bahookie

Hi there

The past week has been surprisingly awful. I say awful because I didn't see it coming, everything was more than rosy.

The atmosphere changed overnight from loving and sweet to just awful. I couldn't do anything right from the way I look, look at her, speak, empty the bin, I was clingy(?), depressing, negative, lazy and oh god, you get the idea.

Nothing happened in between, just nothing.
(I know, I know, you can't squeeze logic out of a stone)

After 3 days I was doing ok, I had detached to the point that I would come in, give a scowling head a peck and say "I love you" then bugger off to do something fun with the kids. We had a good time and I was feeling good about myself.

Monday night I was appalling, I was crying, asking what was up, giving her all the power I'd been relishing so much the day before. I handed my self-respect to her on a plate and the nasty thing that lives in her head came out to eat it. Of course then I could sit and feel sorry for myself that I was such a patient martyr to put up with this.
Bull.
I just didn't do well enough and I expected something of an A that they are just not in a position to give.
I didn't keep hold of myself and allowed her to make me think my reality wasn't real.
She'd swear blind that either I've said something I haven't, or that stuff I know she's said never happened.

Anyway, since that I've detached to the point where I think I'm starting to detach from EVERTHING!

Adrift or punch-drunk - what on earth do I do now? don't know if I have the stamina for another week!

J
xxx

equus

I used to rent a room in my best mates house. At the time she was struggling with depression and a very different person through it than D. She's been my best friend since we were 11 - we still are closer than family to each other so there was lots invested in the friendship.

At the time it used to feel like I constantly had a new exam on a subject I got no information on - it felt as though all I did was fail, the things I did wrong seemed to be endless. Not asking how her day went was wrong, asking how her day went got a blunt repy that she didn't want to talk. You name it whatever I did was repainted as insensitive and selfish. IT WAS HELL!!

We're still best buddies - I don't think either of us have a clue how we got through but me moving out helped (not a suggestion - just what happened).

Now I look at it a little like you that I know I didn't enforce my own boundaries. At the time I was just so confused by it I didn't know left from right. I felt like I wanted a judge to sit in the room whenever we talked. It was such a nightmare!!

We did get through it as friends - I don't think there was any malice in it on either side, but in all truth I don't know how we got through.

What you wrote reminded me so much about what I felt then - just to let you know you're not the only one to feel like this.

bahookie

Hi there

Is that what it is? I'm not even sure I have boundaries to enforce in that situation.
I laughed though when you mentioned the judge. It would be so nice to have someone else there to see this. Until I have the unwaivering confidence I should have in my own sanity it seems like a brilliant idea!

Thank you I do feel like that now. You've no idea how much it means.
I've made a good friend from this site and even just talking on the phone last night about the tons (and tons! - from turning a dvd off even before the titles to obsessive .. everything) of similarities between our As made me feel less alone, stronger even.
It's good not to feel alone.
Thank you

Jane
xxx