wraybear

Just spoke with my attorney. The judge re-instated the divorce papers from last year, so I don't have to file again, whatever that means.

Attorney knows the situation and she is saying my 401K is at stake, my salary can be garnished, etc, if my AH causes an accident. She thinks it is in my best interest and the interest of the kids to get divorced.

She can post the divorce in the newspaper for 3 weeks, if he doesn't inform me where he is, therefore he can't be served, and I could get divorced, if necessary without him even knowing.

I am still hoping to see him tomorrow night like he said, and will talk to him about this. Don't know where he is, so we shall see if he shows up or not.

I am still very anxious about a divorce. Just still have that last glimmer of hope I guess.

Beautiful

My friend recently got a divorce from his wife who is an A. He said to me that, had he taken the advice from her relation 7 years ago, he would've gotten a legal separation to protect himself from what ended up to be his financial destruction. He was a very wealthy man.

I told me this story when AH was just getting back into recovery.

I send you some good vibes as the anxiety must be tremendous. Just know that, if he ever gets it together, you can remarry.

lafever chris

Follow your heart, chances are the lawyer is just trying to make a buck, don`t risk a second chance or third knowing you love him and chances are the kids do too. In sickness and in health, and alcoholism is a sickness that can be treated. Don`t give up 5 minutes before the miracle, pray, theres alot of power in prayer, you`ll be in my prayers tonight.



chris


P.S. I`m glad someone gave me the chance and had the patience for me to be the great dad that i am today, god bless.

walkingtheline

Your AH has given you little other choice. You cannot risk assets needed by you and your children for what could be his irresponsible or reckless behavior.

Turn to your HP and ask for strength.

(((wraybear)))

gelfling

Hi Wray...read your post from last night. You sounded devastated that he was released early from jail. You were happy for the last 3 months and admitted to not being happy anymore.

The choice is up to you. Think long and hard. Pro and con it. In the event you make the decision to stay together, try and have everything changed into your name. Probably would be impossible, but my sil did that because she feared he'd kill someone and she'd lose everything. Your attorney is right. You can look at old posts and see where spouses are held financially responsible for lack of payment of home, vehicles, etc. The finance companies don't care if he's an AH and you're getting put out on the street.

Take your time making any kind of decision.

Blessings

CodeMaster

Decision is up to you, just keep in mind, you can love to the fullest with or without this letter called marriage. Just watch out for your finances during this recovery stage, it can get dangerous, post the recovery if things turn out better and you guys are meant to be, with or without that little piece of paper called marriage, you can love more then anyone with that paper and a ring on their finger can. It wont be that piece of paper that shows the love, itll simply be the heart and nothing more in this world.

JessicaNAJ

Wray - I just read your post from last night (I am so sorry I missed it). Sweetie, nothing you can do will keep him safe. But you can keep you safe and your kids safe and save your sanity. You have the power within yourself to do what you need to do.

He probably wanted to give you time to adjust so he could do what he wanted to do....ya know what I mean.

Listen to your mind.....what is it telling you?

You are so strong, I know you can get through this.

My heart is with you

((((()))))

FriendofBill

I know many people who have divorced and remarried (One woman, 3 times to same man). Just cus a legal document exists doesnt mean there is no hope for reconcilliation.

Deal with life as it is NOW,
keep your feet in today.

Do what you have to do to protect yourself, kids, assests and spirituality.

What ever is meant to be, will be.....marriage certificate or not!

Good luck!

FriendofBill

PS,,the woman I talked about remarrying 3 times is a long timer of 21 yr in AL Anon..her hubby just celebrated 21 years sober in AA and they are still together.
Love is THAT powerful!

drgnfly30

I too know someone who has married & divorced the same man twice... they have been dating each other again for a year now!!
I would assume that means the required separation 'clock' doesn't start over... meaning it would be finalized sooner than later... in my state you have to remain apart for 6 months before they'll grant the divorce.. in the next state over you have to wait 2 years...
Either way (((wray))) I wish you the best!

elizabeth1979

Think of it this way,
That piece of paper can equal virtually nothing if he is better in the future and you feel safe with his decision making skills
That piece of marry will save your a** if he does not and causes harm.

Hugs to you, I know this cant be easy

jojo

Wray -

You filed for a divorce a year ago. What is different that would make you want to change your mind? How much pain and destruction has he caused over the years? Has there been significant improvement? I think that this is a case where you have to make a decision with your brain and not your heart. If things change at a later date you can get back together but right now it might be a good idea to protect yourself and your kids financially. I know how hard this decision is for you and I'm so sorry. Do what is right for you and your kids.

Big hugs, Jo

lafever chris

Some are telling you about getting remarried later, let me speak from experience, i remarried my first wife, but the damage was already done, so we got a second divorce, let me tell you, it`ll never happen again. One of the biggest problems for me was living in a fantasy. It`s hard to base your decision on one instance that might work out maybe one in 20 million, and the truth is in the puddin, the relationship that did it 3 times, sounds like alot of painfull situations to me, not to exclude going through the courts 3 times. I dragged myself through it twice before i realized i had started a vicious cycle. So look at the satistics overall, the majority of relationships that don`t work out their differences and problems and bail on each other tend to repeat the process over and over, it`s not something i ever whant to go through again. So i guess what your really deciding is do you want to go through the cycle yourself, or just work it out through time, and then not have all the resentments in the future that keep festering up time and time again. What may seem financially sound now can cost much more in the long run, not only financially but emotionally, is that really what you want to put you and the kids through? But what do i know right! Then again if you know in your heart you really don`t love him anymore, and it`ll just not work, remember,he`ll still be around to see the kids, then theres the chance that old flame starts up again and your off to the races, just like i did, crazy isn`t it? It`s sad that so many people are willing to take the easy way out, the paradox to that is it`s an illusion, it only creates more pain. Well anyway, hope that gives you something to ponder on.



chris




P.S. god bless

Savana 54

I just wanted to give you (((hugs)))

Your doing the best that you can for you and your kids, I look up to you for being so strong!

wraybear

Chris, God bless you too!

