"controlling his drinking" - anyone buy it?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 67
"controlling his drinking" - anyone buy it?
Hey there - well, after about a month of not even being able to talk to exABF, (too scared, too confused) I finally felt strong enough to start offering a little friendship, as I knew he was going through a very difficult move...
He says he's determined to tell me the truth about his drinking now, because he feels badly about lying to me about it for our whole 2 year relationship. According to him, he's been A for 10 years, 18 - 28, and started trying to quit 3 months ago.
In three months he's had a few beers, only a couple at a time since then, and gone on a 2 day binge the weekend after I left him.
Now, his philosophy de jour is that he drinks "when he wants to, not when he needs to" - anyone buying? I know that there are schools of thought that say a problem drinker CAN learn to control their drinking, and not let it so totally derail their lives (as he has let it the past 10 years). I don't presume to know what I am talking about when it comes to this - I've been dealing with it on a concious level for all of three months. But what sure doesn't sit right with me is his unwillingness to seek treatment - he's not into AA, has read about 1/2 a book on the subject, and recently said he'd go to therapy, but only as part of "couples" counseling.....
Just curious to hear some thoughts on this. Thanks!
He says he's determined to tell me the truth about his drinking now, because he feels badly about lying to me about it for our whole 2 year relationship. According to him, he's been A for 10 years, 18 - 28, and started trying to quit 3 months ago.
In three months he's had a few beers, only a couple at a time since then, and gone on a 2 day binge the weekend after I left him.
Now, his philosophy de jour is that he drinks "when he wants to, not when he needs to" - anyone buying? I know that there are schools of thought that say a problem drinker CAN learn to control their drinking, and not let it so totally derail their lives (as he has let it the past 10 years). I don't presume to know what I am talking about when it comes to this - I've been dealing with it on a concious level for all of three months. But what sure doesn't sit right with me is his unwillingness to seek treatment - he's not into AA, has read about 1/2 a book on the subject, and recently said he'd go to therapy, but only as part of "couples" counseling.....
Just curious to hear some thoughts on this. Thanks!
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
I've seen the "I can control it" attitude with my husband and son. Neither of them were successful and proceeded to go downhill quickly because they couldn't stand their own rules regarding control. Short and sweet...it actually got worse.
This is from my own personal experience. Whether others can tell me any differently and proof positive, I don't believe an "alcholic" can control their drinking, unless they're made of tough stuff.
This is from my own personal experience. Whether others can tell me any differently and proof positive, I don't believe an "alcholic" can control their drinking, unless they're made of tough stuff.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
I'm in a bit of a direct mood this evening (as noted on another thread!), so please note I say this with love.
"trying to quit" is something that makes the hairs stand up on the back of my neck. It's the word "trying" - seems to anticipate failure from the outset, to me.
The fact he went on a binge when you left speaks volumes to me. Instead of recognising why you left, he went out and did the very thing you had a problem with. If this is the way he copes with stress, and he is getting no help on learning new coping methods, then I feel you may be the one who ends up being the "strong" one for ever in this relationship. It is unequal and exhausting.
"when he wants to, not when he needs to" - one and the same for me. A self-fulfilling prophecy. He will always find a reason to want to drink.
Couples counselling was enormously helpful - for me. I left my then fiance. So, if you have a tiny thought of a future with this guy, I would say give it a shot.
How are you doing since you've been apart?
Love
Minnie
xxxx
"trying to quit" is something that makes the hairs stand up on the back of my neck. It's the word "trying" - seems to anticipate failure from the outset, to me.
The fact he went on a binge when you left speaks volumes to me. Instead of recognising why you left, he went out and did the very thing you had a problem with. If this is the way he copes with stress, and he is getting no help on learning new coping methods, then I feel you may be the one who ends up being the "strong" one for ever in this relationship. It is unequal and exhausting.
"when he wants to, not when he needs to" - one and the same for me. A self-fulfilling prophecy. He will always find a reason to want to drink.
Couples counselling was enormously helpful - for me. I left my then fiance. So, if you have a tiny thought of a future with this guy, I would say give it a shot.
How are you doing since you've been apart?
Love
Minnie
xxxx
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 67
Thanks, Gelfing and Minnie -
well, the first couple weeks was rough - I felt really guilty. But, I've been doing a TON of reading, and been busy at work, so it's starting to get alot better. You know, I ask this question not so much as a hope that we'll get back together, but just out of curiosity if that works for anyone. I agree with both of you that my instinct is that he's setting himself up for failure.
The more time we are apart - the more I see that I am willing to grow and change (and to value that quality), and the more I see he is not. The comment about the counsling suprised me. He had been dead set against it. Still, though, I feel like that is putting the responsibility on me somehow - I'm not in counseling yet myself, yet he expects me to hold his hand through that process... amazing. Also along those lines, I went so far as to tell him that I saw a book in HIS library talking all about how to control drinking - he said, "oh, I'd be interested in reading that - please pick it up for me next time you're at (his hometown) library.." again, not even willing to take himself there in the interest of selling me the bill of goods he wants me to buy.
He's through a rough patch now - we'll see how he does now that he's in a new space and has another opportunity to start over. Now comes getting a job (I found the last two he's had and was fired from), going to see a Dr., and I guess actually learning that his alcoholism is still bigger than he is... I will always have hope for him, and want him to succeed in life. I'm just a lot more careful now about how much energy I expend to try and make that happen.
