Why am I so irresponsible???
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: a state of unrest
Posts: 383
Why am I so irresponsible???
I have a terrible problem with this. I put everything off until the last minute, I forget everything all the time, I can't remember to pay the bills on time, I put things off at work, I just ignore things. I am probably the most unorganized person ever.
I can't remember to have my 6 year old pratice his braille or his guitar, I don't remeber to help my kids with thier homework when they ask. I am always late everywhere I go and I am always yelling at my kids to hurry up. This is making me crazy, why are some people so good at these things? Sometimes I feel like I am just lucky to make it through the day let alone accomplish (sp?) anything important.
Do you ever feel like your not in the "right spot" like I don't know, your not the "responsible family mom" type, like you are suppose to be somewhere else doing something else? Sometimes I just want to go live in some big wild city and do crazy fun stuff.
I can't remember to have my 6 year old pratice his braille or his guitar, I don't remeber to help my kids with thier homework when they ask. I am always late everywhere I go and I am always yelling at my kids to hurry up. This is making me crazy, why are some people so good at these things? Sometimes I feel like I am just lucky to make it through the day let alone accomplish (sp?) anything important.
Do you ever feel like your not in the "right spot" like I don't know, your not the "responsible family mom" type, like you are suppose to be somewhere else doing something else? Sometimes I just want to go live in some big wild city and do crazy fun stuff.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 105
there are books that can help you get organized. and websites also, FLYLADY.COM is pretty neat. Just dont sign up for e-mail, you will get 10 a day and it is annoying.
would it be a problem to pay bills as soon as they come in. Better yet if you have on line banking you can put them in and have the bank pay them at a later date. That way they get paid on time.
Keep paper and pen, make lists.
And you think I am organized, fooled you. LOL
You gotta figure out what is most important and take it from there.
I used to have to tell my daughter to be somewhere 30 mins to an hour before she had to really be there just so she was not late. It worked, she would always get there in time. Never early.
would it be a problem to pay bills as soon as they come in. Better yet if you have on line banking you can put them in and have the bank pay them at a later date. That way they get paid on time.
Keep paper and pen, make lists.
And you think I am organized, fooled you. LOL
You gotta figure out what is most important and take it from there.
I used to have to tell my daughter to be somewhere 30 mins to an hour before she had to really be there just so she was not late. It worked, she would always get there in time. Never early.
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
Have you always been like this? I used to be the most organized, timely, efficient person in the world, and at some point during the past 10 years, I got to be the same way as you describe. Don't know if it is related to depression of some sort... I was suffering from depression, but have been better this past year. Maybe there is a reason for it, unless you have always been like this?!?!?!? I have to write everything down - I forgot to take my daughter to "build-a-bear" workshop with her brownie troop!!!! I forgot to go pick up girl scout cookies on the designated night. Then dealing with the guilt! My AH has been gone about 5 months, and I do feel like I am getting better at these things... don't know if it is related to that or what. Maybe becuase now I KNOW i am the only one to take care of things, I just do it. I don't know... interesting to know if other spouses have experienced this too.
once in a . . .
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
Do ya think maybe it just takes practise??? (PLEASE say "yes" cuz then I might have a chance too!)
I put things off and put them off and it's so DUMB sometimes cuz I don't put them off and forget about them - ooooooh nooooo!
I put off doing them and then stress myself sick about it.
I think I've decided that for me anyway, the "why" doesn't matter. Trying to figure out the "why" just stresses me even MORE.
So instead, I'm trying to do the "take baby steps" approach.
I have a teeeeeeny-tiny kitchen and it has been disgustingly trashed for WEEKS. It has been totally over-whelming me. I got the "brilliant" idea the other nite - 'What if I just went and washed the SILVERWARE + nothing else?'
wow - that went ok - wasn't scary - wasn't overwhelming -
so this morning, I washed JUST the plates + bowls -
tonite I washed the 10 zillion tupperware thingies -
I'm not done yet -(sigh) - but I think I found a way that might work for me.
