Paci

The discussions here have been so comforting and helpful to me. This is my first time writing because I really need your help. My husband of 3 years is a substance abuser. He went through an inpatient detox program before we met and continued to go to AA meetings for another few months and then said they weren't for him. Everything was wonderful between us and he was everything I wanted so we married a year later. After a few months, I saw a pattern develop where he would drink or drug in excess and I mean anything he can get from alcohol, pot, prescription pain killers, sedatives, and sleeping pills, to OTC medicines, like allergy pills, and once, even the dog's medicine! I hung onto him because he was genuinely remorseful every time (except the last one) and promised things would change. And I love and care for him more than anything. When he's sober he is so sweet, caring, and giving and we get along like soul mates and are very happy together. But every few weeks or so there is a new "event". He has the potential to be dangerous-he once fired his gun in the house a couple times, putting holes through the walls and then destroying our cell phones and financial records in a mad rage following a sedative visit to the dentist, a prescription for pain, and a case of beer. Sometimes he gets angry and sometimes berates me. Even worse is when he OD's on pills and hallucinates, telling me someone is after him or seeing or hearing things that aren't there, and basically talking nonsense. He is totally insane and seeing him act and look like that is so disturbing to me. This happens out of the blue-he'll be fine one minute and without warning (I don't see him taking anything), he's out of his mind. He's going to counseling to help resolve some childhood or other issues but doesn't want to go to NA or AA. He's not sorry for the last episode. He was always so remorseful before but now says he is what he is and that he'll never change and that our marriage isn't so bad-at least he doesn't physically hurt me. I don't want to give up - I really want to be with him but don’t want to live in such turmoil like this anymore. He's been sober over the last few weeks (with 2 exceptions), as I wanted to establish a boundary that I thought would help in his excessive use of pills. But I see he will do it whether he is drinking or not. And for the first time, he's not sorry. He knows they terrify me but never remembers any of it. Initially I asked him to get help the next day but he didn't and we separated instead. I know he loves me but it sounds like he's taking a hard stand and doesn't really care what happens between us. He left it to me. I don't want to lose him. I'm open to anything you can offer.

walkingtheline

First of all, welcome. I'm glad you found your way here, it's been a godsend for me.

Second, I have to say, this sounds dangerous to me...I would worry about your safety.

If you've not found an alanon meeting yet I urge you to do so. Read the literature, learn all you can. If it were me I'd also seek out some advice from an expert, perhaps a local womans shelter. These rages sound terrifying. I urge you to find a safe haven until you sort out what you want.

Be safe and check this forum, am sure there are many more knowledgable than I who can offer other suggestions or tell you of their similar experiences and how they handled it.

Gabe

I'm sure you love him very much.
That being said, has it occurred to you that living with him is dangerous?
Someone who is firing a gun in a drunken/drugged rage is not safe to live with.
No mattter how much you love him.
If he's made it clear that he won't get help then nothing is going to change.
Please give some serious thought to your safety when making your decisions.
Stick around, you will find lots of encouragement and support here.

gelfling

Hi...welcome to SR...glad you decided to join our gang of awesome people.

Yikes!!!! What exactly is it you hope to accomplish? His recovery depends totally on him and no one else. He already knows that. And there's not enough love in a human being to make them want to stop using. And he's basically dumped it in your lap with the impression he really doesn't care.

Time for alanon, free literature they offer and find all the books you can get your little hands on to read. Read the AA big book too. You need to get to know the disease and what it's all about and what it can and will do to a person and that includes you.

Begin by taking care of yourself. Keep yourself safe too. Firing a gun in a house is a totally irrational move on his part. And some of the other stuff you're talking about. The mometary lapses back into sobriety doesn't make up for the offenses and pain they've caused. They're accountable for their actions. Drunk or sober.

Look at it this way...you're in Wal-Mart and some drug crazed maniac starts firing a gun all over the place. What are you going to do? Run like hell to save your life. He's no different from the nut in Wal-Mart.

Having been in recovery in the past, saying he is what he is just not true. He's been sober in the past. It's his disease and not yours. The 3c's. You didn't cause, you can't cure and you can't control it.

