What do you do when...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: England UK
Posts: 11
What do you do when...
Hi again,
From reading lots of the posts on here i think that alot of peoples ahs etc are either in some kind of programme and conselling service etc or have admitted to themselves they are addicited. I was wondering what you do when your ah wont admitt a problem and may as well live on the moon cause he aint ever gonna admitt it. Ive checked out the al-anon and their isnt any meetings round where i live. Although he dosnt always get falling down drunk cause he needs so much of it to do that now, hes been drinking steadily all day now for example and as its the weekend i assume he will tomorrow. I work all day on a Sunday and i have got to the point when i worry about leaving him with the kids they are 2 and 8. I know he wouldnt ever intentionaly hurt them etc but things like falling down stairs/ toddler escaping out back gate and running off, what hes feeding them (has been know to just give them crisps). Hard trying to figure out the best way to be around him! still havent a clue what i should be doing? Feel like i should be making positive steps for him and me or something but resent doing everything while he sits in front of tv drinking, calling me a selfish *****!!! Getting fed up of dragging him around with me to be honest just for maybe a couple of hours of sober husband a week if im lucky! Still confused! will i ever figure it out?
From reading lots of the posts on here i think that alot of peoples ahs etc are either in some kind of programme and conselling service etc or have admitted to themselves they are addicited. I was wondering what you do when your ah wont admitt a problem and may as well live on the moon cause he aint ever gonna admitt it. Ive checked out the al-anon and their isnt any meetings round where i live. Although he dosnt always get falling down drunk cause he needs so much of it to do that now, hes been drinking steadily all day now for example and as its the weekend i assume he will tomorrow. I work all day on a Sunday and i have got to the point when i worry about leaving him with the kids they are 2 and 8. I know he wouldnt ever intentionaly hurt them etc but things like falling down stairs/ toddler escaping out back gate and running off, what hes feeding them (has been know to just give them crisps). Hard trying to figure out the best way to be around him! still havent a clue what i should be doing? Feel like i should be making positive steps for him and me or something but resent doing everything while he sits in front of tv drinking, calling me a selfish *****!!! Getting fed up of dragging him around with me to be honest just for maybe a couple of hours of sober husband a week if im lucky! Still confused! will i ever figure it out?
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
The way I see it, the ball's in your court. Do you want to live this way for the rest of your life?
You can't change him, but you can change YOU.
Have you got a copy of "Codependent no more" by Melodie Beattie. Believe me, you'll think she wrote it just for you.
Have you rung the al-anon number in the UK? 020 7403 0888. If so, and there are no meetings near you, perhaps you can order some literature from them. "How al-anon works" is really good.
If you want, PM me and I can give you my phone mumber and we can talk.
Take care
Love
Minnie
xxx
You can't change him, but you can change YOU.
Have you got a copy of "Codependent no more" by Melodie Beattie. Believe me, you'll think she wrote it just for you.
Have you rung the al-anon number in the UK? 020 7403 0888. If so, and there are no meetings near you, perhaps you can order some literature from them. "How al-anon works" is really good.
If you want, PM me and I can give you my phone mumber and we can talk.
Take care
Love
Minnie
xxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: England UK
Posts: 11
Hi girls,
Thanks for the replies, i know after coming on this board for a little while that whatever i do wont change him its just how to deal with it on a day to day basis. I asked him to please not drink untill i got home from work today and he said he wouldnt as far as i know he hasnt so thats good im pleased.
Minnie thankyou soo much for the offer i think i will pm you if you are sure, although im sure the last thing you need is some nutter phoning you and wimpering about there lives lol, im not a nutter i promise! Just need to stop feeling so crappy about the relationship etc and move forward myself but havent a clue how to go about it. Im pretty sure if it wasnt for the kids and mortgage/finances etc i wouldnt stay and let him deal with it. In fact i think i would be off like a shot but im of the opinion that i made babies with this man and any relationship needs work and espeically in these circumstances.
Thanks again
xx
Thanks for the replies, i know after coming on this board for a little while that whatever i do wont change him its just how to deal with it on a day to day basis. I asked him to please not drink untill i got home from work today and he said he wouldnt as far as i know he hasnt so thats good im pleased.
Minnie thankyou soo much for the offer i think i will pm you if you are sure, although im sure the last thing you need is some nutter phoning you and wimpering about there lives lol, im not a nutter i promise! Just need to stop feeling so crappy about the relationship etc and move forward myself but havent a clue how to go about it. Im pretty sure if it wasnt for the kids and mortgage/finances etc i wouldnt stay and let him deal with it. In fact i think i would be off like a shot but im of the opinion that i made babies with this man and any relationship needs work and espeically in these circumstances.
Thanks again
xx
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Yes, having children can make it for a more difficult situation, because you want your children to have a father in their lives. But you're raising what will someday be Adult Children of an Alcoholic. The damage can be pretty bad on them, even though you don't realize it now. My cousin grew up in a home with an alcoholic mother and he still has to work on issues that happened to him almost 50 years ago. He's doing well, but some of the hurt crops up now and then.
The financial dependence is something you may be able to work out in time if you ever decide leaving outweighs staying. I don't know how the law works in the U.K., but here there's always child support, and something called "rehabilitative alimony," which allows the wife financial help for a specified period of time in order to get a training for a better-paying job, catch up on the bills, whatever.
As far as what you can do to assure that you feel better in this situation, read Al-Anon literature, post here, and whatever you believe "it" may be, give your problems and burdens over to your Higher Power. Prayer can help ground you and put your mind in a serene place even though your circumstances may be chaotic.
The financial dependence is something you may be able to work out in time if you ever decide leaving outweighs staying. I don't know how the law works in the U.K., but here there's always child support, and something called "rehabilitative alimony," which allows the wife financial help for a specified period of time in order to get a training for a better-paying job, catch up on the bills, whatever.
As far as what you can do to assure that you feel better in this situation, read Al-Anon literature, post here, and whatever you believe "it" may be, give your problems and burdens over to your Higher Power. Prayer can help ground you and put your mind in a serene place even though your circumstances may be chaotic.
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