StandingStrong

This post is concerning the two things I mentioned in my subject line so hopefully I make sense as I try to post my thoughts.

I've never been one to compare people. I believe that people are too individual to actually compare to one another. However, during the time that AH and I have been apart (and he was supposed to be proving to me that he'd changed) there have been times I've caught myself comparing people and situations with my AH.
Such as...
The tires on my car were so bad that you could see the chords! My AH knew this and did nothing. Not saying I wanted him to replace them for me, but he made no mention of them. Since I do drive our children, I believe it should have mattered. One day a friend of mine borrowed my car while I was at work. When I got off work, I went out to discover that the tires had been replaced and the car was swept out and all cleaned up! I felt loved!
Winter was approaching and I needed a winter vehicle. My car is NOT a winter vehicle and will not come out of the driveway! I had everyone searching for a car for me that I could afford. Time was running out and I mentioned this to my AH and asked him if he'd help me (meaning helpiing me find something as he's in a position that he could have easily done so) and his reply was "Why should I?" My answer was that the kids are with me and he should care about thier safety. A friend of mine had found a vehicle they were considering buying. They, in turn, took me to see it and encouraged me to get it myself because I needed it more than they did! So I found a car. I felt, again, loved. My friend cared about me and my children.
The bank, in turn, would not give me the loan because I've co-signed on AH's vehicle, we owe on our mortgage together, and AH had ruined our credit. My father got the vehicle for me - and I pay him back instead of a bank. Again, proof that someone cares about me and that I"m loved.
When money was tight (as it usually is here), I was having a hard time making ends meet and we (the kids and I) were eating very cheaply and doing the best just to get by. AH knew this and did nothing to help us though he still ate out every day, still rented movies on the weekends, etc. Another friend stepped into my life and came over one day bringing me a bag of cleaning supplies. She told me she didn't have a lot to offer as far as food or anything, but she wanted to help. I was so grateful! And her kindness made me feel loved.
When our dogs got fleas - the worse case I'd ever seen!!!! The fleas took over the house and then were transported into my car, etc. These dogs were dogs that AH had brought home years ago - I had never wanted dogs though I did end up caring for them. He gives me no dog food money for them, no money for medical stuff, nothing!! So, as we are getting ate by fleas (and yes, he knew of this), he went to the Nascar race out of state and had money to spend. Another dear friend of mine sent me some flea drops for my dogs as well as some ideas to try to get rid of the fleas in the house without having to buy the expensive stuff at the vet. Again, another friend had stepped up to show me that they cared about the children and myself enough to do something for us. Again, I felt cared about.
Now, mind you, these are just a few of the examples of how others have shown me that they care about me and that I matter to them. Situations where I felt that AH did nothing and others showed me the very thing I'd asked him to prove to me. Is it comparing? It is. But at the same time, it's also Actions, not just mere words. Again, the thing I wanted from AH! No more empty promises.

Which then leads me to the topic of self respect. While AH is still wishing for that chance to move back in and prove himself to me, I on the other hand am wondering just how many chances he really deserves? It's not like we were married a short time and I didn't give him many chances. We'd been together 15 1/2 years before he moved out and we've been apart for a little over a year now. There have been a few times that AH has been there for me (Once I had the flu and he brought the kids and I dinner and other time I was out of heat when we lost power due to bad weather and he brought me kerosene for heat when I was iced in and he came to pick the kids up). Though I realize those are positive loving actions that he did...I see many opportunities that he missed but others didn't.
And I have to wonder if I gave him another chance - would I be giving up my self respect? Because I think I would be. I think I would be sacrificing a part of myself to give him something that I've given way too many times already. I wanted actions, not words. I got more of no actions than I have actions. I've gotten lame excuses and whatnot for his reasons for not having done things to prove himself to me and why he didn't do the things I needed him to do.
Did I ask too much? I asked that very question on this board months ago and someone replied that they thought I didnt. That I had simply asked of him the things I was willing to give myself. And the more I've thought of that reply, the more I have to agree.

While I don't believe that my AH is a bad person and I don't hate him. A part of me will always love him and always care about him. I've known him all my life and it's not easy to just let him go. However, I know now that I'm not a bad person and that I deserved better. I've finally gotten to a place where I can see that I am loved - even if it is by others and not him - and that I'm worth caring about. There was a time I didn't notice how much others cared about me (too much focus on AH) and I didn't see a lot of what I do have. A part of me knows that I need to just get the divorce over with and move on - as I feel that I"d never truly be happy with AH and that the damage has been done. And yet there is a part of me that just feels saddened at the idea of not having this man in my life anymore. Ironically also, I've been seeing someone else. This man is wonderful. He treats me with such respect and I know that he cares for me and my children. He shows me in actions as well as words. He gives me so very much. But mostly, I notice the feeling I have of peace now. Something I didn't have with AH. There is no drinking, there is no drama, there is no chaos. It's nice, it's peaceful, and I feel ever so content and happy.