Maybe with the being late and paying bills late (I do that!), maybe if I just pick ONE thing to be on time with?
Then, like my messy kitchen, it's no longer "EVERYTHING" cuz there's that one little thing that I did good/right/whatever.
(and for *me*, it's most definitely depression-related!)
Blue
I put things off and put them off and it's so DUMB sometimes cuz I don't put them off and forget about them - ooooooh nooooo!
I put off doing them and then stress myself sick about it.
I think I've decided that for me anyway, the "why" doesn't matter. Trying to figure out the "why" just stresses me even MORE.
So instead, I'm trying to do the "take baby steps" approach.
I have a teeeeeeny-tiny kitchen and it has been disgustingly trashed for WEEKS. It has been totally over-whelming me. I got the "brilliant" idea the other nite - 'What if I just went and washed the SILVERWARE + nothing else?'
wow - that went ok - wasn't scary - wasn't overwhelming -
so this morning, I washed JUST the plates + bowls -
tonite I washed the 10 zillion tupperware thingies -
I'm not done yet -(sigh) - but I think I found a way that might work for me.
Maybe with the being late and paying bills late (I do that!), maybe if I just pick ONE thing to be on time with?
Then, like my messy kitchen, it's no longer "EVERYTHING" cuz there's that one little thing that I did good/right/whatever.
(and for *me*, it's most definitely depression-related!)
Blue
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Queen -
I have a philosophy about the male and female brain. Male brains are like a house with many rooms. All of those rooms have doors. They put each problem or situation in its own room and when they want - they just close the door on it and don't deal with it until they are ready to open the door again. Female brains are like a wide open log cabin - all one big room. All the problems roll around each other and get all tangled up until it is impossible to try and figure everything out at once. You need to find the end of just one problem and untie it from the rest. That way you can work on that one thing until it has been dealt with. You need to grab the one that will be the easiest to resolve first. You get a sense of accomplishment quicker that way too.
I find that his helps with day to day stuff too. Take the smallest task, do it first, then start working your way through the rest.
Hugs, Jo
I have a philosophy about the male and female brain. Male brains are like a house with many rooms. All of those rooms have doors. They put each problem or situation in its own room and when they want - they just close the door on it and don't deal with it until they are ready to open the door again. Female brains are like a wide open log cabin - all one big room. All the problems roll around each other and get all tangled up until it is impossible to try and figure everything out at once. You need to find the end of just one problem and untie it from the rest. That way you can work on that one thing until it has been dealt with. You need to grab the one that will be the easiest to resolve first. You get a sense of accomplishment quicker that way too.
I find that his helps with day to day stuff too. Take the smallest task, do it first, then start working your way through the rest.
Hugs, Jo
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Anaheim,CA
Posts: 549
One of the things I've discovered is my life reflects my life! hahaha
When I'm happy, settled, peaceful...ect...things are good for me. I keep a great house. Things sparkle. I'm organized. Bills get paid on time, work goes smoothly. I use the calendar in Outlook to remind me of things. I have time to exercise. All is right with my world.
Bring drama in, allow the crap to creep in and suddenly things are not so neat. I let dishes wait. I decide to vacumn tomorrow. I 'forget' to do the laundry or a long standing appointment. I feel rushed and overwhelmed. I feel as if I have no time.
Sometimes I can look around and think, 'things are good' or 'okay, what's eating you?'
Maybe it's just me...but this is how it is in my life.
When I'm happy, settled, peaceful...ect...things are good for me. I keep a great house. Things sparkle. I'm organized. Bills get paid on time, work goes smoothly. I use the calendar in Outlook to remind me of things. I have time to exercise. All is right with my world.
Bring drama in, allow the crap to creep in and suddenly things are not so neat. I let dishes wait. I decide to vacumn tomorrow. I 'forget' to do the laundry or a long standing appointment. I feel rushed and overwhelmed. I feel as if I have no time.
Sometimes I can look around and think, 'things are good' or 'okay, what's eating you?'
Maybe it's just me...but this is how it is in my life.
once in a . . .
