Savana 54

I have heard and read about this term being used, but I'm a little more curious about it. I realize it is about not reacting do the drinking and such. What else takes place during this process? Don't you become seperate as far as a couple? I realize during the detaching process that you focus on yourself more, but how does it relate to the A?

Thanks

JessicaNAJ

Detaching from the caretaking....from the blame....from the guilt.....from the anger.....the anxiety.....the habits that are unhealthy for you.....from thinking for them.....from picking up the A's broken pieces.

I think by detaching you are actually helping the A to hit their bottom which, hopefully, will help them figure out for themselves that they need to get better.

By detaching you are helping yourself to feel better about yourself, your choices, your opinions, your everyday living....

I used to think detaching meant I had to stop loving my AH. That's not at all how it works. It just meant that I love him enough to let him be his own person.

osier59

This might help:

Detachment. At first it may sound cold and rejecting, not loving at all. But I have come to believe that detachment is actually a wonderful gift: I am allowing my loved ones the privilege and opportunity of being themselves.

I do not wish to interfere with anyone’s opportunities to discover the joy and self-confidence that can accompany personal achievements. If I am constantly intervening to protect them from painful experiences, I also do them a great disservice. As Mark Twain said, “A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.”

I find it painful to watch another person suffer or head down a road I believe leads to pain. Many of my attempts to rescue others have been prompted by my desire to avoid this pain. Today I’m learning to experience my own fear, grief, and anguish. This helps me to be willing to trust the same growth in others, because I know first-hand about the gifts it can bring.

Today’s reminder:
Sometimes it is more loving to allow someone else to experience the natural consequences of their actions, even when it is painful for us both. In the long run, both of us will benefit. Today I will put love first in my life.
“All I have to do is keep my hands off and turn my heart on.”

…. In All Our Affairs

Detachment with love:

One of the great gifts of the recovery movement is the concept of detachment with love. Originally conceived as a way to relate to an alcoholic family member, detachment with love is actually a tool that we can apply with anyone.

Al-Anon, a mutual-help group for people with alcoholic friends or family members, pioneered the idea of detachment with love. A core principle of Al-Anon is that alcoholics cannot learn from their mistakes if they are overprotected.

That word "overprotected" has many meanings. For example, it means calling in sick for your husband if he is too drunk to show up for work.

Overprotecting also means telling children that mommy didn't show up for the school play because she had to work late, when the truth is that she was at a bar until midnight.

We used to call such actions "enabling," because they enabled alcoholics to continue drinking. Today we use the word "adapting," which is less blaming.

Originally, detachment with love was a call for family members to stop adapting. But as Al-Anon grew, people misunderstood detachment with love as a way to scare alcoholics into changing. Such as, "If you don't go to treatment, I'll leave you!" Such threats were a gamble that fear could force an alcoholic into seeking help.

For years the concept of detachment with love got stuck there. In fact, people still call Hazelden and ask, " If the person I love continues to drink or use other drugs, should I leave?"

My response is to ask family members to consider a deeper meaning of detachment with love. This meaning centers on new questions: What are your needs beyond the needs of the alcoholic or addict? How can you take care of yourself even if the person you love chooses not to get help?

Detachment with love means caring enough about others to allow them to learn from their mistakes. It also means being responsible for our own welfare and making decisions without ulterior motives-the desire to control others.

Ultimately we are powerless to control others anyway. Most family members of a chemically dependent person have been trying to change that person for a long time, and it hasn't worked. We are involved with other people but we don't control them. We simply can't stop people from doing things if they choose to continue.

Understood this way, detachment with love plants the seeds of recovery. When we refuse to take responsibility for other people's alcohol or drug use, we allow them to face the natural consequences of their behavior. If a child asks why mommy missed the school play, we do not have to lie. Instead, we can say, "I don't know why she wasn't here. You'll have to ask her."

Perhaps the essence of detachment with love is responding with choice rather than reacting with anxiety. When we threaten to leave someone, we're usually tuned in to someone else's feelings. We operate on raw emotion. We say things for shock value.
Our words arise from blind reaction, not thoughtful choice.

Detachment with love offers another option -- responding to others based on thought rather than anxiety. For instance, as parents we set limits for our children even when this angers them. We choose what we think is best over the long term, looking past the children's immediate emotional reaction.

In this sense, detachment with love can apply whenever we have an emotional attachment to someone-family or friend, addicted or sober. The key is to stop being responsible forothers and be responsible to them-and to ourselves.

--by Rosemary Hartman

Rosemary Hartman is the supervisor of the Family Program for Hazelden Foundation, a nonprofit organization based in Center City, Minn., that provides chemical dependency information and recovery services.

Gabe

My favorite sentence out of that whole quote.
It really is a choice how we respond to things.
Be particular y'all.

JT

Thanks Osier for posting that!

We have to detach to save ourselves. We have to allow our loved one, be it husband, SO, child, parent or friend to suffer the consequences of their own actions. And also be proud of their own accomplishments!

If we are always in there trying to change, fix and control is sucks us of energy and creates resentment that we don't need.

Detaching or letting go is the most loving thing that we can do.

Hugs,
JT

Magichappens

Taking the focus off the alcoholic and putting it on our own emotional well being. My detachment with love began when I started focussing on my own recovery from the effects of alcoholism. With the help of Al-Anon, I was able to learn how to detach. It takes time, support, and practice but it is an invaluable tool in recovery. Hugs, Magic