madmax

have just eaten for the first time in two days.. 2 slices of bread.. with tuna and dairylea cheese spread between.. dont knock it.. the two combined taste like salmon at a fraction of the price!

anyway im just going to ramble now for a bit.. i dont have anyone in the real world to talk to.. so im afraid u lot are the closest ive got to human contact..oops i didnt mean that to sound the way it may have.. i do appreciate all the support and help ive got so far.. especially heidi anna mindy and danny boy!!

sorry if ive missed any names out but i will get round to adding u and replying to the private messages .. im just so crap at focusing on things at the moment

and heres the proof.. ive forgotten most of what i was going to say

its Saturday night.. its the night in the UK when ppl are going out..whether it be pubbing clubbing cinema a meal.. and i am sat here on a computer.. its so depressing

for the second time today i wanted to pick up the phone and call Alli.. my wife but something yet again stopped me.. i know what it was but it wouldnt make any sense

i thought ok .. call her meet her.. go halvers in a pizza and watch lord of the rings on tv at 745pm but i just couldnt do it..ok if u want to know i was scared of failing..i was scared of going to the cash machine at bank and taking out the few pounds that are there and immediately going and buying drink

99% of the time we were together i was drinking.. so i now associate her with alcohol just like almost everything else in my life

erm thatll do i think..im just depressing myself even more by typing all this

take care all

Derek

Roxann

Derek, you are right where you should be. Have you been to any meetings yet? It can help so much.

madmax

meetings?.. no
im scared to even go out of the house at the moment let alone putting myself in a situation where i have to be with a group of people.. pathetic isnt it?

Anna

Derek I remember that feeling of fear. For me, I always drank alone, and my husband going away on business would be a big trigger for me. I knew when I beat that one, I was really getting somewhere. The thing is to plan ahead and don't let the triggers sneak up on you. If you associate being with your wife with drinking, maybe you just want to talk on the phone with her for now. Would she understand if you explained the situation to her and would she be supportive? If not, and you are going to see her again, be prepared. Go to a completely different place - maybe the park or a beach, somewhere where alcohol isn't around.

You're doing great. So hang on.

Love, Anna

tyler

Hi Derek,

I understand the feeling of being afraid to go out for fear of what you will do. One possible idea is to call your local AA hotline, should be listed in the phone book and talk to the person on the other end. Oftentimes they can find someone who will come over and pick you up and drop you back home after the meeting. The best thing about meetings is that you will start to meet people who enjoy life to the fullest but don't need to drink to do it. They will give you their phone numbers and really mean it when they tell you to call. They will come over and hang out with you when you are feeling lonely. I understand if you aren't ready for that step yet, but do keep it in mind as a possibility, and by all means keep posting here. Take care.

madmax

thanks tyler.. i just have this feeling.. and i know its probably all in my head.. that if i tell people in the "real" world my problems.. that they are not really interested and i just come across as whingeing.. which is crazy i know bcos i dont think that way when someone tells me their problems

Dan

It's part of our mindset I think Derek... We're wretches. I was so filled with self loathing... Didn't believe I was worth the oxygen I sucked in sometimes...
But I was always ready to lend an ear or a helping hand.
When I could stand up, anyway.

I'm told we get to that place of self hate, or belief that we're worthless, or somehow different than other alcoholics and addicts because that's just how alcoholism and addiction works on our brains.
I never had to question that really, or try and analyse it.
It pretty much describes my experience.

Truth is some other poor wretch out there stands to be tremendously helped by hearing you tell of your problems, tell your story.
That's the absolute truth.

And in the process, you start healing a little.
At least, that's how it was for me.

kckman

Dan, Healing alittle at a time is a big part of sobriety for me too.

HPierce

i assure you madmax that people will not think your just Whining. you'll be suprised on how many people are understanding really. i know i was suprised when i told my closest friend. whom i did alot of drinking with but she understands and supports my decision and even agrees with it haha imagine that! she is a normie (normal person) so she doesnt truely understand our diease but is open to learning about it with me. my mother is an alkie and so is her mom so she can relate too!! anyways keep up the great work. not ready for a face to face meeting... maybe you should check out our online meetings here at SR. they are lots of fun!!

Time4Me11

Hey Max

You are doing just fine. As long as you can stay away from picking up a drink...(keep eating and drinking lots of water!) I suspect you will find that in a few days you will feel fit to start venturing out and relating to people. I don't think there is any reason to force it...so much of the mental and physical fog will lift and you will simply start feeling ready to do more things.

Best Wishes for the day.

kckman

Derek, how are you doing today?