cloudy

My s.o., who is an alcholic/addict - though it seems lately quite more alcoholic. More and more he comes home so late and when he's all drunk like that he keeps me awake for about 2 hours every time until he passes out. I just lay down and say nothing, for I know what that does. But then the time always comes where I say please stop I'm trying to sleep (for whatever loud noise he's making at the time, and there's a slew of them). It doesn't seem to matter even when I don't talk to him he'll come ask me something (and in no nice way) and I'll just lay there and then it's answer me when I'm talking to you. Then I'll say I don't know then back to the same cycle. What do I do? I have nowhere to lock myself away, and all the noise would still be there anyway. At that point I already know if I did that he'd get so pissed he'd probably pound/break the door anyway. I've even taken a sleeping tab before to try and sleep....can't sleep through that. I just lay there and pray please let him pass out please let him pass out please keep me and the animals safe and I hang on to my cell phone. How can I detach please give some advice. Night after night, I am not getting but 4-5 hours of restless sleep. if that. It's not healthy for me.

Also I've tried talking to him about it when he's sober, which is a state I rarely see him in lately....It doesn't matter he does it anyway-every time.

JT

That's your answer...now what are your alternatives?

What are you worth?
((Hugs))
JT

Magichappens

Hi Cloudy,
Before I decided to get support for myself, I felt that anything I did to keep my sanity wasn't ok. I felt that it would upset Mr Magic if I set boundaries and did things that were healthy for me. And I blamed him for all of it.


When I started recovery, it was still hard, but I started doing one little thing at a time to start taking care of me. One of those things was that I would sleep in another room if his actions were disturbing me. The couch and the extra bedroom were my options. I didn't like not being able to sleep in my own bed, but I had to find some options.

Part of my not being able to sleep was my worrying about him. It took a while of attending Al-Anon and working the program before the worry and restlessness started to subside. But if I hadn't done it, I would still be in that state today.

We have choices. They aren't always the most pleasant of choices, but we don't have to be consumed by alcoholism. Not taking any action is a choice too. I made that choice because I didn't have the courage to take care of myself. Getting support helped me to see that I was worth taking care of, and that it was ok to do that. Hugs, Magic

cloudy

Thanks all. Yeah, me moving doesn’t stop him, it just seems to make it worse. And it’s no nice kind of banter either with him. I hate who he has become. He says mean things about me, the animals, my family…..he’s vindictive and he has an extremely negative frame of mind and sees any action present or past that I’ve done it seems as something horrible and negative. All he sees is red. And black. (no offense to those beautiful colors). This is who he has become. Any facial expression I make, anything I say to him or anyone else. He will pick out any thing he can. He’s become a monster. He was going to try to go to rehab but has cancelled that and said live with it or don’t. It would be my dream come true for him to pack up and leave to some other state. I can not leave, so that is not an option. I just wanted things to be able to end peacefully. I can honestly say right now I have some fear. I do see that this is not going to work out. I just don’t know what to do right now is all.

I do go to Alanon, I look forward to it every Friday. I do have self worth, I just feel like I am stuck. Completely stuck. It’s impossible to have any type of conversation with him without it turning into what I described above and pounding the table, saying mean things, etc. etc. Going out getting **** faced coming back all messed up and being loud or doing things that make it impossible for me to sleep until he passes out.

He left me a note, all drunk font, to wake him. I woke him, but wasn’t warm. Not cold, but not nicee nicee, guarantee he’ll let me know that even thought it’s not my fault,,,,,that this set him off. The tone I said it, the expression (any expression probably just dead pan due to no sleep)

Every time I mention people say leave. I can’t. I truly can’t. At any given moment if I were to be in physical danger, I would walk out, or run out, and call 911 while doing so. But that would be just for that time period. Not permanent.

I have yet to find my alternatives. Or a way to separate, peacefully. Things he has said to me, I never know which ones he means, remembers, whatever. Communication is confusing to say the least. He might say one day, I’d leave if you want. The next, I’m not going anywhere you leave (and no, I can’t). And I know you’ve planned behind my back well there’s this law and that. To him, everything is behind his back. As far as that goes, I guess I can’t really talk to him about that, but it’s not in my mind meant to be some horrible, behind his back type of thing. More like I just can’t talk to him about it. And plus I’ve gone back and forth, back and forth. I wanted it to work, I really did. But he’s made it clear it will be this way accept it or not. I don’t.

