How can I stop feeling guilty?
Caring for the 3 little bears
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
How can I stop feeling guilty?
AH has been in jail for about 3 weeks.
Had my phone number blocked so he can't call.
He has sent two very nice letters, and sent two very cute/nice letters to the kids. (yes, rcd 2nd letter today, telling me about his craving for methadone is GONE! His craving for alcohol has GONE! He knows his next stop is the graveyard if he ever picks up a bottle or drug again!) I want to sing Alleluia, but I can't. I want to say "praise the Lord", but I can't.
I haven't written him.
I haven't read the first letters he wrote to the kids. I did read today's letters to them because they were just sweet, simple "I miss you" "I Love you" letters he wrote to each of them, with a self-portrait.
In today's letter, he said he would like to come home. He is feeling so much better, narcotics are out of his system - first time in more than 3 years he hasn't been on narcotics!
I haven't visited him.
I haven't taken his kids to visit him.
Feeling guilty.
Feeling guilty for feeling guilty.
Had my phone number blocked so he can't call.
He has sent two very nice letters, and sent two very cute/nice letters to the kids. (yes, rcd 2nd letter today, telling me about his craving for methadone is GONE! His craving for alcohol has GONE! He knows his next stop is the graveyard if he ever picks up a bottle or drug again!) I want to sing Alleluia, but I can't. I want to say "praise the Lord", but I can't.
I haven't written him.
I haven't read the first letters he wrote to the kids. I did read today's letters to them because they were just sweet, simple "I miss you" "I Love you" letters he wrote to each of them, with a self-portrait.
In today's letter, he said he would like to come home. He is feeling so much better, narcotics are out of his system - first time in more than 3 years he hasn't been on narcotics!
I haven't visited him.
I haven't taken his kids to visit him.
Feeling guilty.
Feeling guilty for feeling guilty.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Feeling guilty for doing what you feel is right?
Weigh out the good and the bad of what your actions would do.
I am sure you will see the truth,
When word and actions become the same is when he is clean.
Tough love hurts but at the same time it is the best we can do in many situations.
You will know when the time is right to answer his calls or reply to his letters.
A answering with reservation does keep the communication line open but still holds our boundaries.
We can communicate and still hold boundaries as well as detach.
As long as you can hold your boundaries and remain detached, you will do ok.
Your heart will tell you when it is ok to allow the lines of communication to open again.
Don't be so hard on yourself. As a matter of fact... what have you done for you today? Be nice to yourself is a start to healthy growth.
Weigh out the good and the bad of what your actions would do.
I am sure you will see the truth,
When word and actions become the same is when he is clean.
Tough love hurts but at the same time it is the best we can do in many situations.
You will know when the time is right to answer his calls or reply to his letters.
A answering with reservation does keep the communication line open but still holds our boundaries.
We can communicate and still hold boundaries as well as detach.
As long as you can hold your boundaries and remain detached, you will do ok.
Your heart will tell you when it is ok to allow the lines of communication to open again.
Don't be so hard on yourself. As a matter of fact... what have you done for you today? Be nice to yourself is a start to healthy growth.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: WASHINGTON STATE
Posts: 3
Guilt Is A Tool
WRAYBEAR....though it is easy to guilt ourselves, the addicts in our lives have mastered the skill of guilting us. Even from jail he is making you feel bad for where he is, how alone he is, how separated he feels.... it takes a lot more than three weeks apart for that effect to ease. For some people fighting the guilt an addict trained them with takes a life time. You and your children deserve this time. And the truth of the matter is, when in jail, a person is forced not only to become sober or get clean, but they have to live with themselves, see themselves, and feel everything they haven't been feeling for years. This is a time of healing, please allow it for yourself and your kids. Breaking the communication and leaving him alone with himself is probably one of the best things you could do. My guess is that when he sees that nice little letters aren't working, he will change his modus operendi and use anger and manipulation to get you to respond. He really has to go through many emotions before his desire is more for healing than it is to just get out.
I am proud of you...you have incredible strength to draw the lines that you have and you have absolutely no reason to feel guilty for taking care your family, yourself. Leave him alone so he can FEEL every angle of what he has done and become.
I am proud of you...you have incredible strength to draw the lines that you have and you have absolutely no reason to feel guilty for taking care your family, yourself. Leave him alone so he can FEEL every angle of what he has done and become.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Don't quote me on this as I know it's different for everyone, but I've heard more than once that this is one of the phases an A goes through during their clean time. They feel guilty for what they've done, they may believe that they have lasted X amount of time without the drugs so they feel they can forever. They start to get a clear head which entails them to say and do the right things, etc.
However......
While jail time or treatment time isn't always easy by any means, I personally feel the true test comes when they get out and come back to the real world. Right now he probably doesn't have a choice, he simply cannot use. But when an A comes out, well, they aren't always prepared to live in the "real world".
Is he getting any kind of treatment while he's in jail? I hope that he does. He will need to have tools to learn to live sober, it's a whole new way of life. He will have to learn how to handle the urge to go see his old friends, the mind games that he may play with himself believing that he can control it once he's out stating "Well, I went X amount of time without it".
