I am not good at NOT being co-dependent

Old 04-20-2005, 08:56 AM
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Hadlbran
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Unhappy I am not good at NOT being co-dependent

I posted yesterday I believe (maybe Monday?) that my best friend is the active A in my life. She recently got in a car accident and almost died due to her driving under the influence.

For a while now I have detached myself from that part of her life because it became too much for me to handle and too hard to see her doing that to herself. I went to Al-anon with a friend of mine and learned quite a bit. I never thought I woud be able to set boundaries but I finally did.

Well, while setting boundaries, her and I became less close. I didn't want to be a part of her drinking life because she could not just have one or two or three or four, she had to have so many to where she could not talk or walk. Every single night she'd be out with her "friends" (who are only her drinking friends and not true friends) and her and I started to drift apart mainly because I didn't want to know about that part of her life.

So now she gets in this horrific accident, almost dies, and she calls me - who is SUPPOSE to be her best friend - 3 days after it happened. I am a little hurt because everyone else found out first - all the people that okay her drinking - which is everyone in her life but me.

Yesterday I was suppose to help her brother take her home from the hospital and then she told him she didn't want me to help and to call his girlfriend who she can't stand. I was pretty hurt because although I don't condone her partying and especially never have condoned her drinking and driving, I have been the only one in her life to support her, lift her up when she was down, and just BE there for her - if it didin't involve her drinking.

Is this normal for an A to be angry at the co-dependent person that has learned to set boundaries? I am going through a mix of emotions right now wondering if I went about setting boundaries completely wrong and if I have just been a horrible friend because I haven't "been there" for her. I find it so hard to "be there" for someone that literally gets wasted every single day - goes out and parties every single night (and that is not an exaggeration - it LITERALLY was every single night) and misses work and doesn't pay bills because the alcohol became more important. I found it too hard on ME to watch her do this to her life so I chose not be there for THAT part of her life. But maybe by doing that I have messed up as a friend because that WAS her entire life.

I go from feeling so mad to so hurt to feeling VERY guilty to feeling horrible about myself - and then right back to mad, sad, etc...

She is my best friend and have I really let her down by setting these boundaries? Have I really screwed up as a friend - am I a horrible friend? Am I doing this 'trying not to be co-dependent' thing right and is it normal for the A to be mad in a time like this?

Could someone please give me some insight as I am hurting once again today.

THANKS!
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Old 04-20-2005, 09:06 AM
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had,

All this says more about her than it does you. I believe alcoholics are so guilt ridden that being around sober people makes their behavior stand out more.

Yes, when I set boundaries other people will probably be angery if their behavior has become unaccectable to me.
You must keep the focus on you not her. IF you are her best friend she will have to learn to accept you as you are not as she'd like you to be.

You can still love her and care about her but please don't give you reailty away.
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Old 04-20-2005, 09:09 AM
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Wow... Im so sorry to hear about your friend. I hope she is ok.

I dont have alot of insight but I can tell you what happened when I set boundries with my ex-ABF... He disapeared.

Honestly I think they know what they are doing is not right for them. Even though my ex does not drink (sober 6 months) he is now addicted to his recovery. I say that because he is not really changing his irresponsible behavior, he still is not paying his bills, taking care of the basics in his life nor is he getting counceling for the deep seeded issues. It is easier for him, (in the name of recovery) Not to be around me because when he is around me he feels guilt, or judged. As hard as I have tried, I cant sit back and say nothing... so I set boundries.... He does not talk to me anymore.

I do love this person, but I cant want more for him then he wants for himself. So if he calls I will try to be supportive, but I will not do anything to "fix" his issues. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is the only thing you can do.... Let Go. If they want help and are really looking they will come back to the people that loved them enough to be honest.
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Old 04-20-2005, 09:21 AM
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Hadlbran
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((((Cynay))))

Your post made me cry and I don't know why! I guess I am just filled with so much "did I do the right thing" right now that I am hurting. Her entire family are alcoholics so their responses to her are always "you gotta learn to drive better" (this is her SECOND accident - the first time was a fender bender that the people didn't turn her in).

I just have to learn to let go and let God but sometimes that is so hard! I keep saying to myself "you can't change her - she has to want it for herself" or "nothing you can say will "fix" this problem" so I just have to lean on that right now - but I can't help but cry. I can't seem to stop crying right now. Where do I get the strength?

And Daffodil - you are SO right in saying they are guilt ridden being around sober people. Her entire family and all her friends are alcoholics but me. When I went to visit her in the hospital - at one point while everyone was talking to each other - she looked at me like "I am such a disappointment to you" or like she KNEW she screwed up and was embarassed. I can't get that look out of my head.

I am just a mess of emotions today and I trying so hard to keep telling myself that I did what I had to - but sometimes that just feels horrible. I have always been co-dependent my entire life and learning not to be is so hard!
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Old 04-20-2005, 09:30 AM
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Had,
Keep your days as simple as possible. It's alright to cry when ever and where you need to. At the very least it will get rid of the inpurities in your eyes.
I bottled up all my emotions for so long that when I started cring I thought I'd never stop. But I did and you will too.