Anything else though, behind his back. He makes no sense. But he’s got it all figured out see, he knows…..he understands me and I never understood or even tried to understand him at all….. I have. But it doesn’t matter. Understanding or not, it doesn’t change the fact this is a problem. Whatever the “reason” he does this, however his life molded him as he goes on and on about….. (by the way he says snidely well I didn’t grow up all nicey like you did) (1st he doesn’t know how I grew up and that’s a cop out anyway – he could pick out nice things to say about his growing up life if he wanted to) – And anyway, it doesn’t change the now - “understanding” doesn’t change the fact what’s happening is happening and that I don’t want to live like this…..Boundaries. I’ve said I don’t want woke up middle of night kept up, said I don’t like the meanness. They get crossed, I try to stay out of the way….there is no consequence to him crossing my boundaries. It helps me know I don’t want to live this way, so in that sense when my boundaries get crossed, it keeps me closer to an actual decision instead of on the fence, yet I still feel completely stuck. I see no alternative for me at this point. Just that he leave, which isn’t happening. And for it to be peaceful.

One thing this is helping me with, is I know I HAVE to get a sponsor and quick. No time to be picky. Things ARE out of control, and I AM a mess right now. Going to alanon helps a lot. If not for that, this episode of me losing it and going off the deep end would surely be worse.

walkingtheline

Is there a woman's shelter in your area? They could offer some advice about finding a way to "separate, peacefully". Do you have an escape plan?
Fear seems to radiate from your post, or am I misreading an obsession? There are many here who have found ways to "separate, peacefully". If you ask, I'm sure they'd share their experiences about what was sucessful etc.

Stay safe, Cloudy.

cloudy

Walking the Line wrote: There are many here who have found ways to "separate, peacefully". If you ask, I'm sure they'd share their experiences about what was sucessful etc. Stay safe, Cloudy.

---------------------
YES please I would love to hear them.
I also want to have my animals with me always.

Beautiful

Coping with an abuser is like drinking gasoline. It's poisonous and you'll end up dead in the end.

You deserve so much better. Get a sponsor and don't look back.

cloudy

thanks Day, somehow it feels good to have some verification, even though I know it, that this just is not right and he is being nasty. And yes, I am recognizing fear in myself, and for the animals for sure. A big signal to myself and with him deciding he's not going to treatment, another big signal, more like answer. Just stuck from that point..... The animals. Cat, easy. Dog, nothing. I know nobody or anywhere to take him. He's a doll with me, a monster with (most) others. Didn't have him all his life, think it wasn't the best elsewhere. Counselor, last year I started then my car died. And it's still dead. I wish they made house calls, I think I get 4 free per year (not of my exact choice but hey I'll take whatever!) Course, a house call with the dog...um maybe not :- ) I think what's clouding me up the most is 1) not knowing what part of this IS mine (even though this is bs regardless) 2) wanted it to end peaceful, not have any bad to my name in his OR others eyes (yet I know people just "don't" know other than what he'd say and plus it's a ridiculous reason for me to have and he just thinks so negative and there's not much I can do I guess about it 3) serious house stuff, and wanting to properly handle it while securing my rightful place and that of the animals 4) fear - plain fear.
Anyway though to cope, I will go to alanon again (I do get to have a way there every friday) and I will make it known I want a sponsor. This might help a lot, has to I figure. Thank you for your support. It's nice to have support.

Beautiful, thank you. and thank you for your advice and support.

Everybody who replied, thanks. And anyone who's at the beginning of a crazy situation, maybe you can learn from mine, I hope. Right now I don't call it abuse yet, since no physical. But I do feel that my safety and that of the animals is being compromised and that should be enough. Also my physical health by means of no sleep. Also tired of the horrible mean things he's been saying lately. Especially about my family, and the animals (when drunk)

I pray something happens that helps me move forward. Some opening, where's that open window, I'll be watching for it :- )

Ann

Cloudy

I don't know the reasons you can't leave, but staying sounds very dangeroous and abusive.

