I know what I've got to do but
Searching and tripping
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
I know what I've got to do but
doing it is another thing. My son went off to meet a woman whom he knew via telephone while his days in college out of state. This woman can supposedly talk to God and he talks back to her. I have my own thoughts on this...
My son was living in NY, us in PA and her in SC. She has moved back to the general vicinity and now wants to meet him.
I'll try the Reader's Disgest condensed version...He was in really bad shape, failing in college, drinking and suffering from depression. She knew everything that was going on with him and on a couple of occasions, accused me of being a bad mother when I called to find out if she'd heard from him as we hadn't. I don't know her myself. He confided in her lots of times and it was like a nightmare from hell. She influenced him, had him brainwashed and convinced him that we were going to abandon him. A rift that last at least 2 years. She once admitted that she had driven her son away for having interfered in his life.
My son will mark 5 months' recovery time the 20th of this month. He's going through a lot of stuff which I think might be depression. He says the alcohol thing is in his mind and the liquor guy sits on his shoulder once in a while and talks to him. Otherwise, the boozing seems to be in control at this time. He attends 3-5 meetings a week. He's been asking questions, reading and searching for answers to a lot of things in his life and this week, started calling himself a losser.
He's in a low state and very poor frame of mind and he's going to see this nut job today. I know exactly how I should feel and think, but when a situation such as this occurs, I know how everyone else feels. Hopeless. I am a non-stop nut case. Walking around talking to myself and saying all the right things while trying to detach. It took me hours to post this. I decided that if I can't stop thinking and worrying, I might as well post it with the hope that it will relieve some of the anxiety I'm having.
I pray he's not of the mind to be influenced by her. She swooped down on him in the first place when he was in a really bad screwed up.
Sadly, he's seeking spiritual guidance and that's her specialty... He once brought up something she said about me and I had to set him straight. He said he'd believe me because I was his mother and I told him that I didn't want him to do that because of our relationship, but because I'd be the last person who would lie to him.
If you have a sec, please offer up a pray or hope for him that he's not again influenced by her. We were scared about cults when he went to college and then got involved with this woman who drew him in and twisted his thinking and reasoning.
My son was living in NY, us in PA and her in SC. She has moved back to the general vicinity and now wants to meet him.
I'll try the Reader's Disgest condensed version...He was in really bad shape, failing in college, drinking and suffering from depression. She knew everything that was going on with him and on a couple of occasions, accused me of being a bad mother when I called to find out if she'd heard from him as we hadn't. I don't know her myself. He confided in her lots of times and it was like a nightmare from hell. She influenced him, had him brainwashed and convinced him that we were going to abandon him. A rift that last at least 2 years. She once admitted that she had driven her son away for having interfered in his life.
My son will mark 5 months' recovery time the 20th of this month. He's going through a lot of stuff which I think might be depression. He says the alcohol thing is in his mind and the liquor guy sits on his shoulder once in a while and talks to him. Otherwise, the boozing seems to be in control at this time. He attends 3-5 meetings a week. He's been asking questions, reading and searching for answers to a lot of things in his life and this week, started calling himself a losser.
He's in a low state and very poor frame of mind and he's going to see this nut job today. I know exactly how I should feel and think, but when a situation such as this occurs, I know how everyone else feels. Hopeless. I am a non-stop nut case. Walking around talking to myself and saying all the right things while trying to detach. It took me hours to post this. I decided that if I can't stop thinking and worrying, I might as well post it with the hope that it will relieve some of the anxiety I'm having.
I pray he's not of the mind to be influenced by her. She swooped down on him in the first place when he was in a really bad screwed up.
Sadly, he's seeking spiritual guidance and that's her specialty... He once brought up something she said about me and I had to set him straight. He said he'd believe me because I was his mother and I told him that I didn't want him to do that because of our relationship, but because I'd be the last person who would lie to him.
If you have a sec, please offer up a pray or hope for him that he's not again influenced by her. We were scared about cults when he went to college and then got involved with this woman who drew him in and twisted his thinking and reasoning.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
*hugs* and I will pray for you too! I know how it feels to sit back and watch someone or something else dictate to the one you love, and they turn to that person, or people.... Its scarry and very hurtful.
Lets hope he gets it this time.
Lets hope he gets it this time.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
(((gefling)))
(((gefling's son)))
Hon, I hope this turns out OK. You know the tools in your tool-bag - why not get them out?
He is searching for something that he will only find in himself. One day he'll find it - I hope it's soon.
Thinking of you.
Love
Minnie
xxx
(((gefling's son)))
Hon, I hope this turns out OK. You know the tools in your tool-bag - why not get them out?
He is searching for something that he will only find in himself. One day he'll find it - I hope it's soon.
Thinking of you.
Love
Minnie
xxx
too much on my plate!!
