Feeling Betrayed after 35 years
Believe in Miracles
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 26
Feeling Betrayed after 35 years
After 35 years of being married to a man I am totally in love with I am trying with everything I have to let him go. This is one of the most difficult times in my life. My husband is a full blown addict. He was a drinker when we met and then turned to street drugs. Last November I asked him to leave, he had his own business and the money was gone and the debt was piled high. He was gone for two weeks and went on a cocaine binge. This man is 56 years old and I fear that one day I am going to get a call that he is dead. After 2 weeks he called and wanted help. He delayed this help and then when he finally went into an outpatient detox program he only went for 7 days. He made many promises to get work and stop using I believed him again and again. He now smokes crack and drinks and who knows what else and last week after 6 months of nothing changing I asked him to leave again. He now blames me for everything and that is really painful when all I wanted to do is help him. He is sleeping in his car at the garage that he has his business in and goes home during the day to shower and get some clean clothes. My heart breaks for him I am torn between wanting to tell him to come home and not doing anything anymore. I have said some pretty awful things to him and feel bad about that but the anger gets the better of me. We have 4 children and 5 beautiful grandchildren. This is the time of our life that we should be enjoying all of what we could have accomplised and I am looking at losing my house and my husband. I don't know if anyone has some advice for me but I would love to hear it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: western canada
Posts: 1,441
Petra...
A warm welcome to Sober Recovery.
I'm sorry that addiction has ripped the ground out from under you. It's a huge... bitter pill to swallow... but... acknowledging the reality of the situation is the only way to save what is left of our lives as we watch the people we love destroy themselves.
There is no magic wand.
There is only the stark reality of ... "where do I go from here."
Understanding addiction and the underlying disease of codependancy is a good first step.
My mother left my father after 32 years.
Life does go on...
Praying for answers for you...
A warm welcome to Sober Recovery.
I'm sorry that addiction has ripped the ground out from under you. It's a huge... bitter pill to swallow... but... acknowledging the reality of the situation is the only way to save what is left of our lives as we watch the people we love destroy themselves.
There is no magic wand.
There is only the stark reality of ... "where do I go from here."
Understanding addiction and the underlying disease of codependancy is a good first step.
My mother left my father after 32 years.
Life does go on...
Praying for answers for you...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Hi Petra and welcome to Sober Recovery.
The disease of addiction is powerful and destructive.
And it leaves a lot of emotionally broken people in it's path.
Come on down to the Naranon and Friends and Family boards.
There are many people there who understand what you're going through and who will offer you lots of support and kind words.
Glad you found us.
The disease of addiction is powerful and destructive.
And it leaves a lot of emotionally broken people in it's path.
Come on down to the Naranon and Friends and Family boards.
There are many people there who understand what you're going through and who will offer you lots of support and kind words.
Glad you found us.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 425
Petra, welcome and sorry to hear of your predicament.
A close friend of mine for over 20 years stayed with her alcoholic husband for over 28 years. For years she would cry on my shoulder about him coming in crawling on the floor. Falling asleep on the kitchen floor and awakening in his own vomit and urine.
The things I could tell you that she tolerated were wild, but I am sure you must have your own book of stories after 35 years.
She used to tell me she was staying for the kids. Then when the kids grew up and had their own kids, she could no long find a reason to stay. He became unemployable, angry, and disrespectful most of the time.
She hung on for the longest time out of pity. I once heard her say, when the love goes, you stay for the pity, but when the pity goes, you have nothing left inside of you. She left him about 5 years ago, and she truly is a different person now. Happy and optimistic about her future. By the way, he still has not quit drinking.
All the best to you, know that we care and feel free to vent here any time
Diana
A close friend of mine for over 20 years stayed with her alcoholic husband for over 28 years. For years she would cry on my shoulder about him coming in crawling on the floor. Falling asleep on the kitchen floor and awakening in his own vomit and urine.
The things I could tell you that she tolerated were wild, but I am sure you must have your own book of stories after 35 years.
