How do I know if he is really addicted?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Walpole, MA
Posts: 4
How do I know if he is really addicted?
Hi all. I'm brand new here and my husband just announced to me about 6 weeks ago that he has an addiction problem. We've been married 18 years, 3 kids, rocky marriage, but things got much worse for me since last June or so. I was away at our summer place for a good part of the summer and husband was at home and working Monday-Thursday. When we were together on weekends he was meaner than usual, detached and just did some risky, crazy things that had me perplexed. I found a razor blade in his car out in the open and I just had a terrible feeling. I went into the house, asked him what the blade was for and he just out and said "Well, I think I have an addiction problem." My heart hit the floor. He is only 40, has a very high stature marketing job, has lived a very upstanding and great life.............for God's sake we live in a beautiful home in the suburbs and he is doing cocaine right and left. I have so many horrible emotions and I'm trying to move forward for myself and get into a treatment program, but all I want to know is how on earth can I know for sure if he is stopping? I grew up with a raging alcoholic father and I never ever thought I'd be in this position with the guy I married. He says he only used 3 or 4 times a week. Is that enough to be addicted? He says he has quit on his own and that he realizes what he has to lose and so he just stopped. I was fooled for 6 months, I found it impossible to trust him. I search his cell phone, I go through the gym bag........he thinks I'm dirt for spying. Help!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 193
Welcome.. I think you've found the right place! First, please know that you didn't cause any of this, you can't control it & you can't cure it... I readily repeat that to myself & I have known that my husband has been an alcoholic for 18 years! I highly suggest reading the power posts - check out an Alanon meeting if you haven't already - read read read...
Hugs... you are not alone!
Hugs... you are not alone!
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
Addiction is indiscriminate.
Happens to the rich, poor, old, young, lawyer, accountant, cashier, even president of the united states.
Could it be you have been in denial all this time?
Happens to the rich, poor, old, young, lawyer, accountant, cashier, even president of the united states.
Could it be you have been in denial all this time?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
This might help. At least if you want to know what the clinical definition of alcoholism is, some people prefere their own definition and that has to be respected but this is the one doctors use.
It describes alcoholism - alcohol dependency, whether or not that applies to your husband II'm afraid I couldn't help much with. Hope you're ok...
DSM IV TR Alcohol dependency
Whoops!! Sorry - I glanced without paying enough attention, I'll go and try to find the right one now!
Cocaine dependence.
I've left the other one up because the title may bring people in looking for alcohol info.
Please forgive me for not reading your post carefully enough.
It describes alcoholism - alcohol dependency, whether or not that applies to your husband II'm afraid I couldn't help much with. Hope you're ok...
DSM IV TR Alcohol dependency
Whoops!! Sorry - I glanced without paying enough attention, I'll go and try to find the right one now!
Cocaine dependence.
I've left the other one up because the title may bring people in looking for alcohol info.
Please forgive me for not reading your post carefully enough.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Walpole, MA
Posts: 4
Thanks to all....
I have already benefitted from all of your kind words and sound advice. Thank you all!! And yes, I think I may have been in denial -- which is a good point that I had not even thought of. Thanks for the cocaine info. sight too.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 103
Libbylil,
Welcome!! I am so glad you found this forum. It is a wonderful place with many kind and wise people. I also live in Massachusetts and have many family/friends in or near your area. I wanted to respond because a close friend of mine's husband (he is now 48) had a serious cocaine addiction for many years. He had his own successful business, they live in a lovely home, my friend also has a very successful job.
My husband is an alcoholic, and my friend is the one who encouraged me (patiently) to go to Al Anon. I couldn't accept the fact that my husband was an addict until about 1 year ago. And to me, my friend's husband's problem was "worse" and so how could I need to go to AlAnon??? Addiction is addiction. It really is a learning process, and a very painful one, to admit that your loved one is an addict and that you can't control it, cure it and you didn't cause it. Admitting the problem is at least a very big step for your husband. I realize he is in trouble and you are scared. With the both of you admitting the addiction exists and getting help, you have come very far indeed.
My friend's husband was a cocaine addict for about 20 years! It wasn't daily--but a few times a week is enough. She lives very near to you. My friend really went through hell with it and thought of leaving all the time. I didn't know about it for a while, he is pretty functioning and well respected as your AH is. The worst part for her was that he just didn't come home some nights, hanging out with his coke buddies. Then he lost his business. The good news--he got clean a year ago after he had a health scare. My friend is still mostly supporting them, but he is trying very hard to get his life back on track and she is so glad he is clean. She told me many times that Al Anon was a godsend, and she still goes. And, she was a godsend to me because I finally went with her encouragement.
So there is hope! I know this must be overwhelming for you and the razor story is very scary. It sounds like he is willing to try to help himself. I'm so glad you came here. Wishing you all the very best...you will be in my thoughts.