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: not kissing frogs anymore
Posts: 646
(((((((HUGS))))))))) going out to you and your son!
It seems kind of sad that the recovering As' are so vulnerable; I remember seeing that a lot when mine was recovering. He would hang on every word someone would say to him..
It seems kind of sad that the recovering As' are so vulnerable; I remember seeing that a lot when mine was recovering. He would hang on every word someone would say to him..
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
Kathy,
You're doing a great job, you recognise where he's at, you have compassion and it seems to me an awsome maternal instinct. Watching D with his Mum he often looks like he doesn't listen - she was convinced he didn't hear a word years ago but I hear her words repeated to me by him and have never questioned his respect for her. Of course none of that stops him being a prat sometimes, but he has learned bits as he's got older.
On the depression side I agree it does effect reasoning and I wish I had real answers but I don't. I have got a bit better dealing with D getting bouts of it, at first I used to panic, particularly when I saw the effects on his reasoning, I used to be so sure there was no way out of the cycle. Now I just give myself a pep talk that it does usually lighten or pass for a while (and it does). On the name calling front (calling himself names) I either ignore it or if it gets too rough on me I tell him I object and remind him that's my husband he's talking about and that NO-ONE gets to say stuff like that. The othe thing I do is to tighten up on any conflict, I work hard to make sure anything remains about issues not each other and I stick to the issue. I could be 100% wrong but I swear when his depression is bad that he wants me to call him names and and trys to lure me into doing it. I've come to think that because he believes he's crap if he can get me to agree it validates his view (ie it's not depression - it's his realistic self perception). Sometimes the temptation has been HUGE but I don't know why I just have such a strong instinct the depression wants me to join in calling him names when he's down, I don't like the depression so that hunch makes me very stubborn not to do it. I'll still call a spade a spade about any issue - just NO, ZERO, NADA, ZILCH name calling.
The above has helped me, I know that for sure - I don't really know if it's effected him but I doubt it wilkl have done any harm.
It's a personal thing but I want to send you an extra ((((((((((big hug))))))))) because I find D's depression and anxiety as hard if not harder than the drinking to deal with. Sometimes I just have to go off somewhere and have a bit of a cry because it breaks my heart, then I need so much to remember it passes, to remind myself there's hope and good times do come back, to remind myself it can get better.
I'll cross my fingers so tight the blood stops for your son!!!
You're doing a great job, you recognise where he's at, you have compassion and it seems to me an awsome maternal instinct. Watching D with his Mum he often looks like he doesn't listen - she was convinced he didn't hear a word years ago but I hear her words repeated to me by him and have never questioned his respect for her. Of course none of that stops him being a prat sometimes, but he has learned bits as he's got older.
On the depression side I agree it does effect reasoning and I wish I had real answers but I don't. I have got a bit better dealing with D getting bouts of it, at first I used to panic, particularly when I saw the effects on his reasoning, I used to be so sure there was no way out of the cycle. Now I just give myself a pep talk that it does usually lighten or pass for a while (and it does). On the name calling front (calling himself names) I either ignore it or if it gets too rough on me I tell him I object and remind him that's my husband he's talking about and that NO-ONE gets to say stuff like that. The othe thing I do is to tighten up on any conflict, I work hard to make sure anything remains about issues not each other and I stick to the issue. I could be 100% wrong but I swear when his depression is bad that he wants me to call him names and and trys to lure me into doing it. I've come to think that because he believes he's crap if he can get me to agree it validates his view (ie it's not depression - it's his realistic self perception). Sometimes the temptation has been HUGE but I don't know why I just have such a strong instinct the depression wants me to join in calling him names when he's down, I don't like the depression so that hunch makes me very stubborn not to do it. I'll still call a spade a spade about any issue - just NO, ZERO, NADA, ZILCH name calling.
The above has helped me, I know that for sure - I don't really know if it's effected him but I doubt it wilkl have done any harm.
It's a personal thing but I want to send you an extra ((((((((((big hug))))))))) because I find D's depression and anxiety as hard if not harder than the drinking to deal with. Sometimes I just have to go off somewhere and have a bit of a cry because it breaks my heart, then I need so much to remember it passes, to remind myself there's hope and good times do come back, to remind myself it can get better.
I'll cross my fingers so tight the blood stops for your son!!!
Searching and tripping
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Hi everyone...thanks for the wishes, thoughts and prayers.
Update...he came home last night down in the dumps and all red eyed. He said she needed to have surgery to remove her large intestines (which I would bet my house on is an exageration of whatever condition she's got)...she gave no reason nor diagnosis and that there was a 50/50 chance she was going to die. Hubby/AH just about shot out of his chair with anger.
This is her game. Medical issues. Once during summer break when my son was home, she called and told him that her dog sniffed a spot on her leg and she absolutely knew she had cancer. Others before this.