She used to tell me she was staying for the kids. Then when the kids grew up and had their own kids, she could no long find a reason to stay. He became unemployable, angry, and disrespectful most of the time.
She hung on for the longest time out of pity. I once heard her say, when the love goes, you stay for the pity, but when the pity goes, you have nothing left inside of you. She left him about 5 years ago, and she truly is a different person now. Happy and optimistic about her future. By the way, he still has not quit drinking.
All the best to you, know that we care and feel free to vent here any time
Diana
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Hi Petra and welcome!
Despite all the years and all the love you have for him and he has for you it's just not enough to get someone to quit. Unfortunatly, it is the sad reality of addiction. I'm so very sorry you have had to endure watching the one you love spiral into the lowest of lows in his life. When he is ready he will find his way, some make it some don't, the only thing you can do is to take care of yourself. Find a means of support with other women who experience what your going through. Support is a powerful thing. As hard as it is to let go, it is sometimes the best thing you can do for them.
I'll be celebrating 25 years of marriage next month. I was the alcoholic in my relationship. No matter how hard he tried, no matter what he said, no matter that he left me for almost two years it wasn't enough. I had to find the strength and resolve within myself to finally get help and get better. I'll be praying he finds his way. *hugs*
Despite all the years and all the love you have for him and he has for you it's just not enough to get someone to quit. Unfortunatly, it is the sad reality of addiction. I'm so very sorry you have had to endure watching the one you love spiral into the lowest of lows in his life. When he is ready he will find his way, some make it some don't, the only thing you can do is to take care of yourself. Find a means of support with other women who experience what your going through. Support is a powerful thing. As hard as it is to let go, it is sometimes the best thing you can do for them.
I'll be celebrating 25 years of marriage next month. I was the alcoholic in my relationship. No matter how hard he tried, no matter what he said, no matter that he left me for almost two years it wasn't enough. I had to find the strength and resolve within myself to finally get help and get better. I'll be praying he finds his way. *hugs*
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
My sponser said some people are there for a reminder. there but for the grace of God go I.
My heart goes out to you. I can only offer you my prayers like all the other good people on here that are hating to see you in the pain you're going thru.
You never said if, you have kids at home. I'd leave him let him find his bottom. If, he wants to make you the one to blame for him using.
You can't help him if, he's not willing to help himself.
My heart goes out to you. I can only offer you my prayers like all the other good people on here that are hating to see you in the pain you're going thru.
You never said if, you have kids at home. I'd leave him let him find his bottom. If, he wants to make you the one to blame for him using.
You can't help him if, he's not willing to help himself.
Believe in Miracles
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 26
Thank you everyone. It is so difficult. I did have him leave again this week and he keeps coming back. I found him outside in the driveway sleeping in his car. I left him there and then he knocked on the door for a glass of milk. How pitiful. Now he is in one of the upstairs bedrooms because he asked if he could just come in and sleep ( I feel sorry for him). He says he is ashamed and he needs to be alone to figure things out. I let him in and went on with my life when I really wanted to yell and scream at him. Today I went to my grandsons third birthday and had a great day!
My son and his girlfriend are recovering addicts they are quick to point out my enabling and I am happy for that.
None of my children live at home with me. They have all turned away from him. My youngest daugter says when she gets married she will not have him walk her down the isle she will have her brothers. I don't blame her. How sad is that and he does know this too it.... only makes him more angry.
Somewhere inside of this man is a wonderful human being. He looks so awful and is always sick.
Sorry I feel like I am rambling....but thanks for listening!
My son and his girlfriend are recovering addicts they are quick to point out my enabling and I am happy for that.
None of my children live at home with me. They have all turned away from him. My youngest daugter says when she gets married she will not have him walk her down the isle she will have her brothers. I don't blame her. How sad is that and he does know this too it.... only makes him more angry.
Somewhere inside of this man is a wonderful human being. He looks so awful and is always sick.
Sorry I feel like I am rambling....but thanks for listening!
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