Please call a women's shelter and just talk to a counsellor. You don't have to go there to talk to them. They may have suggestions that will help you. If it's your animals, maybe you could arrange with your family to take them for a while, if you need to find a place.

Whatever you decide to do, we're here and we care, and my prayers go out for you.

Hugs
Ann

cloudy

Thank you Ann,
I wish the family could, perhaps a kennel temporarily I guess if they wouldn't get bit, I don't know....and on the spot timing I don't know. Thank you for the support.

Last night was peaceful and I got sleep. He was there on the couch. Once again, no talking from me, or him, nary a word said. Including no apology...I hate that part. I so was hoping he'd go to treatment. But he's made his decision.

Last night I watched the movie Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events. I tell you what - the end of that movie, I wish I could print it out here but I don't want to ruin it for anyone. It was gutwrenchingly, heartwarmingly - beautiful and so perfect for anyone in Alanon, Naranon.. anything.

I highly recommend that movie...for adults and children both

Perhaps I will call the Women's Shelter, just to see what they say...I feel a bit off about it, but it's just a phone conversation.

Also hopefully I will find a sponsor very soon, whoever will take me I don't have time to be picky else I'll surely end up in the nuthouse-And we all know I can't go there without the animals so I must get sane :- )

knottedup

To keep my husband from doing this to me, I would leave food out on the counter (leftovers, cereal, etc) and my H would eat, get drowsy and pass out. It worked miracles---course, that's like putting a band-aid on a severed limb...home you find your answers.

cloudy

thanks Day and Knotted Up. I didn't know there are muzzles like that! I will definitely look when I go to the petstore Friday. The home situation, a little different, still don't know where I could take the dog temporarily if/when needed but I am going to keep thinking. That muzzle idea would surely be helpful though. The idea about leaving things out on the counter to eat is brilliant as well, and one I intend to try out for in the meantime. I got sleep last night. I wish I could say things were nice but they aren't really...hurts. especially the part that bugs me most is wondering what i did to help it, it'd be much less painful if it were all his fault, horrible as he can be. Not looking forward to Saturday, as I know there were definitely be much drinking...time to get some snacks and keep thinking and praying. Friday I go to Alanon.

thanks again for the es&h and support

rivercitybelle

Here's a couple links that might help you
http://www.hsus.org/ace/20902
http://www.hsus.org/ace/20663
Contact your local humane society - they may know of programs in your area that aren't listed elsewhere.

cloudy

Thank you! When he goes to the vet he has to wear one that covers his whole nose and mouth, it is nice they have more “breathable” ones as well.

On the part where I wish none of this were my fault, I don’t know maybe it’s a step 4 thing I need to do. But without a sponsor I think I have to wait? Not sure. I mean not in terms of making the alcoholism worse but things that messed up the relationship itself. Mainly, lack of sex from me. Not helped by his mean point outs of it or the state things have been in so long, yet I hear of plenty in this type of relationship and they have no problem with it. So, I feel as though since this is probably one of the top 2 things about relationships, that I had a strong part in its dysfunctionality. Also, I think back to things I put up with soon in the relationship – such as not allowing myself the time and space I needed to remain free….(I remember thinking oh I just want to be alone for a minute to stare at the wall…now, sometimes I enjoy the time alone, sometimes I resent it for the sheer “principle” of it all) and being overly sensitive to his jealous tendencies or maybe the other way around. I understand jealousy full on, but the way of handling it, I don’t care for from him from the start. I remember about ½ a year to a year in, an old boyfriend called me. I would have peacefully called him, alone, and nicely told him I’m in a relationship now, etc. But no, he had to hear me say it in front of him. And don’t be nice that will lead them on. So it was completely unnatural. That was a huge deal to me. I remember way bach then, that was a huge turning point and I wish I’d stood up then. I let him know how I felt, yet I complied with his wishes, to ease his mind…shouldn’t have done that. Then, another one called….oh help I thought. Again, right in front of him went of my pager and it was the same thing… I can think of times since then, where I then started to resent any extra freedom I thought he had, for he had taken mine away (or I allowed it..)…..he had not allowed me to be me. Things would have turned out how he wanted, just not in the manner of acts he wanted. I should not have said I would marry him, when there were doubts in my mind. But I figured love will conquer all. I knew I loved him more than ever, mainly for who and how he was for so long at first. And there had been many good times. Every relationship has issues I thought, and we can work them out. Why would I be so paranoid, so afraid to leap I thought…..and maybe I did that too. (course, I also didn't know about the drug/alcohol addiction then either...) Maybe I was too timid on some things, too boistrous on others. I could go on all day with different things, I know right now I’m leaving out some important ones that just aren’t coming up right now.

