Did I do the right thing?

Old 04-22-2005, 05:01 PM
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Unhappy Did I do the right thing?

Hi, this is my first time posting. My boyfriend of over 4 years is an alcoholic. I love him more than words can say. He just fell off the wagon after 6 months. The last 3 days he has been gone all day and never even came home 2 nights. This, by the way is extremely unlike him. I realized last night that the feeling of not knowing where he is, when he will come home, or will he come home feels much the same as not being with him[we broke up for a short time' He came home this morning as though nothing was wrong with passing out at someone's home...not once did he call me from 12:30 pm yesterday. All his friends tell me I am right, I am not just causing drama for nothing, as he feels i do. i have always fought with him when he drinks.and breaks promises, I'm wondering now if that is the right thing to do. I told him this morning that didn't think i could take another day like the past three. Asked him to quit today or he needed to leave...he did reluctantly..told me he loves me and wants to be with me [same feelings true for me'.but is not ready to quit again yet. I have spent my day crying like a baby cause I feel like I can't breathe without him. My question is...was this a stupid move [I want him back] should I continue to be ther for him even though it kills me to see him killing himself. His doc told him to quit drinking because his blood pressure s very high and he might have a stroke. He, by the way is only 22 . Please someone tell me. what do the experts recomend what I did or should I be there and remain silent?Sorry this is so long I have been dying to find out if i was right or wrong....I'm dying inside...
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Old 04-22-2005, 05:24 PM
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It does not matter what you say or how you say it....truth is, he's going to do what he wants to do.

You have to find happiness within yourself whether he is drinking or not. And you can do that.

All yelling is going to do is cause you grieve. He probably just thinks of it as another reason to drink....cause you made him mad (blame game).

BTW - A's are very good at manipulating, blaming, pouring the guilt, shaming....do I need to go on? Silly me...it took me 14 years to realize it.

Put yourself first!!!! You are soooo worth it!

And, (((((()))))) Welcome to SoberRecovery!
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Old 04-22-2005, 05:42 PM
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thank you for reaching out

You have no idea how happy i was to get such a quick responce. Your reply brought tears to my eyes, yes again. If I feel in my heart that I need to be with him, do you think I will only make matters worse by calling and telling him, I think I acted too quickly and that I need him in my life and want him to come home? Will that only make him think that he was right about my "drama" and then feel like he can keep drinking and that i don't mind? He says he will quit, just not today and i know he can do it. Is there danger in being {as I've been told} a dry drunk...meaning that he quits without any outside help. Question is..do I do what my heart tells me or my head? He is the greatest guy when he is sober. Should I suggest a compromise or just tell him i want him back and not even talk to him about his drinking. I'm sorry there is so many questions...this is my first liink to anyone who loves an alcoholic. thank you for responding.
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Old 04-22-2005, 07:04 PM
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((((())))

It doesn't hurt to tell your A how you feel. But how many times do you want to say it. To repeat the same thing over and over again without any change is insanity.

Without realizing it, I found that one of the best ways to get my point across to my AH was to keep quiet and let him do what he wanted. (It also really helped my sanity) It really got him thinking and I think that encouraged him get sober (after a year of BS and working on MY recovery). He's been sober for 7 weeks now and is, for the first time doing things to improve HIS situation ~ only time will tell what happens next. And like all things, he did get worse before he got better. NO, I don't thing I was able to change him, it was his choice. I just kept my foot down and stopped accepting the unacceptable.

One of the hardest things I've ever had to do was to do what my HEAD told me. I think you answered all of your questions.

Have you read the book, CoDependant No More, by Melody Beatie. It is wonderful!!

Take care of you first and the unanswered questions will come clear.
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Old 04-22-2005, 07:15 PM
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Just knowing that you can't change him is the most important thing. Consider the possiblity of living the last three days for the next 5 or 10 years. I am not saying leave and I am not saying stay...just know that it is a possibilty.

It doesn't sound like you are done yet so stick around, read and learn.

Hugs,
JT
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Old 04-22-2005, 07:41 PM
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Originally Posted by JT
Just knowing that you can't change him is the most important thing. Consider the possiblity of living the last three days for the next 5 or 10 years. I am not saying leave and I am not saying stay...just know that it is a possibilty.

It doesn't sound like you are done yet so stick around, read and learn.

Hugs,
JT
JT, you said that so well I just wanted LoveanA to see it agian.
Take care
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