benefits

I was talking with a friend last night and of course got on the subject of the exABF and I know that I don't want him back - I've known that for a while now and each day I think that sinks in more and more. So why do I still think about him and wonder what he's up to etc. So I know that part of it is sort of mourning what "could have been" really what I had hoped for and he filled my head with a bunch of BS telling me all the things I wanted to hear. But it finally dawned on me last night that even though I don't want to be with him I really don't want him to be out having a good time without me. It's not even about not wanting him out with anohter woman - it's about him being out at all. I think what really bothers me is that he is moving on and having fun and doesn't even miss me. I did so much for him when we were together and he has never acknowledged that fact. I guess what would make me happy would be for him to be sad and miserable because we broke up and he realizes how good he had it and regrets all he has done. So does that make me horrible or what??? I feel horrible for feeling that way - I know its wrong and I realize its just my ego being bruised. But now that I've put my finger on a big part of the problem maybe now I can work through it and move on - this will be a good one for the counselor on Monday!!!!

jcw1964

Wow, That is a great breakthrough. I dont have any experience in this area but is sounds like you are doing the right things. Searching your heart, challenging your motives and seeking help to validate your thoughts.
Great job
Keep up the good work and you are getting better every day

I guess on that point, I think that I do have some experience. Everytime I go to a meeting, I learn something about myself. It is nice to ffe like I am growing and getting better and stronger.

Thanks and good luck
Jeff

FriendofBill

There is nothing "wrong" with feelings. I hate hearing people say "I know I shouldnt feel this way....".

Feelings are just feelings, they are not facts, they do not kill people, they are just feelings. Your a normal person going thru a grieveing process. To have these type of feelings is normal. What is NOT right is if you were to act on thos feelings and go slash his tires so he couldnt go out and have fun! LOL..Now, THAT would be wrong.

And, if this could make you feel better, I doubt he is out there having a ball. Alcholics do have feelings, even if they numb them out, for a short time, they do feel, and if he loved you, which Im sure he did, he is miserable. The "Fun" times he may be having are just a way to hide the pain.

fingerscrossed

My ABF broke up with me about 3 weeks ago. All after I confronted him about his drinking--- Seems when the going got tough--he got going!! Just like our first break up 20 years ago. And immediatley 20 years ago he hooked up with other people, and ended up marrying a woman more damaged then himself. We talked about it--how he missed me like crazy then and he rebounded. Well--move the clock 20 years ahead and guess what he is doing--he didn't even wait to dump me--I found his profile on an internet dating site! We are creatures of habit, yes? And you know what--I think he truly loved me, but just doesn't have it in him to work on a relationship. This is the easy way out for him--and he did the same thing 20 years ago. I miss him like crazy, but I also need a man who is going to stand by ME through anything, and he clearly is incapable of doing that. So do I think he is headed for a happy life? No---clearly he isn't working on his sobriety. Me--each day gets a little better, and I believe that he isn't the only man on this planet who can love me and I love back. Patience---and having hope...and letting go of those that weren't right for us because they just are incapble of loving the way we need to be loved.

benefits

fingerscrossed, I've been mulling over what you said above that you truely believe your A loved you but just was not able to work on a relationship. That's an interesting point because I've always kind of felt that they can't love anyone when they are in active addiction. But maybe your right maybe they can love they just don't have to tools to know how to use that and make a relationship work. Interesting - I'm going to have to ponder that some more.

fingerscrossed

I do think this man loved me, but he just isn't capable of working at it--and ALL realtionships require work. Far easier to run from the pain and feelings by using pills, alcohol, whatever floats his boat at the moment. And that has been his history for the past 20 years. he said to me before we broke up that his love for me scared him. I wasn't easy for him, in the sense that we would have had to bring two families together and we did have distance, but he just pushed me away because our love would have required dealing with uncomfortable feelings and being honest--something he just can't do. i do think alcoholics and addicts love, they just can't do the nuts and bolts of a relationship--the WORKING part. If they were capable after all, why use pills, booze in the first place? This has helped me let go because I realize that I would ahve been in a relationship with myself--while someone else was hiding out from just plain life. I need a partner beside me, not a partner that I need to carry on my back.