This morning hubby is still pi$$ed about it and wants to tell son that he can't bring up her name in this house. I asked him to wait a few days as son is going to NY for a few days and I don't want him to leave with an attitude. He's driving over 300 miles to get there and I don't want him to undertake the drive while mad.
I remembered other things she'd done over the years. Very hurtful stuff and as I said before, she turned him against us for several years. Then I had to put up with son telling me, she said this and she said that and that I should do this, and if I was any kind of a mother I would....blah blah blah blah. I am in a place in my life where I won't take it if it starts again.
I need to find a way to turn this around so he sees her for what she really is. She's a sick person looking for attention in anyway she can get it. She's never taken into account that our son has his own burdens to deal with then dumps her stuff on him. I discussed this with my therapist a few years back and she said she needed more therapy than I did. That was encouraging...I think. Or maybe she was just nuttier than I.
It was heart breaking to see him sitting there and repeating she had a 50/50 chance. I kept myself under control and didn't ask questions so he didn't think I cared. When he said something or asked a question I would answer and get him to respond with information. Sneaking old broad, ain't I. So, the surgery she's having is nothing drastic the way he tells it and considering he's an intelligent person, I'm amazing that she's still got the power to suck him in. But then she was always good at putting the focus on herself all the time and then accuse me of being a lousy mother.
This same woman hasn't spoken to her son in over 10 years...rather I should say he hasn't spoken with her and refuses to have anything to do with her. That was the one question I asked our son and he seemed surprised that I knew about it. I just mumbled under my breathe in a sort of stage whisper that it's a shame that something happened that caused her son to sever all ties with her. She's got a wonderful husband who idolizes her...wouldn't you know....she has a grand home and all that life can offer her. Yet she's miserable as hell. And wants to take my son down with her.
That's where it stands now. I'm pulling all my energies together and using my "tools" but it's damned tough to do. My son isn't a child, but the depression and alcoholism robbed him of a lot of his abilities to sort things out and look at reason. Before he left for work today, I talked about a friend he was going to be seeing up in NY and about how upbeat and positive she was and how being around people like that is so much healthier. We'll see.
But I'll be a lot happier when she's through the surgery and back down South.
Thanks everyone...blessings and love to you all.
Update...he came home last night down in the dumps and all red eyed. He said she needed to have surgery to remove her large intestines (which I would bet my house on is an exageration of whatever condition she's got)...she gave no reason nor diagnosis and that there was a 50/50 chance she was going to die. Hubby/AH just about shot out of his chair with anger.
This is her game. Medical issues. Once during summer break when my son was home, she called and told him that her dog sniffed a spot on her leg and she absolutely knew she had cancer. Others before this.
This morning hubby is still pi$$ed about it and wants to tell son that he can't bring up her name in this house. I asked him to wait a few days as son is going to NY for a few days and I don't want him to leave with an attitude. He's driving over 300 miles to get there and I don't want him to undertake the drive while mad.
I remembered other things she'd done over the years. Very hurtful stuff and as I said before, she turned him against us for several years. Then I had to put up with son telling me, she said this and she said that and that I should do this, and if I was any kind of a mother I would....blah blah blah blah. I am in a place in my life where I won't take it if it starts again.
I need to find a way to turn this around so he sees her for what she really is. She's a sick person looking for attention in anyway she can get it. She's never taken into account that our son has his own burdens to deal with then dumps her stuff on him. I discussed this with my therapist a few years back and she said she needed more therapy than I did. That was encouraging...I think. Or maybe she was just nuttier than I.
It was heart breaking to see him sitting there and repeating she had a 50/50 chance. I kept myself under control and didn't ask questions so he didn't think I cared. When he said something or asked a question I would answer and get him to respond with information. Sneaking old broad, ain't I. So, the surgery she's having is nothing drastic the way he tells it and considering he's an intelligent person, I'm amazing that she's still got the power to suck him in. But then she was always good at putting the focus on herself all the time and then accuse me of being a lousy mother.
This same woman hasn't spoken to her son in over 10 years...rather I should say he hasn't spoken with her and refuses to have anything to do with her. That was the one question I asked our son and he seemed surprised that I knew about it. I just mumbled under my breathe in a sort of stage whisper that it's a shame that something happened that caused her son to sever all ties with her. She's got a wonderful husband who idolizes her...wouldn't you know....she has a grand home and all that life can offer her. Yet she's miserable as hell. And wants to take my son down with her.
That's where it stands now. I'm pulling all my energies together and using my "tools" but it's damned tough to do. My son isn't a child, but the depression and alcoholism robbed him of a lot of his abilities to sort things out and look at reason. Before he left for work today, I talked about a friend he was going to be seeing up in NY and about how upbeat and positive she was and how being around people like that is so much healthier. We'll see.
But I'll be a lot happier when she's through the surgery and back down South.
Thanks everyone...blessings and love to you all.
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