Please find help. Consider a women's shelter.

Ann

I'm sorry for your pain, truly, and hope you will keep yourself safe. Please tell me that you got rid of the gun, and if you haven't please do it right away.

If you stay, and find yourself in an emergency situation, call a woman's shelter. They will help you stay safe and get back on your feet again. At least have your emergency escape plan in place, even if you never need to use it. It may save your life.

Hugs
Ann

Magichappens

Hi Paci,
Welcome. I haven't found any magic answers to make someone straighten out. I have found that the love and support I have found in Al-Anon, along with a program of recovery for myself, have helped me to be better able to cope with whatever life brings. Learning to love and take care of ourself and make decisions based on the realities that face us is a slow process. Reaching out is the first step in that process. Please keep coming back, and if you are able, please try Al-Anon. Hugs, Magic

Paci

Thank you so much-I am listening. I wondered if I should have used the gun episode in an example because the focus is there. It happened only once in my 4 years knowing him. Although it was recent and may be his potential, I don't believe it will happen again. I have locked the guns away, my bags are packed, checked out the local shelters, have an escape plan, and consider the nor-anon meetings a godsend. Has anyone been around someone who takes large quantities of pills and hullinates like that? I don't see many details of other's experiences and have read a lot of postings but I'm sure he can't be the only one. If I were to go back to him, how exactly do I handle it? Is there help and hope for him if he is willing? And where is the best place for him-therapy, other? I wonder if I have some issues of my own for staying in such a situation but in spite of what he's put me through, we've been soalmates since we met and I'm so in love and feel for him, I don't know if I have the strength to be without him . . .I just want him back but I'm so afraid to go through it again.

Gabe

Paci, I've got to ask you this.
You say you don't have the strength to be without him.
What strength are you getting out of this relationship?
The way you describe it, it's a combat zone and a stress producer for you.
Again, I have no doubt that you love him.
But sometimes we find ourselves in love with toxic people who aren't contributing anything healthy to the relationship.
That's when it's time to do some soul searching and figure out if we are really where we need to be.

CarolD

Love Does Not Win Over Addiction

elizabeth1979

Welcome! I hope you are safe! Carol is right.
Gun issue aside....
Sounds like you do need a boundary...and I would maybe start with he is not allowed in the home after using...should be a little easier since you are separated. If he doesnt care, isnt sorry, and doesnt care what happens between you two...who are you going to work it out with? I really hope you can get some books and literature and please stick around here

Magichappens

Paci,
You can find strength and support to do what YOU need to do. Recovery isn't about whether we stay or leave. It's about learning to take care of ourself, heal, and become whole so we can make decisions that are right for us. The first thing is to make sure not to stay in a dangerous situation. Even people with spouses that get violent aren't always in danger. But if you recognize that it is moving that way, have a plan to get out for that time.

Getting support from people who understand, like an Al-Anon group, can help you to find a way to live saner and more serene. You don't have to go through this alone. I couldn't get better alone. I needed help and support. It took a long time for me to be able to love myself enough to take care of me. The people in Al-Anon loved me until I could love myself. I needed that. If you are lonely, frustrated and scared, it is definitely worth a try to help you find your way past that. Hugs, Magic

To find a meeting in your area: http://www.al-anon-alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

Paci

Your responses keep me strong-thank you for helping when I need it most. I have already set boundaries (my final one was no drinking/drugs, and if not, don't come home) but long story, I believe his family contributes to his lack-of-consequences thinking. And now maybe I have, too. Everyone here seems to be in agreement and when I read your words, I know your right. It's just so hard to shut him out of my life when I only want to be with him (sober). I know I need to make my own decisions and it is one of my strengths but I'm having a hard time doing anything right now and need your input-I don't know how to handle this. What do I do now--should I file for divorce or stay seperated? And how long seperated? We still have dept to resolve and it's going to take a lot of back and forth to actually have seperate lives. Does anyone remain "friends" after a divorce? I guess I'm still buying into the "forever" when we married but at almost 40 I'm still emotional and idealistic-at least in respect to love. Can I see him but not let him stay?