fingerscrossed

Something that I read--"An alcoholic can't love you anymore than they love themselves." I think that is very true and I also think they have tons of self loathing. When my ABF relapsed, his first response, and one I felt was right on target, was---"I've been drinking for the past 2 days, and you deserve better than me." That relapse was the ebginning of the end for us--I suspect that he stopped calling me at night because he was going to meetings like he said he was, but because he was drinking and knew I could heqar it in his voice. I guess now I will never know what the truth was, but I do know that he just couldn't work on a relationship with me--he took the easy way out, but I think we all have to face the music someday.

Minx1969

I love SR!!! It seems I always read something I need to hear..It's been 8 months since my exABF and I broke up..We are both moving on with our lives (he already has a new girlfriend..now for 6 months..) but I think what I believe is:

1. He loved me very much..As much as he was capable but
2. It is less painful for him to leave and move on to someone else then to work on the relationship which meant he had to get healthier..

My ex is just not ready..

I was so sad last night..I went to the ArtWalk in downtown Phx and kept thinking..he would love this (if he wasn't there already)..then I was angry because the whole time together he was playing music on Friday nights and we never had the opportunity to do stuff like this..He's not playing now on weekends so his new girlfriend is enjoying the benefits (or is she?)

See..my mind still can play crazy tricks on me..that's ok..I"m healing..even if I miss him sometimes..

Do I think he is any happier without me? Nope..I can play that game with myself or I can see it for what it truely is..Alcholism..he's not happy with himself..or with anyone else..he can put on a smile and pretend for the world but I know the truth..

fingerscrossed

It seems that there are a lot of us chicks no longer seeing our ABFs, and it seems like we loved them with all our hearts and...by virtue of being on these boards, looking to understand and work on our relationships with our guys. But you know what--they just couldn't, wouldn't do it. So they have taken the easy way out--toss aside the relationship, and go onto greener pastures. But you know what--they can't run from themselves, and that is the problem. And in a few years--they are going to pay the price--healthwise and mentally as well. My guy was pretty hot--in his 40's but recently got the big "whiskey" belly. And in a few years, when the alcohol takes more and more of a toll on his body--the chicks on the internet aren't gonna be interested in him anymore. And what is he gonna have--maybe he will think of the woman, his first love from college, who he, by a miracle, reunited with, only to let her go....and he will know that she loved him with all her heart and would ahve stood by him through anything..

benefits

Fingerscrossed, I felt the same way about my ABF - I really loved him and would have stood by him through anything and as a matter of fact I did stand by him through some of the lowest points in his life. And I agree with the above that he can move on but since he has a disease he is not willing to acknowledge why would the next relationship turn out any differently than any of his past relationships. From what he told me he's not interested in finding another woman he just wants to be alone. I know for the most part that is pretty much true - he wants to be alone so he can go out drinking with his friends 24/7 and not have to deal with anyone about it. So I have let go - he can have his drinking buddies - but when the going gets tough who is going to be there for him??? During the tough times in the past the friends scattered like birds. So unless he finds another woman who is going to really love him in spite of all his problems he is going to be all alone again. I find it funny that within his group of friends none of them can hang on to a relationship for more than a few months at the most - most of them have never even had relationships (my ex was the exception - we were together for 2 years and that is mainly because of my obviously low self esteem at the time and my hope that things would change). I've said it before and I'll say it again it's just so sad!!!

chrisea

fingerscrossed, I have to agree... This has helped me let go because I realize that I would have been in a relationship with myself--while someone else was hiding out from just plain life. I need a partner beside me, not a partner that I need to carry on my back. I have come to that conclusion for the past yr or so, but just didn't put it into words... Since not having my xabf around, it will take awhile to get out of this hole ~ but at least I only have myself to get out of it, not him too. (his current gf, either will take over, or find out also)
He claimed he loved me, but how does that work ~ when you give alot, he gives little or less and then leaves ~ when he can't get anymore...