wraybear

My AH was released from jail today. I thought he still had a few more days to go.

He called me at work, I asked him what his plans are, he told me he wanted to come home sometime, he told me his plans to go to meetings, etc. I didn't respond.

Eventually I told him I wanted the children to see him. He said he needed to get his hair cut, make sure the restraining order wasn't in effect any longer or else he would have to spend 1 year in jail and suggested he come by Friday, but that he would be in touch. "It will give you some time to adjust to me be out of jail"

This past month I have been happier than I have been in years. I guess because I felt he was "safe" and I could just rest better.

I had told friends/relatives/his PO officer that I hoped he would go to a half way house or something upon his release. Well, now I am upset that he didn't WANT to come over tonight. He has seen his kids hardly at all the past five months. So, now I am upset that he, in my mind, is being selfish again and only thinking of himself. It really bothers me that he doesn't want to see his kids. Why can't I stop this feeling? I wanted him to go to a half way house, now I am upset that he doesn't want to come home. I just feel like I have no control over my own thoughts or feelings. What DO I REALLY WANT? Will I ever know what I want?

So, where is he? blowing money on a hotel again I suppose. Drinking? Why was it more important for him to let me have a couple days to "adjust" than to see his kiddos.

And, he didn't even call tonight to talk to his kids.

Crazy. I am crazy. I am not happy anymore. I want to be happy again.

jojo

Wray -

While he was in jail you were happy and more relaxed because he was someone elses problem. Now he is out and you have to face your "situation" again. I felt like that when my ex was in inpatient treatment.

It is so hard to let go of the dream of what you want your life to be with him. He probably isn't going to ever fit into that particular dream again. From your other posts I have gotten the feeling that you want to live your life without him being a part of it except as the father of your kids. Did he tell you that he was going to a halfway house after he got out of jail? Try not to let yourself be disappointed by his decisions. Try to expect nothing of him. Try pretending that he is still in jail!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know how hard this is for you. Maybe it would be best for you to try to live your life just as you did when he was gone. Hard to do but maybe worth the effort. Sorry that I don't have any magic words for you.

Big hugs, Jo

wraybear

Jo, thanks, I needed to hear this. No, his letters were telling me he wanted to come home. I am the one who thought a half way house would be a good place for him... see, there I go trying to control again. I never wrote him or talked to him while he was in jail, so he didn't know my thoughts.

You are so right, he is never going to fit that dream that I have of the dad I want him to be. I guess I have given up on the husband part, but never thought he was the kind of guy to just kindof blow off his kids... in my eyes anyway!

Oh well. Too bad for him.

I will try really hard to live like I have been. Not worry about where he is, who he is with, how much money he is blowing, what he is doing. DANG...

queenofthehwy

((((Wray))))
So sorry!!! It is very hard to have an image of the kind of father you want for your kids and then know that's not the way it's going to be. I guess this is one of those things that we can't control and we just have to be the best parent WE can be.
MIndi

FormerDoormat

I disagree, JoJo. You DO have the magic words, and I couldn't have said it better.

Wray, you say that this past month you "have been happier than you've been in years." Do you want to give this up? You ask "will I ever know what I want." Of course you know what you want. You just keep getting confused because you start to consider what your alcoholic husband wants. It's not about him any longer, it's about you and what you want. Do you want to invite the insanity back into your home and throw your peace out the window? Or do you want to hold on to that happiness and peace and live life the way you choose?

The choice is yours.