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
my home has always been a reflection of my emotions -
I wonder if you could make it work "in reverse" so to speak??
like if your brain is too cluttered with thoughts and worries, attack the *physical* clutter around you - (like dishes!)
if you need to "see things" more clearly, wash the windows and mirrors -
hmmmmmmmmmmmmm - maybe I'll experiment on myself - - - unless I forget by morning -
Blue
I wonder if you could make it work "in reverse" so to speak??
like if your brain is too cluttered with thoughts and worries, attack the *physical* clutter around you - (like dishes!)
if you need to "see things" more clearly, wash the windows and mirrors -
hmmmmmmmmmmmmm - maybe I'll experiment on myself - - - unless I forget by morning -
Blue
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 491
I dont know if our situation really relates, but I'll share that when I got down from all this rehab stuff, even while dating her still and supporting her from outside, I found myself becomming depressed. I was irresponsible for everything, definitly for taking care of myself.
After I realized how much I've neglected myself from help of AlAnon and this forum, I decided to make a very sharp change and got a hair cut, started to workout hard again, cleaned up, washed everything, organized papers, organize finances, everything... I thought no more abuse, its time to recover myself and make myself strong because I am relying on this person who is unreliable and will never give me the strength I am hoping to find by relying on someone else. I used to be strong, I'm going to be strong again, you guys were right, its important to focus on self, not for selfishness, but so you can even give more to someone deserving.
That, has changed me significantly today, I am sharp and back to being responsible. This change happened quite quickly, and the source of problem for me was depression and reliance on others for strength.
After I realized how much I've neglected myself from help of AlAnon and this forum, I decided to make a very sharp change and got a hair cut, started to workout hard again, cleaned up, washed everything, organized papers, organize finances, everything... I thought no more abuse, its time to recover myself and make myself strong because I am relying on this person who is unreliable and will never give me the strength I am hoping to find by relying on someone else. I used to be strong, I'm going to be strong again, you guys were right, its important to focus on self, not for selfishness, but so you can even give more to someone deserving.
That, has changed me significantly today, I am sharp and back to being responsible. This change happened quite quickly, and the source of problem for me was depression and reliance on others for strength.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
queen
oh, how i can relate! I am getting better now, but I seem to have spent most of my life in a "what's the point?" frame of mind. I know now that this is a sign of depression for me. There has been some great advice given here, especially by Blue Moon, about just concentrating on little things at first.
For me, it was certainly a reflection on my state of mind. Almost as if I was saying "if a major part of my life is out of control, then the whole lot might as well be". When I write that, it is such a flawed way of thinking.
Thanks for this thread - today I am going to sort out that pile of paperwork that I have been ignoring.
Love
Minnie
xxx
oh, how i can relate! I am getting better now, but I seem to have spent most of my life in a "what's the point?" frame of mind. I know now that this is a sign of depression for me. There has been some great advice given here, especially by Blue Moon, about just concentrating on little things at first.
For me, it was certainly a reflection on my state of mind. Almost as if I was saying "if a major part of my life is out of control, then the whole lot might as well be". When I write that, it is such a flawed way of thinking.
Thanks for this thread - today I am going to sort out that pile of paperwork that I have been ignoring.
Love
Minnie
xxx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
I think what you are going through/feeling is just another way that the alcoholic affects us. We are always too preoccupied with them, that our own stuff, be it bills/kids/ourselves get put on the back burner, way back most times.
When I was single and taking care of myself and not living with an alcoholic or being involved with one, I had an A1 credit rating, great job, very organized, upbeat most times.
Then I married an alcoholic and things were fine at the beginning, actually for many years, then the slow steady decline came.
My credit is all screwed up, bounced checks all over the place, totally unorganized, just going to work to accept my paycheck, yelling and screaming at my kids.
This is all part of the disease codependency I believe. It takes time and working on it everyday.
I set aside an hour everyday to make sure that my bills are paid and up to date, I talk to the places that I owe money too, I am kinder and gentler with my kids and I work on something everyday to organize myself.