Pain is pain and it doesn't matter how, where, when I got/get it from I need to feel the pain and then walk though it. Yes, it hurts but when time has passed and I can look back on it I realize that one more time my H.P. has done for me what I couldn't do for myself.

Sounds like you could use a hug right now.
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Old 04-20-2005, 10:03 AM
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*HUG*

If you feel like crying..... then cry

You will have the strength... trust that, I personally believe that God gives it to me... I pray alot, I go to service, I talk with friends, and I post on boards and read other peoples stories.... That is how I have gotten through it. I have had years of counceling about being co-dependant and at this time I have issues with AA/Al-non... but that does not mean it would not hurt you to check that out as well.

I know that look in someones eyes.... GOD does that one hurt cuz they are right, they did mess up and they do not live up to our expectations of what we know they can be. My ex-ABF even told me ... I will never be the man you want/need. He is probably right because he does not want to grow up and take responsibility. I just have to accept that and focus on my life. If he ever needs me, I would be there for him in a heart beat but he has to want that and nothing I do/say will change him. He does not want to be around me cuz I make him feel like he is screwing up... Maybe Im the only one he knows that is honest with him. BUT, for me I cant lie and pretend that he is ok, or doing great... he is not and if he asks me I will not lie about it...

If she wants to see truths, she will come to you. BUT you cant force that and they have to want to change....

I will pry for you.... stay strong and keep your Boundries in place. Kinda like raising a child... teach by example, it hurts to see them cry and in pain.... but in the long run its for the very best for both of you.
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Old 04-20-2005, 11:09 AM
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You have been a loving caring friend,she does not have this ability. She cant even be a friend to herself now. Go to al-anon again. My family guilted me,when i sought recovery, I told them I love you,but i wont participate in the insanity. If you seek recovery diligently, maybe we can re-define our relationship. It is painful to let go of once was,but with every ending also comes a new beginning. I pray for all those who suffer as a result of the disease of addiction. Recovery is possible, with the love of a power greater then ourselves. I believe in the power of prayer! I believe with God, All things are possible...Blessings
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Old 04-20-2005, 06:06 PM
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It sounds like this "friendship" has been all about her. Just like an alcoholic marriage, there you are all worried about what she is thinking while she is doing whatever she wants and you are consumed with guilt.

My thought is that you were more than willing to set aside your boundaries and go to her in her time of need. That is a friend..a good one. She said, more or less, don't bother.

When we set boundaries we cannot allow ourselves to feel responsible for how they are recieved. That is just a fact of life. If we did we would be right back in a position of being manipulated.

If I were a betting person I would guess that she has more respect for you today than she did before you "detached". If not and she is just plain pissed, well, you are a better person for the effort you have put forth to understand this disease.

((Hugs))
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Old 04-24-2005, 08:57 AM
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Hadlbran
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((((HUGS))))

Thank you all for your help! I have been visiting my friend more lately and I can tell - or at least I think I can tell - she is almost embarassed about what happened - and has a hard time being around me.

Her family was just here helping her mend her wounds and changing her dressings and such. I had to go learn how to change her dressings - IT TAKES TWO HOURS!

Anyways - as her sister was getting ready to go back home (she lives out of State) and she said to my friend: "As soon as you are starting to feel better, I want you to come up so we can get [messed] up! You need a night of being really [messed] up!" I just sat there thinking "isn't that the reason she's in the predicament she is in now!' I bit my tongue and didn't say anything but I just couldn't believe it. My friend just chuckled. It was rather disturbing!

So, I guess I am just going to continue to come by every single day and change her dressings and help out as much as I can - but I honestly don't know how I'll handle it the day I walk in and she is having a drink - or the day she heals and heads out to party! I am really struggling with my emotions and how to actually handle the situation. I haven't had my talk with her yet that I want to - and I keep getting mixed reviews - some say have it now - some say wait until she's healed because the last thing she needs right now is a lecture. AND...I am struggling with if I should even say ANYTHING to her because I have said it all before...

UGH! A relationship with an alcoholic is not easy!

Thanks again for all your posts - they came at the most perfect time and REALLY helped me out!

(((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))
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Old 04-24-2005, 09:09 AM
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I have been through a similar situation with my friend. We have been friends since we were two years old (42 years!) and when she got a devorce, she started hanging at the local bar (same place AH goes!) and made all these "New friends". The "Bags" they called themselfs! It was very hurtful whenever I would go up there, and she would either ignor me or interrupt me if we were talking and one of them came in! I just quit contacting her. I would still see her every once in a while (if I went to the bar!) My thought is that I don't beg for friends. Also, when I went through MY devorce and had an afair and was really messing up MY life, she was very judgemental of me. So it really boggled my mind that she was doing the exact same thing! (except the afair part) I saw her a few days ago, and she seems to be setteling down. I'm not going to go running over though. I feel your pain. I hope it works out for you. My advice is to just not push it! Let her know you still care, but don't try and force the relationship!
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