ashraf

have you asked him if you could join him in counseling and maybe open up other doors that maybe you don't even know exist? or maybe even call his counselor and let him/her know so maybe that person can try and focus on the NA/AA part with him.
you know love does conquer all and I give you credit for everything you've done so far but always watch out for yourself because he's watching out for himself, his needs and wants. Almost sounds like his boundaries are pretty laid out and yours are being pushed to the limit or maybe you need boundaries or need to be fronting, although sometimes that doesn't work either. Everyone finds it in there time it can't be forced or manipulated.
If I were you I'd be looking for someone he looks up to and have that person start to try and focus him that way it doesn't look like your trying to control him, because that's 1 thing i always watched for. Who's trying to control me, who's trying to manipulate me, always memememe and it wasn't that I hated anyone because most of them I loved and still love but had to watch out to make sure I had everything I felt I needed and or wanted.
it's a disease, doesn't make people unlovable or uncapable of loving. Your hearts in the best place, just look at him as if he had a life threatening disease and act on that. Most people would do just about anything but don't confront him that'll push him over.
I have that problem with my brother as much as I try to get him caught thinking ok maybe if he sits in jail he'll change, or maybe if he gets busted somewhere. His girlfriend is constantly having him hammered by someone, she watches him really close and if she thinks he's out with his drug buddies she calls the local task force and has the house raided. On a good note most people won't hang out with my brother anymore because they are afraid of what she might do to them. LOLOLOL
Good Luck there
Becca

walkingtheline

I suspect every woman on this board could say the same thing. It's that key word that brings about the difficulty as we have absolute no control over that.

I am reminded of so many old sayings...you know, if wishes were horses beggers would ride ect.

Reality and wishes often clash.

Paci

Although the support has been tremendous, I am losing my will in the 3rd night without my husband. I thought I did pretty well the 1st 2 but he was my best friend and I can't get over him and I'm going out of my mind. I wanted time to think things through and he's starting to look for an apartment now and I want him back. He's said he is sorry so many times that he can't anymore. I'm so repulsed and scared when he takes too many sleeping pills or whatever that puts him into a freaky, psychotic mind-set where he can't remember the next day. I stayed by him, trying new things, failing, and told him I wouldn't give up. But here I am alone after saying I just wanted peace in my life and time to think things through and I'm miserable because I love him and miss him so much. He won't get help. But I can't stand to break us apart. I've read other's stories about how in time some couples get back together again and it brings me hope and I begin to believe we will someday, too. But I'm going out of my mind and can't stand to be where I am. I feel like I should have stayed with him. How do I get over the pain? We've talked several times a day since we broke up but it isn't enough. . .I need to see him again but everything I've read says it doesn't work that way-he has to do something to come back or history will repeat itself. What if we continue seeing eachother?

myselfagain

when you decide to go back with him you will have lots of those horrible days and nights to look forward to. everything you hate about him will continue because he has told you that it will.and if you go back to him it will continue cause he has already warned you. my ex ah used to tell me "i am an A, get used to it" guess where we are 20 yrs later, divorced. the last 5 or so were the worst. be prepared to have what I call a non-particapating spouse on your hands for however long. non-particapating to the point that you will do everything around the house and on the outside of the house. you will be taking care of the kids (if there are any) all by yourself because he will be doing what he wants. WHY? because this is the life that you choose if you go back. when they say what yours has said then and only then are they telling you the truth.
sorry if this is harsh but the truth hurts sometimes. read what these other folks here are going thru. do you want that to be you 1 5 15 20 25 30 years down the down. is this really what YOU want.

Magichappens

Paci,
Whatever you decide to do, you can still find support and help. I stayed with my husband through some really tough times, but I needed to find support and some tools to deal with what was going on. I was very ill equipped to deal with alcoholism. You don't have to be miserable, no matter what situation you are in. I hope that you find it in yourself to get the help and support you need, whether it is in Al-Anon, counselling, or other form. Just remember that you are hurting, and there are solutions. Hugs, Magic