Working on ones self
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Chaos City
Posts: 605
Working on ones self
I told my H lastnight that it really bothers me at times that he works with this girl that he had an affair with. As I posted yesterday it was a year. She took a leave of absence from her job, due to needing time to re-coup and try to save her marriage.
I was okay with my H there for the first three months, and during that time he said that she was not coming back, well she did come back. I had a hard time with that, I wanted my H to quit his job, but it was not practical since he does carry our health insurance for free for all five of us. When she went back to work I had a hard time at first, asking him questions almost daily, then it became weekly, then bi-weekly, it is now every month or even longer. I told him what my fear was, is that both of them were going to get comfortable with each other again, and be able to speak and say hello, and maybe even smile at each other and have little conversation, and I am not comfortable with that.
I really havent thought much about this the last couple of months, and yesterday was a year and I did bring it up. They are to the point where they do say hello to each other sometimes, they do smile at each other, she asks him to get her things.This isnt all the time, he says it is work related. I told him lastnight everytime he looked at her and she says something to him, picture me standing there getting my heart ripped out all over again, because just the thought of them getting comfortable with each other at all makes me sick and scares me.
He will never tell me the truth, I know this, there is nothing I can do about this situation, I have to deal with the feelings I have within myself, and that sucks, even if he try's to reassure me I dont feel assured.
There will always be other women, other women everywhere, the temptation is so high. So if not at this job, there will be another job. I dont want to spend my life, wondering and worrying about his next move. I have to let things alone, If it is going to happen there is nothing I can do about it.
I have to keep working on me and working on my recovery, and get as mentally healthy as I can.
I was okay with my H there for the first three months, and during that time he said that she was not coming back, well she did come back. I had a hard time with that, I wanted my H to quit his job, but it was not practical since he does carry our health insurance for free for all five of us. When she went back to work I had a hard time at first, asking him questions almost daily, then it became weekly, then bi-weekly, it is now every month or even longer. I told him what my fear was, is that both of them were going to get comfortable with each other again, and be able to speak and say hello, and maybe even smile at each other and have little conversation, and I am not comfortable with that.
I really havent thought much about this the last couple of months, and yesterday was a year and I did bring it up. They are to the point where they do say hello to each other sometimes, they do smile at each other, she asks him to get her things.This isnt all the time, he says it is work related. I told him lastnight everytime he looked at her and she says something to him, picture me standing there getting my heart ripped out all over again, because just the thought of them getting comfortable with each other at all makes me sick and scares me.
He will never tell me the truth, I know this, there is nothing I can do about this situation, I have to deal with the feelings I have within myself, and that sucks, even if he try's to reassure me I dont feel assured.
There will always be other women, other women everywhere, the temptation is so high. So if not at this job, there will be another job. I dont want to spend my life, wondering and worrying about his next move. I have to let things alone, If it is going to happen there is nothing I can do about it.
I have to keep working on me and working on my recovery, and get as mentally healthy as I can.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
emily - you have said it exactly right! i have not had something like that to deal with but i think a lot of us tend to obsess about things we cannot control until we recognize what we are doing and "let go" which it sounds like you've made great strides in that area. We consciously have to halt that "brain drain" - i know i still have a long way to go.
thanks for sharing!
thanks for sharing!
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Ireland
Posts: 79
Emily.....I am sure I would feel the same way as you in the same situation...but try to let it go. It is not doing you any good and as you said you cannot control it, dont even try....I know this is easier said than done
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: a state of unrest
Posts: 383
Emily,
You are doing great in realizing that there will always be "something" and knowing that you can't control it. In trying to control the situations, the people he speaks with, the places he goes, it will only backfire. I say this from experience, I had an affair. I know I felt too controlled ALWAYS. He has gotten better about it, but it is something he struggles with everyday, but I think he has finally started realized trying to control what I do is not going to help our relationship, and this is now 7 years later. Like I said before for you to be in this spot now 1 year later is great progress.
You are doing great in realizing that there will always be "something" and knowing that you can't control it. In trying to control the situations, the people he speaks with, the places he goes, it will only backfire. I say this from experience, I had an affair. I know I felt too controlled ALWAYS. He has gotten better about it, but it is something he struggles with everyday, but I think he has finally started realized trying to control what I do is not going to help our relationship, and this is now 7 years later. Like I said before for you to be in this spot now 1 year later is great progress.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Great Britain
Posts: 138
emily,not sure how I would react after a year on the anniversary of your H having a affair. I certainly would have remembered the date! About the gal still working at the same place he is. That would take some real guts to live with day in and day out. I think you have come along way in your recovery and I admire your strength.
You mentioned..."There will always be other women, other women everywhere, the temptation is so high. So if not at this job, there will be another job. I dont want to spend my life, wondering and worrying about his next move. I have to let things alone, If it is going to happen there is nothing I can do about it". This is so true.
Thanks for sharing your experience. It helps me with problems I have with my AH.
You have come a long way...girl!!
You mentioned..."There will always be other women, other women everywhere, the temptation is so high. So if not at this job, there will be another job. I dont want to spend my life, wondering and worrying about his next move. I have to let things alone, If it is going to happen there is nothing I can do about it". This is so true.
Thanks for sharing your experience. It helps me with problems I have with my AH.
You have come a long way...girl!!
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