I don't feel like I am taking the easy way out. I know you may not know the history here, but he has been drinking off and on for 17 years. He was in an almost tragic car accident WITH OUR CHILDREN 3 1/2 years ago... he was on a ventilator for 4 weeks, hospitalized for 2 1/2 months, one daughter had spinal fracture, liver laceration, damaged intestines... Then he became addicted to narcotics, then methadone. He has been to treatment about 5 times, and most recently spent 30 days in jail.

So, I can't and I won't go on living with an active addict. I keep thinking this is it... this accident will be his bottom, this rehab will be his bottom, jail will be his bottom.

This is a guy who KNOWS THE PROGRAM. He has been very involved in AA for 8 years, and on top of that joined an AV group 2 years ago and was teaching a class. So, he knows it, but apparently doesn't work it.

I will not live separately from him and stay married as some in my church have suggested. Not gonna do that one.

I can no longer be responsible for his actions. And, in a court of law, I will be if we are married. This is a guy who has been drinking probably a 1/2 gallon to a gallon of whiskey every 24 hours - is driving around the streets of this city in a car that has my name on it and of course our joint insurance.

At what point do I protect myself and my children. Or do I stay in denial and keep hoping and dreaming that THIS time will be it.

Emotionally, the kids are better off right now. I have two older daughters, 21 and 19 and they are doing great and their dad wasn't around, and he lived about 2 miles down the road the entire time. I won't say it was easy for them, especially the younger one. She thought dad didn't love her, and probably felt that way until she was 16. The older one knew he had a disease and it had nothing to do with her. Yes, can you believe I married two A's????? The oldest one married a boy she met a church camp when she was 12... he is in the air force and they are in England. The other is in college and wants to be a prosecuting attorney and put the bad guys away. They are healthy and happy young women.

Anyway, just trying to make sense of this. I DON"T want to get divorced. I know this is a good man deep deep deep down somewhere that man still exists. But, I can't wait any longer for that man to come back. He may never come back. Maybe his bottom is death.

Thanks for letting me rant here. I know many of you have heard all this before, but it is therapeutic to remind myself of these things, so I can make a decision and feel good that i am making the right decision for myself and my kiddos.

lafever chris

Thank you for giving me more insight to the situation, my heart goes out to you, my second wife died in a car accident from addiction, she was high, looking back i`m glad i didn`t leave her, because when it`s your time, with or without someone your going to go, and i`m glad i was there till the end, i don`t have the remorse from abandoning her, when so many did. It`s posted in the grief and loss under raining if your interested. Also a short history of what i went through is in the a.a. forum under confused, maybe that will give you an idea, though the stories might be different, of what he`s going through.



chris



P.S. god bless you

jojo

Wray -

You have done all that you could. You know your history and all that you have tried. You need to do what you need to do. None of us has walked in your shoes. All we can do is be there for you to support your decision. I pray that someday he will find his way but you know that you can't lead him down that path. You have your own path to walk now and I know that you can do it.

Jo

bluester

I agree with this.
In the end..it is your decision.
Think of the pros and cons.
If you stayed married...you are responible for.... a guy who has been drinking probably a 1/2 gallon to a gallon of whiskey every 24 hours - is driving around the streets of this city in a car that has my name on it and of course our joint insurance. He was in an almost tragic car accident WITH OUR CHILDREN 3 1/2 years ago... he was on a ventilator for 4 weeks, hospitalized for 2 1/2 months, one daughter had spinal fracture, liver laceration, damaged intestines... Then he became addicted to narcotics, then methadone. He has been to treatment about 5 times, and most recently spent 30 days in jail.
This man will be your financial destruction.
Know there has to be good points about this bloke. But the good points you love about this bloke are covered up by his addictions to alcohol and drugs. He has been in recovery...so he knows there is help out there. He will have to be the one to make up his mind to go back and stick with the programs. Get his life together. Maybe at that stage....he will be able to have a adult relationship. Until then why put your life on hold? Life is short enough.
This is alot like the relationship my sister was in for many years. Could be the same man. He has all the same addictions and life style as your husband. Only they had three small kids and my sister put up with this man for years. Until she had enough of his actions. They divorced and are now friends. In fact she says they get along better now then they did when they were married.
Whatever you decide...good luck and know you are alone.

minnie

(((wray)))

You can still love someone even if you aren't together. I still love my ex who I split up with 4 years ago (not the A who has managed to destroy any love between us, if that what it really was). The ex is now married and I get on very well with his wife. The love I have for him has changed into a broader kind of love that I have for any of my other close friends and to me it is richer because of it. I loved him enough to let him follow his own path, even knowing that it wasn't going to be with me. It is his birthday today, which is probably why I am mentioning him here.

Protect yourself and the kids, hon. He won't until he has plenty of recovery under his belt. Are you prepared to wait for the other shoe to drop for years to come?

Love

Minnie
xxx

cwohio

(((wray))) - just offering hugs and prayers that you will feel right with whatever decision you decide on!!!!

chris