Would he have been an A?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: northeast
Posts: 43
Would he have been an A?
Hi guys! remember me? My Abf, "love of my life", blah blah blah, chose the bottle over me about 3 weeks ago and not only that,I found his profile on an internet dating site, so I guess talk of all those AA meetings was just that--talk.
Anyway, the past 3 weeks have been hell for me, and I do have a question. he was my first love, from college, and we had come so close to getting married 20 years ago, only to reconnect a few years ago. I guess I am wondering if the story would have turned out the same had we gottne married as we had planned 20 years ago. Would he still have bloomed into the alcoholic/addict that he is today? He said he did drink a lot in college, but honestly I never saw it. My family is trying to tell me that be thankful you didn't EVER marry him because instead of his ex and kids going to al-anon--that would have been me! I guess he probably would have--
Anyway, the past 3 weeks have been hell for me, and I do have a question. he was my first love, from college, and we had come so close to getting married 20 years ago, only to reconnect a few years ago. I guess I am wondering if the story would have turned out the same had we gottne married as we had planned 20 years ago. Would he still have bloomed into the alcoholic/addict that he is today? He said he did drink a lot in college, but honestly I never saw it. My family is trying to tell me that be thankful you didn't EVER marry him because instead of his ex and kids going to al-anon--that would have been me! I guess he probably would have--
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
If he drank in college, then I feel he was on his way, just my opinion. Some stop.
Was there A's in his family??? Genes can be powerful. Did he have black outs back then, miss classes, drink all week end etc.??? clancy46
Was there A's in his family??? Genes can be powerful. Did he have black outs back then, miss classes, drink all week end etc.??? clancy46
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Does it matter? You couldn't have saved him whatever happened.
What's important is what you do today. Anything nice planned?
Oh, and tell me about the ex and the internet dating thing. Been there, done that, glad I escaped.
Love
Minnie
xxx
What's important is what you do today. Anything nice planned?
Oh, and tell me about the ex and the internet dating thing. Been there, done that, glad I escaped.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: northeast
Posts: 43
he did have the genes...but honestly..doesn't most of the world? 
And in college, I never remember him getting drunk...I do recall him being arrogant and self centered to some degree, and now that he is an A--boy is that exacerbated! Not only that he is avoidant as hell...I can't tell you how many times on the phone I got---"I can't talk about this now".
I do believe that with an active A, it is impossible to have a healthy relationship because one half of the equation is sick, diseased, not available. I guess I grieve what could have been 20 years ago--and it helps me to think that his path to addiction would have been regardless of whether or not I had been in his life. Letting go is so tough...
And in college, I never remember him getting drunk...I do recall him being arrogant and self centered to some degree, and now that he is an A--boy is that exacerbated! Not only that he is avoidant as hell...I can't tell you how many times on the phone I got---"I can't talk about this now".
I do believe that with an active A, it is impossible to have a healthy relationship because one half of the equation is sick, diseased, not available. I guess I grieve what could have been 20 years ago--and it helps me to think that his path to addiction would have been regardless of whether or not I had been in his life. Letting go is so tough...
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
A piece of Al-Anon literature suggests that "sanity is what I can expect when I stop wishing for a better past". I've learned that there is nothing I can do to undo the past or change what's already happened.
I've also learned that when I'm focusing on "what if...", I've lost sight of that which is truly important: "what is". This helps me to focus my limited energy where it can actually be helpful, on my current situation and the options I can exercise from this point forward.
I've also learned that when I'm focusing on "what if...", I've lost sight of that which is truly important: "what is". This helps me to focus my limited energy where it can actually be helpful, on my current situation and the options I can exercise from this point forward.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: northeast
Posts: 43
Thanks nocellphone for that piece of reality. I think I am having such a hard time with THIS breakup is because i never got over the FIRST breakup with this man 20 years ago. I have to let go of the past and start focusing on me. I truly love this man, but I also loved being in love--hadn't felt this way in years and years, and now it is gone. Almost like an addiction! Some days are better than others and today I ahve been on a pity party, missing him like crazy. I think I need to let go of these boards because now they keep reminding me of him and he is gone--there is no more A in my life and I need to move on and accept that.
Some days are better than others and today I ahve been on a pity party, missing him like crazy. I think I need to let go of these boards because now they keep reminding me of him and he is gone--there is no more A in my life and I need to move on and accept that.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
If you need a break from SR of course you should take it, but stop back and keep us updated on your progress, as we will be thinking of you, and you will be missed.
Best for you always clancy46 PS: remember one day at a time
Best for you always clancy46 PS: remember one day at a time
Cruelty-Free
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Body: South Florida Heart: Yosemite National Park
Posts: 914
Originally Posted by fingerscrossed
I think I need to let go of these boards because now they keep reminding me of him and he is gone--there is no more A in my life and I need to move on and accept that.
I hope you won't turn away from the people, places and things that might offer you some healing during this painful time...
Go if you need to, but know that someone will always be here should you need to come back.
I wish you peace.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