Welcome!! I am so glad you found this forum. It is a wonderful place with many kind and wise people. I also live in Massachusetts and have many family/friends in or near your area. I wanted to respond because a close friend of mine's husband (he is now 48) had a serious cocaine addiction for many years. He had his own successful business, they live in a lovely home, my friend also has a very successful job.
My husband is an alcoholic, and my friend is the one who encouraged me (patiently) to go to Al Anon. I couldn't accept the fact that my husband was an addict until about 1 year ago. And to me, my friend's husband's problem was "worse" and so how could I need to go to AlAnon??? Addiction is addiction. It really is a learning process, and a very painful one, to admit that your loved one is an addict and that you can't control it, cure it and you didn't cause it. Admitting the problem is at least a very big step for your husband. I realize he is in trouble and you are scared. With the both of you admitting the addiction exists and getting help, you have come very far indeed.
My friend's husband was a cocaine addict for about 20 years! It wasn't daily--but a few times a week is enough. She lives very near to you. My friend really went through hell with it and thought of leaving all the time. I didn't know about it for a while, he is pretty functioning and well respected as your AH is. The worst part for her was that he just didn't come home some nights, hanging out with his coke buddies. Then he lost his business. The good news--he got clean a year ago after he had a health scare. My friend is still mostly supporting them, but he is trying very hard to get his life back on track and she is so glad he is clean. She told me many times that Al Anon was a godsend, and she still goes. And, she was a godsend to me because I finally went with her encouragement.
So there is hope! I know this must be overwhelming for you and the razor story is very scary. It sounds like he is willing to try to help himself. I'm so glad you came here. Wishing you all the very best...you will be in my thoughts.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Walpole, MA
Posts: 4
Your kind words came at just the right time........
Rara,
Many thanks to you for your kind and thoughtful words to me yesterday. After literally being blindsighted by my husband's drug use 6 weeks ago (after 18 years of marriage, no less) I'm still reeling with the shock, anger, sadness. I turned to this site to help me until I get firmly into counselling (I have my first appointment with my husband at a counsellor tomorrow morning and am so relieved for that). You were there for me and I thank you.
Isn't it coincidental we are from the same area? Your description of your friend whose husband was a coke addict is eerily familiar to my situation. I was wondering, did your friend's husband lose his business because of his addiction? At least she works and supports them -- I often worry about that because I'm a stay-at-home mom with three kids and if he messes up his job or we divorce, I worry about supporting myself. I'm glad for her that he quit and hope it lasts.
As for your situation, I really do feel for you. My dad was an alcoholic and I can relate to your situation with true empathy. I don't care who the alcoholic is, so many of the 'symptoms' that affect the family are across the board. It is quite a struggle to stay and you must have a lot of courage.
Enjoy this beautiful New England day -- it won't last long from what I hear!
Many thanks to you for your kind and thoughtful words to me yesterday. After literally being blindsighted by my husband's drug use 6 weeks ago (after 18 years of marriage, no less) I'm still reeling with the shock, anger, sadness. I turned to this site to help me until I get firmly into counselling (I have my first appointment with my husband at a counsellor tomorrow morning and am so relieved for that). You were there for me and I thank you.
Isn't it coincidental we are from the same area? Your description of your friend whose husband was a coke addict is eerily familiar to my situation. I was wondering, did your friend's husband lose his business because of his addiction? At least she works and supports them -- I often worry about that because I'm a stay-at-home mom with three kids and if he messes up his job or we divorce, I worry about supporting myself. I'm glad for her that he quit and hope it lasts.
As for your situation, I really do feel for you. My dad was an alcoholic and I can relate to your situation with true empathy. I don't care who the alcoholic is, so many of the 'symptoms' that affect the family are across the board. It is quite a struggle to stay and you must have a lot of courage.
Enjoy this beautiful New England day -- it won't last long from what I hear!
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hi libby,
Welcome. Glad you could join us. Reaching out from the isolation is the first step in finding help and healing for ourself. Al-Anon helped me a lot. Many members have children. If you can get to a meeting or two, it's worth checking out. There is a lot of support and recovery there. Good luck in your counselling, and keep reading and posting with us. Hugs, Magic
Welcome. Glad you could join us. Reaching out from the isolation is the first step in finding help and healing for ourself. Al-Anon helped me a lot. Many members have children. If you can get to a meeting or two, it's worth checking out. There is a lot of support and recovery there. Good luck in your counselling, and keep reading and posting with us. Hugs, Magic
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 103
Libbylil,
I am really glad that I was able to help you a bit. Being helpful in this situation often involves support and empathy which those of us dealing with an addicted spouse REALLY need.
I hesitated to tell you that my friend's husband lost his business. His coke problem did contribute but it was combined with lots of changes in the business climate he was in/economy, etc. It doesn't mean your husband is going to lose his job, particularly since he is getting help now. Even counseling is such a big step. My friend works and contributes much of their income but he is working, just not at his former capacity. And as I know now, age is a factor when you are looking for a job at 48 (not to say it has to be, but in this case it is).
