cupowater

OK. I am having a thought here. If most Alcoholics are Codies (which is probably true) and most of their PARTNERS are Codies )Which is probably true also) then what chance is there REALLY to have a healthy relationship with each other? I mean, it is taking me a LONG time to learn why I am a codie, and to learn how to change my ways of thinking and to get healthy. What are the odds that BOTH partners can do that much work on themselves and THEN have to work on the relationship as well?? Thoughts?

splendra

(((cupowater))))

I am sure I do not know the odds but, they probably are very high....For me the higher the odds the more I will need rely on my HP to get me thru. Life has very few guarantees with our HPs we can do what we set out to do if we trust and not let a number hold us back.
I hope that it does not offend you that I reckomend relying on your HP to get you thru...

minnie

cup

For me, it would have been a long shot that my ex and I would get healthy at the same time and then even want to have a relationship with each other. The way I see it, if an A and a codie (or non-A) get together, it is unlikely to be for healthy reasons. If either or both get healthier, it would be totally random that we would then be attracted to each other. My life is too short to take that kind of gamble.

smoke gets in my eyes

oooooooh.... y'know what? You can find a neurosis in anybody. Everybody is a something. What hope is there for a codie with an ADD-ite? Or a hystrionic with a narcissist? Or a sociopath with a small-arms dealer? Oh, wait... I don't think that's actually a classified disorder, but shouldn't it be???? People are individuals. How successfull two imperfect (labelled) people are in a relationship is going to be a matter of how hard those people are going to work individually to put a lid on their weirdnesses and how long they'll endure a partner who may be going about lidless. I know two codies who got married. Substance abuse was not involved, they just couldn't stop doing things for each other and it irritated the snot out of both of them. It made them both suspicious and left them feeling purposeless. I had a talk with one of them. I told her that she could let her husband do things for her, and she could think of it as something she did for him. As long as she was doing him a favor letting him do her favors she was very happy. She let him in on the secret and they laughed and he tried it, too. 10 years, I think they have been married.

Sure. It's possible to be perfectly happy even if you're both hard-core codie. But... are YOU happy? That is the question that needs an answer. Not what is theoretically possible, but the reality you live in. How are your individual quirks meshing, or colliding? Everybody (anybody?) making an effort?

Here's my fear, cuppa. I wonder if you're trying to talk yourself into accepting a dreary relationship and existence by convincing yourself that happiness is just not possible for someone with your "condition". OR? - are you looking for permission to escape because it's not possible to be happy? You don't need to justify yourself. If you don't like where you are it's okay to move on, whether any other codie made it work or not. They are not you and they are not married to your husband... er... husband-like-creature.

HUGS!
Smoke

splendra

cupowater

There you have it from the great head hauncho of sorting codie language and behavior "Smoke gets in my eyes" herself....I am jealous and hope you feel privilaged to have recieved a reply from her....cause it appears that as ususal she hit the nail on the head....

teeenybubbles

LOL I'm sure small arms dealers have their own neuroses.

BlueMoon

I think when *both* people are *truly working their program*, the relationship part goes smoother as well. Part of the program is learning to be Open + Honest - - with yourself as well as others.
Working your program affects ALL aspects of your life.

in theory anyway - - -

Blue

Aquiana

Sorry cupowater, I don't know the answer to your question but wow what Smoke said really made sense!

loristreily

I think as long as you feel good about yourself and really work your program, it doesn't matter if the relation ship works as long as you are happy with yourself.

cupowater

Well, I wasn't trying to talk myself into anything. I have been reading "Codependent No More" and I am on the chapter about Letting the Victome go. It occurs to me that both my A and I are codies. I know how hard I have worked on myself, and I know he has a LONG way to go even if he DOES start. It just seems like it would be tough to get us BOTH on the same page! I think a lot of people go through their relationships playing their "roles" and not even knowing it! It just kinda makes ya think!

cupowater

Oh, and yes, Splendra, I DO feel privilaged to have inspired the "great" Smoke into a responce!!!

JennyK

I find myself in a MUCH healthier space when I give "what" my husband may be classified as any sort of thought.

I am who I am. He is who he is.

We have a life together. We are in the middle of a HUGE crisis. If we make it, then we will be stronger, regardless of what either of us are.

One of my children has a disability and I have bucked the "labeling" for YEARS. I refuse to be known as a CODIE first and I have never refered to my husband as an ALCOHOLIC first. He is first my family. As is my child, he is first my child, then he is labeled with his challenges.

As for behavior. My husband has very few Codie behaviors. He just deals with stress with beer. And it sucks for the rest of us.

Jenny...in a BAD mood tonight....sorry.