abuse came up but more descriptive this time. i started to talk about my 'funny' sense of humour, sexually depraved and crass at times in selected company, disturbing?, she thought so but unjudgementally.
then i began to laugh. not because it was funny but through DEFLECTION THROUG HUMOUR. MY LAUGHING WAS INSANE and erratic, i felt that something moving up my body and through my throat. that somethings i laughed away all the time.
maybe you should let it out, she said.
i was so scared and ashamed within myself to let such a deep and serious emotion affect me. extreme happiness or misery were laughed off or cycnically shut down,,,not this time.
i began to cry, silently, then to shudder and then to wail. something deep and ancient was released and i knew it was sexual abuse trauma i didnt even know was buried within. i asked her to hold me in a non sexual way and she stroked my arm as i wailed.
disturbingly i sounded like a little child with high wavy wails, thinking for some reason the words, why why why. REPRESSED PURGINGS. i wanted to force myself to vomit as the phlegm and mucus in my throat got worse but i wouldnt force it. shortly i vomited and coughed up phlegm for ten minutes, rinsing my face. i filled the sink with water and screamed many times into the water. i scared myself with this pain and emotion coming out of me but i knew somehow that it was important to release.
scary hoe id had phelgm issues for years and this cleared them away, what had been stored from that experience. my body shvered like id just gotten out of that bath tub and my teeth chattered. my physical body went back to that tfirst time when i was only 2! scary how that memory was stored and buried in my body all that time. causing that INCLINATION TO SADNESS which was more of a yearning to PURGE out the misery and hurt and pain.
at the time my young body needed to survive, it couldnt endure the fact that my father my caregiver and protector was so dangerous so repression and denial ensured survival.
i shuddered in my friends arms that night and she told me I WAS SAFE, THIS WAS SHOWING GREAT STRENGTH, HE WASNT GOING TO DO IT ANYMORE.
words i never heard, words i should have heard wheni thappend. not empty hugs and misunderstanding. what a blessing that god sent me her. more memories came, i had cried when i was 2 just like i had in my friends arms, that painful moment was blocked until now, its terryfying how the human body can protect young minds from such horrors. ITS SCARY how much the disease of alcoholism can cause such pain. physical embedded in the depths of my core. THIS WAS A ROOT CORE ISSUE FOR ME.
CONSOLIDATING THE PURGE as i call it with GOOD FOOD< PLENTY OF SLEEP AND REASURRANCE AND ALANON. gid released the memories when i could handle them, all at once i couldnt have handled. as we cannot handle all the knowledge in the world because we are not god and woulndt explode
we couldnt handle alll repressed memories at once OR all the feelings of instant serenity. REcovery takes time, one day at a time. some milestones are small but some are all encompassing. all are important. and i pray we can all continue to heal, to feel and to grow in love, strength, serenity courage and wisdom ONE DAY AT A TIME under the care of our Higer Powers. OUr higher power is bigger than alcoholism. this is my salvation.
amen
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((utopia)))))
I am amazed at your ability to stand naked before us so unashamed...I admire you for it totally. I am sure your recounting this will no doubt draw others to some of their issues...
I hope that others can see that you have given a gift here. Many of us here have things like this that are a part of our inventories or 4th step...which I believe is a step that has thrown some people off of their sobriety....
(((Utopia)))you are very brave and I feel so much love for you right now....you are a shining example of someone who is growing...and has walked thru a lot of stuff...and the only way out is thru and mostly it ain't too pretty...
I am amazed at your ability to stand naked before us so unashamed...I admire you for it totally. I am sure your recounting this will no doubt draw others to some of their issues...
I hope that others can see that you have given a gift here. Many of us here have things like this that are a part of our inventories or 4th step...which I believe is a step that has thrown some people off of their sobriety....
(((Utopia)))you are very brave and I feel so much love for you right now....you are a shining example of someone who is growing...and has walked thru a lot of stuff...and the only way out is thru and mostly it ain't too pretty...
and that is all that matters..