Perhaps I should try this step 4. Perhaps it will help me. Like the recent post said, I think it was JT? I think the post is called I just have to say. Alanon will help us get into a stable frame of mind, where we are again capable of thinking clearly and making decisions. These are diseases that affect the entire circle of family and loved ones.

Thank you, again :- )

P.S. Thanks river city belle! I just came on to quickly paste my note and saw what you wrote. I will take a look

Magichappens

Cloudy,
Are you attending meetings? If so, there is a great pamphlet on sponsorship that should be available on the literature rack. It may help you to find someone to work with. Having guidance working the steps helps a lot, but being willing to work them is the real key. The literature is a wonderful guide, if you are ready to move on to the next step. A suggestion that might be helpful is to join the step study on this forum. Steps 1,2, and3 have already been posted. Good luck, and Hugs, Magic

cloudy

Hello! I attend every Friday, and have read every pamphlet I've seen other than the "children of" ones. Haven't seen the one on sponsorship. Thanks for the suggestion about the steps put here, I am looking for a sponsor, and have decided it's time to stop being picky and just take whoever will take me. The one person I was going to ask, her husband is very ill and last I heard someone say she was not feeling so well also :- ( which I feel sad about because I don't want anything to happen to her she is so nice. And her husband too. I am going to leave her be and just take whoever and pray that the whoever is the right one for me. Anythings better than nothing at this point!

cloudy

So, going by my last couple posts.....should I try step 4, will that help me sort out what's mine, ....or is it too soon for that and I need to just let it be for now

Magichappens

When I sponsor someone, I usually ask if they are comfortable and really understand the first three. If they feel they are, then they are ready. Working the steps for the first time is just the beginning. Honesty, openmindedness, and willingness are the key to working a successful program. This may be the first thorough inventory you've taken, but it won't be the last. I realized that no one has EVER written a perfect inventory. That's what the tenth step is for.

The only caution I have is to make sure you have someone who can support you while you are doing your inventory. It can get emotional and painful at times, and we need someone to know and can be ready to comfort and support us. Growth can be painful at times, but attempting it alone can be agonizing. Even just an understanding friend can just be there for us. It doesn't have to be someone who is an official sponsor.

It took me about 3 months to do what I felt was a thorough inventory. I couldn't do it all at once. Different people have different experiences with it. I had to take breaks from it. Then I would plow back into it. That first one was a doozy.

Whatever you decide to do, it will be fine. But it's your decision. It's your journey. These are your choices to make. If you choose wrong, you will learn. If you choose right, it will be your success. Either way, you win. Hugs, Magic

Petra

Sleepless

I can relate to everything you are going through. I am working on three to four hours a night right now because I don't know when my husband is coming home sometimes never sometimes at 4 am and when he is around me he is full of rage. I do remove myself by going to my sons to sleep or a friends house.

JT

And cloudy...until you get a sponsor use the call list. You think we are supportive? Just wait until you meet a fellow member down the road with a car! Surround yourself with those people...they can save your sanity and your life!

You are right, I did write that thread you mentioned about getting sane enough to make decisions. That was true for me but I could afford to hang out and work on myself. I was not living in doubt of my safety. No one in Al Anon or outside will ever tell you to hang in there if you there is severe emotional or physical abuse.

I have to admit that I have used food, too. A big ol' plate of pasta and it's lights out!!

Hugs,
JT