I honestly am not tring to depress you or bring you down. What my long-winded post is really about is the time it takes for a person to heal and the help and self awareness that comes with the progress to help ensure recovery. Too often times without looking to see why they used, they fall into the old patterns. Getting out of jail is going to be a whole new ball game as he has to learn to live a clean life, and after having used for so long, he's probably not really going to have a clue as to how to do that.
I hope that you and your children are using this time to heal. I hope that you are working your own recovery. And it's just my opinion, but regardless of how he feels right now - I'd tell him that the time to prove that is when he gets out. And live by the saying "Actions speak louder than words".
As for you feeling guilty, I think it's normal for you to feel this way. We are used to always worrrying about the A and trying to spare their feelings and make life better for them. We feel sorry for them beleiveing that we are their saving grace (so to speak) and that they need us and we can help them, etc.
But here's how I see it (blunt and to the point). He got himself in that jail. He is paying for his mistake as we'd expect anyone else to do. We do not have to feel for him or worry about hurting his feelings by not writing back. It is a choice. You do not feel like writing, that is perfectly fine.
You are on the even part of that rollercoaster ride right now. But soon you'll realize that as with all rollercoasters, the track is going to either go uphill, downhill, twist or turn, etc. So take the time to take care of YOU!!!!!!! He's fine right now. You know where he is, you know he's not using, etc. It's time you each decide on the journey you wish to take in this life and start acting accordingly. And while doing that, I'd recommend you seriously think about the subject of personal boundaries! A great tool for you and your recovery.
Sorry I got so longwinded. (It's late and I'm tired and I tend to be rambling. Hopefully this post made sense to you)
However......
While jail time or treatment time isn't always easy by any means, I personally feel the true test comes when they get out and come back to the real world. Right now he probably doesn't have a choice, he simply cannot use. But when an A comes out, well, they aren't always prepared to live in the "real world".
Is he getting any kind of treatment while he's in jail? I hope that he does. He will need to have tools to learn to live sober, it's a whole new way of life. He will have to learn how to handle the urge to go see his old friends, the mind games that he may play with himself believing that he can control it once he's out stating "Well, I went X amount of time without it".
I honestly am not tring to depress you or bring you down. What my long-winded post is really about is the time it takes for a person to heal and the help and self awareness that comes with the progress to help ensure recovery. Too often times without looking to see why they used, they fall into the old patterns. Getting out of jail is going to be a whole new ball game as he has to learn to live a clean life, and after having used for so long, he's probably not really going to have a clue as to how to do that.
I hope that you and your children are using this time to heal. I hope that you are working your own recovery. And it's just my opinion, but regardless of how he feels right now - I'd tell him that the time to prove that is when he gets out. And live by the saying "Actions speak louder than words".
As for you feeling guilty, I think it's normal for you to feel this way. We are used to always worrrying about the A and trying to spare their feelings and make life better for them. We feel sorry for them beleiveing that we are their saving grace (so to speak) and that they need us and we can help them, etc.
But here's how I see it (blunt and to the point). He got himself in that jail. He is paying for his mistake as we'd expect anyone else to do. We do not have to feel for him or worry about hurting his feelings by not writing back. It is a choice. You do not feel like writing, that is perfectly fine.
You are on the even part of that rollercoaster ride right now. But soon you'll realize that as with all rollercoasters, the track is going to either go uphill, downhill, twist or turn, etc. So take the time to take care of YOU!!!!!!! He's fine right now. You know where he is, you know he's not using, etc. It's time you each decide on the journey you wish to take in this life and start acting accordingly. And while doing that, I'd recommend you seriously think about the subject of personal boundaries! A great tool for you and your recovery.
Sorry I got so longwinded. (It's late and I'm tired and I tend to be rambling. Hopefully this post made sense to you)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
((wray)) i think that guilt is one of the biggest hurdles we have to overcome when dealing with our As. Keep up the good work like they said above - let more time pass before you make any conclusions! hugs and prayers to you and your children.
chris
chris
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 105
And you have WHAT to feel guilty about.........
Not a darn thing !
OK Guilt trip is over, go back to taking great care of you and the kids. (I knoe, easier said than done)
BTW, mine says he is not drinking. I get his bank statements in the mail. He is using his debit card at least 2 times a month at the liquor store. Oh wait maybe he is just buying uh uh uh ice for the cokes that he buys at the LIQUOR store. Sorry, but I don;t have a stupid sign.
Not a darn thing !
OK Guilt trip is over, go back to taking great care of you and the kids. (I knoe, easier said than done)
BTW, mine says he is not drinking. I get his bank statements in the mail. He is using his debit card at least 2 times a month at the liquor store. Oh wait maybe he is just buying uh uh uh ice for the cokes that he buys at the LIQUOR store. Sorry, but I don;t have a stupid sign.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
Wray....you have given him chance after chance after chance. Only to be hurt again, and again, and again. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You keep doing what you need to do.
Just keep telling yourself that he put himself in the hospital and you had the same hopes, that he would get better and that THIS TIME he was serious. I think SS is right, when he gets back in the real world you will know if he is over "addiction" or not.
((((((WRAYBEAR)))))))
You have no reason to feel guilt.
