Abandoned

Wow, I just had a revelation. My AH initiated a conversation with me today about a reading in AA (he is going to AA) about faith. He told me that I have no faith in him. This was very upsetting! This was a perfect button for him to push for me to go off. As I yelled at him, I realized (and told him, of course, as I realized it) that all of us -- the alcoholic's families are about nothing but faith. That is why we stay. If we all thought that the AH, or the ABF or the AW were going to eventually drink every moment and essentially end up in the gutter with a paper bag, we would not stick around. Even the folks with the fairly far gone alchoholics harbor a secret hope that they will come to their senses. We are collectively the most faithful and hoping group that exists. This was not my revelation, by the way--I guess that was a minor revelation. He wanted to go to the store and since it has been only two days since his last binge, I yelled at him that he was going to buy booze if he went, no matter what he said to me. He then told me to go, which I then did after (this is totally wrong), I took his credit card, his car keys and I lugged all of the booze in the house out into my car and took it with me. I yelled at him that I was not supposed to be doing this from everything I have read, and I knew that if he wanted to drink, he would find a way even if it meant walking.
Well, he didn't drink, but my revelation is that the reason that you don't do the things I did--taking the booze and all those other controlling things, is that it gives them a free ride to go ahead and drink and if they don't, they still didn't drink because if was not their choice not to---but YOUR choice. And they look at it that way..and they make no progress in recovery because it has to be a choice that they make not to do it. I have to stop the controlling behaviors or the attempts to control or there is going to be no meaningful recovery on his part. And if he falls on his face or he doesn't, it has to be all about him and nothing to do with me. Wow, I finally figured that piece out! I am free! Well, this good feeling will probably last about one day, but I think I am on the right track. He went to bed all smug and this was all about me and unfortunately I didn't help him one bit.

BlueMoon

I was told many years ago - the ONLY thing I can do for an alcoholic is take care of myself.
*I* don't have to suffer just cuz *he* chooses to.


Blue

Magichappens

I don't really think he got the reading. AA doesn't teach faith in people. It teaches that we each must find our faith in a Higher Power. The steps are designed to learn to rely on that higher power and find faith within ourself that we can live life as it unfolds, and not expect it to be the way we think it should be.

I have faith that today my life is good. I know that I, and he, are powerless over the disease of alcoholism. That is reality. I know that recovery can bring each of us peace if we seek it, but I have no power over whether he chooses to seek that recovery or not. Focussing on my own recovery is absolutely neccessary to be able to deal with WHATEVER the future holds. That is the faith the program teaches. Hugs, Magic

escape artist

i agree with Magic- it's not faith in him, that's what gets everybody all tangled up. it's faith in our Higher Power that we hang our lives on-everything else is vanity.

ashraf

ya it's faith in a higher power and knowing there is always someone there for you no matter what

maybe he means loyalty or respect, trust and confused the words in his own heart? hmmm

I have faith in people but mainly thats because I know a higher power is leading there life but also, "you'll know them by there fruit" trees bring fruit, trees don't talk... they show actions

Becca