Life with an Ah is never easy, no matter what the circumstances. But I wonder if I've found a problem in myself. A problem that my self respect has become so important to me (after having none for so long) that I'm truly not going to sacrifice it to make another person (my AH) happy? I've sacrificed so much already of myself and of my life.
So while I still believe comparing is wrong - it's shown me that he can't (or just wont) give me what I need and want. And that while self respect is good, it maybe can be a little egotisitical and get in the way of being giving.

Just some things I've been noticing as of late. Sorry so long, I guess I got carried away with my thoughts. LOL

wraybear

wow! needed to hear this story today. I am in the place you were probably 6-9 months ago. The beginning of the end maybe. I am glad to hear you seem to really be in touch with your feelings. I am still in mumble jumble state. You have expressed your needs and the love you feel so well. I know many of us can't do that because we are still in a phase of thinking we shouldn't or don't deserve to have any needs. THAT MEANS YOU ARE GETTING HEALTHY! HIP HIP HOORAY! YOU'RE STANDING STRONG TODAY!!

You said... "I think I would be sacrificing a part of myself to give him something that I've given way too many times already" WOW - I hope I get to this place soon!

So glad to hear you are in a peaceful state - you deserve it!

Thanks for this powerful post just right when I needed it. Because, you know, it is all about me and my needs! LOL

Gabe

I guess I'm kind of confused here.
AH doesn't do things for you that you think he should be doing.
Friends do those things instead of AH and that makes you feel loved, but feel bad that he doesn't do them.
I'm just wondering why these aren't things you do for yourself?

FaithChaser

StandingStrong,

You must be a wonderful friend to be surrounded by such caring people! I know with me, sometimes I just feel like if I could only get this one person's attention (ah) then that would mean that I'm okay. I know that's pathetic, and I also know that it's not gonna happen. But, I'm sick. It sounds to me like you are healing from the relationship, something I hope to do someday. I'm envious of where you are!!! You are looking at things rationally, and you know you are worthy of being treated better. And you are being treated better! I'm sure you want to give him another chance but is that for him or for you? It is okay to put ourselves first, this is such a hard lesson! I NEVER do it, but I know it and putting that into action is difficult for me.
I don't see any action on the part of my ah either. All talk, blah blah blah and BLAH. I try this that and the other and he does nothing. So, you realize now that other's care deeply for you, and know that you only realized this after not giving the ah 150% of your attention. Hmmmm, seems to me I need to learn this one too. Thank you for your post definately something I needed to hear today. Oh and honestly, I'm gonna be super bold here and say I think you have already made your decision, but wanna make sure it's okay. It is!!!! You said you think you would be giving up your self-respect. Why would you wanna go and do a thing like that?

Giant Hugs,
~FaithChaser

StandingStrong

I can see where you would be confused Gabe. I'll do my best to explain.

I was always the person that refused help. I didn't want anyone to know just how bad our homelife was so I hid it. (Major example of codependant).
It took a long time for me to realize that it wasn't weak of me to accept someone's help as well as just kindness.

Ah and I have always had a different sense and idea of what responsibility is. I believe that a parent that claims to love and be involved with their children should be responsible towards them and do for them in loving ways.
By not caring or helping when it came to bald tires, no winter vehicle, leaving me in huge debt, etc. - this is NOT in my book being a responsible caring parent.

Not having the resources to do for myself (such as things that cost money when I don't have the money), leaves me in a place where I can't do for myself. So if a friend does something caring and nice for me (replacing my tires, bringing me a bag of cleaning supplies, etc), there was a time I would have felt badly. I would have felt guilty that they did something for me, spent their money or time because of me, and I would have just beaten myself up worse for it for not having been able to do it myself.
What I asked of my AH was to prove to me that he cared about me and our children in ACTIONS, not words. So when someone does something for me, yes, it makes me feel loved. It makes me feel good to know that others do care about me. I suppose that's because for years, I felt that AH did not care about me, he did not love, he did not support me, etc. I got to the point where I felt unlovable, I felt that I didn't deserve better, I felt no self respect, I had no self esteem. I was nothing on the list of things that mattered.