My husband is working a program and he is making leaps and bounds in his recovery, now I need to continue my recovery to get back to where I want to be.
I truly believe that everything that is happening to you is part of the disease called Co-Dependency. Work on it everyday, do something that you will succeed at, that will give you the incentive to try again tomorrow. You can do it if I can.
When I was single and taking care of myself and not living with an alcoholic or being involved with one, I had an A1 credit rating, great job, very organized, upbeat most times.
Then I married an alcoholic and things were fine at the beginning, actually for many years, then the slow steady decline came.
My credit is all screwed up, bounced checks all over the place, totally unorganized, just going to work to accept my paycheck, yelling and screaming at my kids.
This is all part of the disease codependency I believe. It takes time and working on it everyday.
I set aside an hour everyday to make sure that my bills are paid and up to date, I talk to the places that I owe money too, I am kinder and gentler with my kids and I work on something everyday to organize myself.
My husband is working a program and he is making leaps and bounds in his recovery, now I need to continue my recovery to get back to where I want to be.
I truly believe that everything that is happening to you is part of the disease called Co-Dependency. Work on it everyday, do something that you will succeed at, that will give you the incentive to try again tomorrow. You can do it if I can.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
Queen,
That sounds like me too. I've been like it since childhood homework was always on the last minute!! I absolutely hate paperwork! Now I try and have everything done electronically and with standing orders, and it's sooooo much better.
I go in fits and starts with housework but I think I'll always be a bit chaotic!!
That sounds like me too. I've been like it since childhood homework was always on the last minute!! I absolutely hate paperwork! Now I try and have everything done electronically and with standing orders, and it's sooooo much better.
I go in fits and starts with housework but I think I'll always be a bit chaotic!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
Don't be so hard on yourself. I have to put reminders on my cell phone and my computer at work for EVERYTHING (doctors, counseling, shows I want to watch, appointmentsin general, son's field trip and to pack a lunch that day, etc.). I'm surprised I can remember to get gas in my car (which btw I always wait till the last minute). I now do online banking so at least I know my bills are getting paid on time. Before I was always late.
My desk at work looks like a christmas tree with all the colorful post-its I use as reminders. There is no possible way I can remember everything I have to do in a day's time....NO WAY!!
My desk at work looks like a christmas tree with all the colorful post-its I use as reminders. There is no possible way I can remember everything I have to do in a day's time....NO WAY!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
One of the things I've discovered is my life reflects my life! hahaha
When I'm happy, settled, peaceful...ect...things are good for me. I keep a great house. Things sparkle. I'm organized. Bills get paid on time, work goes smoothly. I use the calendar in Outlook to remind me of things. I have time to exercise. All is right with my world.
Bring drama in, allow the crap to creep in and suddenly things are not so neat. I let dishes wait. I decide to vacumn tomorrow. I 'forget' to do the laundry or a long standing appointment. I feel rushed and overwhelmed. I feel as if I have no time.
Sometimes I can look around and think, 'things are good' or 'okay, what's eating you?'
Maybe it's just me...but this is how it is in my life.
When I'm happy, settled, peaceful...ect...things are good for me. I keep a great house. Things sparkle. I'm organized. Bills get paid on time, work goes smoothly. I use the calendar in Outlook to remind me of things. I have time to exercise. All is right with my world.
Bring drama in, allow the crap to creep in and suddenly things are not so neat. I let dishes wait. I decide to vacumn tomorrow. I 'forget' to do the laundry or a long standing appointment. I feel rushed and overwhelmed. I feel as if I have no time.
Sometimes I can look around and think, 'things are good' or 'okay, what's eating you?'