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 73
Utopia,
I am frozen, my fingers barely able to move. That is how hard your post hit me. But I must manage to type out a response of thanks for your fearless sharing. I am struggling right now with self doubt, but to hear your story and your faith gives me faith that my Higher Power and my inner child will pull me through this stage of my recovery.
Blessings,
I am frozen, my fingers barely able to move. That is how hard your post hit me. But I must manage to type out a response of thanks for your fearless sharing. I am struggling right now with self doubt, but to hear your story and your faith gives me faith that my Higher Power and my inner child will pull me through this stage of my recovery.
Blessings,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Wonderful post, Utopia :-)
The feelings and experience you shared are much like mine. I don't remember how old I was when I was first molested, but to me that number doesn't matter. I know how overwhelming it is too work thru all this "stuff" and become a healthy person again. Your courage is awesome and your hope inspiring. Keep doing what you're doing and you will soon purge it _all_ out.
You are in my prayers
Mike :-)
The feelings and experience you shared are much like mine. I don't remember how old I was when I was first molested, but to me that number doesn't matter. I know how overwhelming it is too work thru all this "stuff" and become a healthy person again. Your courage is awesome and your hope inspiring. Keep doing what you're doing and you will soon purge it _all_ out.
You are in my prayers
Mike :-)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Greenville Kentucky
Posts: 44
Utopia-
Your little child has found a voice that was for so long muffled by years of oppression.
((((((((((((( hugs ))))))))))))))))))
May your future steps be full of learning and love, surrounded by supporting caring people.
You're in my prayers.
Kat-
Your little child has found a voice that was for so long muffled by years of oppression.
((((((((((((( hugs ))))))))))))))))))
May your future steps be full of learning and love, surrounded by supporting caring people.
You're in my prayers.
Kat-
angel with a broken wing
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 10
utopia
i wish that i could write some sort of meaningful response to your post - but it has moved me so much that i have no words that can put across just how brave i think you are for sharing that with us
((((((((((((((( hugs ))))))))))))))))
angels nd xxx
i wish that i could write some sort of meaningful response to your post - but it has moved me so much that i have no words that can put across just how brave i think you are for sharing that with us
((((((((((((((( hugs ))))))))))))))))
angels nd xxx
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
Utopia...
Thank you sooooooooooooooooo much for your courage and honesty. These are not easy things to talk about, but my experience has been that letting it out is essential to the healing process.
While I'm certainly not happy to hear that others have experienced the same types of victimization that I have, I am always comforted to know that I'm not the only one and that we DO recover.
If the question "Why me?" ever comes up, I need only re-read p. 124 in the AA Big Book:
"This painful past may be of infinite value to other families still struggling with their problem... Showing others who suffer how we were given help is the very thing which makes life seem so worthwhile to us now. Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have--the key to life and happiness for others."
No matter what I've gone through, it was all worth it if one person hears my story and says, "Hey, I went through that too and I'm not sure how to handle it. Tell me, how have you gotten through it?"
Sometimes, the answer to "Why?" is simply, "Because..."
Thank you sooooooooooooooooo much for your courage and honesty. These are not easy things to talk about, but my experience has been that letting it out is essential to the healing process.
While I'm certainly not happy to hear that others have experienced the same types of victimization that I have, I am always comforted to know that I'm not the only one and that we DO recover.
If the question "Why me?" ever comes up, I need only re-read p. 124 in the AA Big Book:
"This painful past may be of infinite value to other families still struggling with their problem... Showing others who suffer how we were given help is the very thing which makes life seem so worthwhile to us now. Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have--the key to life and happiness for others."
No matter what I've gone through, it was all worth it if one person hears my story and says, "Hey, I went through that too and I'm not sure how to handle it. Tell me, how have you gotten through it?"
Sometimes, the answer to "Why?" is simply, "Because..."
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