There was a time where I had 3 friends and a family member all tell me within 2 weeks time how I made them feel shut out by not allowing them to do nice things for me. As my friends and as my family, they loved me and wanted to show me that. When I'd refuse their help, they felt I was rejecting them. So I began to really take a look at the people that were there for me. Not just in a monetary way, but those that loved me and supported me in my thoughts, my recovery, my life. And I swallowed my pride enough to allow them to love me.

Perhaps you were never like that? But I was so independant and so adept at hiding my homelife from others that I didn't let people in very far.

There are times where life catches me at moments where there are things that I can't do for myself. Whether it be lack of money, lack of time, bad weather, etc. there are times I find myself powerless over my circumstances. When someone knows that I need help and they do something kind for me simply because they want too, yes it makes me feel loved and cared about. I don't like to ASK people to do things for me so having asked AH to do things to prove himself and then have him not do them - and yet have others do things for me just because they want too....well, if Actions Speak Louder Than Words as the sayings go....my friends and family have shown me in actions that they love and care about me.

I am still very independant. My friends and family still to this day have to remind me to not shut them out in being so independant. However, I've come to realize that it's okay to accept help, it's okay to accept nice things that people want to do for me. It's okay to not always be able to do everything myself and yet allow someone else to do for me.

And a point I may not have mentioned, is that my friends and family members expect nothing in return. I remember a time when AH felt that if he did do something nice for me, it entitled him to go out on a binge. It was like I owed him something for doing whatever he had done. A bargaining chip, if you will.

Do I feel badly that AH doesn't do the things I wanted/needed him to do? It makes me feel disappointed that he isn't a more loving responsible person, father, husband. Does it anger me sometimes because I know that my children deserve better? Of course it does. Am I resentful that he did all the crap he did to me? Sometimes it does try to get the best of me.

But if I want actions and not words - then caring loving actions from others do make me feel loved and cared about. It helps to reinforce the things that I am believing now, that I am worth more than nothing, that I am worth caring about, that I am worth someone's time, that I am worth loving. I know this now, but when people show me and prove so, well, yes, I feel it.

Hopefullly that helps explain it.

Gabe

Oh hush Standing, perhaps I was never like that?
I'm still like that.
If I let people in, then I might get used to counting on them.
And then...*GASP*...they might not be there for me when I really need them.
So I'm still in that "take care of everything yourself or it won't get taken care of" mode.
Not a particularly great place to be.
I'm glad you have moved forward to a place where you can accept the loving help of others.
I'm very glad that you have loving others in your life that can help.
Getting back to your original question...I guess it's all about accepting the help you get with love and not wishing that it came from other places, yeah?
To quote Don Henley...
"To want what I have,
To take what I'm given with grace"

CodeMaster

jus make sure the new guys not an alcoholic, i mean, if he doesnt drink at all, make him take a drink or two and see if he can stop. you dont want him to try out drinking later to find out he's an alcoholic sigh...

StandingStrong

Codemaster: I almost laughed out loud when I read your post. While I unerstand your intention and meaning, I really don't think this man is or ever will be an alcoholic.
He knows that I have some issues concerning drinking. I've asked him why he doesn't drink. It's not that he ever has, he had his own phase of it in his late teens. Like me, he realized that it wasn't where he wanted his life to go, he's seen what it does to people, how it makes them act, etc. I believe that there is always a chance of a person becoming an alcoholic, it's not that I'm naive to believe that he could never be. I just don't believe that he's one to be prone to alcoholism.
One thing I found disturbing in your post though is that it's almost like you're suggesting that I test him by having him drink a few. As we all know, alcoholism is a progressive disease; therefore even if he had a few and all was fine, it doesn't mean that it would continue to be that way if I kept testing him or encouraging him to drink. Another thing that I found discouraging, is that I don't drink myself. If someone was encouraging me to drink, knowing that I don't, I would really be put off of the person for that.
So while I understand where you were going with your post and your thoughts, I just wanted you to know that I found it rather disheartening in a way. But I do thank you for your concern as I understand your main intention.

And Gabe, I loved the way you said this: and I'd add that it's also about accepting the love of other people in the form that it's offered. While not everyone can love us as we wish (like my AH), love given in a way that meets our needs and touches our hearts is the love that makes us happy. (if that makes any sense)

CodeMaster

I know, I was half joking around :P

I know you dont just say to people, here, drink tihs... and stare at them to see if they explode or not.

You knew what I meant, I didnt mean it literally, and if a person doesnt drink at all and gives a lot of love, that sounds really awesome to me!!!!