Maybe it's just me...but this is how it is in my life.
now when it comes to housework, etc., well that's a completely different story. i definitely think bluemoon has a good idea - little tasks that aren't so overwhelming (but i would need to put blinders on to the rest of my house. lol)
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
I find that the condition of my house and car directly reflects my peace or the chaos I am creating. I get lazy too and don't want to do housework. I do have a housekeeper thank God and bless her too. She has been with me for a very long time and has helped me so much. When I am very busy with my work I need her. The kids love her too.Me too!!! I have found that with her doing the laundry,dusting,vacuming ect...it is much easier for me to do my paper work which I have to and, hate to do. I get depressed if my house is not clean and I can't afford not to have the help. When I get depressed I can't do anything. I pay her well and she is just the best!!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Wish I knew
Posts: 428
OK, I'm back.
I recognize myself in a lot of these posts- I am a horrible procrastinator and cause problems for myself.
I also get into a "Who cares" mode, and I don't like it. But I do it.
I am such a different person than I used to be, and it has been a gradual decline. I really need to work on it. Thanks to Queen for getting this started. At least I am not alone in this.
I recognize myself in a lot of these posts- I am a horrible procrastinator and cause problems for myself.
I also get into a "Who cares" mode, and I don't like it. But I do it.
I am such a different person than I used to be, and it has been a gradual decline. I really need to work on it. Thanks to Queen for getting this started. At least I am not alone in this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Chaos City
Posts: 605
This is something I get so overwhelmed with.
Two things I get so behind on sometime is laundry and floors. If I dont do laundry for 2 or 3 days, it looks like Kohl's exploded in my basement.
I am trying to keep it down to two loads, and that is just impossible sometimes, I have a sock box from hell, I dont take time to mate them, so everyone in my house is looking for mates in the a.m. The sock box ends up getting dumped on the pool table, so mates can be found easier. I always get my youngest daughters.
My H actually came home yesterday, with a bag of new socks and was proud to say .50 cents a foot. lol
What I do sometimes is get in my mood and start thinking about what everyone else isnt doing, and I am doing everything, and to me that just plain sucks, I start yelling at the kids, and asking my H when he thinks he is going to grace me with his presence and pitch in so we both get enjoy this day instead of just him, It is not fun when I get in this mood
What I am trying to do now, is not focus on what others arent doing, but focus on what I am doing and at the end of the day, know that I did the best that I could.
Baby steps, I live by that now.
Two things I get so behind on sometime is laundry and floors. If I dont do laundry for 2 or 3 days, it looks like Kohl's exploded in my basement.
I am trying to keep it down to two loads, and that is just impossible sometimes, I have a sock box from hell, I dont take time to mate them, so everyone in my house is looking for mates in the a.m. The sock box ends up getting dumped on the pool table, so mates can be found easier. I always get my youngest daughters.
My H actually came home yesterday, with a bag of new socks and was proud to say .50 cents a foot. lol
What I do sometimes is get in my mood and start thinking about what everyone else isnt doing, and I am doing everything, and to me that just plain sucks, I start yelling at the kids, and asking my H when he thinks he is going to grace me with his presence and pitch in so we both get enjoy this day instead of just him, It is not fun when I get in this mood
What I am trying to do now, is not focus on what others arent doing, but focus on what I am doing and at the end of the day, know that I did the best that I could.
Baby steps, I live by that now.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Chaos City
Posts: 605
I wanted to make a comment on the housekeeper, I am jealous too.
I do say to my H since I work 40 hours a week, the same as you, if you see something, instead of complaining about it, DO IT.
When he starts complaining, I do say to him, I will hire a housekeeper if you are not satisfied with how the house is kept. I am fine with it, so you need to make out a list of things that are really bothering you, that I dont have time to do and I will make them a priority on his list. (I would perfer a man) Yea BABY!
I have to many different roles, I am bound to suck at one of them, right???? lol
I do say to my H since I work 40 hours a week, the same as you, if you see something, instead of complaining about it, DO IT.
When he starts complaining, I do say to him, I will hire a housekeeper if you are not satisfied with how the house is kept. I am fine with it, so you need to make out a list of things that are really bothering you, that I dont have time to do and I will make them a priority on his list. (I would perfer a man) Yea BABY!
I have to many different roles, I am bound to suck at one of them, right???? lol
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