equus

I started my counselling wanting to keep my emotional feet better than I do. It has helped but as always it isn't till my feet were on the path that I realised how far it stretched!!

I want to give myself a clear target, to know what I'm aiming for is do-able, so first things first. How responsible are we for our emotions?

If I lose someone I (truly) love - can I chose not to feel any grief?
If I'm in a burning building could I chose not to feel fear?
When I hear about child abuse, which in my job is frequent, can I chose not to feel angry?

I don't think I can chose entirely how I feel but I can be aware of where it's coming from and I can chose how to react to it. I can certainly effect my emotions with my attitude, but I'm not sure about control.

Any ideas where the line of responsibility for our own feelings lie?

cwohio

wow equus - i don't have any answers - too deep for my poor brain this morning!!!

equus

You're not the only one - if I had the answers I wouldn't have posted the question!

I'm just kind of aware that negative emotions aren't always constructive (I wouldn't say never). I'm not so bothered about the positive ones - I enjoy feeling them freely and feel they're nearly always valuable.

kcsunshine

Equus, I think you hit the nail on the head there--how we react is the key. For example, when I get really angry I want to hit/throw things. I know this reaction is not okay, though by any reasonable standard the anger may be justified.

For me at this moment I am working on putting a lag time between feeling and reaction--I just try and do a little reality check before freaking out about something.

cwohio

thanks for the insight kc - i believe you sorted it out for me! all our feelings/emotions should be recognized and are valid but it's what we do with them that is important!

equus

I get that with anger but find it harder with grief and fear - there isn't always an appropriate response and the feelings themself seem more capable of destruction than construction.

walkingtheline

I agree with the reaction part of this response, even with grief and fear.

There's an appropriate cycle to grief...to morn and then to heal. And fear is a powerful message...without it, we might be hurt in so many ways.

I am not so sure we can choose how we feel. But we can certainly choose how we react to our feelings and we can analyze them and test their validity.
But I think to experience them is part of being human.

queenofthehwy

My counselor told me that anger is not a true emotion, that it is a secondary emotion caused most of the time by grief or fear.
What do you guys think?

minnie

Queen - I think I agree with your counsellor. I am very angry at the moment, but when I think about it, I am angry because I am grieving what might have been, and I am angry because I am having to re-assess how I earn my living. Fear - you bet.

As for reactions to grief - I read in today's local paper that a guy went into town, got drunk, caused a lot of damage to property and beat up two people. Why? In court, he said that it was because he just found out that his grandmother had died and he was overcome with grief. Now, you can't tell me that he had no choice in those reactions.

nutz

Life is not without pain, but suffering is not a requirement
To deny my feelings is to deny again and stuff it again.

it's okay to be angery
it's okay to grieve
it 's okay to fear

The sooner I embrace my feelings, pain , anger or whatever it is
I'm feeling. The sooner I will heal.

Like a simple cut. I acknowlege it. I put medicine on it.
I keep it clean. I wrap it with a badage for a little while.
I remove the banage to let it dry out
I don't pick at it ..so it doen't spread or become chornic.

Sometime just like getting a splinter. I must pull out the splinter
so the sore dosen't close with the splinter inside the wound.
and sometimes trying to get a hold of that splinter is a pain.
The wound will heal or close with or without the splinter.
If the splinter is left inside, it can cause a major infection.