Just keep telling yourself that he put himself in the hospital and you had the same hopes, that he would get better and that THIS TIME he was serious. I think SS is right, when he gets back in the real world you will know if he is over "addiction" or not.
((((((WRAYBEAR)))))))
You have no reason to feel guilt.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Wray:
Don't believe what your AH claims for one minute! He has a plan when he's released from jail--to convince you to become his codie again. And that line about "all the narcotics are out of his system now," is a bunch of crap. Yesterday I spent several hours on a website dedicated to understanding addiction and it's affects on the human brain, and I learned that it takes 11 months of sobriety for an alcoholic's brain to be alcohol-free and it takes 18 months of sobriety for an addict's brain to be drug-free.
Seems to me that you have two choices:
Read his letters, allow yourself to be manipulated by him, get guilted into doing something you don't want to do, and be sucked back into the drama of living with an alcoholic
or
Don't open his letters, continue to detach yourself from his problems, let go of the guilt, allow yourself to live a life free from the effects of alcoholism, and be codependent no more.
The choice is yours.
Don't believe what your AH claims for one minute! He has a plan when he's released from jail--to convince you to become his codie again. And that line about "all the narcotics are out of his system now," is a bunch of crap. Yesterday I spent several hours on a website dedicated to understanding addiction and it's affects on the human brain, and I learned that it takes 11 months of sobriety for an alcoholic's brain to be alcohol-free and it takes 18 months of sobriety for an addict's brain to be drug-free.
Seems to me that you have two choices:
Read his letters, allow yourself to be manipulated by him, get guilted into doing something you don't want to do, and be sucked back into the drama of living with an alcoholic
or
Don't open his letters, continue to detach yourself from his problems, let go of the guilt, allow yourself to live a life free from the effects of alcoholism, and be codependent no more.
The choice is yours.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 491
I dont know what to say but I found everyones reasoning really meaningful, I just wish you happiness and I dont think you need to feel guilty at all. He has landed himself in jail for wrong doing and is putting the entire family in pain for it, though we are not perfect, he has a lot of waking up to do and jail may help. You focus on yourself and protet yourself in every fashion is all I can agree on with everyone elses statements.
I wish you the best always.
I wish you the best always.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Wraybear, my heart goes out to you. Although so saddening, maybe its what he needs to save his life and be a better husband, father , and see how staying sober will save his life?
Keep growing
Keep growing
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
No reason to feel guilty. He's doing what he needs to do to gain the benefits of sobriety. You need to do what helps you and the kids. For the meantime, focus on yourself. Find meetings and read the literature. Work on your recovery. Let him work on his. I'm really happy to hear he is upbeat and feeling good.
Blessings
Blessings
The Steps Work
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Hillsboro OR
Posts: 15
I admire the fact that you are asking for advice. I agree that we do tend to feel elated and overconfident when the fog begins to clear. There is no way any of us can tell what it will be like when he gets out. He has a great deal of work ahead of him if he wants to remain c&s. From my experience I would say to let him go to an oxford house or get a place of his own upon release. I write to two men in prison, one serving life, the other is older and may live out his life waiting for parole. They need support in a friendly, firm way. I can see at least two views on this dilemma. I would write to him and lay down the law about his post release living situation and if he wavered one millimeter he would be down the road. 
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: out of town
Posts: 85
Hi Wray
I haven't been on in awhile, just needed a break. I don't know if you remember me. My AH went to prison for a DUI with injuries. He was sentenced for 2 years. He has been gone for 3 months. I have written him a few times and have not gone to see him. My children are grown and he writes to them on his own. He writes me often MAJOR GUILT TRIP. He misses me, loves me blah blah blah. These 3 months have been the most peaceful in years. I cringe when a letter comes. It gets easier, it is my time and I'm sorry, but I have been in the prison of his hell for to long. I need to do what I need to do to take care of me. I can't pretend anymore, I can't fix this. My needs are coming first. It is very hard but I can't ingnore the peace in my head and heart. Good luck to you and take care of you cause no one else will.
I haven't been on in awhile, just needed a break. I don't know if you remember me. My AH went to prison for a DUI with injuries. He was sentenced for 2 years. He has been gone for 3 months. I have written him a few times and have not gone to see him. My children are grown and he writes to them on his own. He writes me often MAJOR GUILT TRIP. He misses me, loves me blah blah blah. These 3 months have been the most peaceful in years. I cringe when a letter comes. It gets easier, it is my time and I'm sorry, but I have been in the prison of his hell for to long. I need to do what I need to do to take care of me. I can't pretend anymore, I can't fix this. My needs are coming first. It is very hard but I can't ingnore the peace in my head and heart. Good luck to you and take care of you cause no one else will.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 346
Feeling guilty for protecting yourself?
No way.
You keep plugging away and remember that those babies of yours need a mom that will show them confidence and strength. Making their dad either be accountable or go away is the best gift of security you can give them.
Keep on rolling!
No way.
You keep plugging away and remember that those babies of yours need a mom that will show them confidence and strength. Making their dad either be accountable or go away is the best gift of security you can give them.
Keep on rolling!
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