Thanks again ~
well, the first couple weeks was rough - I felt really guilty. But, I've been doing a TON of reading, and been busy at work, so it's starting to get alot better. You know, I ask this question not so much as a hope that we'll get back together, but just out of curiosity if that works for anyone. I agree with both of you that my instinct is that he's setting himself up for failure.
The more time we are apart - the more I see that I am willing to grow and change (and to value that quality), and the more I see he is not. The comment about the counsling suprised me. He had been dead set against it. Still, though, I feel like that is putting the responsibility on me somehow - I'm not in counseling yet myself, yet he expects me to hold his hand through that process... amazing. Also along those lines, I went so far as to tell him that I saw a book in HIS library talking all about how to control drinking - he said, "oh, I'd be interested in reading that - please pick it up for me next time you're at (his hometown) library.." again, not even willing to take himself there in the interest of selling me the bill of goods he wants me to buy.
He's through a rough patch now - we'll see how he does now that he's in a new space and has another opportunity to start over. Now comes getting a job (I found the last two he's had and was fired from), going to see a Dr., and I guess actually learning that his alcoholism is still bigger than he is... I will always have hope for him, and want him to succeed in life. I'm just a lot more careful now about how much energy I expend to try and make that happen.
Thanks again ~
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
(((ggnewme)))
You can have hope for him, but not be with him. I still have hope for my ex, even though he has shown himself to be a drunken, lying barstool. However, the hope I am most interested in, is the hope that I have for myself. And my fellow F&Fs.
Oh, and instinct.......don't ignore it. It's telling you what you need to know.
Love
Minnie
xxx
You can have hope for him, but not be with him. I still have hope for my ex, even though he has shown himself to be a drunken, lying barstool. However, the hope I am most interested in, is the hope that I have for myself. And my fellow F&Fs.
Oh, and instinct.......don't ignore it. It's telling you what you need to know.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
My ex-ABF tryed the controlled drinking for about 1 1/2 years before he went into Recovery for the third time.... did not work for him.
Though you would have thought he had known that since this is his third time in recovery... ahh well who knows how he thinks.. just that it did not work for him. I agree with Minnie, take the focus off him and put it back where you need it, On you. Yep he is not doing anything to correct the situation.
(Minnie I did not mean that in a bad way, I love that about you, you know exactally what you want to say and get right to it. I need to do that more often.)
Though you would have thought he had known that since this is his third time in recovery... ahh well who knows how he thinks.. just that it did not work for him. I agree with Minnie, take the focus off him and put it back where you need it, On you. Yep he is not doing anything to correct the situation.
(Minnie I did not mean that in a bad way, I love that about you, you know exactally what you want to say and get right to it. I need to do that more often.)
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says that for anyone not convinced they are totally powerless over the drink, they should try some controlled drinking and see if its possible. So, thats what hes doing.
Its kinda like a woman trying to fit her size 10 foot into a size 6 shoe. We just gotta cram that baby int here cus its too heartbreaking to ADMIT we have big feet!! ACK! Who wants big feet?
So...we wear those tiny lil shoes cus we want to look good and have sexy feet. It works until we have to start walking in them! Then, the pain comes, and we curse the world for making such uncompfortalbe shoes.....never realizing that it is US who have the big feet!
He just hasnt surrended yet. HOpefully, he will get some blisters that make it so abundantly clear that he, too, cannot wear alcoholism anymore!
Good luck!
Its kinda like a woman trying to fit her size 10 foot into a size 6 shoe. We just gotta cram that baby int here cus its too heartbreaking to ADMIT we have big feet!! ACK! Who wants big feet?
So...we wear those tiny lil shoes cus we want to look good and have sexy feet. It works until we have to start walking in them! Then, the pain comes, and we curse the world for making such uncompfortalbe shoes.....never realizing that it is US who have the big feet!
He just hasnt surrended yet. HOpefully, he will get some blisters that make it so abundantly clear that he, too, cannot wear alcoholism anymore!
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 193
This is my AH method of 'quitting' as well... until the one or two beers he thinks he can handle turns into a pint of Jim Beam, then a fifth, then a half gallon - because "it's more economical!!"
Remember that they need to admit that they are powerless... trying to control it is just holding onto the "power".
Remember that they need to admit that they are powerless... trying to control it is just holding onto the "power".
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
Originally Posted by FriendofBill
Its kinda like a woman trying to fit her size 10 foot into a size 6 shoe.
I had to laugh at this.....reminded me of Cinderella. (If only.. 
)I believe that is what my AH is doing right now. He has not drank for nearly 2 months but I believe it will only be short term. He has not yet admitted he is powerless over alcohol. I truly believe he thinks he can control it.....I don't buy it. I may be confused sometimes, but I'm not blind anymore.
Since he has "stopped" drinking, I've lost some of MY focus. I'm working on putting it back on me. I agree that that is the most important think anyone should do. I can not worry about "when" my AH will start drinking again. I have to get myself back.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: SYDNEY NSW
Posts: 156
I think there is a huge difference between problem drinkers and alcoholics. I know people who have been problem drinkers who now can have one or two drinks no problem. I am an alcoholic. I don't think this is a trial and error process...it is serious business. Alcoholics cannot afford to think that they can control drink. How we can discern between the two without the trial and error process, I don't know. Does anyone?
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 346
I am still not convinced that alcohol is the problem -- it is the vehicle that the drunk personality traits come out. I think this because my AH didn't drink for 8 years but exhibited all of the dry drunk tendencies. I would say that getting drunk most evenings isn't a great indicator that there isn't a problem..........
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