He is still clean after maybe 18 months? but my friend is still anxious, especially if he hangs around his old friends. He is doing well and really had a scare (heart attack) so that pushed him ot quit. He was in bad shape anyway, so the coke wasn't all of it. He also got diabetes from not taking care of his health at all, and heart problems and diabetes are not as common as in later years.
I think you will probably be OK if he gets help and sticks to it (you too). My AH has sober periods and is a great guy when sober, but it is a pretty bad situation for me. Alcoholism is a terrible, selfish disease. I don't have my own kids, but I really would be better off (emotionally) if I left him. It isn't so much courage as fear---that is another story. I have only been married 4 years, and the problem was not bad until 2 years ago. It's only been recently that I have been able to work on myself and find myself again and I am doing pretty well. Six months ago I was a mess. Al Anon and this board (also lots of reading) have helped me tremendously. I can recommend a book called "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. My friend told me about that one too. You can order it online. It is a great book.
Yes, it is so funny that I live near you (actually about 50 miles away, but I grew up in the Boston area and most of my friends/family are on the South Shore or in towns near you. It can happen to anyone and it does. I am seeing my friend this weekend and I will ask her some more questions about the cocaine abuse. Anything in particular you may want me to ask??? She would be happy to share.
Take care!
I am really glad that I was able to help you a bit. Being helpful in this situation often involves support and empathy which those of us dealing with an addicted spouse REALLY need.
I hesitated to tell you that my friend's husband lost his business. His coke problem did contribute but it was combined with lots of changes in the business climate he was in/economy, etc. It doesn't mean your husband is going to lose his job, particularly since he is getting help now. Even counseling is such a big step. My friend works and contributes much of their income but he is working, just not at his former capacity. And as I know now, age is a factor when you are looking for a job at 48 (not to say it has to be, but in this case it is).
He is still clean after maybe 18 months? but my friend is still anxious, especially if he hangs around his old friends. He is doing well and really had a scare (heart attack) so that pushed him ot quit. He was in bad shape anyway, so the coke wasn't all of it. He also got diabetes from not taking care of his health at all, and heart problems and diabetes are not as common as in later years.
I think you will probably be OK if he gets help and sticks to it (you too). My AH has sober periods and is a great guy when sober, but it is a pretty bad situation for me. Alcoholism is a terrible, selfish disease. I don't have my own kids, but I really would be better off (emotionally) if I left him. It isn't so much courage as fear---that is another story. I have only been married 4 years, and the problem was not bad until 2 years ago. It's only been recently that I have been able to work on myself and find myself again and I am doing pretty well. Six months ago I was a mess. Al Anon and this board (also lots of reading) have helped me tremendously. I can recommend a book called "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. My friend told me about that one too. You can order it online. It is a great book.
Yes, it is so funny that I live near you (actually about 50 miles away, but I grew up in the Boston area and most of my friends/family are on the South Shore or in towns near you. It can happen to anyone and it does. I am seeing my friend this weekend and I will ask her some more questions about the cocaine abuse. Anything in particular you may want me to ask??? She would be happy to share.
Take care!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Illinois
Posts: 2
Welcome. I am brand new here to (only a few weeks). I know exactly what you are going through.
Don't feel bad about not knowing. They learn to hide and they can hide it very well for a while. My husband had his addiction for years before I knew. I only found out when it got out of control. I think they know how to control it for a little while and then it all catches up with them.
I don't think you are dirt for spying but you have to ask your self this "does it make you feel any better when you do it"? I know it didn't for me. Everytime I spied, I never found anything and it never gave me a piece of mind.
I think it's okay to not trust at this point. I still don't completely trust my husband and sometimes I don't know if I ever will. The difference now is I have faith in him and I think faith and trust somewhat go hand in hand.
My suggestion to you, is do alot of reading on SR and post a lot. I think you will learn a lot from all the wonderful people here.
Good luck to you and your husband. I think the first step with his has already been made, he came clean to you with addiction problem, that is great. And you yourself have already made the first step by finding SR!
Don't feel bad about not knowing. They learn to hide and they can hide it very well for a while. My husband had his addiction for years before I knew. I only found out when it got out of control. I think they know how to control it for a little while and then it all catches up with them.
I don't think you are dirt for spying but you have to ask your self this "does it make you feel any better when you do it"? I know it didn't for me. Everytime I spied, I never found anything and it never gave me a piece of mind.
I think it's okay to not trust at this point. I still don't completely trust my husband and sometimes I don't know if I ever will. The difference now is I have faith in him and I think faith and trust somewhat go hand in hand.
My suggestion to you, is do alot of reading on SR and post a lot. I think you will learn a lot from all the wonderful people here.
Good luck to you and your husband. I think the first step with his has already been made, he came clean to you with addiction problem, that is great. And you yourself have already made the first step by finding SR!
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